My Stepmother is a NUT

silverswordMarch 31, 2010

DD is out of town, visiting Dad and a lot of other relatives. Yesterday her freaking grandma says she'll be by to pick my DD up at 12pm. Doesn't show, doesn't call until 4pm. Yep. It's the old: Kid sitting on the front doorstep because "Grandma/dad/mom/someone who loves me will be here any minute because THEY SAID THEY WOULD" waste of time afternoon. Brings her back 2 hours later. Says she made food, but not for DD, it was for her dinner party, but she gave DD a piece of steak anyway. She's 8, not 18. How much food/energy does it take to feed an 8 year old if they're hungry?

I could crawl across the desert to skin the woman alive right now. Especially because I just hosted McNasty McQueen her royal highness herself for a week (three weeks ago) went completely out of my way for her... getting her special food, special bedding, special activities, special-just-to-her-schedule-but-messes-up-everyone-elses-life-because-she-is-the-most-insensitive-selfish--and-it-has-to-be-my-way-or-I'm-throwing-a-fit accommodations.

What a piece of work.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

At some point, you can say, "That was the last straw."

I think your moment has arrived!

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 5:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Left her grandchild on the porch? Be done!

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 6:22PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I learned a long time ago, when my son sat there ready & waiting for his father to show up for over an hour... then got the call saying he had no gas & wasn't gonna make it. (like he couldn't call BEFORE the expected time!) and I have never allowed a child to "wait". Have them clean & dressed and say "lets color & draw for a while until [whoever] gets here." Waiting & watching only makes the time go slower and the longer they are late, anxiety/anger/frustration build up (yours & his) and that will only upset the kid more.

I feel your pain... lots of nuts in my life.

DIL~ supposed to get her son (DGS) from 10-5 each day... she will show up whenever, sometimes at noon, 1:30 and then brings him back to me at 3 or 4... when she decides she wants to go do something else or the baby 'bugs' her.

BM~ won't even exert the energy to come get her child. and when SD is there, schleps her off on anyone else.... but now she has a brand new baby to focus on. THIS time she will be a good mommy, I'm sure of it!

MIL~ Hmm, she does help with watching SD when school is out & we have to work. BUT, she feeds SD frozen yogurt sundae for lunch and then tells her she needs to lose weight. She tells us how SD11 needs to learn to do things for herself & then tells her to ask daddy to cut up her meat. She says she's concerned about SD being boy crazy & then takes her shopping & buys her tight jeans we won't buy her & just got her a padded bra that makes her look more developed than she is.

Not trying to minimize your feelings but I would trade your crazy SM for any one of the crazy's in my life....

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 7:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My best friend's dad was like that. Always saying he would show up but he would either be way late or just not show. So her mom stopped telling her when he was going to come so she wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't show. And that way she was excited and surprised when he did show up.

It worked pretty good until she got to be a teen and then she usually had plans so she wanted notice if he was going to pop up.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 9:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

IMA, no offense, but I wouldn't trade mine either. You have it way worse off than I do in the NUT department. Worst thing is that I wasn't there, so I'm getting the story filtered through my dippy X, so who knows what's really true...??

I'm sure she wasn't on the porch waiting, but that's the mental picture I get. I can remember W A I T I N G for people who said they'd come get me for fun things, and them not showing... and how I felt as a kid. It burns me up to think my DD is going through something similar.

Honestly, it was the "I cooked for other people, she was hungry, but the food wasn't for her, but I fed her scraps anyway" that really got to me. SCREW those other dinner party people. Kids are dependent on you. They need to be fed. (burn burn burning up!!!)

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 11:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well, who would expect that an eight year old, who had been sitting around waiting for Grandma to show up since noon, might start getting hungry by five or six? Especially since she was apparently smelling steak cooking during that time? I mean, I'da never thunk it myself!

It really burns me when people act as if they've done some spectacular thing (I fed my grand-daughter scraps! Wow!) when most people would treat a strange child that way. I'm sure almost everyone here has had the unexpected child at mealtime more than once! And fed them without complaint, comment, or any expectation of praise, because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2010 at 12:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I wouldn't take it too seriously. You don't know what really happened and how much dad exaggerated. If DD herself complained about waiting all alone and then lack of food I would take it seriously.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2010 at 1:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

FD, she didn't wait alone, and she got fed. HELLO? Do you even read what I post?

"...Kid sitting on the front doorstep...waste of time afternoon....Says she ... gave DD a piece of steak."

She didn't sit on the doorstep for four hours. And she was fed. And, I know that this was filtered through Dad and he's often not 100% accurate, and does not see things 100% the same as me quite often. I know, because I already said all that stuff.

That said: I believe him, because I could hear WBSM in the background spluttering and steaming (she was the one home with DD, not him) and this is SM's mode of operation. If the shoe fits and all. I'm obviously not going to go flying off the handle, and Dad is handling talking to her.

I'm just venting. But yes, I'm taking it serious. It's my kid. It's her feelings. That's serious to me.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2010 at 2:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You have to deal with a child's other parent. Sometimes your stuck waiting around for them and dealing with their bs...all in the name of court orders and parenting plans. But with a grandparent there is no piece of paper that gives them rights. If they are blowing their grandchild off a lot and treating them poorly then just don't put the child in that situation again.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2010 at 10:53AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

True. It's a little harder when I'm not there, I'm 3,000 miles away and I'm not the one who is encountering this first hand. It's all filtered through my ex-husband.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2010 at 12:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

FD, she didn't wait alone, and she got fed. HELLO? Do you even read what I post?

I know she got fed and did not wait alone (I hope ex is not that crazy), that's why i said I would only start worrying if she complained to you that she waited alone and was hungry.

i know it could be frustrating and upsetting to know that your child sits there and waits but there is nothing you could do. If she would be on your watch, then you could interfere by let's say calling SM and asking not to traumatize your child or even not send her to SM if it is traumatic.

But she on her dad's watch, she is under his care, so there is very little you could do even if SM is your family not his. If people causing trauma to your child then why is ex allowing it? DD is with him, not with you. Maybe he needs to allow SM to visit at his house but not take DD anywhere if it is traumatic.

I see a problem here with ex bothering you about it, you are far away and you have no control what is going on with your child and you would clearly become upset. Why even telling you that? To upset you? To cause drama? To cause conflict between you and SM? What's his agenda? He knows you cannot interfere and would become upset. is that why he felt he had to tell you?

yes you are 3000 miles away but Dd is under dad's care. his job is to protect his child. he has rights to tell Sm how he wants things to be when DD is in his house.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2010 at 12:57PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Exactly FD. DD is under Dad's care. I really have very little that I can or will do. That's what's frustrating about this.

He's telling me because he needs support in telling her to get lost. I actually think it's fabulous and generous that he is even sharing our child's time with my parents at all. He paid the ticket, it's his kid. He doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to. Then he does share and... well... you see what he gets.

I don't know why he told me, but we do tell one another how the members in our respective families treat our DD. When she is here and his family comes nearby enough to visit, I arrange the visit with them and then I tell him how it went. We communicate like that. I am fortunate enough in our relationship that we are both very much on the same page regarding our DD forming her own relationships with her family members without us.

So, yes, he's calling for support. Yes, it's his responsibility. But with most things regarding families it's not cut and dried, just tell SM. Because Grandfather is also involved. And my family is big on "communicating", which means, to them, using their lingo. So I help X get clear on exactly what he wants to say, rather than blaming SM for being a jerk and insensitive, stating it in "I'm feeling" rather than "your behavior" terms.

I can't do anything other than support him, and tell him I am on his side and I agree with him. And complain here. LOL.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2010 at 1:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

seems that grandma/SM is not that interested in seeing DD judging by grandma's behavior, maybe she felt obligated to see her. she only took her for 2 hours, seems not worth it. some grandparents are just not that close. i find it awfully sad but unfortunately that's what happens in some families. I think if grandparents don't feel like it, they shouldn't even bother picking up their grand-kids.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 12:09AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No obligation to see her. DD has TONS of family/friends to see there, who want to see her and who she wants to see. Smom's just a selfish person. DD is a fancy "accessory" for her. She is infamous for "taking" her when DD will make her look good and dumping her off when no one will be there to see what a great grandma she is and how cute her sgdaughter is...

It's all instigated by SG'ma (contact, that is). From what X says, DD doesn't particularly want to go with her anymore. And, now that she's old enough to actually say "no" she won't have to go... Sad on all counts.

Gpa really loves and cares for DD, so it makes it a little weird, how to have them have quality time without subjecting DD to her weirdness. And how to get that across to Gpa in a good way. I'm encouraging X to talk with both of them to work it out. Hard to be far away...

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 12:51AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

it is not easy but learn to detach when your kid is with dad. don't micromanage her time at dads (not like you micromanage).

if she only sees dad on rare occasion, it needs to be 100% his time, not like other family members cannot see her, but it should be decided by him at his convenience. it should not be monitored by you.

i am not saying you are monitoring, but I am speaking from experience, DD is 22 and I am divorced since she was 4, been there, done that. Took some effort...Ex is an adult, so are your parents, everyone can manage.

use this time to your advantage by doing things you cannot do when kid is at home. take vacation with girlfriends or have wild parties.

PS when i first got divorced I wanted to know what DD was doing every moment when at dads. LOL Took me some time to figure out how annoying it was for everyone else (even if they didn't show it and pretended to enjoy my interference hahaha).

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 1:16AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

FD, I am the least interfering mother you would ever meet. I know I come off as uptight, but really I'm not so much. I don't call while she's there, literally last summer we talked on the phone maybe two-three times, and that was because X called me for whatever reason. I've talked to her twice since she's been there, but she's been sick... and both times it was because X called me to update me on her status. And, a lot of the drama in the past day has circled around that drama. Yes... there's more. DD had to go to the doctor, Gpa was supposed to take her but delegated to Smom, who gave totally conflicting info to X and I, and then said she couldn't fill the prescription because she "didn't have the money". LOL x a million. We have insurance, the doctor is 2 blocks from her house, and she lives off my dad's money. That was pretty much the last straw for me.

I know the interfering mother. She's my DH's ExW. She calls 4-5x a day "what are you doing... now what are you doing... and now what are you doing...". It's crazy-making!! Let the kid make her own time. She loves you. She knows you're her mom. Now butt the heck out and let her have her own experiences!!

X... well, he's an adult, yes. In most aspects. While he means well, and is a good father, he is really bad at interpersonal communications. I've told him that I support his stance on my family, and that if they don't listen I will step in. But, I'm not there, I didn't experience it first hand so I'm not the front-fighter, he is... but I'm not going to stand by if it continues either... and here we are. The behavior has continued, and it's not ok. And Smom is not an adult. She is the biggest princess you'd ever meet. AND, X had some work contracts that came up suddenly during this time, so he's gone most of the day, unfortunatly, so she has to stay with either WBSM or Gpa/Sgma or or or.

HAHAHAHAHAHA on the wild parties. I haven't had a party in ages, and have no desire to go anywhere. I skipped the gym and I've been in my jammies all day (ALL DAY!!!) and am enjoying Pretty Woman on TV and a nice glass of vodka and fresh orange juice. I had popcorn for dinner. I'm slumming it. :)

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 2:42AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I was joking about the parties. Popcorn sounds good any time. Sounds like party to me. I watched Broken Embraces last night, it was my party. haha

I think that what DH's ex is doing sounds crazy, but I suspect it is not intentional. It might not occur to her that it is crazy. She is primary caregiver. 4-5 times a day is sick but I called a lot when Dd was at ex.

heck my ex calls a lot. DD does not live with neither one of us, she sees dad more often due to her college being closer to him. But when DD visits me, ex calls us all the time. I know how often he calls DD in college, maybe twice a week, when she visits me for a break he calls way more than that. Who knows why. he wants to know what we are doing and where are going etc I know it is not malicious.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 8:39AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think it's different when the child will be there for a week or a month or two months. If you don't trust the person you are sending your child to, don't send them. Once a day is fine.

But she's uber-controlling and really has kept the child in a state of "I can't do it without help" dependence. Kind of sad. We finally had to turn the phone off last time because it was ruining the trip. Every time we'd sit down to dinner or start to do something there would be a 1/2 hour call. Not appropriate. Then the kid would come back in a funky mood. I find it manipulative.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 12:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

yes, what you described sounds crazy. once a day might be even too much. disrupts the routine.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2010 at 7:26AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Agree, but at night before bed, I think is perfectly reasonable to want to talk with DD/DS or for kid to want to talk to mom. I don't with DD because it's my want/need rather than hers. And I think it's the sign of an emotionally healthy child that she doesn't need to call Mommy before she goes to sleep. She feels safe. That's what makes me feel good.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2010 at 10:28AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Venting and disengaging
Since the horrible experience of my step daughter's...
Can I handle becoming a stepmom one day?
I just turned 36 earlier this month. My boyfriend and...
Marrying Widower with Adult Children
Somebody help me, please! I am about to marry a widower...
Too much?? advice please
Hi. I am a Mum of 2- one being a step child, I am 27...
His ex controls the situation through the kids
I have been dating my BF for over 3 years now and his...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™