please help- desperate

lyndsey18March 30, 2009

very long very complicated story. Basically, I have a just turned 6 yrd SS. His behavior is completely unacceptable, and my husband and my husband's mom (Grandma) blames it on the fact "he's had such a hard life". I hear that every single time my SS does something bad. (every two minutes or so) the kid has major issues and no one wants to address it. He is the favorite of all the grandkids which breaks my heart bc my 4 month old daughter (with my husband) gets no attention or love bc it's all about my SS. Well for example, the kid pees and poops on the floor. on purpose. He screams how much he hates me, how I'm fat, stupid, ugly, he wants his real mommy, i'm a bad step mommy, i treat him like s-h-i-t, true words! he tells everyone i hurt him and starve him. not true! when i was pregnant he would hit and kick me, he is mean to my baby, he is rude, demanding, spoiled, my god i'm at the end of my rope. he refuses to do homework and the school (kindergarten)is saying he's mentally handicap, which i believe to an extent, but my husband and his mother ignore it and just say its because he didn't get a good start- he's had such a bad life. which the kid has- his BM was psycho, out of the picture pretty much except for a phone call a day to say hi, then she drops away again. she's always telling him she's going to sign away her rights to him, she doesn't want him, bc he acts sort of the same way towards her. She apparently had homicidal thoughts towards him beofre teh divorce, and honest to god, inow know why. I can't even describe what he does. He sticks his finger inside himself and smears the fecal matter on walls. he pees on the floor in his pants and plays with it, thinking its funny, but everyone just loves "the baby". thats what they call him. everyone kisses hi sbutt and he manipulates them and has tehm eating out the palm ofhis hand and it burns me up. he now lives with his grandma again and she just feeds his attitude. He cusses, is rude and disrespectful, gives cousins bloody noses, is extremely violent and jealous of anyone else who gets attention, he is rotten to the core. I can't stand to look at him bc i remember all the things he's done to me and my daughter. she lets him stay out of school when he wants, which ultimately will come back on my husband and i for truancy. but my god, I can not stand it. My husband and i fight over it all the time bc honestly i've given up and want nothing to do with him. I'm not mean to him, although i want to be- i simply ignore him whenever he's around. (thankfully not much anymore) but this has hurt my husband. Our marriage is in serious trouble. I love him to death, he's my world, but we always fight about his son. I need someone to tell me i'm not alone, that i'm not wrong for feeling angry, please. I will have a breakdown if this keeps going on. also, what can i do? I most certainly can not open myself up to the kid anymore. He killed me emotionally when I did before. But something has to be done or else i kno wwe will get divorced, which will kill me bc i love my husband to death. but i hate his kid. I can't take anymore. I think if i have a support system then i'll be better, and seeing as i have no family and his family definitely won't listen to me badmouth thier precious little boy, I need the internet. lol. please tell me i'm not alone, that this kid is out of control... and if you tell me he's had a bad life, i think i'll commit myself.. lol

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forgot to add- i've known teh kid little over a year, and we got married about 6 months ago, and had my daughter 4 months ago. he's always been bad, but the behavior escalated when school started. Before that, things werent perfect, but they were OK. we got along, played, he called me mom, said he loved me, etc. i don't know what happened. god i miss those days.... I miss the kid, he's not the same now...

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 4:04PM
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Maybe a good place to start is to ask yourself what ARE your options, what solutions can you think of? Make a list and then cross off the ones that aren't viable or acceptable to you, such as leaving your husband. Then see what is left. For each one, try to imagine the likely obstacles and consequences. Try to get it down to the options that cause the least amount of pain for anyone involved.

Try to find out independently what can be done about getting him in for at least an initial meeting with a counselor to assess his actual mental state. I personally am extremely loathe to use phrases like "rotten to the core" to describe a small child, but I do sympathize with what must feel like a nightmare situation dealing with some of those *behaviors*, which are indeed unacceptable. They key is to get help improving those behaviors so that you don't start to hate the kid himself. It does sound like a professional needs to be consulted, and if your husband or mother-in-law doesn't want to do it and the BM is wiping her hands clean and renouncing her own authority, sounds like it will have to be you to be proactive on this. But for THE KID'S WELFARE, so he can be helped out of these behaviors and find healthier ways to deal with his adjustments and feelings... NOT to be able to stick him with a label that says "see? he really is bad and screwed up". That is a very key distinction and will definitely affect how his behavior progresses.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 5:14PM
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My husband and mother in law both think that he doesn't need counseling because again, he's just had a hard life. I personally think he needs a TON of therapy, for reasons too numerous to mention, but again, they are in denial that he needs help. I definitely need to see a professional myself. I wasn't joking when I said I was on teh verge of a breakdown. But thank you for the advice, I'm going to make a list right now :) I can't tell you how good it feels to get feedback from people who aren't completely biased towards him. and I hate his behavior, but i don't know if i'm starting to hate him himself. I have never thought it would come to this. I was a day care teacher and have never felt this way about anyone before, especially a child, and to think it's my own step child?? I hate myself for feeling this way and yet I can't help it. I need help. I don't want all this bitterness and hatred to define me, yet I fear it's beginning to.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 5:40PM
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I do think this child needs help and it is sad that his behaviors are getting brushed off and excuses are being made for them!

I am thinking if he continues doing these types of things at school they continue to speak up.

As for you, his behavior towards you is unacceptable. And you need to continue trying to get through to dh. He must know his son is hard to handle though since he is allowing him to live at grandmas instead of at home!!

Could some of this rage be a result of his bm being out of his life and you entering so quickly and then bringing a child into the situation so quickly as well? Not excusing his behavior but it could have added to it. And it sounds as if his mother has some mental issues. Is it possible he has some type of mental illness that could be treated with medicine?

Please try to convince your dh to take him to his pediatrician and get started trying to figure out how to fix this. It will only get worse with age. And the physical side of his rage will only get more dangerous as he grows.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 6:06PM
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mom2emall, so glad you posted as you brought up several good points. First off, THANK YOU for recognizing excuses are being made and it's not right. Again, so good to hear i'm not just a mean old step mom. Yes, my DH knows his son has issues, he has had them for a while, but he sees them as not being so bad I guess. (SS only really acts severely when his dad is not around, but will do whatever when anyone else is around.) There's not a doubt in my mind that his BM has a major part to do with his issues. She has in fact several mental issues. (I apologize, i wrote this post before but it got deleted so i had to rewrite, guess i left a few things out) She is bipolar, acts schizophrenic, but is genuinely just crazy. She is mean, rude, hateful, spiteful, and I guess you could say sociopathic. God I could go on and on about her but anyway. Interested tidbit about her though-- when she found out I was pregnant, she got pregnant 3 months later. She is currently homeless, on and off with her "baby daddy", with her new baby, etc etc. SS wants nothing to do with her or her new baby on most days. BM tells SS horrible things about me, as you can imagine, and also tells him how her "baby daddy" beats her on a regular basis, man I could go on and on about the BM. But I have said all along that the SS has some of his mother in him. I'm sure he has ADHD as well as other things, but again, like the mild mental retardation he's believed to have, (he's just slow) no one wants to admit or believe anything is wrong with him. I'm positive that this has not been easy for him. I never said it was. However, my DH and his ex were still living together when we met. They were not together, they were going through the divorce and my SS knew things were over, but due to her having nowhere to go and all they just lived in the same house. Not that my SS was around much, bc he was living with his grandma over a year prior to me coming into the picture. I'm sure he's having a hard time adjusting, but I guess I'm just having major issues with how other people are treating him. He's "The baby", he can do no wrong, poor thing, etc etc while I am being used and abused and no one cares they've created a monster. he is only at school 3 hours a day, kindergarten, so he doesn't have much time to really act out. we have had several parent meetings from his eyesight(he is almost blind, but is corrected by thick glasses, which just went into effect about 5 months ago)They report he does not do his work, he wanders around, doesn't listen, etc. but nothing nearly to how he acts at home. Given teh time, I'm sure he will. And even WORSE, the pediatrition is a family friend. Go frickin' figure. So of course he says how good of a kid he is, how he can't believe the school thinks he has issues. But think about it- the doctor sees him very rarely, even then only about 5 minute intervals, to check him out physically. But as I said, family friend who won't say anything bad b/c he is the grandma's best friend. Ugh. On top of that, like I said before, my 4 month old gets the short end of the stick adn it breaks my heart. it's like no one has enough love left over from him to give to her. :(

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 6:26PM
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While I do think this kid needs help, how does a six year old know that it's "over" between his parents? In one breath you said he was mentally handicapped but then in the very next breath you said he knew his parents marriage was over. That doesn't add up. It seems that you have given him quite a bit of mental aptitude when it comes to you being justified in getting involved with Dad who was still legally married and now son should be okay with it.

You don't really say when you and Dad started dating but if you met SS a year ago and already have a fourth month old, than did you really get yourself knocked up only a few weeks after meeting son? I can't imagine that your precious daughter was actually a planned pregnancy after only a month of seeing what you were getting yourself into.

I don't see much hope for your relationship. Get out fo your sake, and both of these children's sake. This kid needs major help and has adults in his life who refuse to get the help he needs and there is nothing you can do about it other than have a breakdown.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 7:23PM
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Let me clarify. The school has suggested that he may have development issues, as in he is slow. Whether he truly has learning issues or he just doesn't want to do schoolwork, I don't know. We never thought there was a learning issue until he went to school. He showed no signs whatsoever of being handicap until he started school- even then I wondered if he was truly handicap or if it was just because his mother never took the time to teach him anything, which is true. They had discussed with him that they were splitting up, that one day she would leave when she found somewhere to go, that whole speech, LONG BEFORE i came along. He knows what's going on, it's just his educational abilities are being questioned. Dad and I started dating a little over a year ago, a few weeks before meeting my now SS. now that I have said that, I have a few things to say to YOU, Starr.

I have got to say, I feel attacked by your message. You came off very rude and abrasive when all I am doing is trying to get help. and How DARE you judge me for getting pregnant after knowing my husband for a month. Yes, it's true, congratulations, you have basic math skills! so yes, I really did get myself "knocked up" only a few weeks after meeting son. And believe it or not, she was planned. When my husband and i met, we fell head over heels in love with each other. we were engaged within a month of meeting, and yes, we decided to get pregnant. and I will tell you there hasn't been a moment in my life where I've regretted it. At the time, my SS was still living with his grandma and things had not gotten bad. He was the sweetest kid. that's why I never thought twice that this would be this big of a deal. He was a great kid, then he just.. changed.. a few months after I moved in. Regardless, it was not at it's worst, and we got married. It all seemed to hit the fan when school started. And if you are trying to make me feel like a bad person for bringing my daughter into this world you are wrong my friend. Yes, my daughter is precious, she and my husband are my entire WORLD and I wouldn't change that for anything. It's sad that I come on here looking for help with my step son, yet judgemental people like you have to say your piece. As for your bleak outcome prediction of my marriage, I'm surprised. I thought people were supposed to encourage others on here. Suppose I was wrong. But I am TRYING to do the best I can with what I have. However, on the other hand, I want to thank you. That's right Starr, thank you. Thank you for saying the things you have said, because it is clear that you are a bitter, judgemental, cold woman and you have given me great insight as to who i do NOT want to turn out as. I may have a bad situation, but ya know what, I love my husband, and I know he loves me. I also love my daughter, and it is not in her best interest for me to take her away from her daddy. It's obviously messed up my SS's life, and i REFUSE to do that to her. So again, thank you for being the person you are. I now know where i'm headed if I continue thinking the way I do, and I do not want to be at all like you.

Interesting side note.. my SS's crazy psycho uncaring BM's name is Starr as well. Go figure...

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 7:48PM
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the very fact that you got engaged wihtin a month of meeting each other and decided to get pregnant right away says something about yours and your DH's impulsivity and unless you are 20-years-old such rush seems a bit strange. Could it be that both of you are as implusive about everything else in life, including raising a child? And 6-year-old child cannot possibly know if marriage is over or not. Espcially if parents live in the same house and if at the same time dad is seeing someone else (and gets someone else pregnant), no wonder this child is confused. He needs help. And honestly he is not the one to blame for how he is turning out. So far all of the adults in his life make very immature decisions.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 9:01PM
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we were impulsive- I will give you that. However luckily it worked out in our favor. Except for the SS issue, we are an amazingly happy, functioning family. And it's not so much the fact that he wants his "real mommy" back; quite honestly, he only wants to talk to her whenever he is in trouble. (If he's in time out and has to sit in his room and not play, and she happens to call, he will talk to her bc theres nothing else to do. If she calls while watching tv or anything else he tells her he hates her and dadaddada.)He doesn't want to visit her ever; if his dad tries to make him visit, he throws a temper tantrum and he ends up not seeing her. He often tells her he hates her, which I can't blame (nor can any of the family) BC without going into it too much, she was a p!ss poor mom. She told him all the time she hates him, teaches him some bad stuff, (Once when I first met him and we were at the house, my DH and I were layin on the couch under the covers, completely innocent, and my SS (barely 5 at the time) asked if I was going to give his daddy a Blow J. She threw fits of rage all the time, punching and kicking holes in walls, leaving for weeks at a time, etc so I truly think she has messed him up)He actually wanted her to be gone, he told her to go several times, and it's just odd to me that when he gets mad at me he says he wants his real mommy when she was so cruel to him. She never played with hmi or let him play outside- I did. She never read him bedtime stories. No helping with homework. No baking cookies together. Nothing like that like I did, and I tried my best to be the best SM I could be but it just got me here, with a kid wanting his p!ss poor real mom instead, or so he says. (I think he's just saying that so I'll leave) But besides coming into his life early and having all these adjustments, I don't see how I am to blame for how he's turned out. He has some serious issues and the family blames me for not trying harder which is ridiculous, bc i wore myself out with this kid and all it did was emotionally kill me.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 9:19PM
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I know a little what you are going through, I have custody of my nephew who is now 12 (next month) I have hadhim for 5 + years... He was horrible at first he got sent home from school almost everyday, he didnt listen to anything, I would tell him that I love him and he would not respond finally one day he said (why do always tell me that you love me) I cried because he was never told that by his mom (whom is related to my ex) I had to place him in a behavorial center for 3 days because he was so violent, he ad fits all the time.. The doctors finally diagnosed him with several different things, and told me that it takes 7 months of positive for every year of negative that he has lived with... believe me its not easy, I lost my job because I had to leave all the time, my marriage broke up after 20 years (not just this but it didnt help). But he is a straight A student now and has very few episodes... BM hasnt even talked to him in 3 years (and Im not complaining) kids need consistancy and love and if you have the patience your ss will overcome this... but HE NEEDS TO SEE A DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and go to therapy.... Remember kids only know what they are taught, so teach him not to be angry and that even though mom is in and out of his life you will always be there, thats what he wants and needs... GOOD LUCK

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 9:33PM
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thank you so much for your kind words. I think that just getting my husband and his mother (they are in it together so to speak)to see a counselor would do wonders. You have much more patience than I do. It's broken me down, that's for sure. it's not necessarily the violence that's teh worst, it's the downright disrespect and cruel attitude that gets to peeing in his pants and laughing and playing in it-- he did it knowing it would upset me, and I'd have to do laundry and clean the floor and whatnot. I know for a fact I am a better mother than his BM.. i just have to really try 10x harder. I hope I can do it.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 10:43PM
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Try to remember that the people hardest to love are the ones who need love the most.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 11:29PM
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