pseudo_momMarch 16, 2012

So how have your mornings been?? and afternoons ?? peaceful, relaxed, stress free, or are you still getting used to it? Empty nest sucks because you have no allies now thats how I felt when my son went to live with his dad last year (college closer to him).

.... it really is one of the best decisions I made for my own sanity was not to do anything "extra" for the kids it has saved me many hours of anxiety.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have to say that there is definitely less stress and more peace. My drive is actually enjoyable, I listen to the radio & don't worry about what SD is doing. When I get home, if she isn't in her room already... I think she hears me drive up & heads for her room. She stays there without coming out until DH gets home... but then he goes in her room to talk to her and she usually doesn't come out at all until dinner unless she wants to ask to call her mom. If DH goes into her room, she asks then so I really don't see her very much at all. After dinner, she takes her shower & goes back to her room until bedtime. I think I would go crazy if I spent that much time alone in my room. I still find it sad that she would rather be alone in her room than be in the same room as me... but if I go off to my room to watch TV or play on the computer, she might come out and sit with DH but if I walk to the kitchen, she runs back to her room. In the mornings, same thing. Sometimes she is at the table eating & if I walk into the kitchen, she acts all nervous or runs to her room if she's done eating. If I am not there, she will stay talking to DH because he unloads the dishwasher in the morning. I find myself going to my room more and more because it's pretty uncomfortable when she does that (running back to her room on sight of me). It makes me feel like she fears me or something when I haven't even said anything to her.. or look at her. In the mornings, I am ready to leave when I come out of my room but I have to walk through the kitchen to leave the house, so it's not like I am in there WITH her. I pass by & say good morning as I leave... if she isn't running to her room. DH has noticed it and asked her about it once, but she said she doesn't know why she runs to her room when she sees me. I told him that he can't do anything about it because he was going to keep having talks with her. It seems if he talks to her, she gets worse. Having DGS around does help because between work & taking care of him, I am pretty busy. I put him in taekwondo & soccer so we get home later, 3 evenings a week. I do miss having my kids around, but it is also a little less stress now that they are gone. When they were home, if something came up missing or a mess was made, my kids were blamed by SD. Now she has nobody to blame. Of course, I don't think it will matter much.

Take for example the most recent incident:

This happened after school one day, before I got home but my DS22 was home in the room. SD took a Kool Aid single [that belonged to my son who bought his own groceries] (I guess one that you pour into a water bottle) and snuck it into the bathroom where she poured it into her water bottle & took it to her room. My daughter was taking a shower & there a red substance all over the porcelain and she wanted to know what it was. So, I asked my son. He had no idea. Then DH was asked to try to identify clue. Finally, he called SD in there & she said she had no idea what it was. A couple of days later, the water bottle was found with the Kool Aid residue in it. So, she broke at least 5 rules... over something so stupid. She stole, because she knew my son bought it & it wasn't something she is allowed to have (even though I think if she had asked him, he would have said he didn't care & she could have fixed it in the kitchen & drank it at the table). She was being sneaky, because she knew it wasn't allowed or she would have fixed it in the kitchen. She made a mess that she didn't clean up, because if she had cleaned it up we probably wouldn't have found out. She lied by saying she didn't know what it was and she didn't know how it got there. She broke my DH's rule for eating in her room... this was a HUGE deal when my kids were teens & I never heard the end of it. and then she was caught. She admitted to DH that she did it & told him sorry for lying. She told him she is tired of drinking milk all the time. So, he came home the next day with several 2 liter bottles of fruit flavored soda for her.

I know the crux of the problems begin with DH's & BM's parenting (or lack thereof) and the more I sit back & see the situation from a detached position, the more I can say that it's DH's & BM's problem to deal with. They don't want to give her a consequence for lying, stealing, breaking the rules, etc... why should I care? When she is in jail or some other kind of trouble at 2am, it won't be me going down to the jail to pick her up. I won't post a bond for her. I won't get involved whatsoever... I will be soundly asleep.

As for my kids, the dust hasn't really settled from them moving out and fortunately, it's Friday so SD is with her mommy. Tonight is the first night it's just me & DH with DGS. Last night, they were moving DD's things & all stayed for dinner. Despite being irritated with my oldest son, we had a fairly nice evening & it was nice to have all of my kids in the living room at the same time. It's been a couple of years since we were all together & it started to sink in with my DD that she's really moving out. She's happy, nervous & sad... but excited most of all.

Of course, it just gives me one more thing to throw myself into so I am too busy to worry about what's going on with SD (or DIL/DS25 for that matter) Painting a room, decorating in Thomas the train & fixing up my home gym. That'll keep me busy for a week or two.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2012 at 2:35AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"She admitted to DH that she did it & told him sorry for lying. She told him she is tired of drinking milk all the time. So, he came home the next day with several 2 liter bottles of fruit flavored soda for her."

I was thinking about robbing a bank - when I get caught, I'll just tell them that I'm tired of not being rich, but I'm sorry for stealing. And then they'll just give me money!

How frustrating it must be for you. I'm glad everything is less stressful overall, though.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2012 at 9:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

mattie, when I asked about getting your Dr. Wonderful's number... well, partly it was because I can't help but want to hope that we can find a solution for SD. She is so miserable, but in all honesty.. unless DH sees a problem with his parenting (and let's face it, BM doesn't give a crap one way or the other)... it will just continue on the way it's going & probably get worse as she gets older. My kids were great and I have a good relationship with them (we talk about everything) but their teen years were very trying at times (and as young adults... well, it's no secret that I'm extremely disappointed in my son & his choices) and still, I search my memory of what I could have done differently. There are lots of things I could do differently, but I can't change things he got genetically from his father or experiences he had while he was there. As I foresee the train wreck with SD... and I think everything that has transpired up to now, has been minor to what could/most likely will happen as she gets older, I have to stuggle with myself because I don't want to witness the train wreck and DH is in denial that there's ever going to be a train wreck. So, I have a choice to end my marriage or detach from the situation and try not to look, which is hard for me to turn a blind eye. Neither one appeals to me at the moment, as much as I have thought of how easy life would be if I just ask for a divorce, I need to take my marriage vows seriously & this is "for worse", in my opinion.

Of course, when DH told me he bought the soda's for SD... I had to leave the room & get busy for a few minutes so I didn't say something (what I was thinking at that moment would have probably started a fight). Later, I calmly asked, "So... she she broke several rules because she is tired of drinking milk, and your answer is to reward her with orange soda?" and he said it wasn't like that but didn't want to talk about it. When she broke a $50 bucket of chocolate in my store, then lied to me about it, and I told her I expect her to pay for it (work it off or figure out how to "make it right") and DH actually wasn't going to do anything about it... he said, "It's done & over, it can't be changed so what do you want her to do?" I answered, "so when she starts using drugs or whatever she may get involved in, there won't be a point in doing anything once it's done? What if she robs a bank? Steals a car? Kills someone? Once it's done, it's over? Nothing you can do about it?" He had no answer and it's just obvious to me that he does not want to think about the future (potential problems) and he certainly does not want to deal with her. I don't quite get why he has a problem with it. He says SD is better off here than with her mom because her mom lets her do whatever she wants & there's no supervision. I don't see much difference except that DH gives her rules & boundaries that she breaks on a regular basis. At BM's house, SD can openly do what DH won't allow her to do so at our house, she is sneaky. I don't see a difference but what do I know? I'm just a stepmom.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2012 at 1:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It sounds like you all know eachother and I am so sorry for interrupting.

I read the "running into the room" part and I have to ask- why do they do it? My BF (for the record we are engaged)I feel too olf for boy friends :) tried to drag his son out...SS then when to his BM and told her he as scared of his dad because he made him walk with us, make eye contact, and answer questions(loud enough to be heard). BM took him immediately to SS councilor and the councilor told BD to let him stay in the room. Unless, it was related to chores or family dinner?

Is that what he should do? I think that it gives him what he wants- we always feel so badly when he mopes and withdraws and we are all having a good time.

It sounds like you would want your Husband to pull her out of that routine- please help me get this right in my mind. What is the right way to handle this?

I am thankful every single day that my two children like my BF and engage in a meaningful way with him. Personally, I think he should break if off with me- maybe his son would be more comfortable with someone else. Maybe not. I am so frustrated, kid usually like me.


    Bookmark   March 20, 2012 at 10:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It has been a progression since she began living with us full time. She has no reason to give DH for why she does it, he's asked her but then after he talks to her about it, she then has more attitude.. like I told on her to get her in trouble so she's mad at me. I don't have an answer either & it's frustrating. She tells her mom & her grandma's that she isn't allowed to come out. At this point (with her) I think she wants to play victim no matter what I do. She gets lots of attention when everyone thinks I am the mean wicked stepmom.. yet none of them suggests she move to live elsewhere (like with mom or even grandma). Apparently, nobody feels the need to RESCUE her from "evil Ima", they all just want to complain and SD gets the sympathy and attention.

It hasn't always been this bad but when she came to live with us, she was 8. She would go straight to her room & cry until she fell asleep. She was devastated that her mom moved away to be with a new boyfriend & didn't take her. I tried to talk to her, comfort her and give her her space to be alone. At first, we were happy to have custody of her & tried to make it "happy" but everything we did, she'd start crying & talk about how it reminded her of her mom... her mom used to do this, or that. etc. I had her in counseling but she would lie to the counselor & we got nowhere. During the week, she would spend a lot of time in her room when she wasn't going with me to run errands, counseling, etc. I used to take her to activities (swimming, dance, scouts, karate, school sports, etc) and she would talk with me but when we were home, she just go to her room. then we'd get calls from her mom that she didn't want me involved in her activities because I'm not her mom & she doesn't want me doing "mom" things. At first, we ignored it because BM lived so far away, it didn't seem she should have a say. Well, SD began having an attitude with me, I assume it was because her mom was mad that we weren't doing what she wanted. I had assumed SD wanted to participate (no, she TOLD me she wanted to participate) so I felt I was "standing up" for her and that her mom was wrong for not wanting her to be involved in anything) but it backfired because while I believe SD wanted to participate, she wanted her mom to approve and even get involved... which was never going to happen. So, she must have decided that she would participate but then tell her mom that she doesn't really want to so her mom would call us up and act like we are forcing her poor daughter to participate, like I'm some sort of stage mom. At the same time, SD was letting her grades slip to D's & F's so it just seemed it was not worth it for me to leave work, pay the participation fees, drive her around to activities, etc. if she was going to fail in school & tell her mom she didn't want to do the things I was "making" her do. (yet, she would not say that to us... she still maintains she WANTS to do activities). So, over the last five years, the potential for a relationship has withered and died. She has spent the majority of her time, manipulating everyone around her and everyone (except me) seems to be okay with it. I have to believe that if they all truly loved her and thought she was in harms way with me (because she tells them that I mistreat her), that any ONE of them would do something for her... like get her as far away from me as possible. It has definitely taken it's toll on me and my marriage. My DH says he loves me and appreciates me but he won't "parent" her and I have refused to. I'm at the point that if he left me, I will miss him but I think I will enjoy the peace. I'm just not willing to be the one to end it at this time.

If you are not yet married and think that he should break it off with you... maybe you should break it off with him? It's hard to say if his son will ever be comfortable with anyone... I don't take it personally that SD hates me. She does not want daddy with anyone. When he's single, she can get him to give her whatever she wants. Actually, she is pretty much doing that now that I am not voicing my opinion or getting involved in "parenting". Unless your BF agrees there is a problem and wants to address it, it will be a no win situation. Even if your BF wants to address it, he cannot MAKE a child like his partner or accept his father having a partner. (or his mother). And I do agree with the counselor to a point. Let him stay in his room... but you might want to ask the counselor what to do if he chooses to spend most of his time for several years, in his room refusing to be part of the family? That is where I am now. It's been over 5 years and SD has spent more time in her room avoiding the "family" and treats our house like she is just visiting and when she goes to visit her mom on the weekend, she is "going home". I have lots of concerns for the future... problems SD will have that might affect me, but one of the big ones is that she will have NO IDEA how to interact with family.

Also, you STBSS may be feeling jealous that his dad has a closer relationship with your daughters. That doesn't mean he wants that with you but he may resent sharing his dad. The part that stands out to me is that you say he complains to his mom instead of telling dad how he feels. My SD has also told her mom things like she has nightmares and is afraid to knock on our door to get her daddy... or she is afraid to tell her dad how she feels so she tells her mom, etc. I don't know why she would say she's afraid of DH when she seems to have him wrapped around her finger... my guess is that she is afraid to be called out that most of what she cries to her mom/grandma's about is total BS... so of course she's afraid to tell daddy... he knows it's BS because he lives here & knows what goes on.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2012 at 1:31AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Too much?? advice please
Hi. I am a Mum of 2- one being a step child, I am 27...
His ex controls the situation through the kids
I have been dating my BF for over 3 years now and his...
step adult kids
Where and how do I start.. my wife has two adult kids....
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
Venting and disengaging
Since the horrible experience of my step daughter's...
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™