Asking vs Demanding
I'm trying to figure out if I have a valid reason to be off put or am over reacting or being rejecting.This is usually the time of year both DH and I plan to visit our children/g-children.Both sets of children live a distance away so we usually either spend a night or two with family or hotel.We have never stayed at my kids.
My DH has been to see my family several times because they live closer and I've had a couple emergencies to attend to(passings)also births.His live such a distance it is more expensive to go and he struggles to be able to go on his own.I have not accompanied him to his children's area yet but plan to soon.
He is upset with me because I have declined this year in favor of next year because finances are tight.His family were just here 6 months ago,a lot of money was spent, among other situations.So,now he is making double payments on cards and trying to figure out how to get himself to his kids this year.This reason alone should be enough for DH to understand we will be pushing financial limits but saying no to his kids is not his forte.
DH complained that since I would not be going,would not be "in the picture"he planned to do this or that(can't remember what all due to the fight that ensued)with a rude tone to me.
I asked him,"do we have enough money for hotel,dinners out,activities this year?"Knowing that he will want to do all these things when he goes there.He got so angry with me because I told him I would feel more comfortable in a hotel my first visit there.Our first visit to my family was spent in a hotel as well.
It is at the moment too uncomfortable to stay in his children's homes for me due to obvious tension and issues had during a couple visits to our area(issues my DH refuses to acknowledge and pretends didn't happen). They also stayed in a hotel.
Sooo,now I am the bad guy who is rejecting his child who expects us to stay in her home when we do come.No one asked me.DH nor his D asked.Hey,you and Catnipped are welcomed to stay if she feels comfortable doing so instead of a hotel.It's up to you two but that is an option.No,just when you come you stay here. Let me know if your coming.
The reason is, I suspect, because the other grown DD and her husband doesn't want us staying there if I come along so her sister is offering to buffer it(and I appreciate it but...).This DD is ultra picky and has some rigid ways which is her right.I would never expect DH to demand we stay there.But he demands of me.
Now that DH is going alone he will be staying at the picky DD's home who is the reason he's going in the first place not the DD who expected we would stay with her.Which I don't care but I'm not oblivious either..
I asked DH(to call his bluff)since getting a hotel would be an insult to his children and he wants me to go so bad, if we'd be staying a couple days at one DD's,the other couple of days at the others?I'm curious to the response he will receive.
Why are we staying at the other DD's home all week when we are going because of the picky DD?But yet DH labels me the trouble maker because I'd like a room and the sole person who has a lodging issue."YOU are the only one with an issue."
Now,yes this sounds immature.I acknowledge it.I should just be glad one of his kids are willing to tolerate me staying in her home.I am glad and appreciate it but I do not feel comfortable with it is my issue but this matters not to DH.
I need my own space and some privacy to clean up,sleep,a place to go if things get too hectic or there is some kind of situation I need removed from.
He demands to know why I want a hotel and my reasons aren't good enough. So, DH, why not ask picky DD why she has not offered her home and demand her reasons if I'm the only one with issue as he claims?Why aren't you picking up the phone?Just to get him to see my point. I'll be waiting till doomsday and the look on his face was one that says he will never question it bc he knows why.
DH has dropped the idea of me going this year(surprise).
Should I just stay where ever they expect and suck it up in the future or be firm on my decision to stay else where in the evening?And stop trying to make a point to DH so he will stop pinning all on me?DH is making a lot of misery because of this issue.
I'm tired of not being asked,being expected to do as he wishes and DH not compromising with me as I do with him.
Does it seem rejecting to decline staying there without being asked or consulted?I'm not trying to reject her.But I know what I am and am not comfortable with and DH trying to force me feels like a violation to me.
I can't believe I'm even having this issue.It's ridiculous to me.It just feels like my DH has no respect for my boundaries or my comfort zone but will go out of his way to respect his kids.I don't get why he can't respect both.