Boyfriends daughter seems to be driving us apart

jcp8452March 9, 2010

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about a year now. Everything seems like it couldnÂt get better - I just feel that I might have a jealousy problem / fear of what the future holds in concern with his 1 ½ yr old daughter. He talks to the mom for the mere purpose of being civil with one another. He had to fight for visitation rights and paternity test (she didnÂt want him to be a part of her life). He works long hours and is only able to see her one a weekend. There are multiple issues that concern me and would love any feedback - I am new to all of this:

The reason why he only has her once a weekend (for 8 hrs), is bc she wont sleep in a crib. The mom is severe bi-polar, doesnÂt work, and has never even attempted to put her in a crib. We have tried and it is honestly impossible, and the mom refuses to change anything. On that same page, when we do have her on the weekend she usually will fall asleep with him, but within that time I literally feel as if I cant move in fear of making noise and waking her up. I can understand that this is not his fault, as it is probably a result of the moms parenting, but at a 1 ½ I feel like something needs to change sometime. I basically feel like im walking on eggshells for the 8 hour period that we have her.

Another concern that I believe someone else posted, which I guess I really didnÂt even think about, is the fact that I did want my first born to be my husbands as well. Its hard to digest that he basically already has a family. I am supportive of him and his daughter, but it has been about 8 months since I have started seeing her and she is still not used to me (boyfriend will leave the room for 5 min and she will throw a fit). I feel like I am not in the position to give my advice. It is just very hard for me to see them together - I cant help but wonder if I will ever have kids with him. We always say that we will once we are financially stable (I am a recent college grad going back to get my masters and he works for a trucking company and is paying a lot of money in child support and heath insurance for his daughter) but I wonder to myself, will we ever be if he continues to have to pay an arm and leg.

I would love any feed back that you might have.

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Of course she's going to throw a fit if her father is out of the room;
she's an 18-month-old baby.

Babies don't realize that if you leave the room, you're just out of the room;
for all they know, you're *gone*.

& babies' memories are short;
I doubt that she remembers you from one week-end to the next, so every time he leaves her with you, she thinks he's *gone*, & she's been left with a stranger.

In fact, it'll get worse before it gets better;
at around age 2, children become aware of themselves.
They literally become "self-conscious", & even babies who were gregarious become stranger-shy.

If 8 hours a week-end makes you unhappy,
& if you're hung up on your firstborn being your husband's firstborn,
& if child support makes you as waspish as it sounds like it does,
I'd say cut bait;

The 8 hours a week-end will increase,
the financial support will increase,
(sounds like the child's mother cannot work, & children just cost more as they grow),
& no baby that you bear will be this guy's "first".

Another thing to think about is that, should her mother's condition deteriorate, the little one may come to live with her dad.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2010 at 5:38PM
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"The mom is severe bi-polar, doesnÂt work, and has never even attempted to put her in a crib."

Do you want to try to co-parent with a woman who is severely mentally ill? If she really is bi-polar, that's serious business. If she's merely a drama-queen, that's bad enough... (Ever had a toxic person in your life?)

Do you want to help raise a child whose primary parent doesn't have a job and will therefore push for every penny of child support she can get? A parent who is likely to not have health insurance? To be able to pay for day care, school activities and other extras? To never be able to afford a nice place in a good neighborhood with good schools and nice kids? (Sure, it might not turn out that way -- but what do you think?)

Do you want to be the stepmother of a child whose mother doesn't want the father to have any meaningful role in his daughter's life? And just how meaningful a role do you think BioMom wants you to have? And how far do you think she will go to keep your role minimal?

Do you really want to spend your life dealing with the behavior problems stemming from a child raised by a mother with questionable judgement? I know it's too soon to tell for sure, but what do you think? I haven't bothered to look for proof, but I suspect most bad parents raise difficult children.

I'm sure you've heard all of the lines about how when you sleep with someone, you are also exposing yourself to everyone he/she has ever been with. Well, marrying a man with a child is like that. I imagine you've made the connection that the man and his daughter are a 'package deal'. Please also realize that this package deal also comes bundled with a crazy BioMom -- you get her too.

Is this really the best you can do for your future?

    Bookmark   March 9, 2010 at 7:14PM
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I am having a similar problem. I too feel like I walk on eggshells when my partners son is around. He is 5. The world stops when he enters the house. They play from the time he comes in till he goes to bed at whatever time. And most of the time my partner sleeps in the bed with him. Its getting really old. Plus there is constant communication with the ex, which I feel is really excessive. They talk and text all the time. I recently found the phone records and couldnt believe my eyes. Plus he believes the sone can do no wrong. Of course any parent I guess thinks that. He continues to get in trouble in school. Its hard....good luck

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 3:58PM
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