Birthday Drama ~ another vent
I'm just (once again) feeling a need to vent!
Yesterday was SD's 10th birthday. A couple of weeks ago, DH asked BM if she was going to get her this year since last year she declined. Just a brief background for those that haven't heard it before.
SD lives with us full time. BM started a custody fight ON SD's 8th birthday. They had a disagreement over the cost of a joint party so she threatened to not let him see SD. At the time, they had 50/50 but no court involvement. Five months later, there was a trial & the court kept 50/50. BM met her BF a week or two later and moved 3 hrs away, leaving SD with us F/T.
For her 9th birthday, DH offered BM 8am-8pm since the court ordered time is 2-6pm because BM didn't want to drive three hours each way for a four hour visit. So, BM still declined to get her & was going to celebrate the next weekend. The next weekend, BM decided she had to go to a party with her BF and sent SD over to her BF's parents & they had cake with her... SD was in tears after we picked her up because her mom didn't celebrate with her.
So, this year DH asked her ahead of time if she was getting SD this year (a Sunday), again offering 8am-8pm. She said her mom (BM's mom) would pick up SD at 8:30am (that 8 was too early) and is to keep her until 8pm. So, at 8:30am SD's sister called DH to tell him they (her & grandma) would be there to get SD at 9. He told her we had to be at work at 9 so they can pick her up there. I went to work w/SD in tow. DH took the truck to pick up a delivery. Grandma shows up, sends SD's 13YO sister in to get her. Whatever.. seems SD's sister is now doing the exchanges... calling to arrange time/place & coming in to get her, grandma is just the driver? Oh well, I wished SD a happy birthday & she left. SD calls DH at 1:45 to tell him BM got her a pet mouse. He says she can't bring it to our house. (a little annoying that she'd even ask.. since DH said no more pets when BM's dog had puppies last week)
Well anyways, we made plans since SD wasn't going to be home until 8 but at 5pm, BM sent DH a text that grandma was dropping off SD at 6. He wrote back that we have plans, nobody will be home until later so if they get there, she will have to wait until someone gets home. BM started writing him nasty messages that whatever he said to SD had her crying uncontrollably (he didn't even talk to SD), then sent him a message that said "you are her father.. man up & start being a parent. Quit pawning her off on everyone else!" We ignored it & she resent it 3 times. We decided we would go get dinner, then drive the hour to grandma's house to get SD. I called grandma to tell her. She started yelling at me about us being difficult, that we made her drive all the way to my work (which coincidentally is CLOSER to where she lives than our house) and that we are ruining SD's birthday! I couldn't get a word in edgewise & ended up telling her that she can bring SD home at 8 or drop her off at school in the morning. I probably could have handled it better but after that, I didn't want to spend two hours round trip driving to go see the woman in person. She called me back calmly & told me that she would drop her off at 8 but she wanted to remind me that DH and BM had a verbal agreement that it was 9-6. Whatever! It became 9 AFTER she was late, but I didn't argue.. just said okay. Really, it doesn't matter.. the order says 2-6 and that is what we should have stuck to. So much for trying to be nice!
We (sent to both of our phones) got another text from BM at 7:30 to tell us to give her mom all SD's clothes that they have bought and that she 'expects her to be wearing the clothes she has on' when she gets her Friday. I have to admit that by this time, I was seriously getting annoyed. I guess the main thought in my mind is "this is SD's birthday and they have spent the day texting & calling us to start crap... instead of spending it with SD. And she is probably listening to all this crap!" So, yeah I was slowly getting pissed. I knew they wanted to start a tiff and we were resisting. We got home and when SD showed up, grandma again sent SD's sister to the door with her to collect the clothes. Well, that pretty much did it for me! If she wants the clothes, she should get off her ass & come to the door herself, not send a 13 year old!
I nicely asked SD's sister to wait in the car. I had SD change into her PJ's and gave those clothes back to grandma myself. I took all the clothes that belong to BM or grandma and handed them to grandma. I told her that it's inappropriate for her to send a child to the door and have a child call to arrange time/place. I told her that SHE is the grown up and needs to act like one. She started yelling at me that there was a pair of pants missing! I told her she is welcome to get out of her car & come inside to search SD's room but I gave her all we have. She said she is not coming into our house, so I said she can leave. She said she is not leaving without the pants. I told her to get the (blank) off our property! and I started walking back into the house with her yelling 'I want those pants!'
I am angry at myself for losing my cool and letting it escalate at all. Fortunately, SD was in the house and didn't hear any of it, though she's certainly going to hear 'their version' later. Whatever! I don't even care anymore.
I go back in the house & SD is crying. I thought she was upset over the incident with grandma and I felt horrible. DH tells me no, she is upset because she was supposed to go roller skating and to Sizzler with her mom. I guess after grandma picked her up, they went to breakfast at Denney's. Then they went to a motorcycle store where BM bought her a t shirt. Then she took her to the pet store & bought her the mouse. SD says BM left to go home with her BF at 4, so SD was upset that BM had left early. She thought her mom was staying until 8.
Fortunately, DH and I had agreed to not give SD her gifts until she got back. My reasoning was pretty much that I wanted to avoid a gift competition... where they ask her what we got her and try to outdo it. But, it worked out since SD was upset, she cheered up after we talked to her and gave her cards & presents to her. She went to bed in a better spirit anyways. After she was in bed, I got two more voice mails from grandma about the pants! Geez!!!
Then... if that wasn't enough drama, Grandma leaves a new voice mail on my phone first thing this morning. She says SD's sister had made her a cake and there was half a cake left over and she wanted my permission to come onto the property to bring it to me. LMAO. She wants to drive an hour each way to bring me half a cake? Is she kidding? Well, I don't want another opportunity for us to get into another yelling match over the pants or the cake. I did not call her back. She ended up going to my husband's work this afternoon and dropped off the cake (on one of her plates) with him.
Quite honestly, I've tried not to get sucked into the drama and I'm ashamed at not being successful, but c'mon~ how much do we really need to put up with? DH is pissed that they went to his work today, he doesn't want to eat the cake, nor does he want to have to deal with returning her plate to her. He doesn't even want to give it to SD, who is the ONLY person in our house who would eat it. SD had some of the birthday cake I made her Saturday, some of the cake that was dropped off, I took cupcakes to her class today and we are taking her to Sizzler tonight (she really wanted them to sing to her) and she'll get whatever dessert they give the birthday girl.