Husband having problems with my kids after his 1st child is born

mominjerseyMarch 31, 2009

My husband of 18 months (lived together for 3 years) told me last night that he is having problems adjusting to my 13 and 12 year old sons. We have lived with him for 3 years and only had a few minor, expected bumps that were quickly resolved. Our first child together (and his first) was born in December. After she was born, his relationship took a different turn with the boys. He says things like the boys are costing him a fortune (which they aren't, I receive almost $1,000.00 a month in support from their Dad), and things like "if the boys weren't here, we'd have more space to have more children, now I can only have one child". I constantly point it out that my children are of no burden to him, I pay for all of the groceries, their clothings, activities, etc. They visit with their Dad 3 days a week, but no overnights. The only thing that he has to do is provide a roof over their heads, but would still have the same mortgage if we left tomorrow. I seriously am considering leaving my Husband if his attitude continues, because I know my children are feeling this, and they have been through enough with their bio. Dad. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

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I can't say I have had the same situation exactly. I have 2 step sons(11 and 13) and then I have a 10 month old son. While the 11 and especially the 13 greatly annoy me at times(in fact I just posted on this), I would never even consider compromising their well being for the little one! I do admit that the relationship with the 2 step sons is definitely not the same as the relationship I have with my biological son. I didn't have the 2 older boys as babies and never got to hold and cuddle them like I do my own. But for your husband to treat them as if they are now in the way or in anyway cramping his style is really just wrong anyway you look at it. Something I try to be mindful of and you might bring up to your husband is the relationship between your older 2 boys and the little one. If he has a strained and difficult relationship with your older boys, how is that going to affect how they feel about their little sister? If your husband has changed the way he treats the boys because of the new baby he could be causing more issues than just a strain in his relationship with them. Does he really want to cause the older boys to resent her because he treated her better than he treats them? I am having issues with my oldest just getting on my nerves, but I take the responsibility for trying to fix the situation. I don't see how the solution could ever be to get the older 2 out of the house!!!Hope I didn't ramble on too much!!! Good luck with your situation.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 12:50PM
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It sounds like your husband is experiencing what some SMs go through after having a bio-child of their own--kind of a biological urge to "protect your own."

I'm not excusing it or saying that it's okay and that it won't affect your sons---because it's not and it will.

Your baby was just born in December so I'm assuming that the last 4 months have been a transition time for all of you, as you adjust to having a new member of the family. I think change is easier for some people to swallow than others and with your DH, it sounds like it is stirring up all kinds of feelings.

I would strongly urge him to get into counseling so he can work through these issues.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 12:55PM
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That is very kind and helpful advice. I think recognizing that urges to protect your own are the first step in dealing with the situation.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 2:05PM
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mominjersey, your husband is experiencing a transition zone of protectiveness of the newborn and obviously wants more kids of his own.
GIve it some time. My husband experienced this with his own two kids. I didn't....way too concentrated on the new bundle to be bothered with issues the sk had. And my sk do not live here..and their own father felt this. And he had it for some months.....
Give it some time and keep open communications.And dont divorce over this unless he becomes abusive to your kids ...some counciling can help too.
Do you want more kids with him or you just want this one?
Why do your sons have no overnight stays? Maybe it would be nice to change the schedual to give more space for a while. Can your sons sleep over friday to sunday at their dads every second weekend...???

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 2:51PM
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I agree, counseling is in order for your husband alone, and the two of you together. I hope things work out for you.

On this:

"I seriously am considering leaving my Husband if his attitude continues, because I know my children are feeling this, and they have been through enough with their bio. Dad. "

As mentioned, I sincerely hope things work out, but BRAVO that you recognize the long term effects on your boys if your husband's attitude continues. Too many women sacrifice their children for "their man".

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 8:02PM
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