20 yrs as SM, SD breaking up marriage

alexislMarch 8, 2010

I've been married to DH for almost 20 yrs. and thought I was one lucky woman. We had custody of his two kids, then 9 and 11, now 28 SD and 31 SS. My DH is my SD's hero, although she abuses him often. He is the only one who constantly forgives her horrible behavior. He has begged me for years to turn the other cheek and although I would love to go back and do things over, kind of hard to do that. I have tried to make things better by my actions. (We still pay some of her bills, she has moved in with us multiple times, I flew to where she lived then to hold her hand during abortion). Unfortunately, regarding me, she creates drama and crisis and DH gets sucked in. He and I have a daughter who is now 16. She is a junior in HS. The girls love each other. The SD and I hate each other with a passion. I don't think that can be changed at this stage. Last week, there was a blowup so bad that I finally told my DH I wouldn't live like this anymore.

SD got engaged yesterday. I am not invited to the wedding. DH and I are discussing divorce, which is tearing out my guts. Our daughter doesn't know anything except that the house has lots of stress and that SD and I hate each other. I am trying to get my head around not caring about SD anymore and not caring that I will be shut out from that part of my DH's life.

He is not willing or able to shut her out of his life. He is hurt also that he is married to someone who hates his children. I feel like I am second to his adult children and that our child together is not as important. I can't decide whether to work like a fiend to save this marriage or let it go. I am angry, upset, and humiliated. However, I am not sure if I am cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I am not going into past history of SD mental illness, crappy BM, SS is a bum, husband brain tumor, my physical limitations in working...life looks good from the outside, but is tough from the inside. Really hard to start life over. I am trying to be smart and not a victim. Please don't suggest therapy because I already see a psychiatrist. Family therapy...@#$^*!!!

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lamom

alexis!,

So very sorry you are going through any and all of this. If SD is getting married which I assume means she will live in some independent place with her new husband then GREAT. You are not invited to the wedding. Another slap on the face and a direct insult. My skids did not come to my wedding to DH or reception 12 years ago, despite excuses a pretty solid slap on the face. One has made amends the other has not. Shag 'em, that's what I've been told.

Be that as it may be, if she really gets married, if you are lucky she'll become her husband's problem. Also, if you are not invited to the wedding and your DH hasn't said anything about it then we are now talking about a husband problem. My husband gets angry with me for not "turning the other cheek" to the BS put out by his skids and ex-wife. Your husband should take up for you!!!!!!!

Turn the other cheek, your face, your eyes, your heart, your atention and your resources! Distance yourself, become friendly with your new SIL and hope he can keep that problem in their home and not yours. She'll grow up or she won't. Your DD can stay friends with the SD, it's nice they are friends, but if you are lucky, she will move on to a mature, married, out of your hair and out of your face relationship. On that wedding day, wear a red dress, get a massage/facial/mani-pedi with what would have been the gift money and be with your friends!

    Bookmark   March 8, 2010 at 12:42PM
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sylviatexas1

no, she won't become her husband's problem.

Get outta there:

It looks to you like this mess is all between you & your stepdaughter, but your husband has been enabling her all these years;

he could put his foot down (& he could have done it years ago), & he didn't.

He's allowed her to ride roughshod over his partner, & that will continue until one of you dies.

not invited to the wedding?

What a relief!

Take it as a sign from G@d or the great Universe that you are free.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2010 at 7:20PM
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pseudo_mom

not invited to the wedding?

What a relief!

Thats just what I was thinking ... :)

    Bookmark   March 8, 2010 at 7:46PM
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finedreams

I think after 20 years of marriage not being invited to SD's wedding is a slap in a face. Unless you are abusive and mean to your SD, it is unacceptable not being invited and your DH is not helping here. I think it is a deal breaker.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2010 at 7:52PM
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sweeby

I'm so sorry Alexis --

Yes, not being invited to the wedding is a slap in the face. Clearly she meant it that way -- you hate each other. No surprises, really...
But it's ALSO a relief, and if you can keep that half of the equation in mind, the 'slap' part can fade into the background.
SD is paying for the wedding herself, right? In other words, Hubby is not financially supporting the 'slap'?

As to your marriage, if you've been happy with your husband, don't let her ruin it. Agree to disagree on the subject of SD, and put her in the 'off limits' category. Since she's getting married, presumably, she will become more independent now, and LESS a part of your lives.

I wish you the best...

    Bookmark   March 9, 2010 at 10:04AM
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mom2emall

I was thinking what Sweeby was thinking....the 28 year old adult is getting married. Hopefully she will get wrapped up in her own life and keep a healthy distance from yours. Do not loose your marriage over it. If there is a part of you that thinks you should fight for your marriage then do it. You have spent 20 years married to this man, do you want to throw it away without a last fight? What does your therapist say?

If dh is helping fund this wedding he needs to grow a pair of _ _ _ _ _ and tell his daughter that his money will stay in his bank account if you are not invited to the wedding. How are holidays with you all? Do you celebrate together?

    Bookmark   March 12, 2010 at 12:00AM
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