Not SF related ~ Child dies at school

imamommyMarch 25, 2009

My SD came home today and told me a boy from her class, who has a 'disease' fell at school & the ambulance came to take him to the hospital and he died.

Any thoughts on how to deal with this? By the time SD told me this, it was after 5 and the school was closed. They did not send home a note or notify parents in any way. SD is upset and I'm upset that we were not notified so we could be prepared to discuss this with her. (I'm annoyed that they have an automatic telephone calling system that calls parents with reminders all the time and the one time I feel we NEED to be notified of something, it isn't utilized)

Am I overreacting to think that the school has a responsibility to make parents aware and maybe even offer grief counseling? SD is in the 4th grade and the boy was in her class. It probably wouldn't bother me as much that they didn't call or send a note if it hadn't happened AT school.


Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


How sad for this child's family and for the other kids at school. I did not read what time of day this happened. Perhaps they were not able to have enough next of kin notified before sending out detail with the kids. I do think that they should have parents notified in some way. Either by phone, printout or email. I would be very shocked if there wasn't something set up by morning to deal with this.

You might call the school board and express you frustration.

I would want to go to school with my child and see first hand how they expect to handle the other students and how they plan on talking with them about it.

My heart goes out to the family. So very sad. Blessings for you little SD also.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 1:13AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

How did your SD know that he died? If the kids knew he died, it seems reasonable to expect that the next of kin must have been notified, and the school would know.

The school should have grief counseling available by today. I would contact the school to find out their policies. I think even if he died away from school the students will find out and the parents should be made aware of the circumstances. Otherwise rumors will prevail. I don't think you are overreacting at all.

I know what you mean about the crazy telephone system. It seems I get a call nearly every night about some little thing that was also sent home three times on paper and on the marquee outside the school for the past week.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 10:25AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

That is horrible! Working in the school system I have always seen notice given to parents over big things like this the same day. Is it possible that this incident happened at the end of the day and they all knew the child would die? If it happened right before dismissal there would be no time for notices to go home.

But I would think that the following day grief counselors would be there and notice would be going home.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 10:40AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It was all a LIE! An elaborate lie SD made up and I am in shock!

I called the school this morning and the school couldn't believe SD said that. They said a boy fell on the playground and was taken by ambulance to the ER. He was released and came back to the school to get his things.

SD was telling me how this boy had a disease where he couldn't be out in the sun and she was sad because she played with him all the time....

I even called the newspaper to see if they knew anything about it. They said they hadn't but would look into the story this morning. I'm embarrassed that the school will get a call now from the paper about this lie.

Fortunately, I did not give SD's name to the school or the paper, so they won't know who made up this story... but why would she lie about something so serious? Attention? She had to know we would find out it's a lie.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 11:07AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"but why would she lie about something so serious? Attention? She had to know we would find out it's a lie."

Bingo! Attention.

And, also, you've theorized that BM may be a pathological liar. Those sorts of disorders are hereditary.
If she has a "truth disorder": She may not fully understand WHY she lied. Or it may not have been a conscious choice of "Hey, I should make up a lie" - her mind may have been wandering to the land of what-ifs and one of them felt true, so she told it. (My uncle's wife -aka Auntie Bullsh17- has some kind of truth disorder... But ironically she lies about trying to change it.)

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 12:24PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I can relate to that since when DD was in elementary school, TWO of her classmates died of leukemia after very prolonged battling the disease (they didn't die at the same time, but maybe like 6 months apart). DD knew them very well, she was devastated. While they were ill DD always asked our congregation to pray for them. We collect names of everyone we know who is ill and whole congregation prays for them. When they passed away, DD also asked our Rabbi to say a prayer for them. i had a lot of discussion wiht her about illnesses and death because of what happened.

Also DD got involved in fundraisings and other stuff researching cancer, AIDs or other deadly illnesses. She also started donating blood as soon as she turned 17. I think experiences like this made DD to be a compassionate person. Suggest to SD to do something nice in memory of that child or preventing other children from dying young.

As about why school didn't do say anything to anyone. i do not remember what DD's school did when those precious boy pased away. It was long ago. what a sad experience.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 12:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I replied after only reading the first post, as i scrolled down...I see that my post is irreveant, she lied? Wow. Could it be she thought since he is taken on ER he is dying? Oh my. Wow. I wonder how she explained her lies?

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 12:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I didn't see that one coming. Has anyone in her life died before? Pets? She could have just been exaggerating 'a la' 'And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street'.

Is she usually dramatic? When I was young I was a little drama queen. Everything was exaggerated. I didn't realize the potential for damage for a while... perhaps explaining to her how many people could have been hurt by her lie?

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 1:59PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

We haven't had a chance to call her on it, she had left for school this morning when we found out. Now, we are contemplating whether we should even discuss it with her when she gets home. On the one hand, is it giving her negative attention to talk about it? I feel like just letting her know we found out it was not true and not giving it anymore attention than that. On the other hand, I want to find out 'why' she would lie, tell her how her lie may hurt others and hold her accountable. The problem is that she lies so often, we've had this discussion with her so many times. She cries, she apologizes and so on.. until the next lie. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. and now I am tempted to just assume EVERYTHING that comes out of her mouth is a lie. I really hate feeling this way!

According to the school, the boy returned to the classroom to get his backpack and things after being released from the hospital. The students (the whole school) was repeatedly reassured that he was fine. I don't know if there is any way she could have misinterpreted that to think he had died.

A couple of years ago, we got a frantic (read: drama) call from BM after my aunt died. SD had never met my aunt and did not go to the services. She merely heard my dad tell me about the services. BM had a fit because SD was so upset by someone dying... as if we have any control over that. The same thing happened when another aunt died last year... BM called DH to complain that we exposed SD to another death and it upsets her when someone dies. (well, DUH!)

Another thing SD used to do when she was in trouble... she would start crying uncontrollably and say she was sad about her cat dying. DH says that cat died years before he met me when SD was 2 or 3. She was 7 or 8 when she would have these emotional outbursts over the cat dying.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 4:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The crying and apologizing must work for her. The discussing it doesn't work.

How about a taste of her own medicine? I ask my dd how she would feel if I lied about taking her somewhere, or I broke something of hers and hid it.

Have you read Peter and the Wolf to her yet?

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 1:47PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

When I got home yesterday, I asked her about the boy that died. She had the opportunity to say she was mistaken... as DH said he thought maybe she was just repeating a rumor and not intentionally lying (can we say 'denial'?) Well, I asked SD what she thinks the school might have told me if I talked to them. She stuck to her story that he was taken to the hospital but didn't live. So, I asked her if he was in school today and she got really quiet, probably wondering how much I knew and quietly said yeah. She didn't cry, she didn't apologize, she just sat there looking away. I asked her how she thinks the boy's family would feel if they knew what she said. She said they would probably be angry at her. I told her that I had called the newspaper too and her mouth fell open but she didn't say a thing. DH didn't talk to her at all about it.

This morning, I asked her how she will feel if everyone at the school knew what she had said? I expected her to say she would feel humiliated or embarrassed or bad for the kid and his family. Instead, she said she would feel sad and hurt if they thought badly of her. I told her that she isn't the victim, that what she did may have caused pain to other people and she needs to write a letter of apology and give the reason she said it and what she can do to make it right.

I don't expect a 10 year old to understand why she did it, but I do want to make her think about the reasons (in her mind) that she said such a thing.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 3:17PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I don't think you should be looking for logic or reason in a situation such as this. A kid as young as 10 doesn't fully understand consequences, and, if it's pathological/compulsive, other things are afoot here. It's not really a question of 'discipline' or consequences or military school or whatever.

Has your daughter seen a therapist? Kids do make things up sometimes, but if it's part of a pattern, that's not quite right. You should be consulting a health professional about it, and/or the school counsellor.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 3:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

She spent two years in counseling and I stopped when we lost our insurance... she had been snowballing the therapist. She would tell him how wonderful things are between me and her when she was, in reality, ignoring me and treating me like I am non existent.

I've been concerned because her mom lies pathologically. She went into my husband's work one day and ran past his window. He called her to ask why she didn't stop to drop off her daughter's backpack like they had discussed and she claimed she was home, three hours away. He told her he saw her run and jump into her truck and drive away with her boyfriend in the rental vehicle (my husband works at the dealership that fixed her truck) and she told him that it wasn't her, it was her 70+ year old mother that is almost a foot shorter than her. Three other people saw her and she still denies it was her. Whatever! No reason to lie about it.. who cares if it was her or not, but why lie?

Last month, they went to court to get an order so BM's mom can pick up SD from school instead of BM. Later that day, DH gets a call from BM's mother telling him that it's a good thing the court gave her permission because it will save her a lot of money as she filed a case against him in her county and he was going to be served that very night but she went ahead and called off the process server. Well, an online check of the county court case index shows there are no cases filed against DH in her county, our county or BM's county. In the day and age of computers and online databases, her lie is so easy to prove. Again, why lie? Why even call DH to tell him he isn't going to be served on a case that doesn't exist? If he isn't going to be served, who cares? What difference does it make if a case was filed or not? But they seem to NEED to lie... I guess if nothing else, it gave her a reason to call DH. I just don't get it.

When I first read the post saying that a lying disorder is hereditary, I laughed and didn't think so. But, reflecting on BM's mom lying over stupid things, nothing really... and BM lying over things that don't matter, maybe it's true. maybe SD can't help it because it's in her genes. If so, then what good is a counselor going to do? She's at least a 3rd generation liar and my understanding of therapy.. you can only help someone that WANTS to be helped. She apparently wants to be like her mom and grandma. I still don't think it hurts to have her write out why she thinks she did it and what she can do to make it better (amends), even if it isn't logical. I am not going to send the letter to anyone and there really isn't any discipline or consequence that could be imposed, I agree she probably doesn't understand why she does it and it probably is either a compulsion or modeled behavior that she doesn't know why she does it. But, I really don't think it will hurt her (and it's not a punishment) to self reflect and try to grasp onto some sore of thought as to why she...

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 6:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It could well also be a medical disorder such as bipolar (early onset) or even psychosis. If it appears 'hereditary' that may be an indicator of a medical condition or it may be a learned behaviour.

I don't think you can afford to ignore the medical aspect of it, even if you don't have insurance, there are usually agencies that can assist. It might also be a good idea to try a psychiatrist who may be more able to look for underlying medical causes....

    Bookmark   March 28, 2009 at 5:10AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
His ex controls the situation through the kids
I have been dating my BF for over 3 years now and his...
7 year old step son troubles please help
Hello everyone, I need some advise please. I have been...
Can I handle becoming a stepmom one day?
I just turned 36 earlier this month. My boyfriend and...
end of rope
I thought I could do this. I have some good memories...
If I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
It seems my five-year-old topic has reached its limit...
Sponsored Products
Michigan State Spartans 'Country' Grommet Flag
$14.99 | zulily
Malibu Flood Lights. LED Solar Cast Metal Black Flood Light (2-Pack)
$24.97 | Home Depot
Tango Tumbler - MULTI COLORS
$62.00 | Horchow
Black and Gold Ceramic Bathroom Vessel Sink
Strictly for Kids Preferred Mainstream Adventurer 5 Toddler Wave Loft - SF5082
Safavieh Indoor/Outdoor Area Rug: Safavieh Rugs Courtyard Black/Beige 4 ft. x 4
$45.58 | Home Depot
Calculite 6 Inch Non-IC Frame-In Kit
Delta 6 Drawer Dresser - Black Cherry - 70816-607
$249.98 | Hayneedle
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™