JNM how are things??

yabberMarch 13, 2012

Do you still check in here every now and then?

How are things with your SD? I hope not as bad as mine :-(

SD15 has practically dropped out of school, she might go one or two days a week. She's in year 11 and I really don't think she can keep this up much longer so I'm expecting her to drop out (officially) soon.

This weekend we gave her a heads up on what she can expect from us if she goes on like this:

1. She will not be able to stay with us anymore during the week, we do not support Stay At Home Bums. So when BM kicks her out again, we'll let her stay the night but take her back the next day before we go to work.

2. We made it very clear that so far we have allowed BM and/or SD to decide on when/how long she stays with us. We do actually have control over what happens at our place. BM has dumped SD on our doorstep without any notice several times; deciding she was to live with us for however long. We have allowed this because we know BM has control-issues and SD was the child caught in the middle, so we did what was right for her. But now she's not a child anymore and it has to stop sometime, so that is now. (We can just see it now: SD dropping out of school, bumming around, getting into arguments with BM and when they need a break from each other she's dumped on us).

3. We showed understanding for the fact that BM has given a terrible example; never taking SD to school enough and giving her the message that that's ok, so now SD thinks nothing of it. But there comes a time when you become responsible for your own life. SD is old enough now to make her own choices now and she must know that we all have to live with the consequences of our own choices. We hope that SD realises she does have control over her own life.

4. When she helps herself and puts an effort in we are more than happy to help her out where ever we can. But if she chooses to continue on like this than don't expect a handout from us. We want her to have a happy life, to make the most of the opportunities that are out there (and not to become a loser like BM! But we didn't say that ;-)

SD listened with the sad face and didn't say much. Will she make a change? I'm not holding my breath. But I think it's still important we said it; because now she knows exactly what she can expect from us. It makes it easier to follow through with it later on; if we need to.

So that's my update :-)

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
justnotmartha

SO WEIRD! I haven't been on in a few weeks, but for some reason decided to check in tonight. Great minds. . . . :)

I think you are completely right in your actions. SD is old enough to know right from wrong, and to make her own choices. You guys fell in to the same trap we did - be the good guys, the 'make up for mom's shortcomings' adults, the drop everything for your kid parents. And just like ours, those seemingly good choices were abused. At some point you do have to take control, draw a line in the sand and insure your helping isn't really enabling. You can support your SD, but you don't have to condone her poor choices.

As far as my SD. . . I haven't spoken to her since Christmas. She and her dad have had a few conversations, but typically only when she wants something or wants to try to pit her mom and dad against each other for her gain. She doesn't inquire about her brothers, grandparents, etc. From Facebook he sees she is allowed to come and go pretty much as she pleases. She dropped out of her extra curricular activity, doesn't have a job, does poorly in school. Her focus is basically what her mother's has always been - find a man, keep a man. She's rapidly become a carbon copy of her mother - same selfish, victimized, short sighted behavior. She doesn't take any responsibility for the consequences of her actions. Basically, she's a completely different person than the girl I raised and loved. It's much easier to be this person than the person we encouraged her to be. I think your SD sounds similar in this regard.

I'll always love my SD, but I can't say I like her . . and I don't have any desire to have her as a part of my life.

I really hope your SD is able to see the forest through the trees before it's too late. My SD is 17 with only a year left of school - it scares me to think of what happens when she turns 18. Your SD has a few more years to get her act together. . . . I really hope she does. Stick to your guns either way - it really is best for her.

and keep updating!

    Bookmark   March 14, 2012 at 12:20AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
yabber

Wow I can still hardly believe it has turned out like that for you guys. I honestly thought SD would come to her senses. And you have your own boys at home, her half-brothers right? She must miss them, but to not even ask how they're doing??

What was it like when you saw her at Christmas? From my own experience I know how hard it is to not see SD for a long period of time and then you just don't know how to be around her when she does visit. Because you feel angry at how you've been treated by her, but you know that she doesn't really understand and/or care how her behavior is affecting you. Of course when you do finally see her it's always when there is some joyous occasion (Christmas or a birthday) so it's not really the right time to have a talk anyway. Leaving you to try and be pleasant and pretend for that moment that all is good. And then SD can go back to BM's without a worry in the world, after all isn't everything just great? UGH!

Does that ring a bell?

    Bookmark   April 2, 2012 at 3:33AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
His children
I need advice and this seems to be the only intelligent...
KBecdd
step adult kids
Where and how do I start.. my wife has two adult kids....
January99
Step Son Help
Hi, Im Rowdy and have been married for 11 years now....
StepDadRowdy
To visit or not to visit
About three years ago, after many instances of being...
wrychoice1
husband has new found 21 year old daughter
I am having a lot of trouble coping. Please dont beat...
bethster71
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™