Confronting Bio Mom

thart01March 26, 2009

Please Help! I do not know if I have done the right thing? I mailed Bio Mom a letter today stating how I feel about her. After 13 years of constant badgering I had to get it off my chest especially after I found out she had been bad mouthing my husband and I. She is the one that has denied visitation since January and she's going around telling people we won't pick child up along with everything else that is completely false. This is a woman that we have stayed in court with over increased child support and denial of visitation. Daddy's money is good enough but Daddy's not! I am in this dilema because I have never expressed how I feel about her and I don't want it have repercussions with step daughter because she has never heard me say anything bad about her mother. I have always taken the "high road" until I have almost bust wide open!!!!

I did not degrade her in the letter, well yeah I did, I just called her out on all her antics. 1) she tries to replace Daddy with flavor of the month 2) she never tells Daddy of any extra curricular activites daughter is in, no schedules.3) DAUGHTER WAS BAPTIZED, didn't tell Daddy so he could go, we live in a small town 10 min. to church!4)denial of visitation, and all courts do is slap her wrist.


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Your human and needed to get that off your chest. That said , its not wrong..BUt you can bet your bottom dollar that this woman will use this letter against you with her daughter.
BUt you can always have a family talking afterwards. in my situation bm talks bad about now well over 8 years... and the kids have been poisoned.but we never change our attitude. When they confronted us in the past about bm and what she says, we would ask them, you think its true and they would say no...
Its bad, for the kids, its confusing and they are stuck in the middle.
The fact that she denies visitation says it all. But how old is your sd? if you have been badgered for 13 years then your sd should be in her teens and well old enough to decide if she wants to visit dad or not. Mom can't force her to come or stop coming.
And yes, our bm has different flavors too but she's slowed down now..but the kids have caught on. and so will your SD
I dont think you did the wrong thing. I think you pointed out several facts and there was no name calling in this letter. No degrading actually, just facts of what she is doing. So i dont think its wrong.
By the way, where i'm from, bm's can lose full custody if denial of visitation is done and parental alienation like your bm is doing.
i was hearing it on a family lawyer show and i was shocked to learn it.
What is the reason she has denied visitation from january? What happened in january or changed for her to 'stop' visitations??? There has to be a reason...even sd saying she just deosn't want a reason.
So what happened in january?
I'm surprised that sd said nothing about the baptism to her own dad. Usually girls are veyr close with their dads....

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 5:48PM
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SD is 13 years old. They have been divorced since she was 3 months. I met him 3 months after their divorce was final. The reason she didn't come the first weekend is because she had her first boyfriend and mom promised they could go on a date to a beauty pageant and Saturday night she could go to the movies with him. SD knows not to ask Daddy about "dating" at 13. The second weekend SD texted Daddy and said she wouldn't be coming she had a beauty pageant to attend(with boyfriend) The third weekend of being denied, no text message, not even at home when he went to pick her up.

A little on bio mom's past. She has been divorced twice for the same reason: She stole LOTS of money from husband. The last husband she forged his name on his retirement funds and received almost $50,000.00 and it was spent in 16 days.
That's why her and my husband divorced, she took out a loan against some property with a forged signature.
She has always used corruption with SD's mind. "Daddy left us" " He cared more about his money than his family"

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 5:58PM
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No, because biomom will now show the letter to daughter...and everyone else. It will be awkward for you husband and it won't accomplish anything positive. The truth is she doesn't care how you feel.

But it's done. And there's no use beating yourself up over it.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 6:10PM
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BTW--if she's been divorced 3 times and stolen money and is a POS, she's heard everything you've written in the letter already and many times.

That parental alienation thing has a nasty habit of backfiring. How it usually plays out is that the only people who engage in parental alienation are narcisstic, personality disordered people. They are fundamentally, inalienably self absored, shallow and greedy. As the child gets older, less dependent and has the natural, biological need to separate from his/her family, they become more critical of the parent--and in the case of selfish, greedy parents, there's a lot to be critical of.

At the same time, the parent begins to look at the child in a new way, as a source of value to their lives: the child might have a job and have cash, the child has the ability to run more errands and do more chores, the child can become an emotional crutch. Immature, selfish, greedy parents put a lot of pressure on their kids at a time when kids need to break away, and a lot of them put all the pieces together and run to the parent they've been told is horrible...particularly if all the child's dealings with you have been pleasant, reliable, fair.

(Of course, some children never break away and see their lives crippled under the burden of guilt, blame, shame, and manipulation from the selfish parent).

Bide your time and be decent, and there's a good chance you and DH will win in the long run.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 6:26PM
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I do not feel as if things will get any better. SD feels as if she "owes" BM. Husband could only be the Daddy the custody papers allowed him to be... half of summer, every other weekend, holidays. He could not receive anymore than what the papers allowed and sometimes that was denied. Our court system only cares if you pay child support or not everything else is hearsay and circumstantual.BM is allowing her to do what she wishes, boyfriend, talking back to Daddy or for that matter adults also. BM stated she will stand behind any decision that her daughter makes. Is that healthy? I thought you were to lead your child in the right direction and as long as she is a child which she is you should be making the informative decisions for her!
I didn't answer the batism question earlier, it was all done in one day and if BM told her she was not allowed to tell Daddy, then SD wouldn't. She had all her kids baptized that day. She has two other from a previous marriage also. BTW they did attend church before then and they haven't been back since.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 6:49PM
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I am glad to know she won't care how I feel considering the fact that me being step mom made sure she was at ALL her extracurricular activites when it was Daddy's time and he was working. BM could write down all the times she had an activity on his weekends, but for her to provide a schedule with everything was impossible!!!Me being stepmom could never say anything bad about BM, but BM could bash the whole family and that was o.k.
You know the GOOD stepmoms are soooooo underappreciated its not even funny. I have been a steady constant in SD's life which her mother could never say the same with all the suitors she has subjected her to.
But.. it's good to know my feelings are not considered.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 7:29PM
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//But.. it's good to know my feelings are not considered.//

Well, hopefully they are fully considered by your husband and your family and friends. But it's unrealistic to expect your DH's ex-wife to care when she didn't care about her own husbands' feelings when she was stealing from them. You have to be realistic, she's not going to care; and if she's a certain kind of person, she may get satisfaction out of the fact that she's got you so steamed.

Yes, good stepmoms ARE so unappreciated. But hopefully not by your husband. Doesn't he appreciate how hard you try.

You say that this all started because after 13 years of badgering, you just found out that she's been badmouthing you and DH. Well, that's not very pleasant, it's down right rude, are badmouthing her as well. She's a neglient, selfish, trampy mom, per you.

How much does it really matter? Who's she talking to and how does it effect your life? Part of growing up is realizing that no matter how nice you are, how much you do, how hard you try, there are going to be people who really don't like you and will criticize. It's their problem. Did you know there are a number of people who have some pretty nasty things to say about Mother Teresa? Even Jesus himself was horribly reviled. You are in good company.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic, I am. My DH's ex calls up child abusers; calls my kids the 'stepbrats'; claims I stole her husband (didn't meet DH until 3 years after her divorce, lived 1200 miles away), her children (she lost custody and got herself supervised visitation two years before I knew of DH's existence), her house (actually altho she uses our address on her license, she never lived here and it's MY house), everything she ever had (huh, it always gets dumpstered when she's evicted), ruined her reputation in California (never been there, we live in FL), took her nursing license away (nope, has nothing to do with the missing drugs from the hospital she worked at), blah, and blah, and blah...

But what does it matter. I made it VERY clear to my husband she is to call him at work or on his cell; after she left a series of VM's and screaming phonecalls calling me a whore and my kids stepbrats, I informed, not asked him, but informed him that if she called the house, I'd hang up on her.

I've hung up on her without a word, before she could get 3 words out, probably over a hundred times. She did finally stop calling. She's not allowed at our house, I will not facilitate any of her rare visitations, I don't talk to her, I don't see her, I don't deal with her.

You can't change her to make her appreciative or to make her a cooperative ex or to make her a good mother. But you can change yourself so you gain distance and disengage.

Why do you care that she has lots of boyfriends? (I know you are going to say because it effects stepD). Why do you care what she does while stepD is with you? Why do you need or expect her gratitude?

I know there are hundreds of ways for her to harass you and DH and play games. I know what an aggravation and expense she's been. But disengaging from her and her antics profits you. You need to build a nice thick bullet proof acrylic wall between your life and hers, like those at banks. Let her go to live her messed up life. Let her go so you can live yours unmolested.

And you are very, very right: good stepmothers (and stepfathers) are not recognized or much appreciated. I'm glad you are a good stepmom, despite what stepdaughter officially recognizes, she does know it, and your efforts have made her world a better place, and because her life was better because of your good heart and generous spirit, the whole world is a bit better.

Think of it this way. StepD might never, ever realize how much she got from you and how good you were to her, but when she mothers her own children, the only good mothering she knows will be an inheritance from you. And the investment you made in one girl, which might not have shown immediate fruit, will pay off perhaps in two or three stepgrandchildren.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 8:30PM
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This is not the first time she has bad mouthed me, this time I just called her out on it.Really am I bad mouthing her?Or stating the facts? I'm not looking for her approval, I just want her to know we know the game she is playing, and yes it probably serves no purpose at all, but sometimes people should be called out for their antics.
Thanks for your opinions, we all have them and they are all very different. Some people just decide to take a different route than others. My route of not ever saying anything didn't work. No I will not turn a deaf ear to her. If she has something to say about either me or my husband she needs to confront us, not tell others.

I can't imagine the thought of it not bothering a PARENT and BIO one at that about how many men/women has been in and out of a child's life. Do you not think that effects the child, especially later on in life when they are trying to build relationships with the opposite sex?

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 9:16AM
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//My route of not ever saying anything didn't work.//

You couldn't stop her from talking trash about you by ignoring it. My guess is you won't be able to stop her from talking trash about you by confronting her either.

But look what you are doing: you are trying to change her behavior; you are trying to get her to stop talking badly about you. You want her to talk to you about her problems with you, not to others. You want her to behave differently.

You are absolutely going to fail. She will not change. And you are going to increase your own frustration by trying. So maybe rethink this problem from another angle, for YOUR peace of mind.

Why do you care if she says bad things about you? Who is she talking to? Who is believing her? Do you really think people don't consider the source? Do you think you are the only one she trashes? Do you really think people take her word as gospel? Does what she say actually affect your life much? Will some people believe her? Of course, but not many.

Even if she wasn't around to stir up trouble there'd still be people who think you are the pits. Some people just always believe the worst of people, and some just dislike others for irrational reasons of their own. If she's not saying bad things about you, someone else is (and it's not personal, it's just something that happens to everyone). The difference is, you know she's talking badly about you.

I think a more positive approach is to figure out why it bothers you so much that she's doing this, and address those issues, if possible. She's not going to stop talking about you, so learn to take it in stride. Is it fair? Nope. But it's something you--and I have to deal with.

Do you talk badly about her? Of course you do. We here at GW all have a negative impression of her--and we got it solely through what you've told us. Big deal. If you've read what I've written about my DH's ex, you'd also have a bad impression of her. It doesn't matter if it's true or not; I'm sure it is, but it's a summary of a complex life. My DH's ex is a mess by the strict true facts, and yet you can use those same strict true facts and draw a sympathetic portrait of her.

How do you know this woman is talking badly about you? Can you shut off the source of info? Can you put it in perspective, remind yourself that she's a miserable mess and you are pretty much happy and together (don't let her make you a miserable mess as well).

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 10:29AM
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"I am absolutely going to fail" Maybe you don't understand my situation fully.I'm not trying to pass or fail, just get my point across and explain myself. You know after reading all your posts, I can't understand your take. I am a person that prides my self with living a honest, law abiding, moral, of character person. Maybe you can take bad mouthing, but I'm fed up!
Am I talking bad about her? AGAIN... I stated the facts are the facts bad? Your judge of character leaves room for doubt in my opinion.But... like I say we all have them!
How I know this woman is bad mouthing me? She bad mouthed us to a family member. And... yes they do consider the source and put her in her place.
I am so proud that you can defend her because that let's me see how she persuades others. This woman has not only affected the lives of her ex husbands, but.. their families and children involved.
BTW, let me clear one thing up with you I don not go around bad mouthing her. This is the first time I have EVER stated anything about her to anyone other than my husband and family. Clearly I came to get help and clarification from GW and all I have received from you is controversy, so I apologize and from now on I will keep this between my family and I.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 12:10PM
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Well, good luck at trying to get her to stop behaving in ways you don't like and getting her to understand your point of veiw.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 1:04PM
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bucyn was right. I agree with you in that nobody should have to put up with the bad behaviour of another, and I totally understand venting, but that is where you write the letter then shred it. It gets out but it doesn't get out, if you know what I mean.

Look at it this way - did you expect the bm to have an epiphany at your eloquent words that ring so true? I'm not trying to be sarcastic but you get what I mean. If the courts have failed, undoubtably this will too.

Unfortunately she's already involved the daughter as a pawn and this may make it worse. It's true you can't undo it, but this is why putting things into writing is so dangerous, they can come back to haunt you.

What's done is done. Taking the high road was the right thing, and this can serve as a reminder to do so again.

I have some experience of all of this, with my ex. Whenever I bit back, it backfired, however, her dad and I met to sort out some financial matters, and we had a coffee and I found out some untruths she had been spreading around. I was able to calmly and rationally dispel them. That's about as good as you can hope for. Ex-FIL knows what his daughter is like, I actually don't think her family likes her very much. Still, she has to live with herself 24/7. Over the years I have learned to let it go. I have a much better life now, I miss my girls terribly and am still estranged from the youngest who sided with mum all the way.

The eldest on the other hand, did eventually see what is going on, you know the expression "the best revenge is living well?" It's very true. She was able to observe me with my new life partner/wife/love of my life, and note the differences - "hmm dad seems ok here, she likes him and he doesn't seem to be any of the things mum says he is" - so she figured it out.

Not playing the others game and taking the high road and NEVER badmouthing the other parent is all you can do. It should work eventually.

I know it's hard, but just keep your chin up.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2009 at 3:44PM
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Hi pjb999,
You know what damage is done is done. I stated facts in the letter and if the truth hurts, so be it. If she decides to tell my SD about the letter, I've accepted that also. My Sd has only heard constant complaining from her mother about her father and I. This is the ONE time I decided to voice my opinion and if it backfires I will deal with it. Have you ever considered maybe SD should know two sides of the story instead of one? Maybe all this time Dad and I have kept our mouths shut it only hurt us. I feel that we made Mom look like a saint all these years and she never has done any wrong by us not speaking up. BTW, my chin is up because whether or not I did the right thing by sending the letter, I don't feel as if I have done the right thing by not ever speaking out. MY SD knows I have been more than great to her and there will never be a doubt in her mind that her Dad and I love her no matter what.
There is nothing in the letter she could ever use against me, I only documented things that had occurred on different occassions that was strictly facts that had been documented by police reports.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2009 at 10:23AM
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