Can't stand Step-son, do I leave DH?
I have been reading many of the posts and feel everyone's pain. My DH and I have been together for 6 years and have been married going on 4 years now. He has a son that is going to be 11 in May. He had a relationship in his late teens with an older girl and got her pregnant. When she got pregnant she didn't know at first if it was his or several of his friends. He broke up with her since he found out she had cheated. He later did find out that the baby was his and was in his life for the first 2 years. After that my DH hit a very bad time in his life and during that time he stopped seeing his son.
So anyway, my DH and I meet and he tells me about his son. I have to say now that I did encourage him to at least start paying child support. I believe whole heartedly that no child asks to be brought into this world and one must take care of their responsibility. My DH at the time told me that he did not want to deal with his ex and that it would just be better to leave things as the are. He told me not to worry that he was not going to see his son until he grew up and maybe wants answers at that time. My sister is an attorney and a step-mother herself and she told us to just leave things the way they were. At the time I really thought she was kind of cold but now I understand a lot more of what she was saying.
Well last October out of the blue my DH's ex contacts him at his job and says she wants to tell their son about him. My SS did not remember my DH and had been being raised by a stepfather that he thought was his real dad. He still calls his stepfather Dad and calls my DH by his first name. He also has a half-sister whose father is my SS stepdad. Hope you got all that! Well we now see my SS every other weekend and he wants to spend time this summer here. Oh, and right now my DH and I are living at my in-laws. We had to suddenly move back here from out of state to help with my family and now we have to get back on our feet.
So the problem is that I seriously hate my SS. He is not necessarily a bad kid. I just can't stand him. Even hearing his laugh or voice just grates on my nerves. I can't believe that I feel this way because I have always loved kids. I absolutely adore my nephews and my niece and briefly majored in special education. So I am normally a very caring person. I always hated the way that my sister was towards her 2 SS but now I can kind of understand. She was never right out mean or anything but her husband just never really spent much time with his sons until they got much older.
I really don't know what to do. Part of me is very guilty for feeling the way I do but I can't help it. I don't want to be around my SS at all. DH had said that he would just stop getting him every other weekend and just go get him and hang out with him and then take him home for the night. I am fine with that. I am not saying that he can't ever see his son, I just don't want to be forced to have to be around him. If we were not living with my in-laws I would tell DH to take the kid over there for the night. My mother-in-law can not stop raving about how sweet the kid is, how handsome he is, etc. You know the grandmother stuff. That is wonderful and he needs that in his life, every child does. I just don't want to have to hear it 24/7.
I think part of my problem is that I don't have any kids myself. I have gotten to the point of accepting that I don't think I will ever have kids. My DH and I have never used BC and still have never gotten pregnant. I was in idiot in my younger days and didn't use BC with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years and never got pregnant then either. I have thyroid problems and seriously doubt that I can even have children. I am fine with that now and in fact don't even think I want any children. I love having time to myself and I have a lot of health problems and do not think that I could even manage a baby. I am sure somewhere deep down I resent the fact that my DH has a child with someone else. I see that and acknowledge it but it still doesn't make this any easier.
My DH and I just had a discussion today on our way back from dropping SS off. On the way to drop him off DH and SS were talking all about plans for the summer. Once we left SS at his home my DH could tell I was in a bad mood. He asked why and I told him because he had told me that from now on he was going to do stuff with his son on his own and not have him stay over but he had just been talking like his son was coming for the summer. I told him again that he can go spend as much time as he wants with the kid but that I don't want any part of it right now. I could change, I don't know but as of now I just want to be left alone. I know that I am being a huge brat myself and I am being selfish but I just can not stand to be around my SS anymore.
My DH asked me if I was going to leave him. I told him that I am not planning on it but that honestly I don't know. I told him that maybe it is a good idea to separate for a while. He said no that he does not want to lose me and that if it ever comes down to it he will always pick me. He asked me to make any sudden decisions and to let him to try to figure things out.
I honestly do not know what to do. I have been crying all afternoon. This is the first time that I have seriously considered a divorce. I do love my husband and know in my head that I should grow up and compromise but then I think of my SS and almost get sick to my stomach. I just can't live with the dread of seeing him every other weekend, not to mention summer and holidays. Did I mention that DH own Dad walked out on him when he was about 12. He was very abusive to my DH and my mother-in-law ended up leaving him and he just now got into contact with my DH a year ago. My DH has an amazing stepfather and my mother-in-law has SS of her own that she loves unconditionally. I know that the step parent relationship can be good. I had high hopes and even read a book about Step-parenting. I wanted to do the right thing for my SS but now I just want to run.
Any advice? Should I just cut and run now before things get worse? If I can't just suck it up and stand it then I guess I might have to do that. Will I feel bad if my DH decides to pick me over his son? I probably would but I would be happy at the same time. Isn't that sick? I feel like the world's worst person. I just don't know what to do and realize there is no easy answer. I come from a family where both of my parents are still together after 33 years. I now can see why so many kids out there are so messed up. So what would you do?