Our Weekend is coming (RANT)

nikemamaMarch 17, 2009

My SS (13) lived with us for about 5 months then decided that he wanted his dad to divorce me and get a place where he and his sister could visit their dad without the "distractions" called FAMILY!!!

SS acts like such a little crap head. We spent last visit all 5 of us at my in-laws. It was DH birthday. So in the middle of the visiting DH's sisters and parents, SS has DH building bike ramps below the garden where nobody can see them. SS decides that he don't like them there and has DH MOVE them. I walked down to see how they were coming and SS is standing behind DH, DH is asking me to stay and watch but SS is throwing his hands in the air and rolling his eyes like my standing in the area is the worst possible thing in the world. We drove 80 miles one way to visit these people. DH had taken him to a BMX dirt track the day before. That kid is so stinking self centered it make me sick.

We took pictures of DH and the cake with sisters, Then one with DH and HIS kids, MIL says okay now one with me, DH and ALL the kids. SS runs off upstairs and refuses to take a picture with us. I really loved our weekends before with all the kids but now here it is just Tuesday and I am dreading it already. DH and I was talking yesterday that my two little boys(10&8) are having Football practice Saturday morning. I told DH he already knows that SS isn't going to stand for DH going to watch the boys. DH says he is going and that SS will come and it will be great. WRONG!! I can't wait to see IT hit the fan. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I would so LOVE to tell him to cut out the crap his dad is NOT divorcing me. His dad is happy and he loves ALL of us. There is no sense in acting like a jerk and ruining the weekend for everyone. It is MY weekend with MY kids too. We end up spending the whole time trying to satisfy SS, WHO CAN'T BE SATISFIED!!! The kicker is I have never done anything to hurt this kid. If he didn't like what I cooked I cooked him something else took him deer hunting for the first time. Lots of things he has no reason to hate me. AND he will tell you he Hates me...FUMES!!!

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mom_of_4

I think dear ol DH needs to quite allowing his ss to act this way. Until he puts his foot down ... it will continue. I understand he may have some issues with the divorce or new family or whatever... but that does not excuse his actions and continueing to tolerate it will only breed more poor behavior.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2009 at 4:10PM
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mom_of_2.5

I felt the same way last week.

My question to you is, what it this bad the entire 5 months he lived in your home? Was there a specific event that promted his moving out?

Last weekend was our kid weekend, and I started dreading it oh, Mon or Tue last week. By Thursday I had an all day headache, and felt ill all over. Surprisingly, it turned out to be one of his best weekends ever. I'll wish you such luck!

    Bookmark   March 17, 2009 at 6:46PM
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organic_maria

nikemama,
Focus on your kids and satisfy them. let your Dh handle is picky son. I use to try and inclue my Dh's kids as familyl.. ...well they've been taught otherwise and so i now treat them as guests in my home. Respect them as guest and if they are rude to me, i will tell them off as any other person under my household and if need be, tell them to leave...via mom or dad..but they will get out. i tolerate no disrespect from anyone..not my father...not my own child, not my husband. THEY are nothing special and are not treated in any special way. They know it.
Your SS has issues....in sharing and accepting his new family. He of course has been taught you are not his mother and do not count...
well...you are not his mother....but that doesn't mean he treats you like this.
So ...let your dh handle him. Do not include him in plans, dont set your heart on it. Let the reality bubble burst for yoru dH. Oh yah, dont count on your dh 100% to come to the game after his son takes a fit and refuses to go see it. '
You see the game and enjoy your kids and be proud of them.
When my SK start acting up, my hubby just refuses to take them. He basically tells them you are out of the pic for this weekend because of these reasons and when you are reasonable we can talk about it.
They're in their teens andi think its not a skid issue. Its a teen issue. Its a trying time for any parent. And i think your SS is 13 andhas alot of teen issues ontop of his jealousy issues.
I know you are pist off at this kid. Nothing wrong in being pist off. I've been there and done it. Cancelled 'family' pictures because they would not come. And then i basically called in a professional photographer to make an albumof my son and of us and hung it in our living room. They still look at that pic till this day. Do i feel an ounce of sorrow? NO F' way! They CHOSE, to not show for the event. THEY LOSE OUT. not me, not my son and certainly not my Dh. THEY CHOOSE not to be part of our family...no my problem. And my Dh is starting ot accpet this attitude as well. We've discussed it recently that the chances of them living with us is very slim and they way they behave at this point, i do not want them.
Both my Dh and i have decided that if in the future they decide they want to come and live with us and ditch their mom...it will be a no. We just discussed it tonight. Now depending on the circumstances...things can change. Things can happen that will nto offer us a choice to refuse them. But given the choice now, with our lives, and how they are...its a no. Mother dear has raised them for 14 years and she can continuing doing so. This is how we feel, we've been pushed to our limit. I wont go into detail. They are not bad kids. They are good, with teen issues because of how mom has raised them. And i will not clena up her mess now and i told my dh unless its a serious situation, like they are in danger, i will not clean up her mess. BM did this to her kids, let her fix it.
They do not listen to their dad, nor respect him. They visit less and less...and we do understand.
sorry i'm rambling....i understand your anger towards your ss...i've had it and completely know the anxiety and anxiousness before a visit. Its dreadful at times when you know a person acts like such a rotten potatoe!
Your Sd doesn't behave this way...i guess that is positive.
Learn to disengage, not give a hoot, and focus onyoru kids and what makes them happy. Leave the attention seeking SS to his dad. He wants his attention...not yours....so dont take offense. You've done nothign wrong.. He focuses his hate on you because its an easy target for him.
IGNORE HIM> live him to his father and leave him be. Do not cook for him if all he does is complain. let his father cook for him if he doesn' tlike what you've cooked for the family.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2009 at 7:43PM
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nikemama

Mom of 2.5, No it wasn't like this when he lived with us. He did a couple little crappy things like tape recording my 15 son talking to his GF on the phone, and another time he was hiding under BS's bed while he was on the phone, and then telling my son that he was stupid for not knowing he was under the bed. I was just thankful that BS didn't loose his cool too bad over it. My BS has anger issues. That could have ended very badly. I did voice my concern but not even in a bad way.

He started getting jeolous about that because DH took my son's side. He has it in his head that it should be DH and him vs. Me and mine. That we aren't all one family. My kids are with DH all the time. They have got very close over the past year, as they should. SS seems like he is at a boiling point. You can see the anger building in his face when my little ones want to play with DH.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2009 at 12:07PM
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organic_maria

Your Dh has to sit down with his son and tell him and reassure him that he loves him and that he also spending time with your kids whether he likes it or not. Andthis has to be pressed and repeated again and again until he realizes that his father will not waver on this.
Your Dh should not waver one bit in how he acts with any of the kids. he should continue to encourage 'togetherness' Now if the SS doesn' t like it. Thats fine as well. You cannot force this issue but you can take a stand and tell him where you stand as a family and if he doesn't like it...its just too bad. Its his problem to deal with it and its his loss if he chooses to step away or just keep getting angry.
You guys should also have a family meeting. ALL of you and get it out in the open. Acknowlege that you know he hates you , that he has no reason to hate you. You will not leave his dad because he hates you. Your DH will not stop having relationship with your kids. And you will not stop acting as a family because he chooses not to be part of it. Its his loss , you guys have all tried in the past.
Tell him in his face in front of everyone how you feel and get everyones feelings out in the open. No one can stop you from having a family meeting. We did in our family several years ago and we acknowleged with all the kids that BM doens' like us for her own reason. That God gave them a brain to decide on their own what they want to do. We have never bad mouthed BM to the kids, not once and that its not nice for their mother to say bad things about us when she doesnt' know me at all and that their father have been divorced for almost a decade now. We got it out in the open. It was intense. The kids were shocked to see how open we were about it. And then we stated clearly to them. We do not discuss adult issues.
1. No talking About Child support and money. Its none of their business and if mom chooses to discuss it at her house, its her house she will do as she pleases. But we will not at our house.
2. We do not talk ill willed about either parent. Period. It will not be tolerated.
3. RESPECT all individuals and animals in this household. If not, the door is there.
4. We willhave our alone time and our family time and one on one time too......We are not separate. WE Are togehter.
I too had a talk with stepkids at an early stage and told them, if you hate me, fine..but that wont make me leave your dad. You want to make my life miserable? i can dish it back as well. Your choice.
But the kids realize we both do not take any cr*p from anyone...and so they are happy. Teens with their issues...but they know where we stand.

Does your SS tell you that he hates you or does he say this to his dad? What does your DH say to this?
Its normal to be jealous when he sees his dad playing with other kids. ANdi can't say that its because he only comes EOW. Because he use to live with you guys and had his dad 100% of the time. He chose to leave because of jealousy and anger.
I've posted for you before and i remember stating that he wants his dad to himself but he got up and left for EOW...now he will have him less....
In the end, nikemama, its yoru DH that has to handle him and his relationship. The only reason you would step in now is if he injured any of your kids or verbally attacked them. Then as a mother you have every right to tell this kid off and tell your dh off on top of it.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2009 at 12:51PM
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nikemama

The hating me part is in Text, email and to my face and his dad's. He has made it clear to everyone.

A couple weekends ago SS got yelled at my DH for not answering me when he got in the van. He was cold but not rude (just enough to not get yelled at again). Then just before he left he was "playing" with my youngest in the yard and dropped him on his back in the mud. He has scrapes and wet mud on his back and he denied it happen. DH said if SS says he didn't do it then he didn't do it. I did get in to it with both of them. DH and I are fine now but SS is worst.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2009 at 4:59PM
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nikemama

The weekend went better then I expected it would. SS would forget that he was mad and I could see a little of the old SS showing. He was still not exactly his old self. We took all the kids to the farm (My parents place) and went on a tractor driven hayride. We saw 9 deer and like 30 turkey. The farm was beautiful. We all worked out in our gym. DH benched pressed 340lbs. It was great watching him Max. We were all proud of him. All those things went well. Other times like when we dropped them off he ran off and didn't say bye. SD gives a kiss and says she loves me. He use to but not anymore. I think both kids were happy to be with us because BM and her bum BF have been fighting all week. We dropped them off to Grandma's house. He didn't want to be there so he got in a bad mood before we got there. We had wanted to stop in town and spend more time with them but he wanted to hurry home. Next time they come with be my DS Birthday. That could go either way too. We will see.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 1:34PM
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