This should be interesting....

imamommyMarch 11, 2012

For those of you that follow my saga... you'll remember that SD13 has been living with us full time since she was 8 (when mom found a new boyfriend & split) and that even though mom didn't want to take her, she threw a fit anytime I did any "mom" things with her daughter. She has been a wedge keeping me from having a relationship with SD & SD has willingly complied with mommy's wish... so here we are five years later & SD would rather walk on sharp glass than have to talk to me. (of course now mommy is telling daddy how Ima needs to be nicer & do things for SD, even though she is JUST her stepmom ~blech!)

Anyway, you'll remember that after SD could no longer get BM to call daddy, yelling about whatever SD said Ima did to her that week... she cried on grandma's shoulder & grandma became nasty to me, leading to her storming off at my last party (4th of July 2011) and I haven't talked to MIL since... except a few minutes on Christmas morning in passing. So, now she only has daddy to whine to about me... and since I no longer do ANYTHING for her, he is a bit frustrated at having to do things he never had to do before. That has put a strain on our marriage. BUT, he is seeing how she manipulates, even though he continues to allow her to manipulate him... I think he just hates confrontation. I will let that be his problem.

However, he has also been vocal in wanting my son out of our house. My son is 23 and moved back "temporarily" for 3-4 months but that was 8 months ago. He hasn't done what he said he would so I agree, he needs to beld accountable. I just disagree with how my DH handled it. He had him served with eviction papers... by my BIL. (who hasn't spoken to me since the day he walked off a job that I gave him) so I was peeved for many reasons (including knowing that if BIL served it, they had discussed it with MIL, who is a busybody and doesn't need to know) So, that's the back story in a nut shell.

So, my son (DGS's father) is moving back to this area. He is not pushing to get custody right away of DGS but he seems more interested in rekindling his relationship with DIL than bonding with DGS. My sister is renting him a room (studio w/an separate entrance) at her place... and she had another room so my other son is moving into it this week... so that takes care of both sons... not living in my house anymore. To top it off, my daughter is also getting an apartment of her own soon... she is waiting for the credit check & will know by this week. (she has good credit & job history so probably not a problem) Which leaves us SD & DGS living in the home. Currently, my daughter has the large room (because she had that room well before I met DH ~ he moved into MY house) & both SD and DGS have the same size smaller rooms. Obviously, since SD can't stand me & she isn't my favorite person, I am planning to give the bigger room to DGS... he does have more stuff in his room (toy kitchen, train table, and cubby toy box that leaves very little room in his current room. (plus he is there 24/7 while SD goes to mom's on weekends & all summer) I haven't told DH my "plan" because.. well, first he doesn't yet know my son is moving out ~my son was going to move out while DH is at work this week~ but he will know in a couple of days and I'm pretty sure DH will think it's a better idea to give SD the bigger room. I can see this creating some conflict of course.

and the other big news is that DH's parents (yes, my wonderful [sarcasticly said] MIL) sold their house and are moving to another state. Yay!!! (for me) but it wasn't what SD wanted to hear... she spent 45 minutes crying in her room with DH, asking if they can move there too? I mean, it's not like SD sees them a lot and is close to them. She only sees them a few times a year but makes the most of it by telling grandma how horrible I am to her, so then MIL is nasty to me. So, SD is losing her "support" person and has been upset ever since DH told her. (attitude & slamming doors) Anyways, can you tell how mean & unsympathetic I am? Well, I do feel bad for SD because she was abandoned by her mom, now she's being abandoned by another person she looks to for being on "her side". The only one left is DH and if she has her way, he will leave me... that's what she wants anyways. (he has fed that fantasy when, two years ago, he got frustrated at me for paying more attention to DGS [this was when DGS first came to live with us & he was not in favor of raising a baby full time] and he told SD to grab an overnight bag & they left to stay with MIL/FIL. Ever since then, I imagine SD wishes he would leave me & if he did, that is where they would live since he has too much debt to get his own place.) With MIL/FIL leaving the state, it also removes that as a possibility since DH has no desire or interest in moving out of state. He's had his job for 24 years & couldn't take SD there anyway without going back to court for permission... and he said he would never take SD that far from BM.

But, I'm not giving her my daughter's room... so that may be the final test of our relationship. We'll see.

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If it is going to cause great conflict one option would be let SD have the bigger room and give DGS the 2 rooms. One for bed, clothing etc & one for the train table, toy kitchen and cubby toy box as well as any other extras he has. I imagine that would cause conflict too.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2012 at 6:57PM
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Wow. Inlaws gone, check. Sons settled for now, check. Daughter on her way to doing her own thing as an adult, check.

With the daughter, though I'm sure you're miss the ally and the help she brings to the home, be proud. I'm ready for my youngest to marry and move. I'm very proud of him, but three adults in one home wears thin...but I'm going to miss him when he goes.

As far as the room? Pfft. No way. Your house, your new empty space and h*ll would freeze before I treated somebody who 'spits' in my face to a 'new, larger' room. But I suppose I'd be a bit tactful in announcing NO. Simply justify as you did here. GS is a toddler, they have more 'stuff', need more space. Teens don't have all the big toys blah blah that kiddies do.

Giving the room to GS though still leaves you with a spare bedroom (his present one). You could consider compromising a bit with that new space. For example, maybe off season clothing and a few 'childhood' memories of SD could go into the closet for safe keeping. The room itself could be a home office for homework, a tiny den for tv and privacy, or even a toy room for GS. All kinds of possible uses. Nothing to 'fight' about. Your house, your space, can you can politely and realistically justify your decision to give the soon to be empty larger bedroom to GS. Don't make it about 'my GS vs your DD'. Simply use the very same justifications aka agruments you would if the two kids were both DH/yours bio children ...the one with the actual need, gets the room.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2012 at 7:28PM
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My exercise equipment will go into his old room... and you're right, NO WAY, NO HOW am I giving SD anything. Her goal since day 1 has been to convince DH to leave me & her cry fest a few days ago, begging DH to move out of state when his parents do... I guarantee she would have thrown a fit if he said "yeah, great idea." if it included me going too. No No, she would not want to leave her friends & her mom if meant not getting rid of me in the process.

And I'm very proud of my daughter. As much as DH wants my son to leave, his being there has helped some because he babysits on the spur of the moment, if baby wakes up in the night he tends to him. I will miss that. DH may get a lesson in making sure he thinks about what he asks for, he may get it & not like it. (which I think SD would also learn if she ever succeeded in splitting us up. DH is rather clueless & I've has to explain to him, things he should do for SD that he didn't want to or probably wouldn't do for her on his own.)

    Bookmark   March 11, 2012 at 8:29PM
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Don't give in to the young girl. Do it your way. Its your house originally and she is a pain.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2012 at 12:52PM
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DS moved out. DD got her apartment & is nearly moved out. I'm buying paint today so I can paint the room this weekend. SD has mumbled goodnight to me twice this week & that is the extent of it. It's actually been a bit emotional for me... all of MY kids have left & even though I have DGS still, I'm sad... I guess this might be what they are talking about with "empty nest" syndrome?

At least there hasn't been any talk over who gets the room. I told DH on Sunday, that when all the kids move out, I will finally have a room for my exercise equipment. Then, after he found out my daughter got her apartment, I told him that when my daughter moves out, I'm gonna move DGS's stuff to that room because I'm tired of tripping over his toys.. because his room is so small. & mentioned my bike & treadmill will go in the smaller room. He didn't say a word, but he sorta looked like he wanted to... then said, ok. He is well aware of how SD is with me so he probably figures it's pointless to argue over it? I don't know... and I don't care. It's not an issue & I'm happy to have peace.

In reading Yabbers recent post to JNM... and hearing about how bad things are there... and with me... and with pseudo... and with others... maybe it's just unrealistic to think we can ever build an unbreakable bond with someone else's child like we can our own. I don't think it is really possible anymore.

It's not that I don't think step parents and step children will always wind up like this, because I know some have GREAT relationships at all different levels of family/caring. I guess the "secret" ingredient is DESIRE. If the child (or step parent) do not DESIRE to have an unbreakable bond, then it can be as close of a relationship as they want as long as they want, but when that desire fades, the bottom line is "you're not my parent" or "you're not my kid" and either or both can walk away from it... no legal ties... no emotional ties???

I guess I'm bringing it up because it's part of why I'm sad this week. Years ago, JNM's situation gave me hope that one day, my SD would realize I care & would accept me as part of her life. I had hope for the kind of relationship she had with her SD. After a couple of years, I realized it was never going to happen. BM wasn't going to allow it... and SD didn't want it. I can, and have, blamed BM for being a wedge to me having a relationship with her daughter... but the truth is that SD has never warmed up to me (or anyone else in her dad's life) and probably never will. She is entitled to feel that way I suppose. In my opinion, it is very sad because her dad is aloof and her mom is self centered so neither of them is giving her what she wants. Nobody sees any problem, except me. Maybe I'm the problem???

Anyway, it's just discouraging to hear so many of these stories... I mean, I watched my dad treat my stepsister like (sometimes even better than) one of his own kids... took her & her family (husband & kids) to Disney for a week (he's never done that with his own kids) and paid for her to go visit her husband's family back east, was "grandpa" to her kids, etc. She would give him Birthday, Christmas & other cards "To Dad" with heartfelt messages... I will admit I was a bit jealous but we were all grown ups & he's entitled to have whatever relationship he wants. But, just before my stepmom passed away, my stepbrothers filed in court to make my dad account for their mom's assets. They were worried when she died, they would get nothing. She really had nothing. All her income (disability) was paid out to caregivers (and my dad paid a good chunk out of his pocket in addition to that) but dad had given my stepsister all my stepmom's clothes, jewlery, her Mustang (after HE paid it off) and family heirlooms (piano, china, etc) and the day before court... my stepsister was visiting my dad to ask for the only thing left belonging to her mother... the silver. My dad didn't think twice, he gave it to her. She mentioned that what her brothers were doing is BS and she wanted nothing to do with them. (one of them had molested her as a teenager) Anyway, the next morning my dad goes to the court hearing & who do you think is sitting there with the brothers... yep, stepsister. After 20 years of calling my dad "dad", going on vacations, holidays, grandkids, weddings, and caring for her mom together for 6 years, she was sitting with the brothers. My dad was served with a declaration she signed, stating she had taken care of her mother for all those years and was "woefully underpaid". She had lived in the marital home, expense free [he paid the mortgage, utilities & bought groceries], she had a vehicle (w/ins. & fuel) provided, and when she moved out... he refinanced & gave her 60K, which she used to buy a new truck & a down payment on her house. All of that was on top of giving her all of her mother's things... seriously, my dad went into a deep depression over it.

So, maybe no matter how long things are good... maybe it's just never enough. (I just needed to vent... thanks!!)

    Bookmark   March 15, 2012 at 3:47PM
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