Getting on my nerves and I do not know why

byebyemindMarch 29, 2009

I feel so angery lately. My sd has just been getting on my nerves. She looks and acts just like her mother whom I despise. I try to keep the two seperate but lately I feel it is getting harder. BM plays favorites with her kids. SD plays favorites with her sibling and many times treats my child unkindly. When my child is not around she plays with her sibling and is wonderful. When my child is around she always wants to play by herslef. Yesterday my child was at a friends and I was at the grocery store with my stepkids and they were so wonderful together laughing and behaving. When my child is there they do not act like that. SD climbs back in her shell and wants to be left alone. Often I catch her ignoring my child when he even talks to her. She pretends not to hear him till I say something and then she acts innocent.

I just want to scream at her sometimes but instead I try to keep my cool and say little. I tell my dh how I feel and he just does not seem to see it.

I feel like my child is on the outside of this little group. And I find myself not liking my sd because of it. What can I do to get these feelings to go away? I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way. Being a blended family is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

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I can tell you that I have been where you are. I am a sm to 3 and a bio mom to one. My middle sd has driven me up the wall over and over again with her attitide at times with my biochild. With mine I think it is the closeness in age and the fact that one of them is a boy and one is a girl. I mentioned on another similar thread that at times I felt like my 3 skids had their own clique that my son was desperately trying to get into with little success at times.

Over time they all formed a relationship. Unfortunately if you push the relationship it will not work. You have to be patient and do things to foster the relationship without telling them they have to do stuff together! Find fun things that you can do with all the kids that way your child will get to have fun with them and they will all find some common ground.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2009 at 9:18PM
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How old is your child and your SD? And your child is a boy? I know there were times when I was a kid that little boys were just so icky and you could not pay me to be in the same room with them lol :)

I think it's pretty normal for siblings to have "favorites" amongst each other and it's probably one of the more typical aspects of blending that is so similar to nuclear families. I think it will backfire in blending if you try to force or change anything here. One of the things I thought about when I was older was that my stepmom made our step sibling relationships just that more obvious that we were steps and not as natural with the way she tried to dictate how we interact with each other.

Like, many siblings just dont get along? It's not that unusual, by forcing them to get along according to your standards (there's no abuse) it's just going to draw the lines more than blend. A different perspective is that you are showing favorites by demanding one child to change her standards for your child.

Anyway, I would just try to pick your battles. Is your SD hitting, actively verbal abusing your son? Other than that, I dont think its healthy to try to control another persons reactions.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 12:25AM
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Been where you are many times....yes, my Sd does act alot like her mom and this year it hit the fan. I do not like her mother either. She fought several times with her father and i said nothing...cause its not my business. did i feel pist...yah, i expressed my feelings to my husband and he understood but in the end its between him and his daughter. wheni had fights with my dad, my stepmom stayed out of it and i appreciated that greatly.
BUt, Sd would now say, 'i'm just like mom eh' and my Dh would say 'yah, and that's why i divorced eh'. So touche....
How old are your kids?
They do grow out of it. I know my Sd goes through phases but she does love my son. She gets jealous but its normal...she almost hurt him badly over a year ago ( smashed a door towards him in front of a 16 step stair case downwards when he was ohh...over 1 1/2 ish old..)and now its the total opposite. She very protective of him.
I think you are doing the right thing to stay silent to her and speak to her father. But int he end you cannot force a relationship.
If your son feels left out, then give him extra attention and take him out and leave the stepkids at home. And if she asks why, because i'm sure she is the one that will can say your son needs attention, and its not nice to ignore people...Either way,,,,i think watch and see and more important is your sons feelings here. How does he feel when she stays silent? And explain to him reality and let yoru Dh handle his daughter.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 8:24AM
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Organic, I dont agree with that -- whose the adult here SM or SD? As long as SD isnt proactively doing anything re her stepbrother, let it go. To either require or manipulate kids (as in, you dont get to go if you wont be nice to SB) to be friendly (as opposed to civil) will breed resentment. This can happen in intact families as well.

OP - "I feel like my child is on the outside of this little group. And I find myself not liking my sd because of it"

I think it is only natural for any mother, inlcuding OP, to be more sensitive to her own child's feelings. Add to that SD being a reminder of first wife, and it gets more difficult. I think just recognzing the feelings is a step. OP -- what are ages and sex of all children, and do the SC live with you full time or parttime.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 8:59AM
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