problems with daughter and stepfather

ashwill00March 21, 2009

Ive been married over two years. My husband(BA) and I have a few issues of our own but the main problem is my daughter(AS) 16 doesnt want him here. He fusses to me about her and she fusses to me about him. He doesnt get to see his three boys 13,12,9 because of his ex.(thats another subject all its own) My daughter does not have a relationship with her father by his choice. He sees her or talks to once or twice a year and only lives twelve miles away.

BA and AS got along really well until about six months ago. He and I had a fight and got hit. I hit back. He was diagnosed with bipolar and since is in counseling and on medication which is working. Like I said we a couple of issues to work out. He and my son get along great. But AS trys to be the mother to my son and trys to be in control of everything wants to know everything.

I need help we are separated right now but he is begging to go to family counseling and will do what ever is need to work on family. AS thinks he doesnt want her here. He thinks she doesnt want him here. They both are saying the same stuff about the other.

I told them they are to spend one to two hours together a week when we set down for a family meeting. This was working until he and I had an argument, just arguing, and she got mad at him. If we argue she takes it personally.

She is a good kid. She had a wonderful 16th bday party and hugged us both, she makes good grades but she says if he comes home she is leaving. Want to live with my parents who put their two cents worth in quite often, even when they are told to but out. What do I do I love them both. I will never choose someone over my child they both know that and he doesnt expect me to. But she says she will move out and visit. My parents are stritch, my husband is stritcked, and we agree on chores and punishment. I am in charge of my children, I have allowed him to be in control too much but I have stepped up. I have never had the support and love of a man like him before, he has been great but he and she cant get along. We have caught her smoking in the past and doing the stuff most teenagers try, he says she is too disrespectful of me and talks back to me alot and she does, and she is disrespectful to him will go days and not even speak to him.

Any advice.

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so did I understand correctly that he hit you and you hit him back? I believe that if my daughter witnessed me being hit, she would not want that man around either and I actually think she would call a police right away.

sounds like there is some domestic violence taking place and your daughter should not be witnesssing this, even one time is too much. if you choose to keep this guy, it is better for DD to live with relatives. Even if he does not hit you anymore but just fight verbally, it is still wrong for a girl to watch.

Girls who watch their moms in emotionally or/and phsycially abusive relationships choose same type of husbands for themselves. do you want your daughter to be in messed up marriage?

    Bookmark   March 22, 2009 at 1:55PM
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She did not see him hit me. Her brother saw it and told her. She is a very headstrong independent girl but at the same time does not want to share me my time even with her brother. Im at my wits end. My husband says he has been wrong about the way he has handled everything with my daughter and me. Him hitting me happen over four months ago before he was on his current medication for bipolar. And yes you will say Im defending him but Im not. I left my daughters father when she was 3 1/2 because he was physically abusing me and then he but bruises on her. She saw alot then nothing compared to now. Im trying to do the right thing for everyone. Even my son who loves BA alot he has a strong bond with him.But my daughter refuses to bond with anyone. When I was married to my sons father she refused to let him emotionally close to her and now BA.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2009 at 6:29PM
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I understand you are doing family counseling but what about DD? Is she getting private counseling? If she has seen/had an abusive relationship with her dad and has "man" issues she may need to address some of that herself. It may be that it does effect the way she looks at men in her own life. Also is she thinks of herself like my DS then she may be doing this as a way of controlling you. DS wants to think of himself as an adult who can tell me what to do. She may be trying the same crap. You aren't any less of a parent for trying to make your marriage work. At some point your kids are going to be grown and out of HH. What do you want your future to look like when they are grown?

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 11:22AM
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it is normal for people who grew up in abusive environment to not get close to anyone. she saw you being abused by your first husband, and now she heard that this one beats you up as well. maybe one time, but one is enough for her. yes i wouldn't expect her to get close to this man, damage is done. Of course your DD has issues, but these issue didn't come out from nowhere, they are the result of what she was and is exposed to. nikemama if we choose men over our children just because we fear to be alone in old age then shame on us.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 11:42AM
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Are you telling me that you have a 16 year old who has been rejected by her father AND has been thrust into a blended family with a mentally ill and physically abusive step-father?

Why the hell wouldn't she be mad? Sounds like she's the only one with her head on straight.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 8:38PM
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I agree with Gretel. I'd want to move out too. Sounds like you don't have your relationship straight and that would be very hard to deal with as a young adult since you really depend on the parents to be consistent and have their sh*t together. C'mon. Hitting one another???? Wrong on so many levels. And you hit him first? Have you spoken to her about your part in this?

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 11:28AM
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Nope sorry. As a step mother to children who have a Bio mom who is a serial abuser/abusee I can tell you she is right to be stand offish.

If they do it once they'll do it again and mental illness is not an acceptable excuse when there arkids involved. Both bio mom and her current boyfriend have "mental issues" but it has been no less damaging for the girls to see her ruffed up. Being "sick" doesn't excuse abuse.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 2:59PM
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Finedreams, Didn't say pick the man over your kids. Just not turn your nose up to someone you want to work things out with, just because your kid wants to be cold toward them. If everyone on this board left their husbands or wife because one of the kids didn't like the new step-parent then this would be a singles board not a STEP-Parent board. Her son likes her husband and sees the good in him. Her daughter is the one who don't like him so she can have time to work our her problems. You don't let your children run your life. You have to put on your big boy pants and make YOUR choices carefully. One bad day and you throw away your whole marriage. REALLY DANG!! If her DH wasn't trying to deal with Bi-polor then it would be a problem. If he stops trying to take care or has a substance abuse problem but DD throwing her weight around and saying she is going to run away to Grandma's house if you don't do what I say. PLEASE!! That isn't picking a man over your children it is not letting a child rule the world. That is what is wrong with these kids they have power they shouldn't and then we wonder why they grow into self centered brats.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 3:36PM
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Normally I'd agree with you but abuse is where the line gets drawn. If I knew a man had hit my mom even once I'd want him DEAD no less like him.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 3:41PM
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I guess I feel like a couple having a private fight and the two of them trading licks does not make him an abuser. If she hit him back then is she not abusive too? I think it went to far, true enough. It didn't happen in front of the daughter. I think daughter is using it as a wedge. They are getting counseling. It isn't like they are sweeping it under the carpet and pretending it never happen. There is a difference.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 4:24PM
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But if someone hit YOUR mom would you care about the counseling or who hit whom first? I know I wouldn't. I'm just seeing this more from the daughters point of view.

Plus fights arn't private when they happen with kids in the house. She may not have seen it but the brother did. Not good. It got way out of hand and even with the counseling it probably will again. What happens if homeboy forgets his meds one day?

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 4:28PM
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ITA Doodle.

This is one of those cases where I think the child is smarter than the parents.

It seems to me that the OP was most concerned about her daughter not bonding with the stepfathers, past and present. I think she should be more concerned with stabilizing and providing a safe and secure abuse free home for her children before expecting her children to bond with the abusers.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 4:40PM
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nikemama, the reason ashwil shouldn't stay in such situation is not because her child doesn't like him, but because this man is mentally ill and abusive and since ashwill already exposed her daughter to one abusive man, two abusive men is way too much for a girl to handle. when children are involved, it is not OK to bring whoever in their lives. It is not DD's job to start bonding wiht this man, it is mom's job to make sure DD lives in a healthy family. so far this family sounds way unhealthy. arguing and physical abuse. maybe you think it is not a big deal, i think it is a very big deal.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 11:00PM
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I reread the first post and apparently this wonderful husband of hers has three children 13/12/9 whom he doesn't see. i wonder why. OP says because of his exwife? LOL. Is there a court order? Does he have visitations rights? Could it be he isn't allowed to see them because of his behavior? Apparently DD is not the only one who doesn't want him around. Doesn't see his 3 children? It says a lot. Yes I agree with nivea this 16-year-old is smarter than adults.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 11:11PM
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To clear a few things up. My daughter is in counseling and I was told a long time ago that she will never accept anyonen in my life because she has become so accustom to it just being us, her me and her brother whom she has an issue with also. My husband does not see his sons because his ex does not allow. He has a court order for visitation everyother weekend but when he tries to see them or call them. She changes phone numbers emails and plans trips when he is to see them, go to court, well when we do they just tell her to allow the visits one son is severally disabled so its not easy see or talking to him the other two want to see him but when its time the youngest tells him that mom bought him something or is buying him something and cant come and she wont allow them to visit if we dont take all three. Which we would love to do.
Hitting. I didnt hit him I fought back. there is a difference. We are in counseling and for those of you who have never had an illness mental or not congradulations. Your lucky. I was hopen for help in trying to make this family work. Was to help my daughter and ways to help my family. Yes I have failed in areas but it seems to me that I am on the right track by asking for help here and with thearpy. Im not a woman who sits on her butt and does nothing Im well educated and get along well with my family. I have a good job which in theses times is amazing.
To some of you have posted positive things........thanks they were needed and appreciated. To the others well sounds like some are bitter or enjoy living the life of negativity. I am keeps my family safe all of them. I will not endanger my children for anyone not even myself happiness or gain. GOD trusted me with their love and care I just have come to a crossroad that is new and scary to me the thought of not raising a healthy happy well adjusted child or having a healthy marriage. Everyday will be a struggle for us all and everyday a challenge. That is what life is and to learn from them is what Im suppose to do.
Maybe this marriage will not work. Maybe my daughter will grow up with men issues not just because of me but her father. Maybe my son will never find love or be independent in life. These things scare me, but I have to try and find a way to make life better for all. Why? because I love them all. Give me advice not a way out!

    Bookmark   March 25, 2009 at 12:11PM
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I'm sorry if you feel that I am one of the negative ones you speak of. The thing is I HAVE had to deal with mental issues and abuse from more than one angle.

From my experience the two go hand in hand. Normal,well people do not attack people. All abusers have some form of mental handicap BUT it is NOT an excuse.

We are dealing with this with my step childrens mother right now. They can't see her because of the man she is living with. They both have mental issues and addiction problems and he beats her. The girls father will not allow them around her as long as she is with this man.

I also had a boyfriend in high school who was a manic depressive bi-polar. He was prescribed multiple meds to keep him level but if he missed one dose he became mean as a snake. When he finally slapped me I was gone. When my dad confronted his mother about the incident she used the fact that he had missed his meds as an excuse. Understandably that didn't excuse the welt on his daughters face. My dad still wanted to kick his a$$. Also not all mentally ill people have violent tendancies....those are seperate but are brought out more by the sickness.

How would you feel if this was a boyfriend of your dughters who had attacked her but was now in therapy and on meds. I don't think you would care for the guy much and youd probably tell her she deserved better.

I know you love this man and want everyone here to tell you it's all sun shine and rainbows and that your daughter should make more effort to like this guy but the fact is he attacked you. It will probably be a long time if ever that she will like him. That's just the reality of your situation. I'm not trying to be negative....the situation itself is already negative. I'm just being realistic based on personal experiences.

I really do feel for you because your situation is not an easy one.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2009 at 1:07PM
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I'm sorry if you think I'm negative, but I really can't come up with anything positive to say in these kind of situations. If you were my best friend, I would say the exact same thing to you.

It's nice that you are in therapy, but you can't change what happened and how other people feel about your choices, including your daughter. Reality is is that she's had 3 different father figures in 16 years, I can imagine that she is very protective of her heart and mind because she has a real and valid need to do it. Again, I'm not trying to be negative, but this is her reality. Not many kids go through 3 different father figures and I imagine by the third one its an old act to them. And then add on a mentally ill abusive third father? Yeah, who could blame her for not wanting to live with him and play house?

I'm sorry, but I do think this is one of those scenario's where the child is speaking loud and clear that people are violating her boundaries and safety, but is being punished for having real feelings. You can't go back and change the past and a lot of your decisions have directly influenced who and how she is.

Personally, I would concentrate on yourself and your children before adding ANYONE in the mix of your household. Much less an abusive mentally ill man.

I do wish you happiness and peace, but I can't see how you will get that by letting this guy come back to live with you.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2009 at 3:06PM
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I wish the very best for your family. I don't think that a couple arguments and even the other is the end of the world for you and your husband. I do think that counseling is the best first step in trying to help both you and your children. When I read your post I can very much see my former life. My Ex and father of my three sons has mental illness and a drug problem, that I could never fix. If your husband is willing to do the right things to make himself better and you are truely happy with him then try to make your marriage work. I beat my head on that wall for 13 years. He wasn't willing to do his part. Your case sounds different then mine. I didn't get that door mat feeling from your post. Defended yourself put him out and making him work to earn his place in the family while he works on his problem. That isn't picking your husband over your child. Your not sending her to China never to be seen again. I feel like your trying to make the best out of a bad situation and there is nothing wrong with that. Your daughter will likely come around. I don't think what your talking about was that kind of abuse that ends all. Otherwise I am sure you would have sent him away for good do not pass go do not collect $200.00. If it was to come to that, get an EPO, do change your number what ever you need to protect yourself, but again that isn't what I took from what you said. Good luck to you. I wish all our lifes was perfect but if it was we wouldn't be here.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2009 at 4:24PM
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I would also love to say something positive if i would see anything. So far what you described sounds very negative. I wish i saw something promising in all this, i don't. i feel bad for your daughter. i am not saying negative stuff because I want to upset you but because I express my opinion in regards to unhealthy situation you are in. We can't make it more negative than it already is.

You ask for advice, we do give you advice. Concentrate on your children, not on men.

i wish your children the best.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 1:14PM
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I think if you repeatedly choose abusive or/and violent and/or menatlly ill men (and subject your chidlren to it) there is a serious issue, maybe you need to address it in individual therapy, and you have to always remember that those choices keep damaging your children. Even if you like this kind of life, you cannot pretend it doesn't damage your kids.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 1:17PM
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"Otherwise I am sure you would have sent him away for good do not pass go do not collect $200.00."

You are so so so wrong here. The girls bio moms ex (she too has a history of dating abusive men...most of the victim types do) beat her and strangled her in front of the children. One of the girls got hit in the face by a bead curtain in the scuffle. The cops were called and Jonathan had to go get the girls. That guy got a pop on the wrist and was told to find some where to stay fort he night. THAT'S IT! The landlord banished him from the property since his name wasn't on the lease. Had it not been for that he would of been right back over there the next morning. If the ding-dong female won't press charges there isn't much that can be done unless it results in a serious injury or death.

Her new boyfriend also had the cops called on him after backhandend her in a crowded bar. There was a scuffle in the parking lot and she tried to drive away. He kicked in her car window trying to get to her and everything. Another car was hit in the process. The cops showed up and another pop on the wrist. They went home together. She wouldn't press charges.

Women who are repeat victims seldom press charges. They feel they in some sense DESERVE the abuse so they never press charges. Just because the man isn't arrested doesn't mean he didn't deserve to be by no strtch of the imagination.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 2:29PM
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Hitting is never right. I am sorry your DH has a problem, but he has to first solve it before he can live with your kids. To me this is an easy choice.

And to all those who say, why cant biomom find a man and move on, I would say moving on is not dependent on finding a man. Moving on means taking care of yourself and your kids. Having a job and a safe place to live.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 2:49PM
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"And to all those who say, why cant biomom find a man and move on, I would say moving on is not dependent on finding a man. Moving on means taking care of yourself and your kids. Having a job and a safe place to live."

And just to add to to this...just because a woman DOES find another man doesn't mean she has moved on. The girls mom has had multiple boyfriend but is still madly in love with J. If he was to tell her he loved her and wanted her back I am sure mister ego-maniac would be history and she'd back in Georgia with bells on her toes.

Bedding a new guy doesn't necessarily help a woman deal with emotional just covers it.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2009 at 3:25PM
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