Friends with future SD on Facebook?

norcalgirl78March 6, 2012

Well...I knew this day would come, eventually. My future SD turned 13 several weeks ago and BM finally let her have a Facebook account. FDH wasn't too happy about it, but the ship had sailed by the time he found out. (He talks to his DDs every day, but they live 8 hours away and that's the way it goes sometimes.) FDH and I got friend requests from SD13 the day before yesterday, and I have been feeling really conflicted about it since then.

It isn't that I don't want to be "friends" with SD13. In fact, she IS my friend! She's a great kid. I just think Facebook may not be an appropriate forum for the friendship. First of all, I have five years of stuff on there that I don't want to (and probably couldn't) scour for kid-inappropriateness. Second, I have literally 80+ photo albums of personal photos on there - pictures of my family, ex-boyfriends, world travels, home, cars, etc. all with my personal captions and thoughts. And third, and most importantly, BM has control of SD13's Facebook account and would be looking at my profile.

How do I know this? I'm sure BM has better things to do than monitor my profile, however, as I posted back in 2008, BM and I were Facebook friends for several months or about a year when her inappropriate and libelous postings (and CONSTANT commenting on every damn thing that I or anyone else posted on my wall) pestered the hell out of me and finally led me to delete her as a friend. She noticed within a matter of 2-3 hours, got very emotional, called FDH, threatened to disrupted visitation (apparently me deleting her was evidence of "erratic" behavior that made her feel uncomfortable with the kids in our home!?), and other ridiculousness.

She soon calmed down when I told her I wasn't mad, but just didn't want to be privy to libel about the man I love, and details about her current marriage, and that she was violating my boundaries. She immediately reneged on her threats and apologized, admitting (in writing!) that she shouldn't have posted those things, but had done so out of anger. I'd printed out everything (including all her inappropriate posts) and put them into a folder. She has me blocked, but I know she's still on Facebook.

Now, none of this is SD13's problem, and I don't intend to make it her problem. I guess something to the effect of "My Facebook profile is an adult space, but I'm so glad we're real life friends!" should suffice? She is a VERY sensitive kid who feels things deeply.

A few times I've thought I could just put her on a very limited profile to not rock the boat, but if FDH friends her she'll see a bazillion pictures he's tagged in located in albums of mine that she can't see, and that will be awkward. And at the end of the day, even though BM and I rarely see each other or speak with each other (and get along just swell when we do), I simply do not wish her to have any level of access to information my lifestyle, hobbies, travels, habits, friends' postings, etc. I don't want to think every time I post about something I bought, something that pissed me off, or whatever else that SD and BM are reading it!

Anyone been in this situation?

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I would not add her. If you want to communicate with her on facebook, create a second facebook account. If you create an email account on yahoo or gmail for free, you can use that email account to create a new facebook that won't have your history & all the other information you don't want BM or SD to see. I have a second facebook that is for family only. My main one is for friends & people I went to school with...

    Bookmark   March 6, 2012 at 4:58PM
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and blocking her from your old profile will prevent her from seeing any tags, one way or the other. If you tag your new profile in the pics, she will see that tag.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2012 at 5:03PM
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I think Ima's idea of two personal facebook pages is likely the way to go. None of the child's business what is on your 'adult' page, but refusing to befriend because of this might set up hurt feelings.

Actually it could be considered an 'honor' to be asked by the future SD. She wants to include you and her father in her 'social life'. You could upset up a page that is husband and you together (besides the individual pages) and just use the joint one for pics of your family events, shout outs to between you all blah blah. Keep it 'family' focused. You can still be you and do as you please on your individual need to edit and/or be afraid to socialize as you please.

Just kinda remind 'Dad' that if you/he can set up multi facebook accounts, it won't be long before SD learns how to too if she has a mind to. Hope her mother seriously keeps on eye on her. kids do stupid things and can be very naive even while thinking they are all grown up and know it all.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2012 at 5:16PM
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I would vote for either 1) not adding her and just sending a message: Have fun on facebook! And then explaining either in a message or in person something along the lines or not wanting to friend each other so BOTH of you can have privacy!

or 2) add her to regular page and then strictly limit what she can see.

But either way remember that Facebook is a public forum and its always possible that people you don't want to see things will! I try to never post anything that I would feel uncomfrotable explaining to family, friends, or co-workers.If you wouldn't say it in a crowded store, don't say it on facebook.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2012 at 5:11PM
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Hi guys, thanks so much for the feedback. I will think about the two profile idea. I think, though, that it will cause me too much extra management and confuse people, who will bombard the new page with add requests and start posting in both places. I will have to find a way to just casually tell SD13 that my Facebook is an adult place where I can't control the kid-appropriateness of information...and BTW, it's mostly for work and pretty boring too. :-) I will also send her more emails and texts so she feels connected to me.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2012 at 10:34AM
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