The Not-So Brady Bunch

wordsmith2020March 16, 2013

My fiance and I recently sold my home and we moved into his. ÃÂ I have two children who spend the majority of time with us. ÃÂ My kids look up to my fiance and try hard to be nice to him. ÃÂ My fiance is in law enforcement, meaning long shifts and a horrible commute so when he is on a stretch he can get tired, understandable. ÃÂ My son looks up to him as he has always wanted to do what my fiance does when he grows up. ÃÂ My children are 6 and 8.He has one child, who he has very limited access to. ÃÂ We are in a brutal custody battle which adda stress. ÃÂ He misses his son. ÃÂ His ex continues to use his son as a pawn.My fiance had a large debt due to the marital breakdown and had to file a consumer proposal. ÃÂ He can no longer get credit and his cash flow is so tight that bills are in arrears and he cannot afford hos expenses with child support and spousal support. ÃÂ His ex is trying to get more money from him, despite making a sizeable income of her own. ÃÂ She isn't struggling with money.My fiance is under a huge amount of stress. ÃÂ He can be irritable and moody. ÃÂ I do my best to support him eomotionally and I pay for legal fees, car repairs and give him money whe ÃÂ he needs it.We had a big fight this week and he confessed that my kids frustrate him. ÃÂ They are well behaved and try hard to please him. ÃÂ Having them around reminds him that he can't have his son and makes him resentful.His mom doesn't accept me and caters to his ex out of fear she will deny her access to my fiances so ÃÂ too.He can't afford the house on his own and I have just uprooted my children into the new home.I love my fiance, despite his difficult situation. ÃÂ I want things to get better.ÃÂ I don't know if I am doing the right thing staying here. ÃÂ Kids are always first, but they love it here. ÃÂ I don't want them thinking my fiance doesn't like them. ÃÂ They are good kids and behave well.Advice?

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So you're paying for a lot of your fiance's expenses and _your_ children frustrate him? What a mess. Selling your house and moving in with him was a really poor move on your part IMO. What would have been a good move was to stay in your house and let him sort out his finances himself. So what if he couldn't afford the house on his own, millions of divorced people are in the same boat and they downsize into an apartment, or move into a shared house.
Living with a law enforcement officer (access to guns I presume?) who works shifts, gets tired and irritable and moody, is stressed out due to financial and relationship issues and resents your children, why would you feel nervous at all?

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 3:07AM
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what colleen says.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 12:05PM
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Hindsight is always 20/20. You are right, it was a horrible decision. He always appeared to like the kids and get along with them, it only started when we moved in. Thankfully he doesn't have a gun.

It helps to hear it as it is. I guess now I just have to focus on a plan to get out of this mess. Thanks for your honest feedback.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 2:52PM
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When you marry him, if you don't pay off his bills your credit will also go down the toilet with his. His problems will be magnified 10 times what they are now. I think you need to get out before you lose everything.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 8:38PM
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Ladies, as you all bash this guy's brains in....remind yourselves why he is in this predicament in the first place....his ex is using the biased family court system to give him limited access to his kid, while at the same time milking him dry financially so he can barely afford to live and is in debt, while she is probably doing just fine.

I'd be grumpy and irritable too if this was happening to me....

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 5:15PM
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Walking away is not the answer. Why is it so easy to stay in a relationship when it is all rainbows and lollipops, and when it gets rough and you find yourself in the trenches everyone bails?

Stress- It is true Officers and First Responders are under a lot of stress however, it is part of the job to be able to leave it when your shift is over. I am married to a LT Fire/Rescue.

His Mother- the only thing you need to be responsible for is caring and loving your Fiancee. Be respectful but do not be so hard on yourself for her lack of being involved in a nice way, you cant control ones way of being.

Children- You are correct children do come first. My advice is for him to call his EAP set up some " free" counseling for your family( sometimes 6 visits ) a good start..There you can talk freely about your children's feelings and his feeling's towards not having his around.

Acknowledge his frustration with the ex and lack of seeing his child, tell him this is a season in his life, he will get through it with you by his side. I know it is hard to so called " clean up someone else's mess" but faith matters.

I wish you luck

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 5:53PM
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Some things just aren't worth the risk.

A very high percentage of child abuse, especially abuse resulting in death, is at the hands of the mother's boyfriend or fiance.

I wish you & your little ones the very very best.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 6:16PM
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I'm not bashing the guy, he has every right to be grumpy and irritable about his situation, but he should not be in a relationship until he's got himself sorted IMO. Clearly his irritation is spilling over onto innocent children and he's not leaving the irritation at work as OP says he is irritable and moody.
I have been married to a policeman for 30 years and there have been times when it was no picnic as he spent his day dealing with jerks and came home with the "dealing with jerks" mood.
I'd suggest the OP and her fiance maintain separate homes and get personal (and for him, financial) counselling until the situation with the ex is resolved at least enough for everyone to relax. While living with the fiance may be assisting him financially, clearly it is not helping him emotionally and that's not fair on the children who are caught in the middle.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2013 at 1:24AM
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For one thing they are not married. If they do marry her credit will be ruined if he has outstanding bills and she doesn't pay them off. His ex is using the child as a pawn. All of this is a lot of stress for her own children and herself and not a good sign for the future happiness.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2013 at 12:32AM
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Thanks everyone...I appreciate all of the advice. Sometimes it is easier to confide in strangers who will say it like it is. I'm very torn, as I do love him and I know he has a good heart. I'm hating myself for getting myself into this situation, and I know that it was my choices that got me into this mess. I don't think a relationship is what he needs (or wants) right now. I wonder why he proposed and asked me to move in. I am naive, which doesn't seem to disppear despite being burned so many times! I hate that more than anything. Even if he loves me, it is likely in the best interests of his ex and his family that I just disappear. Her reign flows over his family and his son, and she knows that and uses it. Thank-you...for responding. It helped me a lot. For anyone reading this that is in my position, please learn from my mistakes. Kids first.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2013 at 12:44AM
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>>>I wonder why he proposed and asked me to move in. From your OP: "My fiance had a large debt due to the marital breakdown and had to file a consumer proposal. He can no longer get credit and his cash flow is so tight that bills are in arrears and he cannot afford his expenses with child support and spousal support."

Sounds like he was looking to you to help subsidize his income so he could pay CS and SS.

Maybe you are naive, but you can learn from your mistakes.

Best wishes to you.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2013 at 1:57PM
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