Bio mom is driving me crazy

cat38March 22, 2009

Im gonna say SORRY before I even get started, it seems is that all I do is vent... I think Im going crazy... I wonder if i have made a huge mistake in even getting married (yes I love my husband but his ex is driving me crazy)

ss comes to our house 50% of the time they have joint custody with each one having primary residential custody.. I say that since they have him equally that they should be on the same page with at least their sons school work, but mom says she will do what she wants and he can do what he wants..

Heres the problem

ss says these things WITHOUT US BRINGING THEM UP!!!!!!!!!!

Mommy doesnt give me a bath oops sorry shower because her tub is so filled with crap they have to us the shower...

mommy doesnt give me my medicine

or make me read or do my homework

and she Bio mom says that when daddy asks you just lie and say us

Well DH called her out on it and she fessed up saying he doesnt need a shower everyday (hes 6 and plays at school all day ) her dad and boyfriend smoke in the house they dont clean (from what I hear) and SS has asthma

I was going to call dcf but DH's attorney said to wait until they go to the specialist on Tuesday for their son..

since the appointments are about hour away she has decieded to pick him up from school and skip soccer practice and go to a hotel. I know why shes going to a hotel because she doesnt want ss to smell like cig smoke so she can lie to the doctor...

my ex and I can along for our kids.. I just dont get why do people lie..

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"I just dont get why do people lie.." ...because its easier than facing the truth ... that they are fu$%ed up

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 12:50AM
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A six year old can probably get by without bathing for a couple of days. If he's really active, he should get a shower/bath every other day or so at least. If he is showering but can't take a bath because the tub is dirty or full of stuff... at least he's showering. Nothing you can do about why he takes a shower vs. bath. I'd be more concerned if he was not brushing his teeth all week... my SD used to come back saying she hadn't brushed her teeth in four or five days.

The medicine is a bigger health issue too. Is dad calling his son each evening? Can he check with his son to make sure that he's taking his medication and/or speak to mom each day to make sure it's getting done?

Homework/reading: Six is a bit young but if the kid is wise enough to tell dad mom isn't making me do my homework, then he obviously knows it needs to be done... can't he read on his own? Most kids at six, don't have more than ten minutes of homework. Can dad ask him when he calls in the evenings if he's done his homework? If mom is not going to see that it gets done, then dad can call his son to remind him. He may not be able to check it but it's better than him not doing it at all.

I have a HUGE problem with parents that smoke around their kids! It really doesn't matter if the child is healthy as opposed to having health problems (although health problems, especially respiratory problems issues make it even worse, IMO) My mom smoked and everything smelled of smoke, including ME.

But, the biggest problem in your post is that mom is telling her child to LIE! I think THAT is the single most damaging thing a parent can do. Everyone lies... at least a white lie here or there (or has at some point in their life) it's human nature. But, to TEACH your child to lie is absolutely disgusting! and to teach the child that it's OK to lie to their other parent so they can get away with doing all those other things is incomprehensible!

I'm terribly sad for that little boy!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 10:20AM
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Sounds familiar.

My SO's younger DD rarely goes to moms during college breaks, she stays at dads, but on occassion when she does go there she comes back to dads to take a shower because mom's shower is too filthy and she cannot make herself to set a foot there (and if she only visits mom like once in 1-2 months i wouldn't expect her to start cleaning there, simply not enough time). She also doesn't eat there because it is filthy in a kitchen. so her visiting mom looks like that. Eats dinner at dads, does her laundry at dads, drives to moms late at night, sleeps there, shows up early morning at dads to take a shower, eats breakfast at dads etc. LOL If she runs in mom's area (she is a runner) then she drives from there back to dads to take a shower. Ouch. I would think she wouldn't talk about mom's filth in my presence, but she does.

Mom lives wiht BF, no one else is there. I cannot understand how can two people get their shower and kitchen that dirty?

it is nothing you can do about filth, but dad can do something about medicine, smoking etc. Those are health hazard issues, actually filth can be pretty dangerous too.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 12:00PM
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I could care less if he showers or takes a bath. But he needs to do one or the other.. Hes active and the house where his mom lives is filthy and stinks like dog and smoke...
ss doesnt like to read and if he can get away from it he will...

When dh picks him up in the morning from bm he smells so bad I put him right in the bath... Dh takes him to school 4 days a week because of that... BIOMOM IS JUST LAZY
DH calls him every night biomom has him but biomom will only let him talk on her cell and it gets a crappy connection, so its usually daddy i cant hear you i love you goodnight...

biomom tells him to lie all the time, he knows that lying is wrong thats why he tells dh everything.

Tommorrow dh and biomom are taking him to a pulmotoligist and asthma specialist... she put if off and kept cancelling appointments until dh sent her a registered letter about the appointments.( she says its my day and i dont have time to spend all day at the doctors office) she sucks

Tonight at soccer practice (dh coaches his soccer team) she actually left her car and sat on the bleachers Thank god I was going back and forth to my daughters practice. I told ss to have his mom put his cleats on for him and he said no she cant i want you to do it, I said it a little louder hoping she would come do it but she just sat there, so I did it .(dont take me wrong I enjoy doing things for ss, I just figured since biomom finally got out of her car she would want to do it) I figured wrong again...

I dont sleep because of all of this crap..

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 11:12PM
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Sorry for the spelling

Biomom tells dh she gives him his meds, and she really isnt.. Dh goes to the school to pick up my nephew on biomoms days just so he can give his son a hug and a kiss.. The other day biomom grabbed their sons hand and said its my day not yours and took him to the car..

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 11:21PM
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Cat, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds so similar to my SD's mom. A couple of years ago, they shared 50/50 and we came to an event during BM's time, she grabbed SD and kept her from talking to us because it was HER time. She says she gives SD her medication but she probably hasn't even filled the prescription because she won't spend the money on it... sounds SOOOO familiar.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago, she met a guy and dumped both her girls after knowing this guy two weeks. She moved three hours away to be with him. She doesn't bother coming to school events... tonight was SD's play & no BM. SD tried to call her twice after and got her voice mail... no call back. She's going to be 10 next week & she is beginning to see what her mom is all about. It has been about her mom, not her.

When a parent grabs the child to keep the child from seeing or talking to ANYONE else that the child cares about, the parent is hurting the child. The child will eventually see that it's more about mom wanting to be in charge/control and not about mom caring for the child. Kids will figure it out, even if it's when they become adults. Sometimes they side with the parent that does that because they feel sorry for or obligated but eventually, they will resent or even hate them for it.

I've been dealing with it for almost five years now. It does not get easier. It has been hard for me to see a mom that was what I thought so involved.. she used to be at her school all the time, take her to activities, etc. and now she is hardly involved at all. One of the factors may be that we simply try our best to disengage from BM. We are not 100% successful and I come here to vent when it gets to be too much, but when we stopped fighting with her (and she does try to start spats all the time over trivial things as well as big issues), she backed off. I'm sure the boyfriend helped take her attention too, but I hang on to the belief that if she truly was the involved parent she first portrayed herself as... 'lovingly possessive' of her daughter, she would never have cut off her daughters at a time when they probably need her most. I wholeheartedly believe she is so self absorbed that her prior 'involvement' in her daughter's life was more about 'appearances' and making herself appear to be a great mom rather than genuine concern for her own kids. I don't doubt she loves her kids but she is so wrapped up in herself that her own happiness is more important than her kids.

So I do understand what you are going through. I used to stay up late, wake up in the middle of the night and lose sleep over BM's antics and at times, it's put a strain on my marriage and it's a constant strain on my relationship with my SD. When I have to pay for fillings and BM doesn't make her brush teeth; When I have to take SD to the doctor and stay home with her because BM let her play outside with shorts in the freezing cold or let her eat nothing but junk or let her stay up all night or whatever else she does there; When I would try to fix things for SD because she counted on her mom but mom let her down... SD resents me, probably because she wants her mom to do the things she knows I will do but her mom won't. I resent BM for doing these things to her daughter and I feel I am forced to sit by watching SD suffer. The only thing that has helped is me letting go of the resentment I have for BM, which isn't easy at all. Like making a lame excuse for not coming to SD's play after she promised several times over the last few weeks that she'd be there. She told us nobody told her about it.... well, her daughter told her many times and heard her tell us she knew nothing about it. Sadly, SD pretended that she 'forgot' to tell her mom and repeatedly apologized to BM for not telling her.. then cried on the way home from BM's house.

I guess my point is that there is nothing you can do about what BM does. She doesn't give meds... nobody can 'make' her, not even a Judge. She doesn't bathe him... nobody can 'make' her. The Judge can change custody. The Judge can put her in jail. She can be ordered to pay money or perform community service. But, nobody can 'make' her do anything. Jail is about the only thing they can 'make' her do... and it's usually a last resort. It makes me sick to think of kids being treated that way and the courts give crappy parents too many 'chances' in my opinion but hopefully.. the child eventually ends up in a better situation. Either the parent that doesn't really want to parent will get tired of playing the 'battle' game because the other parent won't play back... or the courts will intervene and put the child with the clearly better parent. Parenting gets harder, it doesn't get easier and the older a kid gets, the harder they are to control/manipulate and if the parent is only using the child to stay engaged in the battle with the other parent, then they will eventually go away when there is no longer a battle... it isn't 'fun' anymore. Without the battle, there is just the hard work of parenting the children. If a parent is focused on doing the hard work of parenting, they don't have time for games. You need to let it go, support your husband if he seeks custody and focus on having a better relationship with your stepson when he is with you.

His mother may be trash but she is his mother and always will be. It already says a lot that his mom is right there and he asks you to do for him, not her. As angry as I get at BM, it makes it easier when I change perspectives and feel sorry for her. I was SO angry when she lied to say she can't make it tonight because nobody told her about the play. As I was sitting there watching her play, I thought 'BM is missing out on watching her daughter perform and I get to see it.'

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 1:47AM
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you are so right, I just hate seeing my ss suffer as well as my dh.. bm is still in love with dh and thats where alot of the bitterness comes from on both sides.. She just does so many things to try and cause problems for me and dh..
example- sending her other son's medical bills to my house addressed to her and dh incare of the son... The son she had as a result of an affair, a dna test was done she gave the son dh's last name. Its just all vindictive...
SS tells dh he wants to live with him full time, but that he doesnt want to hurt his moms feelings.. I dont know how a 6 year old can come up with this by himself.. when hes sick dh makes all appointments stays up with him at night.. I just wish they could parent their son without the fighting, in all reality its only hurting my ss...

I always feel better when I vent... So thank you for listening to another ventful day...LOL

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 9:09AM
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