Who needs to know?

silverswordMarch 29, 2011

That last comment on the 'stepkids are a blessing' got me thinking.

It was suggested that if a parent prepares their child good enough there is no reason to tell the other adults in the child's life of physical issues that might come up while away from home.

I don't understand this way of thinking and completely disagree. In my opinion it's the parent's job to make sure the child is safe.

If my dd had her period or became sexually active (or I suspected either might be coming soon) I would tell her father. Not because I particularly want him to know but because it will help keep the lines of communication open and protect my daughter.

I would also tell my parents because DD spends extended amounts of time with them and I wouldn't want them to be caught off guard...

As a side note, young girls who become women are INCREDIBLY moody and I would want my DD cut a little slack rather than be treated as if she's simply being a little grouchy brat because she's not able to navigate the hormones yet.

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I always told my ex about whatever changes in whatever aspects of DD's life, medical, educational, he did the same. I was in charge of her health care, she was on my health insurance, and ex was in charge of DD's dental care, she was on his dental insurance. Of course we also had access to medical information through insurance plans or talking to doctors directly, but it was much easier if we just told each other what's going on.

Some events I was informed about first, some events ex knew ahead of me, whoever knew something first informed the other. It is common sense. (Of course I told ex when DD got her period because it started on my watch. But he was prpeared that it could come on his watch-then he woudl ifnrom me, he was not oblivious to female anatomy, and DD was older when she started, so it was expected).

Well neither one of us informed the other about DD's being sexually active. DD was not sexually active as a child.

I think the reason some parents might not share is generally lack of communication between them or lack of involvement on one parent's part. I guess more both parents are involved easier is to solve the issues, also if a child is equally involved with both, then a child would share some info on his/her own.

I think it is strange that one parent is somehow in possession of all the information and the other knows nothing? I have never been in such situation but i guess if I was, i would raise a question why doesn't the other parent know anything?

Why doesn't he/she knows about school/health? Also why isn't a child sharing with them? Are they uninvolved? Are they not making an effort? If he'she is not involved why do they want to know? etc etc I see how a full time parent could get fed up with NCP not making an effort. There is always more to the story.

Ideally both parents are involved and both share and discuss with each other whatever changes their chidlren go through. But that's ideally...In reality there is a lot of dysfunction takes place.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2011 at 4:04PM
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I agree with you Silver --it's both of our responsibilities to tell the other about something like that. I know exdh won't tell me but I will definitly be letting him know. Dd isn't close enough to him to be comfortable in letting him know.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2011 at 11:40PM
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myfampg, I am not surprised your DD would not tell her dad or SM what's bothering her. After the way they treat her...

On the other hand it is understandable some girls would feel too shy to tell their dad what's bothering them, but they would tell a SM (or grandma or sister or other female) if they are close to her and know her well. At least give some hints.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 7:27AM
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and some kids are too embarrassed to share that "stuff" with anyone....I know its a hard concept for you to understand but there is a stigmatism attached to having a period that some girls learn very early on ... not sure if you ever heard it but having a period is a not as wonderful as mother nature makes it out to be.

its wonderful how progressive you are/were in raising your own daughter and wonderful you had open communication with your ex regarding your daughter ......

if life were so easy that everyone put the child first instead of trying to one up the other parent and make it all about them. You should know your daughter... you should be aware ...

my SD wears/uses pad 3 weeks a month unless someone inspects the trash how is anyone suppose to keep track.

Isn't it wonderful how intune you would be to a 10 yr old that your first thought would be oh she's got her period not the flu or diarrhea or some other stomach thing going on .... I am sure your first thought would be oh she's got her period ... how progressive of you to have such fore thought on preteens. Bet all your work with special needs kids prepared you to be so aware of a 10 yr olds bodily functions ... wow to be so brilliant one can only dream.

Really wish you could see outside of your "reality" .

"some" of your comments are really ignorant.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 9:59AM
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:\ ....zips lips, cleans up coffee splatter. Slowly backs away from thread for a few...ya know you just opened up the 'beat the horse with a stick until he's not just dead but really truly very dead... LOL. Well said by the way, I think at times some of us get waaaaaaayyyyy too judgemental and fail to (or refuse to) look at things with both sides of the hand... therefore developing a problem seperating 'our world' experiences and personal views/opinions, getting stuck without a ladder to peer over the fence into someone else's reality.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 10:23AM
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I never told my dad when I was on my cycle. I was embarrassed as I know DD probably will be at that time too.

Mother nature sucks lol

I spit coffee too...

I agree pseudo that some parents (especially in my situation) will keep info to one up the other parent.

My ex will do that to me ... I have no doubt of dd starts at his house, I will not know until dd comes home and tells me. I always share info with ex and he never responds but I am trying to show him that I would like him to share the same info with me. For example: I will email him to let him know that dd is home sick and went to the doctor. He never responds but I would hope that if dd gets sick with him, he will do the same... I want to know if my child is sick. I would think he would want to know also.... Maybe not. But I'm gonna tell him any way

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 12:00PM
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This is has been a topic between DH and I. He has 2 girls 14(will be 15 in June)and 13. He asked their mom last year if the oldest had started her cycles yet. She was not happy he asked personal information and then told him no she is a dancer and will start late. So last month the 13yr old was complaing her stomach was cramping, so she did not want to go to her game. She asked for motrin, I gave it to her and asked her if she had started yet. She said no but I still wonder. I know BM will not inform us, I keep supplies in their bathroom just in case, but I think it would be helpful is she would at least communicate better about these things.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 12:05PM
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"On the other hand it is understandable some girls would feel too shy to tell their dad what's bothering them, but they would tell a SM (or grandma or sister or other female) if they are close to her and know her well. At least give some hints."

LMAO. Dad and DD were both down for the count. He didn't even know until the next day what had happened. It was just me, my SM and SD. So dad wasn't around to tell. But I was. How about if she said "I have cramps". Is that a big enough hint?

I'm just the IDIOT who didn't realize that "I have cramps" = I have my period. Why? Because I never imagined that would be happening to a 10 year old. And the rest of the house, including me, was sick. (I was just less sick) And she has a rather weak stomach.

So she wasn't hinting. She was communicating. I just didn't understand what she was saying. If an adult woman or a teenager said "I have cramps" I'd sympathize and offer the typical remedies.

*currently wiping coffee off of desk, lamenting my choice of light colored pants*

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 1:18PM
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Sorry ladies but I find her ignorance just plain rude some times all under the guise of " I am not a SM" "had a wonderful relationship with ex" ... but yet comes here complaining about how strangely attached her BF and his DD are to each other. Sees everything one-way hers.

She's been around long enough to know and to think wow there really are women and men out there like that but instead she tries to turn it around on the poster to feel they did something wrong ....so then op starts defending themselves and feeling stupid because for her its a "non-issue" and when asked directly asked what she would do ...ignores direct questions.

If the neighbors 10 yr old came to a sleepover at your home and started having "stomach pains" ...furthest thing in my mind would be oh she's 10 I bet she's getting her period.

The COMMON SENSE thing to do is tell anyone who might spend anytime with your child hey "she's got her period".

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 1:48PM
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It's diet pepsi this time..

My daughter will be 10 in a little over a month and I am positive grandma or aunt or even SM would not think ** it's her period** if DD said *stomach hurts* they would think food poisoning or virus...

I agree.. Period.

I come here because I DON'T get along with my ex and his wife and I like to 1. Vent 2. Get ideas of how I should handle situations in a *non perfect* environment because I DON'T get along. It would be a lot easier if I did ... I wouldn't need ideas on how to speak, walk, talk, email, text in their direction. I would already know how since we would already be getting along.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 6:42PM
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I think it is sad when parents do not inform each other. Why some exes do not co-parent, I do not know, it depends on individual situation, I can't resolve it here. Was I expected to resolve the issue here of exes failing to cooperate? Some never got over their divorce, some never made amends, some never made an effort, who knows... Ideally everyone gets along and does the right thing. But that's not the reality. That's my point, what's the argument about?

I don't agree reference to neighbor kid though, surely we have different relationship with our own kids than with neighbors? I sure know my niece better than a neighbor kid? I would hope.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 7:02PM
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If parents are supposed to know their own kids the best, then should I, as SM, feel obligated to share anything about SS with either BM or DH? I'm the adult who spends far and away the most time with him (because of the extra hours in the morning and afternoon while DH is at work, and we're generally all together in evenings and weekends). If I notice that SS gets horrible diarrhea from eating garlic, for example, should I feel that information is best kept to myself because DH and BM "should" know that since he's their child, or should I tell them so that SS doesn't have to suffer needlessly, and assume that there is at least a possibility that a modest eight year old is not going to be overjoyed with the prospect of discussing personal digestive issues with anyone if he doesn't have to?

I've got to think I'd be a control freak of the worst kind if I felt the need to not divulge information which A) SS might be embarrassed to talk about and which B) had come to my attention because I spend the most time with him. How could not telling possibly be in SS's best interests?! I can't imagine intentionally or neglectfully putting SS into an unpleasant situation because I had some bug up my rear about whether or not DH or BM should have, could have, would have known - I would simply make sure they did know. I don't really see why on earth a reasonable person would do otherwise.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 10:38PM
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LOL. No one expected you to mediate anything PO1. Nor resolve anything.

I vented about my non-understanding of how a mother could refrain from telling us about her daughter's physical condition and you created an offense because 1) dad should know and 2) if he didn't he wasn't around enough and 3) if he wasn't around enough it was his fault and 4) no one should tell me anything because I'm the babysitter and 5) even if I were the babysitter I should have known because 6) if I were close to SD at all I could have figured it out.

Mattie, you hit the nail square. "I can't imagine intentionally or neglectfully putting SS into an unpleasant situation because I had some bug up my rear about whether or not DH or BM should have, could have, would have known..."

Me neither.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 12:40AM
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mattie, that would be horribly selfish to not inform whoever needs to know about child's health conditions. It would be awful. I sure hope people care enough about their children to inform the other parent. Unfortunately some parents are not cooperating and it is a shame. I believe it effects children in a very negative way.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 12:51AM
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Round and round the mulberry bush....

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 12:52AM
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I always said parents need to inform one another about issues pertaining to their children. I personally did just that as a parent. I did not create offense I just raised the question how this lack of co-parenting reflects other issues between mom/dad and dad/kid. I don't recall saying you are a babysitter, I said mom did not send a kid to a babysitter, she went to her own father ...

We can't control how other people parent. SDs BM is crazy. And SO never says NO. I have no control over it. I have no problem blaming my SO for bad parenting decisions. LOL I am the first to say his parenting skills suck. He is as much at fault as his ex.

I think it is rarely one person's fault. I think in your situation both parents are not doing what they could/should.

But should parents inform each other? Of course they should.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 1:11AM
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I just don't agree PO1. Sorry silver i'm going around the bush again..the other way lol

I can 100% guarantee when DD starts no one will know but me (BM) and it will be my responsibility to tell BD or SM or DH about it or they will never know.

DD went to the dr this week for an illness requiring medication and if I didn't notify BD he would not know that DDs medication needs to be refrigerated and would need to be administered at times X and Y. Not because he isn't involved or close to DD but because she is almost 10 and isn't responsible for her own healthcare, I am and BD is and unless I tell him what the dr said he won't know since I'm the one that took her. I honestly feel it's the same thing... He won't know unless I the BM tells him. I won't know what is going on with DD at his house unless BD tells me ... I am very close to my child but I don't always know everything unless I'm told by BD just because DD might not think to say 'hey MOM' three days ago this happened to me or whatever... She is not a teenager and at that point DD should be able to communicate with me things that are happening with her at BDs and vice versa.

In silver's situation... She was just venting.. BM doesn't communicate ... In a perfect world, BM would have notified either adult ( doesn't matter which adult- I honestly don't think that matters here) even in my crazy horrible situation, I would contact SM if I thought she was the one that would be with DD on that particular day. I often copy her on my emails because I respect that she is the one that is responsible for my child when my child goes to her dad's. I don't like that much because of my situation but since my child's welfare is so important, I swallow my pride and accept that in their family, SM is the go to.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 8:16PM
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myfampg, I think we have the same opinion on the issue. I don't think we disagree at all. Parents absolutely MUST inform each other. I think it is stupid and selfish do not communicate children's needs to each other. I never said otherwise.

It is just the whole dynamic in that particular family is different, few short visits a year is not like intensive involvement. No one knows each other enough, you can't get to know anyone in that little time together. I think everyone could do more work there, by everyone I mean mom and dad, SM is not responsible in mediating unsuccessful co-parenting. I think if my ex was that minimally involved I would be shocked to know that he or his wife complain about my parenting even though I am the only one who does it!!!. Maybe BM forgot, did anyone even ask her? That's why I think everyone there could do more work to improve their communication and parenting. It doesn't just happen by itself. Your situation does not apply here.

if it is just venting about BM, that's fine. We all need to vent. Our BM is nuts too.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 9:13PM
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How's the view Myfam?

No, PO1, I didn't ask BM why she didn't tell us. I feel that would have been unnecessary. And you've insinuated we aren't close enough to A) be told and B) to figure it out on our own because C) my DH isn't making enough effort. I don't have to read between the lines. You spell it out pretty clear.

What the heck else would I be doing other than just venting???? Aside from the occasional ah-ha! moment when someone shares something worthwhile I'm sure as heck not going to get much else of value from this forum. Surely defending myself and having to explain every little detail so you may judge me is not of incredible worth.

And btw, everyone complains. Even married birthparents will complain about how the other one parents. Believe me. I wasn't always a SM and I'm around a lot of people who never divorced yet have kids and don't agree how they should be raised.

Your redundant insistance that there could be more communication is getting old.

I get it. You think my DH doesn't see his daughter enough. We both agree with you.

You think he could make more effort. I agree with you.

You think we could communicate more. Couldn't we all? I think we all agree with that.

I think SM's can do a lot, and SF's, to improve communication in a household. My DH has done a lot to smooth the edges of our tri-parenting we do here. It's me, dad, and sf. All three of us. Co-parenting my DD.

BM's relationship with DH has improved immensely since we've been together. I'm not going to take full credit as time does heal wounds, but I have been told by both of them that I am a calming presence in their lives and good for SD.

So yes, our family is not perfect. Yes, we could do more.

Please stop beating the dead horse. It's getting old. Please understand your verbage is combative and unnecessary.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 9:48PM
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I don't think we have the same opinion because you are saying that Silver's DH doesn't know his child well enough to know or that BM shouldn't have had to tell BD that his daughter was on her cycle because his daughter should have been able to communicate that to him 'if they had a closer relationship'. That's where I disagree.

DD went to work with me and DH today because she wasn't well enough to return to school. She spent the majority of her day in his office ... Not mine because she is close to him and had fun with him ... But when she had to go pee she came to me to take her or to tell me because she didn't want to tell him.. Embarrassed .. No matter how close to him she was today, there are some things a girl is still embarrassed to share with her dad or stepdad.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 11:19PM
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myfampg, BM MUST tell dad about things and dad MUST tell BM about things. I absolutely do not disagree at all. Why would I disagree if that's how I personally did things?

I just have an opinion that what's happening is a reflection of the whole dynamics, and it could be improved by both parties.

It comes from experience. I and ex did not co-parent successfully right after divorce, it was pretty difficult at first. And my ex is not cooperating type so to build a decent communication was like pooling teeth. Since it-s been many many years ago, DD is 23 and was 4 then, I don't want to take time here to discuss. But there was no one for us to ask or give advice. We did not know anyone divorced and there was no Internet. And yes there were phone calls to each other with questions back and forth "why didn't you tell me XYZ?" "why are you showing up to pick DD at 7AM on Saturday rather than 7PM on Friday?" "why did you change plans". We did not have Internet to vent we actually called each other and simply asked. And sometimes asked 5 times same thing. And then we both got it and it clicked and we became co-parents! Heck from what I see my ex is way more difficult person than the BM in the story. I wish there was someone to help.

Also I said before girls might be embarrassed to tell dad even if they live with dad (I wish sometimes my SDs were embarrassed of something LOL these two say everything to their dad), I just thought that girls would tell SM or grandma. Maybe because i am dealing with adults who say everything to me since the day they met me. They have the opposite problem of OP's SD (not being close), these two ARE TOO CLOSE and lack normal boundaries. "ladies I don't need to know".

Everybody is different and every family has its own crazy dynamics. Mine is crazy too.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2011 at 6:31AM
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--"And then we both got it and it clicked and we became co-parents!"--

Yeah, simple as that.

Hmmm, now not only are all females alike (apples/cars), all situations and people are exact situations and exact people because afterall they are apples/cars/situations/people.

Give that lady a new stick this one seems to have whacked the wrong direction and missed the horse. Words seem to be flowing from both sides of the mouth. 'You can all solve your problems/issues JUST LIKE I DID, EXACTLY THE WAY I DID BECAUSE I AM PERFECT, EXPERIENCED, AND AFTER ALL ALL KNOWING AND WISE AND IF YOU WERE ALL ME AND YOUR EX'S ALL CLONES OF MINE YOU'D HAVE NO PROBELMS' (bows to the all mighty one)... and yet strangly follows up with --" Everybody is different".

'Experience' says just pick up that phone and communicate, communicate blah blah until one whips that puppy into shape. Problem solved. Oh wait, that was PQ1's world.

PO1, I actually 'get' what you are trying to say. Actually if we all lived in the perfect world of sunshine and roses full of 'perfect' people communication and cooperation is the key to successful co-parenting...

...but this is just plain naive and offensive... "Heck from what I see my ex is way more difficult person than the BM in the story. I wish there was someone to help."

I was not aware that you knew every last little detail of Mr Silver and Ex Mr Silver, their personalities, faults and positives, their individual and co-attempts along with successes and possible failures of attempts. That you knew them personally and were able to perform a analyzation for a comprehensive profile of each and their situation.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2011 at 8:32AM
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justmetoo, I think you misread. I just explained that it was not simple at all, it was like pulling teeth and pulling my hair out. It clicked only after we both went through bunch of this or that, arguments, disagreements. It was never perfect, it just started somewhat working at some point. We've been divorced for 20 years. My point is it was a lot of work on both parts to make it work (or at least semi resemble some decent co-parenting for the sake of a child). It is difficult to explain here but I was not describing ideal situation, heck if it was ideal I would still be married to my ex.

My point was: things don't magically happen, exes don't start communicating productively all of a sudden, kids don't magically become close to their parents, reluctant CPs don't magically decide to cooperate, visitation rights don't magically get exercised, IT TAKES WORK. On my part it was primarily work on putting up with his crap and on his part consistent effort to be a decent father. Was it easy? NO.

True I don't know BM here, but silvers said she is nice or not so bad or something of the sort. My ex is pretty crazy, unreliable, workaholic and is not very considerate. That's why he is ex. I put up with load of crap. It was worth it in a long run.

And yes i do have life experience. I talk about what i know. Yes I believe we did a good job as co-parents. That's why I can advice others because I cried a bucket of tears over the years. I don't advice others on managing their finances, that's where I suck very bad. I listen what others have to say on that.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2011 at 5:03PM
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None of my business, PO1, but I'll ask anyway just because I'm nosy...from what I've read over the last couple years your ex has a good relationship with his daughter (at least now). I get the impression she adores him, no? Was she unaware of the constant struggles going on behind the scenes (out of her eye and ear shot)? How he'd go from jerk #ss to decent dad? Numerous phone calls could not have been the sole magic key. As said, I'm just being nosy, and you don't have to answer...but if you all but had to reinvent the guy, what kind of role model has he been in your daughter's life?

I do realize (no matter if I toss a stone your way occassionally LOL...sometimes it's just the way you come across not what you're actually trying to say KWIM?) that you've given motherhood and our responsibility as a mother you're absolute all. Sorry to hear the guy made you cry bucks over the years You seem to have found some peace and happiness with your new partner at last. Which brings another nosy question which is also none of my business...do the girls (SO's and yours) see each other and have any kind of relationship?

    Bookmark   April 1, 2011 at 5:28PM
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No problem answering justmetoo.

Ex was always a decent father although he became a better one over the years. My ex was 20 when DD was born, he didn't know much, he is generally a better person now, so am I. I never had to make him be involved though, he always was hands-on type of dad from the moment DD was born, he was never a jerk in regards to DD. He is generally family man like doing things with kids, take them places, travel with them, etc

It is hard to explain here, he is just generally not very reliable, like never remembers right dates, forgetting things, sends things on wrong days (bought tickets to attend DD's college graduation for a wrong date), promised things then forgot 100 times. I mean kind of small things (as DD says "dad is being dad" LOL) but over the years if you count small things it is a pain...

As about keeping DD out of it, yes DD was kept completely out of anything with the exception. i had ONE argument with ex that DD overheard. My ex had to give me a copy of somehting important for DD's college acceptance and as always he mixed up dates. That was the time when I forgot DD was in the other room and I yelled on the phone. It sucked. It was ONE time though. She was grown already yet she was not too happy..

Now I probably exaggerated about tears. i meant tears over making this dumb parenting work, not him as a man. We were only married for 5 years in young age. Much time passed. We are friends, we don't need to co-parent, DD has her own separate relationships with us.

As about SO's girls. Both his and mine live FAR form us and very far from each other. when they visit it usually happens on different dates. SDs and DD usually visit all at once on Christmas, other visits don't match, it is impossible to match them due to girls work/school schedules. YSD and DD actually went to the same high school, but they weren't friends, just knew each other. I would not call what they have a relationship due to geographical distance. When we became serious all girls were already adults and out of the house, and out of state (YSD was here but recently left as well). They are decent when they see each other on rare occasion but not much else. DD is going to visit in August, and there is a possibility OSD will be here with the new baby but again no guarantee it will happen on the same dates.

Sorry long..I have a flu, SO is on a business trip, lay sick in front of TV and type away LOL

    Bookmark   April 1, 2011 at 8:11PM
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"from what I've read over the last couple years your ex has a good relationship with his daughter (at least now)."

He always had good relationship with DD. Whatever stupidity I am talking about is nothing to do with their relationship. It was primarily about us negotiating with each other first few years after divorce. He was always a decent father. Role model?..I don't know, never thought about it. He is not a very considerate person. But DD was always very insightful from young age, she knows we are not perfect. There are things she appreciates we did/do for her. She is my only child but ex has FOUR total and he finds right place in his life for everyone. I appreciate my ex for being a good father to his children. I hope it makes it up for me calling him a jerk earlier. LOL

    Bookmark   April 1, 2011 at 8:34PM
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