Adult Steps Drama
I am married to a man with four children.I have one child(all grown).
From the very first meeting with my husband's children I have been interrogated about who "gets"what when we die.They have expressed wanting items that "mean something"to them.I fully understand and have made it clear the items would be handed over to them if I should survive my husband, gladly.I understand the desire to have things to remember a parent ,grandparent or their parents marriage by.
I have even suggested to my husband, maybe later as we get older, some of those things he should start giving to them while he is still here.If he wishes to do so.
I am aware of conversations(pieces of them )my husband has had with his kids privately.Some of them concerning me in the future.Now,if it concerns him and his children and has no effect on me,fine.But if it concerns me or effects me I expect to be told about it.More to it, but too long for now.It's been a problem and my level of trust in my husband has reduced.
The second issue is the very first visit with these grown children I was told of some very personal situations I did not want or need to know about.I was also asked not to tell my husband,keep secrets and essentially lie.
So,until recently, I kept it under my hat while I would hear about conversations had where husband's children flat out lied to him about the personal situations.He bought it hook,line and sinker.
Finally,my husband started to suspect his ex wife's partner was the reason for certain ...activities..of one of his children.The adult children do not like their Mothers partner or me for that matter.They have said negative things about the Mothers partner.Petty things.
I blew up and let loose all that I knew after three years of silence.The fact they asked me to keep quite about it and making it clear some lies had been and continued to be told.That he was blaming someone for situations this other person had nothing to do with.
Since,my DH has not once said he felt bad they put me in the situation to begin with upon just meeting them.
He will not acknowledge the behavior displayed toward me when I have been in their presence.He will tell me I misunderstood,etc.They asked me to lie...to him.I also wonder if my DH even believes what I've told him.He acts like it never happened.No,ah ha moment.
He also says they aren't worried about his estate when it is obvious they are.He says they never bring it up but yet slips with pieces of conversation about it now and then.
I have helped and co own some of that estate but am willing to be fair to all involved.However,I personally am out to make sure DH and I are protected and when we are both gone the children involved can receive each parents share of the estate.
The personal items of course will be handed over immediately at the appropriate time.That is even an issue with DH it seems.I'm sorry but this is our home and I expect us both to use it until we no longer need it.My child has never brought up issues like this with me.It is all coming from him and his kids.
I know they are his children but the blinders he has on causes some real problems in our marriage.It's like they can say,do,cause drama,whatever but if I make a little blunder(I did get a bit bitey last visit which is a story of its own) I hear about it repeatedly.
They have also caused drama before upon the death of another family member to the point it caused argument and finger pointing at people who had no idea they were being complained about behind their back.
Another family situation has come up recently and they are again voicing complaint and I have tried to reason with my DH if he allows this drama again his children will start to be seen as people who cause problems and please keep their complaints to himself to avoid another round of fights.
Especially any problems brought to our door over it and that is a very high possibility.If not for that fact I would say nothing at all about it.
These are grown adults,not babies or teenagers.I try to avoid it,stay out of it unless I see the potential for problems for DH and I.
How do you handle a man who refuses to see let alone step up and try to smooth out these issues?How do you handle it when you are blamed for children who started problems from the word go and it's twisted around to target you?
Or your DH insinuates you are a liar because he says he can't see his kids doing something like that?He didn't see it or hear it therefore doubts it happened.
Or adults who ask you to lie for them?My DH wants me to accompany him to visit them also.I do not want to and he continues to try to talk me into going.I see no point as they will just resent me being there anyway.
I am trying to disengage but it is difficult when he believes I should continue to try to get to know these people with no understanding of why I really have lost interest in doing so.
Sorry so long or if it's hard to understand,lol.My head is kind of spinning from it because all these issues have kind of come to a head between my DH and I recently.