Sense of Entitlement ~ sorta related to SF's

imamommyMarch 5, 2010

There is more than enough drama in my life with SD's BM being a bit of a nut... and with my DIL being a bigger nut... but, this is right out of left field for me...

My sister! She's gonna be 40 and raises the bar for defining dysfunctional.... maybe even bordering on mentally ill. I'm completely clueless and trying to understand where she is coming from.. maybe someone out here can shed light on what I am missing.

When my parents divorced about 28 years ago, we were allowed to choose where we wanted to live. I chose mom (to be her caretaker) and she chose dad (he had more money & worked a lot so she had more freedom). She is a year younger than me. When dad remarried, she was nasty to my stepmom... even though my dad met my stepmom through my sister because she was best friends with her daughter. (and they thought "wouldn't it be cool if your dad and my mom got married & we can be like really sisters... etc.) Once they married, my sister took on a new attitude and ended the friendship with her bestie & started a hate campaign against my SM. For the last 20+ years, she has not been much for family gatherings & rarely goes. Don't think she has ever bought a gift for anyone for any occasion... except of course her kids/spouse. Over the years, she has lived near dad & they help each other financially back & forth. (for example, dad paid her house payment for months when she had no work.. when it sold, she paid him back. When his business was slow, she loaned him to get through it and he paid her back when business picked up.)

I moved away from both of my parents with exBF and when we split up, I remained in that community until 5 years ago. Dad asked me to move here and help him start up another business. I moved here but the business fell through due to community protesting so I started my own business but stayed in this community. Then, last year dad started talking of retirement & wanted to sell his business. He does rentals... equipment and party. My sister has been a tractor operator for several years and knows the equipment side so she wanted to buy him out. She came to me and asked me to come in & buy the party side so we split the business. About that time, she personally filed for bankruptcy so getting a loan isn't going to happen for her. She wants my dad to carry the note. Meanwhile, DH & I are working on getting a loan and even with very good credit, we are finding it tough to find anyone making loans. But, my sister got angry when she heard we are trying because we have good credit & have a better chance of getting the loan... owning the business has always been her 'dream' (though I wonder if she hoped to inherit rather than buy)

She was making every day at work, for the last several months, miserable for me (since we share the same office) and all came to a head last week when she told my dad that five years ago, he changed! (that was about the time I moved here) She announced she is leaving the state and started listing her things on ebay/craigslist to show she is serious. Dad told her good luck, he thinks it's a mistake to go & try to start a new life in this economy, but he didn't tell her not to go. She's 40, married, and can do what she wants. Two days later, she blew up at him, saying that he doesn't care and she thought he would care... saying that I am the problem. She even tried to get me to engage with her by calling me names. I ignored her. She got angry, quit & walked out. The next day, she came in with our attorney. (I have a business relationship with this attorney. She represents my dad on everything and represented me, my son, & my DH on our custody case... I also do work for her through my other business.) I stood at the counter and after a couple of minutes, my sister snarled at me that I can go sit down because it is none of my concern what the attorney is discussing with my dad. (My dad is being sued because my sister did a job under my dad's license & they cannot sue my sister because she filed bankruptcy so my dad & his brother~who is also on the license~ are being sued). It was humiliating... our attorney even had to tell her to behave and leave the family stuff alone. My dad was embarrassed. This is awful....

I know it's not necessarily stepfamily related but now I can see why it would be difficult if not impossible for dad to ever get married. It made me think of the struggles that many of us stepparents go though with our Sk's to have a relationship with the parent.... perhaps, sometimes it never ends for some parents... their kids are just DEAD set to make sure nobody gets in the way of THEIR relationship with their parent... even if it's your own SISTER!

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I think there is only one solution: not to mix business, money and family. I am glad we all have completely different careers. We all get along and generally are well behaved, but if we decide to open up businesses together or combine finances or work in the same room I am pretty sure something would go wrong. I would hate spoiling our relationships over that.

If you and your sister generally are not that close I think it is bad idea working in the same office. I love my brother and we get along but if I would have to share office with him day after day, I would probably kill him. LOL

She might feel that she is closer to dad since she lived with him, you used to never see your dad, but now he favors you because you are in a better financial situation. Not to say that she is correct, she is not, but she is probably stressed over bankruptcy and maybe has personal problems plus feels jealous.

I think it is not a bad idea for her to move out of state and start a new life. It might solve everything.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 6:54PM
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This actually reminds me of my cousins situation. The kids split up in the divorce and they both have vastly different interpretations surrounding all the divorce issues, who was the worse parent, how much money was spent on them. And both of them are very vocal in all of this, but they are college age and the divorce was only 5 or so years ago. Hopefully they'll both get over it.

I guess what I'm saying is that your sister probably does have a very different view of what happened but that doesn't mean she has the right to act how she does now. And especially towards you.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 10:12PM
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FD~ My dad owns a FAMILY business. My grandparents started the business 50 years ago and my dad & uncle took over after my grandparents passed. My uncle retired and dad wants to retire. Dad has said he may just auction off the business but it's been my sister's goal forever to take over the business. (Like I said, I think she wanted to inherit, but dad is still alive) About three or four years ago, she was riding the real estate situation for all it was worth, she bought three houses & sucked as much equity out of them (to live on, buying expensive toys) and when the market dropped, she couldn't turn them as she hoped and lost two in foreclosure & she's about to lose the other. ~She is the one that took out equity to send her son to college & he flunked out. That is about the time my dad went to her and told her he is thinking of retirement & selling her the business... so she should get herself in a position to buy it. She didn't listen & lost everything.. so I get that she's angry at herself. Doesn't give her the right to be angry at me for building my credit & living more frugal than she does. In the last year, she & her husband have asked me several times to finance things for them... an ATV for her birthday; I mean, c'mon! I loaned her money to save her house from foreclosure once.. she did pay me back but I told her no to the ATV and another loan because I am now trying to get my own loan. That made her angry... it's just so irrational!

I'm just frustrated by the way she is acting. We are not teenagers.. we are adults and I guess I am shocked at how she is acting. I just never imagined a grown married woman (with grown kids) telling dad he must choose.. her or me! How would any potential relationship for my dad survive that?

As for our business arrangement, my dad & I have already discussed me finding a new location to move my store to and he may end up auctioning off the other half... especially if she does move away. Her husband is still working there & even he is puzzled by the way she is acting... he tells my dad he doesn't know what her problem is.

Just wondering if anyone else here has dealt with sibling rivalry to this extreme? Or an adult child of her age having that much of a possessive attitude toward a parent??

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 1:03AM
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I think its all a bit simpler than that. (this isn't meant to offend you or your family Ima)

She's spent years living high on the hog and has always had someone at the ready to bail her out of a tight situation.

Your dad no longer can as he is looking towards retirement (and good for him! He should enjoy life) and now you won't because you have you own life, hopes, dreams and plans. She's pissed. She's got herself into a big mess financially and has no one to rescue her. Bummer.

I think her moving away would probably be best for your family and maybe your dads only hope of having a relationship with a woman if thats what he wants without her interference. He should be enjoying life now, he's worked hard all those years.

I probably in your position would avaid her right now until she comes to her senses and gets it together. Tough spot for you & your pops but sooner or later everyone has to become responsible for themselves. Well, sounds good in theory anyway!


    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 10:56AM
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What a mess!
And I'm sorry your sister's put you into the middle of it.
To the extent possible, I'd try to stay out, and I sure as anything wouldn't want to have your sister as a business partner...
Any chance the lawsuit could hit your dad hard?

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 11:13AM
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Dad's attorney bill to defend the suit is over 20k and they aren't even at trial yet. My uncle is also a defendant and it could ruin both of them... well, maybe ruin is overstatement but they both could potentially end up in bankruptcy over it. Uncle just remarried a couple of years ago & I can just imagine how his new wife feels being sucked into a suit that really had nothing to do with them. My uncle is an engineer & allowed my sister to be on his contractor's license instead of making her get her own. She has been an operator for a long time and does great work with a tractor, but for some reason... probably financial, didn't want to take the steps to get her own license. That sure has backfired for my uncle. My sister has (supposedly) joked that they should just file bankruptcy too. Yeah, no good deed goes unpunished!

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 12:07PM
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Wow. I feel really bad for your dad!

Business and family can be soooo tough. (I do understand that this is *obviously* tough to avoid in a FAMILY business....)

I agree with Sweeby, I would try to stay out of it as much as possible.

Is there any way your dad could settle this suit? 20K in attorney's fees is a LOT...I guess it depends on how confident your dad is going to trial.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2010 at 9:16AM
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I don't have any experiences with sibling rivalry, but not because we are so great LOL Just because we stay out of each other faces or like i said never owned anything together. I suspect if we would, we would have the same problem as you do.

i think under the circumstances it is probably better for your sister to have 9 to 5 job rather than get involved in a business. she clearly is not good with money or business. I wonder why dad even asked her knowing that she is not capable. If she is tractor operator, she should find job in that field and stay out of family business.

At some point my dad and mom wanted to buy a restaurant (my mom is a chef and a restaurant manager with a lot of experience and is well known in the field)and they started hinting that maybe I and my brother should be partners or play some other role. We were both petrified of a thought sharing business with out parents LOL, luckily it never happened.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2010 at 3:06PM
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just noticed that she wanted ATV for her birthday. wow. I would ask somebody to lend me money for necessity like a car to get to work and we did help each other in the family. but ATV is hardly a necessity. I never saw ATV in real life but i assume it something young guys do off the road like racing in a free time (like snowmobiling just no snow?), I doubt it is for transportation.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2010 at 3:49PM
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yeah, an ATV is four wheeled off road toy. Some use it to drive trails or in the dirt, we ride in sand dunes. She had ATV's for her, her husband & all the kids had their own. She sold them all to pay bills/survive when she lost her other houses... she had 3 houses at one time, now she is down to one that she is about to lose.

Her husband told me that she is depressed since they sold the ATV's and he thought buying her one for her birthday would restore her, so she would not be depressed. Just MY opinion, but she may not be depressed if she stopped spending money she doesn't have rather than buy expensive toys to cheer her up... I mean those things are about $8,000.00! Not something someone NEEDS when they are about to lose their house.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2010 at 4:09PM
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