X's 'significant other'

silverswordMarch 26, 2010

So, I emailed X the other day about DD and if she would need to bring certain things to his house when she goes. He doesn't respond, but his GF messages me on FB.

I know this is petty, and as my DH says, the more you talk to her, the less you have to talk to him. Which is a good point. But it was an email, and he's her dad. He's the one I contacted. My DH rarely responds to other people on my behalf, and I would never think of responding to his X on his behalf.

This woman is REALLY irritating me. I know it's X that I should be irritated with, but he's a moron so I don't expect much. She, on the other hand, must be even more of an idiot if she thinks it's a good idea to be the "go-to" person between he and I.

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I can see how that would certainly be irritating, but I might have some sympathy for the GF. If she is a semi-decent human being, who is with a moron (your X), she is caught in a bad position. If moron-boy is too lazy and/or disinterested to communicate something important, it is your DD who will end up paying for it. GF has to choose between either standing idly by and watching that happen or stepping up herself.

Or GF is just a control freak! It's hard to say. :)

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 1:33PM
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She is semi-decent. But X knows how to use email. He, in fact, sent me one just the other day. He also uses the telephone. Quite frequently.

If he hadn't responded, I would have just sent her with the stuff anyway, so she wouldn't have suffered. Since she's only met my DD once I doubt she has too much invested.

I hear you, in that "standing idly by or stepping up" but it's not as if weeks went by, and we're not down to the wire in time either. In other words, I doubt she could have felt the time pressure and needed to relieve it. She's just over-exuberant, I guess. My fault for "friending" her on FB. She responds to EVERYTHING I post. First response? GF. Always. Lady, I don't want to be BFF, I'd like to be friendly but BACK OFF!!!

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 1:58PM
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This is one of those situations where you start as you mean to go. Email with her about this, it's going to be emailing about school next.

I'm all for stepparents and bio's getting along, I just don't think this is a steps responsibility when both bio's are involved.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 3:02PM
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OMG, you're right. I'm pretending I never saw the message from her and just emailing X again to reiterate/provoke a response from HIM.

BTW, she's not a SM, she's his GF, and they haven't been together that long...

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 3:09PM
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My thinking on this is that it can be one of two things she is trying to be in control and inserting herself where she may not belong or she is just trying to be helpful and build a relationship.

It is petty and can create hostility for no good reason to just ignore her message.

It almost seems like she has a little to much gusto in trying to get along for everyone's sake (and really is that a bad thing ... especially if she turns out to be really good to your daughter I would rather have that then deal with the horror of the evil gf/sm scenerio). I would personally, count this as her just trying to be helpful, good intentions and all that and perhaps message her with a generic hey thanks for the heads up I'll call or email ex later.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 3:44PM
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I'd send her a short, friendly "thank you for your concern/enthusiasm. For now, I prefer to discuss issues with DD's father directly. I look forward to getting to know anyone that is a part of my daughter's life and I hope we can continue to be friendly." and leave it at that. (or something similar)

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 4:12PM
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I know you'all have heard me say it before, but for me at least, it was much easier and more productive to co-parent with StepMom than it was with Dad. While I occasionally had 'boundary issues' with her, in reality, boundary issues were all they were. She was a reasonable person and a sensible parent to her own kids. Ex, on the other hand, was an obstructive jerk who'd spend all day shopping for monkey wrenches just so he could throw them into my plans.

There could be hundreds of reasons why she'd want to handle it:
- Jealous of Dad and wanting to keep you away,
- Dad considers child care 'women's work' and has already delegated it to her,
- Simple eagerness to please,
- Genuine desire to bond with 'potential future SD'
- Genuine desire to make Dad think she wants to bond with 'potential future SD',
- Control freak,
- Simply doesn't mind,
- Dad doesn't want to 'deal with you' and asked her to middle-man,
- She's the person who actually does the work, so it seems logical...

If you're sure you'd really rather deal with him, I like Ima's approach -- A friendly approach that thanks her for her interest, doesn't slap her in the face (and says so), but lets her know that until it's clear she's in it for 'the long haul', that you'd prefer to co-parent with Dad.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 4:50PM
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Or you could give the Ex a dose of his own medicine & start having your DH respond to any/all inquiries from your Ex regarding DD.

I know, I know. That is bad & passive/aggressive-but I had to put it out there if only to make you smile while thinking about it :0)

Everyone else had much more mature responses than I, lol.


    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 5:02PM
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We've been divorced since DD22 was 4, so we obviously had a lot of communication during these years. Anything what concerned DD was/is communicated strictly between X and me. We are not event talking about involved stepparent, but someone who saw DD once? It falls into a category of a stranger, no need to discuss a child with strangers.

Seems that it is not the first post about social networking sites causing commotion in families, I think it could be prevented by simply not giving her access to your email. the only reason she replies because you "befriended' her. That was an invitation.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 5:44PM
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If GF is not actually living with ex, would be a big factor in how I'd feel. If GF lives fulltime with ex and would be mostly around for DD's visit, I'd not have a problem doing communication with her under two conditions 1)she behaves herself and is civil and 2) she has enough sense to know when it would be out of bounds to communicate for ex when situation clearly calls for one on one with the ex over the daughter.

With that said, if I wrote an email to an ex and his GF responded, it would annoy me the intital time. I did not write the GF, I am not sending my daughter to visit the GF, ex can email himself. Now then if after ex responded he added something like 'for the little things I may sometimes have GF respond blah blah, unless of course you need to directly speak to me, then just say so' or something along those lines.

I agree with Ima.

It just would take me by surprise if I emailed and got a response for someone other than who I was actually emailing.

Friendly enough and civil, but why go 'best friends' and why should it be expected? I'd also let ex know I was displeased with this first approach without him have letting you know. GF might be the nicest person alive and have all the best intentions, but I would resent being made to deal with her.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 5:46PM
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I don't mean to make light of it because I am sure it is extremely annoying and borderline invasive, but it IS kind of funny. I have this picture of some naive, bubbly kind of girl-woman who is just all happy and eager to be friends with you. We'll all be one big happy extended family! Yay us!

Would that I were so young and optimistic again rather than the cynical jaded person I am now!

(I'm probably completely wrong and she's some 60 year old Single White Female type or something.)

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 5:50PM
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In our situation, BM tends to do most of the "time and place" arrangements with DH, but more of the "here's what's going on with SS" arrangements with me.

So I guess I don't find it that odd that she'd reply to you.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 6:03PM
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I don't think GF directly replied to emails that were sent to dad, she posted messages on Facebook.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 6:17PM
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you saw SS more than once right? GF saw DD once.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 6:48PM
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"some naive, bubbly kind of girl-woman who is just all happy and eager to be friends with you. We'll all be one big happy extended family! Yay us!"

Yep. You got it.

"I don't think GF directly replied to emails that were sent to dad, she posted messages on Facebook."

GF responded to an email that was sent to dad, the day after I emailed him.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 11:07PM
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Yeah, see I'd probably ignore that too. I don't know, maybe ask Miss Manners. To me, it's not so much that she's the GF or potential stepmom....I just think it's really rude. And I really dislike having to placate someone when they have been rude.

Sure, it's nice and all that she wants to be extended family but that's her want. I've been burned too many times trying to figure out the background of why someone is doing something and I just don't think it's worth it. She was rude, ignore it. Life's too short.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2010 at 9:55AM
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I also vote for Ima's option. It's nice, it's clear.

I'm a SM and I would never dream of contacting BM regarding the skids. It's not my place. Even though I'd love to get along with her, in a different world ;-)

But even if we did get along, I'd still prefer to stay out of the conversation, simply because I'm not the parent, but the step-parent. Try and keep it simple right?

    Bookmark   March 28, 2010 at 8:23AM
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I ignored it. I contacted dad, we got it straightened out. But I have an ongoing feeling of irritation where she is concerned. I told dad about an issue I was having with DD (nose pickings, she's been ill, and she's picking and eating, which I said probably contributed to the lasting effects of the illness). We both laughed about it. She's a kid. I remind her, but...

So, WBSM (wanna-be SM, saw it somewhere else and love that acronym!!) FB's me with her version of DD's update... evidently they haven't had much nose-picking, but when they do, a "few well-placed gentle reminders seem to work".

Ok. Because when DD picks her nose at my house I yank her finger out and bite it. Of course gentle reminders work!!! I don't even have to say anything to get her to stop. All I do is raise an eyebrow or wink at DD. She gets it. And she's a kid.... so... it's normal.

It's just irritating that she feels the need to tell me how to parent. She also told me to "TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE" (emphasis hers) of my time while DD is gone. And that she thought I'd like to know that DD grew a full x number of inches since she was last there. Really? Because I buy her clothes, wash them, take her to the doctor for her physicals, enroll her in sports... I have no idea how tall my kid is. Thanks.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 4:45PM
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I get how irritating it would be... sounds like she's not very experienced with kids or maybe thinks she is being diplomatic and helpful. I'd wanna tell her "DUH!" too!

But the reality is that she is either trying to be a team player or she is trying to take over... because she thinks you are not doing what you should. (as in "move over, I'm gonna show you how it's done".. even though she may not have kids or know what she's talking about) lol, maybe she reads lots of books on step parenting or co-parenting and is trying to put it to use. Who knows? You may need to spend a little time talking to her to figure out what her motives here are. Maybe invite her out to coffee and set up the boundaries. "Hey, I appreciate your enthusiasm but this is only going to work if toes aren't stepped on... like, what I do in my free time is MY business... and vice versa." The key is to keep it non-confrontational but direct & honest. If you are up front, but friendly... then there is a chance she will respect it and back off. If she has good intentions, she will understand. If she gets huffy, you're gonna have problems.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 5:23PM
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Oh God Silver. That sounds really annoying. Your last post especially got under my skin. It sounds like WBSM (haha) is *trying* really hard and ya gotta give her credit for that.

BUT she is way out of bounds here. I think HER replying to an email that you specifically sent to DAD is strange and a little rude. I am trying to think of an appropriate parallel....hmmm...my dad's GF is not someone I particularly care for. I used to like her, but as the years have gone on, I really am starting to think she is fake, posessive and a little b*tchy.

SO...if I sent my father an email about dinner plans or whatever, and SHE responded, I'd be ticked. And it's kind of similar in that, while she is his GF, they don't live together. I don't see them as a united couple and I feel totally within my rights as DAUGHTER to make plans with my father without having to go through his GF.

It's not exactly the same situation but similar.

I would be irritated if I were in your shoes and I think Ima's suggestion is brilliant. It's friendly enough that GF shouldn't be offended but it's also succinct enough that it should make it clear to her that you do NOT want or need her input on parenting DD. I'd pretty much say verbatim what Ima said.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 5:25PM
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Guess you're nicer than I, I would not have befriended her online to start with. I get it's a hardspot when she applies to befriend, but really, I would have said 'no' and thought nothing of it. It's meant to be your page, your choice of friends, not an extended means for a GF to play WBSM. If later asked by ex why I said no, I'd simply have said 'cause it's meant to socialize and share with my friends that I want to chat with in my spare time'.

But now you're stuck with her without hurting her feelings.

To me this 'message' was even different than when she responded for ex on what to bring for visit. This one is clearly sending you 'motherly' advice after she's heard from your ex about what you and your ex talked about. He can repeat your convo I suppose, but what's he need for her to then send you her input on it?

But glad your WBSM is at least so far civil. I was horrified to hear that my SGS's BM was subjected to her recent WBSM with such statements as "If you had half a brain in your head...what kind of fool thinks it's okay to..." and "If you don't watch your step with me, I'll do my best to take ____ away from you".

I kid you not, life could be worse.

I think as long as your WBSM only post messages online and remains civil, I'd not pay much attention to her. Glance at the message if you must, but than let it roll off the shoulders. You're not co-parenting with her, who cares what she thinks and/or says. If it makes her feel important or helpful (gag) I suppose it's harmless enough. I'd still ignore real messages meant to answer for the ex though like you did this time when you want to actually talk with ex.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 5:40PM
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She posted on the internet that your daughter has been picking her nose?

*&* she's dishing out advice to you on the internet, on facebook for crying out loud?

don't know how it needs to happen, but that needs to stop.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 5:45PM
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agree with sylvia, nobody needs to publicly discuss children eating their boogers. inappropriate. apparently everyone posts on facebook so maybe your colleagues are reading all this.

I have hard time understanding why did you make your profile public and befriended her. you pretty much gave her a permission and you don't even know her, have you even met her?

I think it is pretty easy to stop. as long as you allow it, she'll be posting.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 6:05PM
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Um. First of all, I didn't make my profile public. Secondly, she's messaging me, so it's not a public message, it's private. No one else is seeing this. Third, I don't "friend" anyone at work.

The reason I "friended" her is because I come from a small town. Everyone knows everyone. Her mother was my neighbor. She dated a friend's ex husband years ago. She was friends with my (current) DH when they were kids. My parents know her. We have probably 30 FB "friends" in common even though her core friend group is not my core friend group. We went to the same high school, although we are several years apart and didn't attend at the same time.

At that point, it's more awkward not to be friends than it is to be friends (or so I thought). LOL.

Justme, this is it:
"This one is clearly sending you 'motherly' advice after she's heard from your ex about what you and your ex talked about. He can repeat your convo I suppose, but what's he need for her to then send you her input on it?"

Exactly. WBSM does live with Biodad. She answers the phone all the time as well. DD likes talking with her. I haven't encouraged it, but I haven't discouraged it either. Although I'm thinking that I will be the one to be dialing Dad from now on. If she answers, I'll call back until Dad's there. I had DD calling though, cause it helped her learn the #'s and I want her to be able to call Dad anytime... I just don't want to be all selfish with DD and uptight and nasty BM like so many I see. I want my DD to be able to form her own relationships with people. I'm not threatened by this woman, I'm just irritated.

I dunno. I guess I was just a little too relaxed, and then here's the fox in the chicken coop. Whoops. Guess I left the door open.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 8:33PM
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I thought your ex lives out of state, and cannot see DD that much, it is not like you have to see SM that often or ever. Well if it is too awkward not to be friends with her then all is left to be friends and now read her comments on face book. Well unless DD goes there weekly which she clearly does not, then it is probably not a big deal.

Some people like to advice on parenting even when they are not asked. My ex's wife decided once to give my XMIL grand-parenting advice. LOL Then she decided to share this with me and ask if I think it is appropriate to give MIL advice haha

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 9:00PM
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Ex lives in a different state, yes. My home state. My home town. I don't ever have to see WBSM.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 9:01PM
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then it is not awkward to not have her as friends. even if she dated ex's friends or friend's exhusband or her mother was your neighbor or your parents knew her. None of this sounds important. I would guess it takes more for friendship, online or real. It is funny. Just get her out of friends.

But when it comes to DD it is nice she is involved, they probably getting serious with your ex and she wants to let you know in her own silly way. I think it is typical? I don't see my ex that often anymore either but when i do, SM literally climbs on top of him and kisses and hugs like crazy, she also acts around DD22 like she is a little girl and needs to be served hand and foot. She also acts around me like I am a queen and need to be worshiped. LOL I think she is proving something? She is nice just very young. Your DD's SM sounds young too.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 9:27PM
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The WBSM, lol, sounds like she's just overly enthusiastic. And she's trying to "connect" with you on a mommy level even though she's not there yet. She may also be trying to show your X how great she will relate to you if they do go down the aisle. After all, it's really your moronic X (hope you're not offended by me repeating your description) who is feeding her all of the information she's playing back to you with commentary.

Tell him to stop it since he started it. She's friendly, that's nice but your DD's business is between you and him. Luckily, BM and DH communicated directly about their kids. However, all though it's not exactly the same, SS30s GF/babymama OFTEN returns and makes his calls for him with long stories/excuses/explanations of whatever he should be saying/doing for himself. It is incredibly annoying, somewhat insulting because I get the message that he doesn't want to talk to me himself and has been going on for years. A few times I've cut her off and told her to have SS call himself but I've made the mistake of mostly putting up with it which of course has encouraged it. If you don't want this to go on especially if WBSM actually graduates to SM, put your foot down now with X. He sounds like the real problem to me on this.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 10:29PM
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FD, you don't know how small my town is. Literally, I have hundreds of friends who are all her friends. She's known my DH since infancy. She's gone to my dad's house for dinner. Her mom has talked to my dad about my X and her dating, on purpose, gone to his house to have that talk. S M A L L town. In which my parents still live. In which most of my friends from childhood up live. I guess if you're not from that kind of environment it could be hard to understand, but I think there is some validity in my thought that it would be less awkward. Plus, if truth be known, I can learn a lot more about her if we're "friends"... right ;)

I don't use FB as most do, I guess. I'm not sharing personal stuff, updating constantly, etc. I have most of my stuff set to private except for a handful of friends. That means, most of my friends don't even see my pictures or posts. Including her.

She is not young. She's got five years or so on me, LOL.

LAmom, I don't mind. He is moronic. And I can't for the life of me understand why they seem to think their behavior is appropriate. She also told my DD one day that "your mom must be a real special lady for your SD to marry her". Is that a compliment? DD just looked at me like "uh-huh, whatever, she's my Mom".

I think DD is way smart enough to navigate this. She sees WBSM as a big "friend". I don't think WBSM works, so I think DD is with her during the day while she's there, if she's not with other relatives. I don't think WBSM is a bad person, I just think she's a little loopy.

Vent over. Not really a big deal, just a burr under my saddle.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 10:43AM
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"that "your mom must be a real special lady for your SD to marry her"."

WTF does that mean???

I don't get this! I cannot imagine saying ANYTHING like that (about BM) to my SS! How weird. It sounds to me like she has some kind of issue with you---I'm guessing she is jealous/threatened by your presence (even on the periphery) of ex-DH's life. And she's going way overboard to be all friendly/enthusiastic; but her jealous/nosey/intrusive undertones are coming through.

I don't know, that's just my take.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 11:02AM
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--"WTF does that mean???"--

My hunch it means SO is playing real hard at WBSM so ex sees what a 'real special lady' she is too and might move up to marriage too some day. No SO, no WBSM, but wife and SM.

The comment fits with her giving her input on even the little things (nose bit) and answering in place of dad on what to bring for 'their visit together'(the best friend and very concerned capable WBSM and DD)...afterall while ex is working WBSM will be left with his daughter, isn't he (ex) lucky to have her (WBSM) and isn't she is a special lady too(hint hint).

Who knows. What she's done so far is harmless enough, annoying and certainly not necessary, but telling her to knock it off competely might set off a domino effect from what Silver says in this situation.

I understand that small town USA thing, it's got lots of pluses and minuses. Seriously, not much everybody does not know from house to house in those, just try hiding something, they'll sniff it down like a well trained bloodhound. They know where you shop, what you eat and they'll be the first to bring a plate of brownies and a casserole over when they hear you you're under the weather.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 12:57PM
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Pretty much Justme. Not much goes unnoticed. LOL. They know where you shop, because there is only one grocery store and no big box stores and only one Starbucks and only one gas station and only one school and only two stoplights. It's a fairly high-status location so there's not a lot of in-breeding per say, a lot of people move in and then move out a few years later because no matter how pretty and nice it is there... that really bonds the native townsfolk together too, watching newbies come and go. There is a core of about 5,000 people (which sounds like a lot... but...) And I consider myself to be pretty open and friendly... I just want everyone to get along, lol. IRL, of course...

From what my BFF tells me (she still lives there, invites X and WBSM to parties so she can see DD, they meet at the park and talk while DD plays, etc) WBSM is very caring/on top of DD's needs. I APPRECIATE THAT!!! And I don't want that to stop.

WBSM has also told me stuff like "the picture that X has in DD's room of the three of you"... blah blah blah (I can't remember) Um. Really? He has a picture of the three of us up in her room? And I know the picture she's talking about. It's HORRIBLE. LOL. I didn't even have it up when I lived there, and it was MY FAMILY. Or she'll say, to DD, 'I picked some fruit, your mom must have planted that tree'. Which, I sound like a b*tch even whining about that because she's just trying to be nice and let DD know that she knows DD has a mom and that I'm special. So why is it so IRRITATING?????????

DH says WBSM had a really hard life, and her parents are certifiable from what I hear from EVERYONE in town. Plus, X is pretty honest that he's the one that f*ed up our marriage. And, he didn't want the divorce... And, my DH is considered somewhat of a catch in our small town (he had quite a few of my friends crushing on him in high school and he's only gotten better with age) so... there may be a little bit of special me, special you going on.

She can have him. LOL.

But drawing a line in sand is really really hard. I don't want to make a big deal of something little and then not be taken seriously when something bigger comes along.

And I don't want to look like the jealous exwife either.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 1:40PM
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what you described sounds a lot like DD's new SM, she is going out of her way and although it is nice, she seems too eager and it is annoying at times. She knows x is very respectful of me and we are very friendly so she goes out of her way LOL But i guess it is better than SM who hates a stepkid or want them dissapear. I'd rather have someone like her.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2010 at 4:31PM
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Me too FD.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2010 at 9:26PM
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My 2 cents from a SM who has been on the other side of the fence.

As the woman in the family, I was the one who made the social plans, knew what was going to go on during the weekend, seemed to remember what was going on with SD at school much more than her Dad did, etc.

It wasn't that DH didn't love SD, he would walk to the ends of the earth for her. But when DH's ex would ask about what SD should bring for the weekend, he really didn't know. And I did.

When I was newly married II made the mistake of direct communication with DH's ex once. Something to the effect of "yes, we'll be going hiking on Saturday, so some good shoes, and as there is a chance of rain, she should bring a rain slicker." And I got my head bit off!!!

Never again. But it didn't mean that DH knew what was going on for the weekend. He just doesn't work that way (you'd think the Ex would know that). So basically, DH's ex fumed for the next 10 years when he didn't get back to her or got the info wrong. And I stayed out of it.

But even further, this wall where I was not ever to stray over, did affect my feelings somewhat for SD. I became much more hands off than I might have been if the EX hadn't been so quick to take offense. Not so warm, not so maternal, not so caring. It is hard to feel invested in a kid when you fear a backlash if you say that something that will keep her dry on a hike for Pete's sake.

If your Ex's GF is a live in, she is the one who is probably shopping for the food, cooking the food, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and planning for your little girl's weekend. And then to be told that despite doing all this, don't communicate with the biomom because biomom will get bent out of shape can be tough.

My advice: get bent out of shape should you hear anything where your DD is not be well treated. From all that you have said, it seems that the GF has a heart big enough to warmly welcome your DD, and that she is treating DD wonderfully. Be glad for that, and think carefully before you slam the door on it. The one who will suffer is your DD.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 8:54AM
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what a nice post, barb! How much of what is going on is our perception of things...

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 9:33AM
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True Barb, that's why I'm not saying anything to her, him, or my DD. I'm venting here :)

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 12:51PM
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I just wanted to say that from being on the other side of the fence maybe when she said "gentle reminders work" for the nose picking, maybe she was just telling you what they've been doing so you know they've been doing something and not actually trying to tell you what to do.

Sometimes BM contacts my BF about their DD's issues and he'll hand me the phone and ask me to txt her back about what we need, what we are doing, or whatever the question is, bc as someone else said, I'm the female of the house, and naturally I'm the one who knows what is up. The fact that the only tie he HAS to have with you anymore is the child, maybe now that he's got the new lady in his life he's delegated the task of you to her. To him you are now just work really.

Also the BM in my situation has done exactly what you are doing with not allowing the DD's to talk to me, and trying to block them from it and causing a lot of confusion for them. They really like me and tell me they love me, and sometimes they cry to me about how mean their BM is about me. But in ur situation if her and X get married eventually wouldn't you rather the DD is in a healthy situation where the SM can love her unconditionally despite her annoying chipperness instead of approaching anything she does with her in fear of how you will react therefore not giving your child 100 percent? I think children deserve 100 percent from everyone in their lives. I ignore BM's actions, to me trying to cause the children to not like me shows she is petty and bitter. By attempting to cause a block there and trying to keep your DD from talking to her, you may sabotage yourself and make DD mad at you like my BF's DD's are towards their BM. Kids are smart, if she was a bad person your DD would pick up on it.

Maybe she really loves your daughter, maybe she's a bit of a airhead, or one of those chipper people you want to punch at 7 am who are bright and sunny and doesn't realize her enthusiasm is stepping on your toes, who knows, but you should have a big girl talk (or email session) with her and squash your concerns and tell her what is bugging you, without fighting about it, and let her tell you what her intentions are. Say "I am not trying to start anything here, but I have some concerns and I'd love it if you can hear me out so we can meet halfway or something". Totally does not mean you are friends, just means you are adults. If you do not communicate with her and establish boundries she will never know. BM refuses to talk to me about her issues, she just likes to smack talk, and we are in small town too so I get to hear all about it, so we will never squash it till she grows up. Give it a shot, you may be much more relaxed! =)

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 5:19PM
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barb, I don't suggest silvers talks to GF about her feelings. It will come across wrong, and I bet you GF will read it, laugh, show to silver's ex and they would both laugh. GF will tell her friends how BM is all jealous, who needs that? Ex lives far away, sees his DD very occasionally and it is not going to be pick up drop off weekly situation, so why bother telling her? Better vent here but don't let anyone IRL know.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 6:54PM
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Yeah, I hear you Barb, but I don't agree. I'm not just work to X, he calls me to "chat" pretty often, lol. So it's not him delegating or trying to get away from the nitty-gritty day-to-day duties of childcare.

I just don't have anything concrete to say to her. Um... I can just imagine it:

Dear WBSM,
Can we talk? I'm a bit irritated that you said you've been gently reminding DD not to pick her nose. That insinuates that I haven't been, and is irritating to me. Also, could you please not comment on every single FB status I post? That is also annoying. Thanks. I'm sure we'll be great partners in raising my DD.

Truth is, there's really nothing to say, and in light of everyone else here and their problems, not even an issue except for my own little petty annoyed feelings.

I'm not slamming the door on anyone. But I do think I will moniter the phone calls a bit more.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 11:08PM
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Oh if he's calling you all the time to chat, then that is a whole issue in itself, and probably making her feel insecure if she knows he is chatting you up, and that is probably why she's stepping in where she shouldn't if he's not asking her to respond. I only txt when BF asks me to, and BM doesn't even know it's me, he does all the talking and emailing, in 1 1/2 years I've been with him me and BM have never spoken and they were divorced for 2 years before me and BF met. In my situation the BM is really just work for my BF, constant drama, drunk calls, etc, I feel bad for her, but she cheated A LOT and he finally left and she wants her family back together, though she's dating two other guys, still cheating and drunk calls BF her X about advice on her cheating situation, then begs him to let her move back in. lol So I have a totally different scenario than you have going on, doesn't sound like you are a drama queen like this BM I'm dealing with. I wasn't saying tell her all your emotions towards her or anything, just suggesting setting boundries with her about not responding to your messages to him bc you'd like to keep in direct contact with the father ya know, which I personally think is healthy for the birth parents to stay in communication. But it sounds like you have some kinda hot mess on your hands, and just venting it out is good, that's why I found my way here! =) Remove her from facebook for real though! If she asks why you did, I doubt she will, just tell her you decided you wanted to keep your facebook reserved for close friends only, I said that one time to a boss I removed, she was fine with it. =)

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 9:55AM
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I said in a very beginning of this thread that the whole problem is with being facebook friends, GF does not email or call OP, she only contacts on facebook since she is a "friend", why wouldn't she? I think it was a mistake to include ex's new partner as a facebook friend.

I like my ex's wife but I don't care to monitor what she is doing in her life or her follow up on my activities. she comments on the facebook because she can and it is made available for her.

It would be rather silly to tell her "even though I made you a friend, I don't want you to post anything".

I think all of this could be easily solved.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 10:54AM
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X doesn't call me to talk about his relationship. We don't talk to one another about our relationships. WBSM does tell me to tell my DH hello, as they've known each other forever. My DH says "hi" back.

FD, you ask why she wouldn't contact on FB? But if she doesn't contact IRL why should she contact ad nauseum on FB? There is no reason to post to every single thing I post. 99% of my friends don't do that!! I don't post to everything my friends post. It's just weird, IMO.

Barb, I don't need to tell her I want to make direct contact with dad because he and I do talk often. There's absolutely nothing for me to say to her. (although X has told other members of our family that she is "moving too fast" and that he's trying to remove himself a bit). LOL.

I personally would rather keep her closer so I can see what's going on... I guess that's the door I want to keep open so I shouldn't complain about the flies, eh?

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 11:33AM
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she does not contact IRL because you never called her or email, but you made her "a friend" on a facebook that is an invitation on contacting you and checking up what you are up to. It is weird, agree, but it is no more weird than making her a friend on a facebook when you don't really want to communicate to her in the first place.

you seem to be happy his GF is moving too fast and he is trying to remove himself. They live together, how is he considering her to move too fast and how is he going to remove himself?

I think it is wrong of him to share it with people who are reporting it to you. My XMIL is very fond of me and always liked to complain how ex's personal life sucks. I never took it at the face value because her judgment is clouded by comparing everyone to me.

Ex knows it and we always laugh that exparents-in-law never got over me and nothing will ever be good enough in comparison. I love them but do not trust their judgment since they are very bias.

Plus if your ex is known for being a serial cheater, I would not trust anything he says about his current GF or about anything for that matter. What he does in his personal life effects your daughter, I don't understand why you are rejoicing over the fact. I wonder if there is more to the story of your feelings towards GF, I wonder if it truly is about DD or more about ex moving on and maybe being happy?

PS unfaithful people have intimacy/commitment issues, so the fact she thinks she is moving too fast means very little here.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 12:42PM
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"you seem to be happy his GF is moving too fast ... I don't understand why you are rejoicing over the fact."
Wait! Because I said LOL you think I'm "rejoicing" and "happy"? That's a pretty thin stretch of imagination :) I DO think it's funny however.

"I would not trust anything he says..."
Who says I trust him? I've said above and on other recent posts that I take what he says with a iceberg-sized grain of salt. I just said that to point out that she is "moving too fast" on me, and on him. I think she has "move too fast" issues;)

"I think it is wrong of him to share it with people who are reporting it to you."
Probably he shouldn't do what he's doing. He tells my parents things about his relationship that they then tell me. If he doesn't want me to know something, he probably shouldn't be telling my parents. His parents wouldn't tell me something if they had a subpoena.

X seems happy. That makes me happy because he gets off my back. Also, since WBSM and DH have known each other forever it's made my life a lot easier because he's gotten off my back a lot since they've been dating (almost 1 year now) and she likes my DH so she's spoken well of him to X and X has calmed down quite a bit. So I'm grateful for that.

I think you're seriously grasping at straws. I was happy to divorce my X as there were several issues before I found out his cheating ways and when the straw broke, I was ready. I had contemplated divorce for years but thought I wasn't working hard enough or trying enough or whatever. There is no love lost, honestly.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 3:22PM
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Actually he might be moving too fast, it hasn't even been a year and they already live together, ouch. Reminds me of my ex who never dates just moves in or marries.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2010 at 8:09AM
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Yeah, you assume a little much. She's the one who moved in. He owns his home, she was living with mom. He didn't want her to move in (so I hear) but she kept sleeping over until it ended up being full time.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2010 at 9:59AM
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I said they already live together, I certainly did not assume anything. Just go by what you said. It does not matter who moves in and whose house it is, people move in together, that's what I meant. Way too early in my books, and too silly blaming GF for it just because of gossips and rumors. He has a child, not her. But of course he didn't want to, she moved in against his will and made his address her own ;0)

Yeah...You keep contradicting yourself- keep trusting everything you hear from people about your ex's personal life and then keep saying he cannot be fully trusted.

he just started a relationship with this woman and it sounds like she is pretty decent yet you find everything wrong with her even things that are not wrong or are just rumors, or not her fault and you don't even know her that well. Are you sure you not holding a torch for him? ;) I don't even understand why is her presence bothering you so much. Heck maybe even moving in together so fast is not a bad idea, maybe they are truly a good match.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2010 at 4:20PM
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Ok, lol. You're right. She's a dear, and he's the one who got away.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2010 at 10:22AM
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