Hello all...I need help. DH and I are a blended family, his, mine, and ours. We have SD10, my bio-son 9, my bio-daughter 8, and our DD3. We have full custody of SD10 and I have adopted her and we have no BM drama, thankfully. However, we have in-law drama, my husband's parents. Before our marriage, my hubby lived with his parents then moved into his own home. When he moved, he was working a job that was 4 days on, 4 days off, 12 hour shifts, one month of days, one month of nights. When DH worked, SD would stay those days (and nights) at Grandma's. We got counseling for the adjustment period and that has been 4 years. Things have gone somewhat smoothly, with the exception of my in-laws.
The preferential treatment of SD is extraordinary. My two bio-kids visit their dad every other weekend. They also consider my in-laws their grandparents and ask to see them regularly. But my in-laws only come around on the weekends they are gone to ask if they can have SD for the day. They exclude our younger daughter, don't ask her to come. Two weeks ago when SD went, I had plans to go to the park with the two children, but SD was out with DH where they met up with the in-laws. They asked for her, and he let her go, no phone call to me and no invitation for my other daughter. Upon SD's return home, she began a campaign to run away to their house. The relationship they have is on the unhealthy side. They have 6 grandchildren, but have a room especially for SD, painted pink and no one can sleep there except her. She and they refer to this as "her room", even though she has a room here at home. They keep clothing there just for her, and "her" toys. She goes to a different school than the other children, and they constantly go to her school's website to check out events there and decide if they are going to attend, without checking with us first and without going to the other school's website. The three older children all have email addresses, but Grandma only corresponds with SD. SD is very emotionally immature--when I got her at 4/5, she was unable to bathe herself, she had never done it, she couldn't tie her shoes, and she couldn't eat with a fork. We have come a long way with her. It seems like when she is around Grandma, she has to re-adjust to things at home and almost has to be "re-programmed". She is not social and has no friends, and when she is around grandma, this is even worse. All she does is sit in Grandma's lap and gets petted, even while the other children are running around, playing, and having fun.
DD3 will be able to understand soon that she is not included, as the other children are now aware of. It makes me very sad, as my family would never do that. I understand that there is a fine line between fairness and legalism, but this just feels wrong. Please help as I am tired of being mad every other weekend. Thanks.