helpwiththisMarch 4, 2009

My sd 13 is in chorus. She has chorus 4 days a week after school. Last weekend she participated in a contest for chorus. She performed a solo and then performed a duet with her friend at contest.

Then yesteday she comes home with a note about a contest this weekend where the whole chorus sings together. It is for Sunday morning at like 8am. I asked her if she has known about this and she said no. I asked her if she has had any other notes about this and she said no. It was on a chorus calendar from the beginning of the year, but that calendar has EVERY chorus event all year and does not specify which grade's chorus it is talking about. So I never thought it was for her because I never received any other info on it.

I e-mailed her teacher and she said that she has been talking about it every day in practice for months and has sent home other notes about it????

Problem is that my hubby and I are going out of town this weekend for a wedding. We are leaving the girls with relatives out of town near the wedding (5 hours away). The wedding is Saturday night and my hubby and I are staying in a hotel attached to the reception location. There is really no way for us to be back in town in time unless we left the reception early to pick up the girls and come home that night! And we already made reservations at the hotel and it is too late to get all our money back.

Plus if it is not important enough for my sd to pay attention to then why should we ruin all our plans for it?

I e-mailed the chorus teacher to explain it all and she is not happy...but what can we do?? Any friends she has in chorus are not friends she has had sleepovers with before so we can not leave her at their home to go with them in the morning.

I am so aggrevated with her right now!

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Since your SD is 13 (old enough to understand consequences) I think you should continue ahead with your plans to go to the wedding.

That's too bad if the chorus teacher is upset but her issue should be with SD, not you. This girl is 13 years old and she has heard this concert being mentioned in class, plus she has obviously not brought home previous notes about it. Her consequence for not being responsible is going to have to be missing the concert.

You might try to see if there is ANY friend she could stay with in your town who could get her to the concert. But, short of that, I say you and DH go ahead with your plans to attend the wedding.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 11:30AM
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I agree with Lovehadley 100%. Age 13 is old enough to manage your own activities enough to mention it more than a few days in advance.

I'd go as far as to make her find a friend to stay with...

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 12:42PM
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Our rule is that SD has to let us know at least a week in advance when she wants to participate in something at school. She will wait until the last minute and come to me at bedtime the night before a class party and ask me to bake cookies... and let her stay up late to help me. Or on silly hat day, waits til the morning of to tell me and she doesn't own a hat. Or whatever it is... the school is always having these 'spirit' things that she wants to do but she doesn't bring home the info, so she doesn't get to do it. The rule is to bring to our attention a week in advance or as soon as it's announced if it's less than a week. I hate last minute changes.

I agree with lovehadley and sweeby...

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 12:53PM
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Another option is arranging for a cab to get her to the concert but have her pay off the cab fare with part of her allowance or by doing extra chores. And of course explain that the REASON you're making her do that is not to be mean but so she will really learn to give advance notice and how it feels to be inconvenienced when you don't have advance notice.

I don't think it would be good to have her miss the concert entirely. She has worked hard for it, and it is also an opportunity to teach her how to be resourceful and how taking some responsibility for her own mistakes/forgetfulness can remedy the situation if she's willing to put in the effort for what she wants.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 1:39PM
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Does her mom live nearby? If so, maybe her mom can take her.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 1:53PM
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My SD is the same. Forgets to give us notes, then at the last minute has a request. Last night in fact brought up that her schools awards ceremony was todays at 8am and were we coming. News to us. I couldn't take off work that quickly, but her dad managed to.

Last weekend she accepted an invitation from one of her friends and her friends mom to go to a fundraiser BBQ. An hour before they were to pick her up she says she doesn't want to go. DH & I said "too bad" you said you were going and you could have cancelled way before this. So you are going. So she went.

Stick to your plans. Too bad the teacher is upset, but better she know now that your SD is not going to be there than the day of the concert.

Their will be other concerts and your going ahead with your plans teaches SD to be a little more forthcoming with the notices and calendar events.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 6:18PM
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I agree with lovehadley and sweeby. My SD12 has the same issue. she DOES NOT tell us what is going on in advance. It's ALWAYS last minute and then WE get the despising looks if we don't run around to try and find out what is going on. Because that is the other thing, she always tells us HALF a story. So when we do find out that she has something on, for example an art display she is participating in, we still don't know when or where, only that it's soon and that SD12 is expected to go. From experience we now know this is always very last minute, like the same night or the next day.

At first we used to go out of our way to try and find out what is going on, when she was younger I suppose. But now we're done with it. SD12 is pretty uncooperative when it comes to finding out the details, and I've had enough of it.

So for example she will not give us a note, only mention that the exhibition is on. And of course tell us in an annoyed and pushy tone that she needs to be there.

So where is it SD? I don't know.

Which day is it? I don't know

Has the exhibition been organised by the school? I don't think so.

Than how did you hear about it SD? From a friend.

So where did you drop your artwork off? I can't remember.

Or did you hand it in to somebody? Yeah of course I did.

So did you get a note with some information on it? Yeah but that's ages ago and I don't know where it is anymore.


From now on if SD12 can't give us clear information we don't run around anymore trying to find out what is going on. She's old enough to tell us and she'll have to learn to be a bit more organised. Unfortunately the hard way.

Hope you will have a nice weekend,


    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 6:22PM
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Now I'm on fire.. I remember there was an occasion where SD12 was going to have a friend over for dinner. She told me she thought the friend would be at our place at 6. So I aimed to have dinner ready at 6.30
Come 6.30 no friend. SD12 very annoyed when I asked her to ring the friend. Don't know why that is so annoying, but reluctant she did ring at 6.45
When she got off the phone 10 minutes later I asked her what was going on. SD12 said she thought her friend would be here soon. I asked what time, but SD12 did not know because she forgot to ask??????

So we sat down and had dinner, enough is enough.

Friend rocked up at 7.30

Nice one, hahaha

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 6:26PM
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Yeah...we've had this very same problem with SD15. She just came to live with us this year, so we didn't know that this was a problem. Seems she's never been required to be responsible for....much of anything! This really came to light when we were scheduling a trip for her to go see her mom last November. We went over the calendar together, and decided on a weekend for her to go. We booked the flight. Two days later she came home and said, "I have a really important performance for musical theater on Friday the 23rd. It's basically my grade for the quarter." I said "Really? Since we looked at the calendar before we planned your trip for that day!"

She just figured we could change it and pay the difference (~$300 more) and it would all be good. NOPE! She had to go to her teacher with her issue, and her grade took a sizeable ding. But guess what? She hasn't done it since! Lesson a cost, but quickly! As a matter of fact, just yesterday I was looking at flights for her Spring Break trip. She quickly said, "Just a sec...I need to check my forensics schedule and make sure I don't have a competition." Yeah!!!!!

We are working very hard on her being responsible for her belongings, making sure she has everything needed for the day when she walks out the door in the morning, etc. Not too long ago, DH and she would get a few blocks downt the road and have to turn around for something she'd forgotten. I told him to stop bringing her back, because she will NEVER have to try to remember her stuff if you keep turning around. Guess what? One late paper that she "forgot" on the desk (yes, it was done!!!) and he didn't come back home for, and she hasn't done it again.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 8:16PM
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