SO frustrated!

perdue2March 31, 2009

What is most difficult is knowing that I am doing what BM should be doing and not getting any respect or appreciation for it. We get no support money, even though she is required to pay. With support money from BM, we would not have to work so much. Meanwhile, she has no job and can enjoy her day doing what she wants because she has no children to take care of. But if I don't care for them the way BM approves of, I never hear the end of it. And neither does my husband, because she will complain to him about me which annoys him. Then, BM will tell SD that I am an a$$hole or a b**ch when they talk on the phone. Then, in turn SD treats me like crap, and dad says nothing because "I am the adult" and should be able to handle it. When I get upset and correct SD for being disrespectful, the child says I'm mean to her. DH says I'm not supposed to let it bother me, which upsets me. It's like one huge, vicious circle.

I expect no more or no less from my SC than I expect from my own child. I think that everyone in the house should help out, but they don't. I end up having to clean up after them and DH constantly. I can't stand a dirty house yet it doesn't seem to matter to them. Should I be the one who has to change here? What happened to the "middle ground"? I don't expect them to change completely, but I don't think I should have to either. I've tried to compromise by letting things go, or buying bins for them to just toss their things into like they are used to doing. Nothing works. In fact, SD will go out of her way to do things she knows will annoy me, as I have heard her state that she does not care what I want. Then when I get frustrated and say something, she again tells DH I am picking on her. If I let him know, he thinks I am being unreasonable. Then DH and I end up fighting. With each passing day, the confrontations get worse and more often. I love my DH, but I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this.

Thanks for the vent!

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Your problem is that your husband is not being your partner... he is allowing his child to mistreat you, which in my opinion is him mistreating you.

I've been where you are. My SD's mom pretty much dumped both of her kids to be with a BF she only knew a couple of weeks. She cancels visits when she is busy with BF & his kids, calls when it's convenient for her or she wants to stir up crap with us, and basically has been less and less involved in her daughters life... but all hell breaks loose when I do anything she disapproves of... even if it's nice things for her daughter. After all "ima's not her mom, I am!" proclaims BM to anyone that will listen. I totally get your frustration because when all this went down, all I could do was imagine how BM was sleeping in every morning while I was getting her daughter up for school, making her lunch and getting her breakfast. As I rushed to get things done during the day so i would be home when SD got out of school, I imagined BM sunbathing and living a carefree life with no worries. After all, she refused to get a job because she might have to pay support. She told DH that since SD was going to 'stay' with us, she would not make DH pay her the support he was ordered to pay when they had 50/50. SD had the attitude with me every time she got off the phone with her mom, every time she couldn't get through to her mom, every time she came back from her mom's and every time I told her ANYTHING she didn't like... which was everyday. She lives with me and I treat her like I treat my own kids... that includes getting on her when she does not pick up after herself, or when she doesn't do her homework or when she needs to take a shower.. all things she complained to BM that I was picking on her. We got calls from BM almost weekly for a while, complaining on SD's behalf. The difference is that DH was on the same page and team as me. He told BM it's our house, our rules. When she persisted, he ignored/disregarded her stupid complaints. He supports me with enforcing the rules with SD. We work in unison and if we disagree, we discuss it where SD cannot hear and she does not know about our disagreements. We do not undermine each other, even if we do not agree on something. If one of us tells SD something that the other does not agree with, we still go along with it as if we both agree on it. Then, we discuss it in private so we can agree on how to handle it next time. If SD were to see us argue or disagree over her, she will use it to her benefit. She already does it with BM and DH/me. We have told SD countless times that her mom does not make the rules in our house and she can complain to mom all she wants and there isn't anything her mom can do to change what happens in our house. DH no longer answers the phone when BM calls him. He lets her leave a message and if she is calling to talk to SD, he has SD call her back. If she is calling to complain, he can decide if it's an issue they need to discuss (issues dealing with SD's health, safety or education) and he will call her back. Actually, they mainly communicate via email or text because BM is a pathological liar and will deny saying something and with a text or email, he has proof of exactly what was said. (and she still denies

It's a bigger issue that you and your DH are fighting and not 'together' on this and compromise only works if it goes both ways. (and when SD goes out of her way to annoy you, the best course is to recognize what she's doing and ignore it. she's doing it to get a rise out of you and/or get you and DH to fight and when it works, she has all the power. It won't stop as long as she's getting something out of it.)

Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2009 at 12:01AM
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I totally understand your frustration purdue!
With 4 kids in our home it does not take long for it to look like total chaos...even after I just cleaned! I was just telling someone how I feel like I clean all day yet nothing looks clean! I long for one of those homes where people could stop by unexpectidly and walk in to a spotless home. Fact of the matter is we live in our home and my kids do stuff besides sit at a video game all day (then our home would be clean! LOL).

I do have the kids help clean a lot. Not really certain chores. Just ask them to do things as they need to be done. Sometimes I make a list of what needs to be done and have the kids pick which ones they would rather do.

My DH is a slob though. I have to remind him constantly to clean up behind himself. If his clothes do not make it to the hamper I don't wash them! He got irritated getting ready for work one day and nothing clean in the closet! I pointed to the floor in our bedroom and master bathroom.

I don't know many people with kids and a busy life that have spotless homes anymore. Life kind of takes over I guess. Don't do it all yourself. Make everyone pitch in so your not so stressed.

And as far as bm...well it stinks! Our bm rarely works and has never paid a dime in child support. Now she makes the comment about having 3 kids at her house to support...well she went and had them AFTER the 3 we have custody of!! Her dumb choice...why should these kids have to suffer?? They don't really suffer...but we could be putting more money away for their college if she helped!

Hang in there.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2009 at 9:55AM
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you are not their maid. seems like they want a maid, then maybe they should pay you for cleaning after them. tell them how much you want to charge and see what happens.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2009 at 11:43AM
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Your main problem is the fact the your hubby does not support you and gets ear full from ex.
1. Make it very clear to exwife that you guys are raising her and if she doesn't like it, then come get her daughter and get a job and raise her.
2. Tell your husband that if he doesn't step up you are no longer being held responsible for her.
ie. Since you are such a B and you are being called that then :
a: your Sd can wash her own clothes and iron them
b: if she doesn't like what you are cooking , then tell your husband or her to cook something else.
c. Stop being her maid all together.
Do the opposite of what you have been doing.Do not treat her as an equal to your kids since obviously there is something wrong in that and you are being called for it.
Put the full responsibility of SD onto your husband. In one shot and do not back him in any way and see how far he gets.
Your husband should be responsible for his daughter tongue. behaviour everything.
And if BM says your an *sshole and B ask her who is the one who has no job and doesn't support her daughter and who is the one who doens't have custody???? Courts grant mothers 99.99 % of custody....if they do not have its usually because the mother is unfit. So throw that in her face for a change.
I'm sorry but i get so peeved when i hear BS like this.
Your main problem is your husband. The second problem is BM and you should straighten it out. Meaning tell her for once how reality is then tell her to stuff it and then cut communication with her all together. Let yoru dh handle it and tell yoru dh its on his shoulders from now on.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2009 at 12:22PM
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