Divorce Now days

nikemamaMarch 3, 2009

Have you guys been seeing this crap where these people are trying to be divorced and live under the same roof. My DH said that was crazy. That if they are in the same HH then they are still sleeping together. My DH said something about the three months when he was still under the same roof with his EX while they completed the divorce and still having IT! I was FLOORED! By the time I got divorced I would have rather cut off my right arm then sleep with my EX. While he says it is "just for the kids" he keeps a friendship with his Ex. He went in her house, the house he shared with her, to see the new family room. I have never stepped foot inside my EX's house. I don't know which is better but It left me feeling hurt and upset the conversation not the tour (I saw it too, it's nice.) Even knowing he was divorced over 2 years when we went on our first date. I wonder is it just me or has that effected any of you also

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I dunno. I would probably go inside my ex's house (the one I shared with him and he insisted upon keeping) but would not have him in mine. Also, I would never have had sex with him once I initiated divorce proceedings. As you were, I would be upset about the conversation too. It's a normal feeling, I think.

My DH gets a little miffed sometimes that I am having cordial conversations with my ex before or after his conversations with our DD.

I think men are funny. they don't realize sometimes what they are saying can be hurtful to us. I finally realized this the other day, my DH said something about my ex, and I said, honey, that's one thing he wasn't lacking... my DH got really uncomfortable and weird about it. Sooo... sometimes what's good for the gander... is good for the goose. I've heard little stories about his sexuality through the years, so I dished a bit back at him. Not in a spiteful way, I was very nice about it, but very up-front.

ahem. I think he got where I was coming from. :)

    Bookmark   March 3, 2009 at 4:35PM
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all right. here goes. I would also cut my arm rather than sleeping wiht X at any point during separation, divorce or after divorce. inapprorpiate...gross...

as about going to each other houses. we remained friends. not only we went to each other houses, but we stayed in each other houses visiting. i know...sounds weird to some people. i visited hometown last summer and stayed in Ex's and his wife's house for a week. well DD was there too. X stayed in my house on multiple occassions. i am not remarried. We have been divorced for 17 years, have no feelings or interests in each other.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2009 at 4:46PM
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I have to seriously question their own selfishness if they are still sleeping together when they are getting a divorce. A divorce is such a serious decision with serious consequences to yourselves and your children. If you are able to put aside feelings enough to roll around in the sack then I can only assume its selfishness to want to throw out your marriage and disrupt your childrens lives. What exactly is so wrong with the marriage? Granted sex isnt the only thing or even the main thing about marriage... but it is just such a personal and (for me at least and I think most women) and emotional thing that how can things be so bad that you dont want to be together but want to screw each other. I could be slightly more understanding if there are no children involved but again... if you are at the point of divorce .. shouldnt those feelings be eternally and finally gone? Why arent you going to counseling to make things work then? ... my theory your own selfish need for satisfaction... or my guess would be for a lot of women a desperate attempt to get the guy back. And he is just dumb and blind not to see it... and even more selfish if he does and continues to sleep with her anyways.

(Not saying this is OP's DH's circumstance ... just my overall opinion on the subject)

    Bookmark   March 3, 2009 at 6:13PM
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As for the sleeping under the same roof I can understand that. For a while I had moved over an hour away from my ex. He wanted to keep his one night during the week visitation in addition to his EOW. So I offered to let him sleep on my couch on the weeknight visitation because he worked in between my home and his. So most times he spent one night a week sleeping in my sons room or on my couch.

When he bought his first home after we split up I was there many times. His girlfriend invited me to birthday parties for my ex and things like that. I went to some. When I was single and bought my first home I had him come take a look at it before I bought it to see if there were any problems with it. He helped me on moving day. He helped me paint. He helped me replace flooring.

Now that I am married I have my husband for things like that and would not need my ex's help.

As for flopping around in the sack----NEVER after we split up did that happen again!

    Bookmark   March 3, 2009 at 7:05PM
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I guess that makes sense if you piece things that everyone here has said. Sorry if I grossed you out, cutting off my arm. In an abussive relationship you get the kill or be killed feeling the emotions are very raw. If I was with my Ex it wouldn't be because I wanted to be there and police would be involved.

My DH caught his ex with another man so He loved her up until he found out and would have done anything to keep his family intact but that. Maybe he still loved her just couldn't live with what she did. I guess it has to do with the reasons you stay or don't stay. Able to be friendly or not has a lot to do with the facts of the matter.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 3:26PM
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I remained in the ex's house for six months after I told her I was leaving, because we just didn't have the money for me to have a place. It wasn't ideal and we had not been near each other for some time anyway so the physical thing was not an issue and I had no desire AT all in that regard.

I wish we actually had a more cordial relationship though for the benefit of the kids, we actually do a little more so but it was awkward and strained and the ex undermined me a lot. It really puts the kids on the spot.

Provided it's not 'weird' being able to be friends/cordial with the ex is a good thing, overall. Much better than the alternative.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 3:27PM
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I think there is a direct correlation between financial upward mobility and the divorce rate in a country. When you have financial freedom, or at least enough money to do what you want, you have options. (I am not saying this is good or bad, but it just is.) I have lived and worked in other countries that were considered developing countries, and I think if many of those couples did not live in multi-generational family situations and had money of their own, they would have ended some of those unhappy marriages long ago. Point being that this is a tough economy and divorce can be financially devastating even in a good economy. If a married couple comes to the place where they realize they must divorce, those proceedings can be complicated by things like sale of a house that they now owe more money on than is worth. Maybe in some situations people take their time moving on because the separation is a difficult process but I think in a lot of cases these days it is financial, and those people who have already faced the demise of their marriage but are forced to reside in the same household the way they were before are probably the most unhappy people you would know.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 4:07PM
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There was a news story last week (in my local area) about how divorce is down. Usually, in a bad economy couples might fight more over money, there's more stress, etc. and divorce rates go up.... however, it has gotten so bad that as norcalgirl says, people are upside down on their mortgages, not many homes are selling... or there are far too many homes on the market (at least in my area) and it would be a nightmare. On top of that, in a financially crunched situation where couples are scraping by, who has money to rent or buy a new home/apt? Then they are running two households and someone would end up paying child support.

In my opinion, divorce should be the last result unless there is abuse of some sort (physical, emotional or substance, etc.) My personal belief is that too many people don't take their marriage vows seriously and it's far to easy to walk away when they "aren't happy" or "grown apart". I know I'll probably get flack for that statement but it's true. I get depressed if I spend five minutes at the marriage forum... I want to scream REMEMBER YOUR VOWS! But, only one side of the marriage is posting and I know it takes two to make it work.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 5:00PM
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Exactly. I understand your sentiment but what works for you does not work for others. As you say, it takes two. I suspect you are right regarding the reasons divorce is down. Unfortunately misery is probably way up and there will be people who really would have separated and divorced living separate lives together. I also fear violence will be on the rise too.

I was pondering this today. If it's for better or worse, some people could use that as an excuse to behave badly. If there are no consequences, people sometimes will - separation and divorce being the consequence.

I am sure some people don't take their vows seriously, but others may not have been in their right minds (literally) when they made them. There are far too many grey areas to try to impose a rigid rule over all situations.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 3:20AM
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