Washing clothes

pseudo_momMarch 23, 2010

Some of you might remember my battle with kids doing laundry after bedtime!!! was a long drawn out post a few years ago.... basically I was told I was wrong by a few posters and other supported my decision either way ....

Well last night we had the same battle !!!!!

SS came home at 9PM from afterschool stuff ... meetings and a junior acheivement type event ...

Hadn't done his homework so he started to do his homework ... ate a snack at 10 dad says bedtime .... at 11pm he is heading downstairs with laundry to wash ... mom had called "make sure you bring jeans back here" ... so off he went to do laundry, well we have moved we now live in an apartment ... we have upstairs neighbors.

Hubby stops him at the door says what are you doing? SS says well mom said I have to bring my clothes back so I am going to wash them and bring them back ...washing starts at 11 over at midnight dries for an hour so he is up till atleast midnight... now because mom said afterall her word is gold !!

Hubby tells him ... well you should have planned better you knew you weren't going to be home tonight afterschool you should have washed your clothes yesterday when you had freetime or not gone to tonights events ... go back to bed and if you want those clothes clean to take to moms get up early enough so you can do the wash in the morning and Ill be them in the dryer before I leave .... 10 minutes later mom is calling dad ... she wants those clothes !!! He told her to come by tomorrow at 7 am and pick them up and wash them herself because he is not running the washer and dryer at 11pm just because you want something done.

She hangs up with hubby calls kid ... kid comes out again to walk down the stairs to wash the clothes. Mom said she didn't care how they get done I just better have them when she picks me up... so hubby tells him to go to bed and gets on the phone with her at now 11:30 and tells her to stop demanding he defy him because he will not know who to abide by

Hubby cannot punish him for defying him and listening to his mother. (double standard) ...

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My response:

Sorry BM, this is your rule, you enforce it at your house. (If this happened at my house, SS would be waking up early or going home with a bag of dirty clothes.)

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 12:17PM
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wow your kids do their own laundry???? Mine arent allowed near my laundry room. They turn everything pink or stain it with lip gloss. No thanks.
Why are you allowing BM to dictate what is happening in your home? Send son home with dirty stuff and dont worry about it. Also, have son hand phone over at ? time and not let him use it till next morning. Then mom can bug his voicemail and not your household.
Moms harassing son and being a control freak. Take away her control.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 12:39PM
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Ditto what pinkhill said. If it's that important, let him do his laundry at her place. Also, late night phone calls should also be out unless it's a genuine emergency and dirty laundry is no emergency.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 12:45PM
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NO no no ... we allow the children to call mom whenever they want to even if its 2 am ... :) There is no restriction on calling mom whenever you feel like it :) Just has to be done in your room :) if they want to keep her on the phone for hours!! have a good time again just do it from your room.

Yes they do their own laundry ... 12th birthdays they get a laundry basket ... can't yell at me when you have nothing to wear.

I know its a control issue ... we have our rules and she has hers ... but when she gets a hair across her butt ... this is what we deal with ... and we show no emotion just follow our rules at our home.

But we won this battle ladies!!! ... last time it carried on till 2 am!!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 12:55PM
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My house -- my rules.
(hang up phone)

Repeat as needed.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:06PM
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If he cant do laundry at your house, undertand Junior Achievement, how proud parents must be, or dad do for him, then he should not be sleeping over there.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:18PM
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I agree. Dad should do laundry for him. What kind of kid are you raising there? What kind of parents are you that won't let your SS do his laundry at your house?

I think the WICKED SM tiara goes to Pseudo.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:25PM
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I think the issue here kkny is that bm is calling late at night and making demands! In an apartment building it is not always appropriate do do laundry at 11pm if the noise can be heard in other peoples apartments.

And what is crazy is that bm is telling the kid at 11pm to do laundry whether his father likes it or not!?! Who the heck is she to tell him that he can disobey his father in his fathers home?

If the darn jeans are so important to bm she should have told him prior to 10pm the night before to wash them. Or she should have allowed them to come back to her home dirty.

Either way if it were me I would not allow bm to have so much control in my home. My kids cell phones are off at bedtime, I don't care who wants to talk to them. Psuedo deals with a lot of crap from bm and does not need bm dictating what goes on in her home. BM can only dictate in her own home.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:36PM
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lol, SD10 came home Sunday night from BM's with her shirt rolled up in her backpack... the mom's new baby spit up on it & so they stuffed the dirty shirt in her backpack. (and we didn't request her to bring it back. I would have preferred her to wash it or keep it there until it was clean, but maybe that's asking too much)

If BM wants him to bring the jeans, send the jeans. But, it's not your job to wash them first... especially on short notice and in a way that disrupts your household. I find it odd for parents to demand a child bring back certain articles of clothing... they belong to the kid and if it's an important article of clothing & there are concerns you won't get it back, don't send it. It is certainly not worth a fight so SD only leaves our house in things we could care less about getting back. Of course, it is always best if everyone can get along and not make unreasonable demands. (washing clothes at midnight to bring jeans to BM's is disruptive & unreasonable, IMHO)

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:38PM
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But Mom2, the kid is obviously working so hard! Dad must be kowtowing to SM's desires regarding laundry. The dirty jeans are the point. Not the planning ahead or establishment of house rules or respecting others in the home and general vicinity.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:40PM
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--"If he cant do laundry at your house... or dad do for him, then he should not be sleeping over there"--

oh yeah, of course, there's the answer, cease overnights, that'd be 'how things should be done' (snark)

If child is so low on clothes that he must keep others awake all night (apartment above) than my first suggestion to both DH and BM would be to buy the kid plenty of additional pairs of jeans/shirts/whatever. No excuse to have to do laundry at midnight.

If that would not be possible, try asking kid at 9pm if the clothes on his back need cleaned while there's still time. Won't hurt kid to wear pjs while doing laundry.

Then of course there was the BM could come get them at 7am, but that didn't suit BM, so I'd of tossed in another solution BM could come get them at 11pm as it appears she ups and has nothing to do but chat on the phone.

Horrors, maybe instead of not allowing SS to spend the night at dad's cause dad can't do kids laundry while on kids butt and has neighbors to think of we could think about not letting spend time at BM's cause she apparently does not have enough clothes for the child.

Sorry, KKNY, but why in the world would your first thought here be ban kid from spending night at dad's house? Why would that be the first thing that pops to your mind? I see you don't have a problem with the BM who told kid to totally defy dad in dad's own house.

Poor kid. BM says 'do this', Dad says 'no', BM says 'do it anyway'. Yep, the answer surely must be let's just ban dad from his overnight.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:52PM
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My X and his SO wouldnt let me DD do wash there either. Simple solution, she doesnt stay overnite there. works for me.

Both parents have to decide, is this home the child's home. If it is not, fine, then let go. Both parents can plan or not.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:55PM
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This statement was made by KKNY, "If he cant do laundry at your house, undertand Junior Achievement, how proud parents must be, or dad do for him, then he should not be sleeping over there."

This implies that Psuedo doesn't understand Junior Achievement and that BD and she aren't cutting him any slack by not doing for him nor allowing him to do his laundry. Aside from the fact that BM is overstepping her boundaries and trying to implement her rules in another person's home, she isn't cutting the kid much slack either.

If the BM cared more about her son's education than irritating the "Psuedo's" household, then she wouldn't be stressing him out over a pair of dirty jeans, nor would she force him to go against his father and the house rules. Finally, if she cared enough about his education and achievements, she wouldn't have him washing his clothes in the middle of the night when he should be in getting in sleep before the next school morning. Perhaps it is BM who doesn't understand Junior Achievement.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 2:58PM
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Kids clothes get dirty. When my DD came home after schoool, we'ld decide after school how to deal with it. Not ignore it.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 3:06PM
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Since posting was SS came home at 9pm from afterschool activities, I'm not sure he was home right after school to decide to wash clothes or not.

I choose not to deal with laundry on my time with grandkids. I have clothes galore here for them and they have plenty more at their own homes partly supplied by me too. I don't 'ignore' laundry, I just don't find it high on my priority list to do at odd hours of the day/night or when I'd rather be spending time with the kids.

And right, KKNY, kids get dirty. So lets say kid gets dirty while at event and now even if we were bestest of daddies and stepmommies and washed kids clothes directly after school, the kid came home dirty again and clothes are in need of washing again. At what point do you just make sure kid has enough clothes for a couple of days or more? Or are you just a slave to the laundry?

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 3:31PM
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He has plenty of clothes ... mom wanted a specific pair of jeans back ... instead of washing then a week ago or even 4 days ago or bring them back another day she wanted them TODAY ...

Well since hubby has custody ... maybe he shouldn't sleep at mom's since she is the one making demands.

He's 14 not 7 he can figure out how to use a washing machine ... its not like he has to go to a river find a decent rock and wash them on.

This is his HOME.

He got up this morning threw the clothes into the wash ... dad put them in the dryer ... mom will be picking them up in an hour .. (the jeans not the kid).

He didn't come home afterschool he had activities ... til 9 PM couldn't do them afterschool mom was the one who demanded they be done that evening.

AGAIN this is his home!!!

I went looking for the old thread couldn't find it ...

Guess what they each have a dish night without a dishwasher ... OMG the horror.

7 People in the home at any given time .... everyone can do their own laundry even SD11 does her own... Have you ever done towels for 7 people??? I do a load of towels a day sometimes 2 ... never mind the regular house laundy my washer runs atleast 3 times a day all before 9PM.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 3:34PM
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wait wait wait...

BM came over specifically to pick up a pair of 14 year old boy's jeans? Without the boy?


    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 3:43PM
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Silver I was just thinking the same thing!!

Come on KKNY defend bm wanting to pick the jeans up in the morning while the son is at school! Can't wait to hear this one! I'm sure its gonna be good!!!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 3:58PM
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whaddya mean???


(don't you know, Birth Mothers get a get-out-of-insanity-free-pass upon successfully completing childbirth)

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 4:01PM
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what did mom need jeans for if the kids is not there? How weird...

Well if he knew that laundry needed to be washed, he might have some organization skills issue. Maybe he needs some guidance and time management. It is typical to not manage well at 14.

If he did not know that laundry needed to be done that day, then he really has a great excuse: Junior Achievement and homework are way more important.

If dad was not willing to argue with mom and had to do what she says (I don't care who calls me at 11:30 and asks for what, i am not doing any laundry and am not answering the phone), then dad needs to be the one doing the laundry. If my ex decides to call at 11PM, I am not answering.

I think this is an issue between mom and dad and they have to deal with it. If mom makes crazy demands and dad complies, then let them deal with it. Not to put this kid in the middle.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 5:23PM
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Bingo FD -- My Ex is not allowed to tell me what to do in my home and when to do it -- especially when it crosses into the unreasonable.

For BM to tell DS to start a load of laundry late at night when it will inconvenience others is nervy.
But for her insist, knowing that the other parent has already said no is flat-out wrong.
The kid can wear dirty jeans / other jeans / other pants. Or wash in the morning. Or learn to plan better to avoid that type of awkward situation.

Time to pee on your trees --
(Set your boundaries and mark them.)

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 5:39PM
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The more you indulge bm in her off the wall demands the more she will place on you.

Personally I would have told her to take a long walk off a short pier over those darn pants!

Next time she calls for something stupid like that she needs to be told no by dh and the kids phones need to be turned off. Kids need sleep....why does bm have to have access to them when they should be asleep??

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 6:24PM
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"why does bm have to have access to them when they should be asleep??"

You don't remember the whole .. "limiting contact with her children fiasco" ... how I neglected her children by limiting their contact with her.... so now its ... take the conversation to your room.

I stay out of it .... he handles it she doesn't call my phone or the house phone she calls his cell ... his decision to answer it or turn it off.

I have peed on my trees so much they are flooded... :)

Its up to hubby to start peeing if he won't then I have no say in it....

I do have to say she has been "good" for several months but again no surprises anymore ... Like yabbers situation its all a cycle... have to wait for her to get off this ride.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 7:25PM
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"Its up to hubby to start peeing if he won't then I have no say in it...."

I agree it is up to DH to fix the mess, he probably does not want to rock the boat with BM. i can understand. I had to put with some craziness of my ex, so DD can have peace of mind.

But this crosses the limit of reasonable. 14-year-old boy needs to sleep at night and getting ready for school in the morning, not doing laundry (he could do laundry in a more appropriate time). dad does not want arguments with BM, he should do the laundry.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 7:52PM
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Well neither dad nor a kid ... is doing laundry at 11 pm ... all must learn to better budget their time :)

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 8:02PM
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Did mom really come by to pick up the jeans? I'm not calling you a liar, but this is just too Montel to be believed...lol... What on Earth did she say when she got there?

"Gimme the jeans, and no body gets hurt"

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 11:27PM
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She beeped he ran out side ... gave her the pants ... he came in and finished up his laundry cleaned his room, did his homework, went to his friends, came home put his clothes in the dryer ... put away groceries ... no mention of why she wanted or needed the pants .... ate dinner watched movies ... mom called a few times he got up went to his room for the call ...

other SS wanted her to take him she said no ... she didn't feel well ... other than that no clue ... I have a don't ask policy ... I guestion nothing she does ...

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 11:43PM
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...those damn pants!

I can't tell you how funny this is in my head. I can't believe you aren't rolling around on the floor gasping for air. You can't make this stuff up. (snicker-snort)

Who does that? There are so many screws loose she could start a hardware store!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 11:49PM
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My all time favorite ... was ... they came home at 3 PM starving all 3 hadnt eaten all day ... not one of them....why didn't you eat I sent a care package because she whined she couldn't take them paying too much in support couldn't buy food ... (mind you she was only on her 4th CS payment after not paying for 18 months) ... they were going to be there from 3pm to 5 pm next day all day so I sent a care package ... soups crackers, bread lunch meat, cereal (no milk but did give her $5 to get milk) 3 bags worth of food all kinds of stuff they could make on their own. Why didn't you eat? we didn't have any clean dishes .. so why didnt you wash the dishes and help her out? NO Soap to wash them thats why she dropped us off early.... next care package had dishsoap in it and taught oldest how to wash the dishes. She called hubby at work to complain about care packages ... never sent one again!!!

2nd best .. paying her to take them while we went on one of her court ordered weeks, $200 worth of food, $20 cash and a bottle of wine!!! She got laid off 2 weeks before ... She did keep them for 7 days ina row!! dropped them off at 8am the morning after we got back.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2010 at 12:07AM
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One does not need clean dishes to make a sandwich, you can use a piece of paper. this seems very strange. how old are the children? They sound very helpless! clearly mom is crazy but why didn't they eat???

If they truly kept hungry at her house why dad allows them to go there? why not file for neglect? and end visitations?

Does SD live there full time, so does she eat? OK, SSs starved but then come home and eat, but does SD continue starving? She would not be alive by now.

Could it be one of the kids' stories. Reminds me of DD opening our fridge and saying "mom we have nothing to eat". By that she meant nothing of what she likes. I often say "my fridge is empty", but it is never truly empty just no "good stuff"".

i personally would not send my children where they are starved. .If that's the case

    Bookmark   March 24, 2010 at 6:34AM
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I wouldn't have believed them ... but she had called hubby to tell them she was dropping them off early because she didn't have any clean dishes to feed them....

This was over 3 years ago now they were 8,9 & 11

Yes they are helpless ... mom programmed to think that I as their SM should do everything for them even though she at that point did nothing for them....

Things have gotten better the less I did for them the more she stepped up ... and the more they stepped up after I drilled it into their heads that I do not have to do anything for them... I do for them because I want to ... they are not my kids I am not required to do anything for them ... sounds harsh sure it does ... but after you have heard you are not my mother for the 15th time in a day I can't tell them what to do ... you know major stuff like ... stop hitting your sibling, go outside and play, clean your room, get your own drink, put your cup in the sink, .... you know I was always telling them what to do. And always asking them questions and they don't have to answer to me... major questions like ... did you brush your teeth, is your homework done? how was school, what do you want for dinner?

Again him waiting till morning to wash his clothes was a victory!!! :)

    Bookmark   March 24, 2010 at 10:00AM
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Pseudo, I tell my DD the same thing. The only thing I'm required to do as your mother is provide a roof over your head, clothing, food and education. Everything else is bonus. You have a nice room, you have nice, clean clothes, you have the kind of food you like to eat... because I WANT to provide those things for you, not cause I have to.

It is a subtle difference, but it is a difference.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2010 at 10:59AM
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Hahaha the pants issue revisited, what a crack-up!! Is anyone keeping track who gets a tick behind their name for dealing with 'those damn pants'?

I can totally relate to the phone-issue and why the kids are not restricted from using it after bedtime. In a normal situation this would be different, of course you'd say 'phones off at bedtime', but you're not in a normal situation, once again made perfectly clear, by example of a pair of pants hahaha.. Usually I don't talk to FDH about the forum much, but I could not withhold this from him :-)

You have come such a long way Pseudo, I actually think of you pretty often (don't mean to sound creepy here :-).
It does sound a bit harsh when you say that you're not required to do anything for them, but this attitude is a result from BM's actions/influence, not from your heart. And it has helped you keep sane, from which everybody benefits.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2010 at 8:33PM
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I thought imamommy's SD's pant story was the craziest, but now I think this is worse. she actually picked up SS's pants but not SS. LOL but at least there is no crazy grandma or is there?

    Bookmark   March 24, 2010 at 9:08PM
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NO grandma ... BM once said my sister doesn't like you and she would like to kick your a$$, she knows where I live tell her to come on by ... she never mentioned sister again.

I think IMA's pant story wins... they brought it up in court and asked about the "pants" for weeks.

Mine ended next afternoon.

Again :)


and thank you yabber .... I do believe it has helped me survive and keep my sanity ... by ignoring mom and her craziness ... the kids know they can't upset me anymore with the "you're not my mom" line ...it did not happen overnight ... but it happened.

The kids see the light sometimes ... still young yet but the 14 yr old is catching on ... he only wanted to please mom so she wouldn't yell at him the next time he was with her. I felt bad knowing that but ... she was wrong to make him feel that way had nothing to do with me personally.

And thats most of it ... I do not take it personally anymore ... except when I am getting yelled at for what she does ... they are told to take it up with her not me.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2010 at 11:27PM
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Pseudo just wondering when you say that sometimes you get yelled at for what BM does, do you mean the skids project BM's behavior onto you? See, I get that a lot. BM spends A LOT of money on herself, goes shopping every other day, if not every day. Always wears new clothing. She spends hundreds of dollars on the hairdressers, she has to have everything new, ALL THE TIME (including expensive appliances etc). Where all the money comes from I honestly don't know (with 4 kids and not working?).

So when I get my 3 monthly $30 trim at the hairdressers I get 'the look' from the skids, and they mention that I've gone to the hairdressers for myself AGAIN..hmm
And when I buy some clothing for myself (I might go twice a year for a top up, I'm not big on shopping) of course I've got MORE new clothes..
And when we save up for a holiday, we get lots of questions focussing on how much this would cost and how much money we could spend on other things (i.e. THEM) if we wouldn't go on holidays.

Never mind that we only have 2 rooms completely renovated at this stage; THEIR rooms. And never mind that we always take the skids when we go somewhere, this will be the first trip in 5 years that FDH and myself will go on by ourselves (to my home country in Europe). We always (and me more than FDH) get the hint that we spend all our money on ourselves!!
So I take a deep breath, and i don't try to defend myself anymore. Think what you want, the truth is out there..

    Bookmark   March 25, 2010 at 12:49AM
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"And never mind that we always take the skids when we go somewhere, this will be the first trip in 5 years that FDH and myself will go on by ourselves (to my home country in Europe)."

how about 28 year old married woman wanting to have every vacation with her dad and his GF and upset if he goes with GF alone? aren't even talking about young children...

Enjoy your trip! I've been to your homecountry briefly when i visited Aahen, Germany that is right on the border :)

    Bookmark   March 25, 2010 at 6:09AM
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No they do not question any money I spend ... but if something is bought for them here they do thank daddy for it ... and he tells them I bought it they thank me but with a snide comment well it's your money!! As if I save all my paychecks and never contribute to the house.

What I mean by getting yelled at for her behavior ... why does my mother always stick up for him/her, one blow up SS14 had mom wouldn't pick him up forwhatever reason and he wanted to go there ... so he starts yelling at me how much he does for me and the list he is rambling off was not anything I ask him to do ... he does dishes once a week and his own laundry ... telling me how he vacuums, dusts, washes the floors, gets up early saturdays to make me breakfast and I can't do one simple thing for him!!! I said you make breakfast on saturdays??? thats it you sleep here on fridays!!! he just looked at me like I had six heads.

Why does my mom do everything for other kid and not him along those lines like I am supposed to answer for her. How come she does this for that one and not for me .... no clue you have to ask her then he gets her on the phone yelling at her ... one blow up ... he called her screaming I guess she said I don't have to listen to this and he said ... well if they have to listen to this so do you!!!! I think she said something about counseling to him because he said good and I can tell someone else how you guilt trip us to doing what you want and treat us like dirt then the next minute telling us you love us like that makes it all better you can't really love us or you wouldn't treat us like your slaves always getting what you want but when we ask you for something you don't want to do it.

SS12 is always calling his mom a liar... he will call for whatever and she will answer not the answer he wants I guess and he will say ..."that's just another one of your lies" kills me because then I feel like I should tellhim not to talk to her that way but on the other hand those are his feelings should I stifle them.

The phone thing ... well that is dying out too .. because they have been granted free access mom doesn't answer the phone as often as she used to ... there is no conflict on our end call as much as you like share your day whatever no matter what time just take it in your room. Well now there are times she doesn't answer her cell the house phone, or bf's cell, so they keep calling and keep calling sometimes they leave nasty messages ... or they send text messages about her not answering the phone.... imagine 3 kids calling texting calling texting constantly ... mom must be in heaven that her children are free to contact her anytime they wish.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2010 at 11:17AM
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Psuedo I had not looked at the phone issue that way. That is great!! I had not thought about how annoyed she could get from the constant calling and texting!

And I still can not get over the fact that she was too sick to take her children but she HAD to come pick up the pants! Sometimes I guess it is better not to know why people do things!

    Bookmark   March 25, 2010 at 6:28PM
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He came home in the pants today!!!! Guess she is too sick to wash clothes ... :)

    Bookmark   March 25, 2010 at 6:40PM
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Maybe you should throw them in the wash right now! Then you can drop them back off to her in the morning. You know how she has to have them even when there is nobody around to wear them!!

    Bookmark   March 26, 2010 at 12:18AM
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Um, Pseudo? Ima's SD's grandma called. . . she'd like to pick those pants up tomorrow at 4am. Please have them clean.


    Bookmark   March 27, 2010 at 2:14AM
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"Um, Pseudo? Ima's SD's grandma called. . . she'd like to pick those pants up tomorrow at 4am. Please have them clean."


    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 10:16AM
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I know it's raining, but she's got pneumonia, so if you could just be standing in the driveway with them so she doesn't have to get out of the car, that would be great.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2010 at 10:26AM
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ROFLMAO! JNM, that was PRICELESS! And Silver, great follow-up!

I just want to throw my softball bat story in there. Although, both of the "damn pants" stories are greatness, and at least the softball bat hasn't ended up in any custody issues. However, I still think that flying a softball bat to BM for SD's supposed try-out (that never happened) is pretty ridiculous.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2010 at 3:33PM
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