20 yrs as SM, SD breaking up marriage
I've been married to DH for almost 20 yrs. and thought I was one lucky woman. We had custody of his two kids, then 9 and 11, now 28 SD and 31 SS. My DH is my SD's hero, although she abuses him often. He is the only one who constantly forgives her horrible behavior. He has begged me for years to turn the other cheek and although I would love to go back and do things over, kind of hard to do that. I have tried to make things better by my actions. (We still pay some of her bills, she has moved in with us multiple times, I flew to where she lived then to hold her hand during abortion). Unfortunately, regarding me, she creates drama and crisis and DH gets sucked in. He and I have a daughter who is now 16. She is a junior in HS. The girls love each other. The SD and I hate each other with a passion. I don't think that can be changed at this stage. Last week, there was a blowup so bad that I finally told my DH I wouldn't live like this anymore.
SD got engaged yesterday. I am not invited to the wedding. DH and I are discussing divorce, which is tearing out my guts. Our daughter doesn't know anything except that the house has lots of stress and that SD and I hate each other. I am trying to get my head around not caring about SD anymore and not caring that I will be shut out from that part of my DH's life.
He is not willing or able to shut her out of his life. He is hurt also that he is married to someone who hates his children. I feel like I am second to his adult children and that our child together is not as important. I can't decide whether to work like a fiend to save this marriage or let it go. I am angry, upset, and humiliated. However, I am not sure if I am cutting off my nose to spite my face.
I am not going into past history of SD mental illness, crappy BM, SS is a bum, husband brain tumor, my physical limitations in working...life looks good from the outside, but is tough from the inside. Really hard to start life over. I am trying to be smart and not a victim. Please don't suggest therapy because I already see a psychiatrist. Family therapy...@#$^*!!!