Hurt and angry

helpwiththisMarch 22, 2009

I am really hurt and angry right now. I posted before about feeling like a doormat for my younger sister. Her and her child moved in with us before Christmas. I have been babysitting for her child. Was doing it full-time and then when I felt unappreciated I cut it down to part-time. I still watch her child 3 days per week and occasionally on weekends.

I gave her 2 dates recently that I needed a sitter for our two girls. One was for a babyshower because my dh would be working. One was for a date night for me and my dh with another couple.

So yesterday was the babyshower. My sister stayed out all night (another family member watched her child-not me). She came home with her boyfriend and I left for the shower. My dh called to check on the girls a little while later and found out that my sister and her new bf went to bed!!! On my way home I called to check in and she acted like she was up the whole time. My dh said he talked to the girls two hours into the time and they were still up by themsleves and no lunch! He told them to get themselves something to eat and wake my sister if there were any problems.

So I made a comment to her that I heard she slept the whole time. She said "I was tired and slept but my bf got up at ___ and kept an eye on them." First of all that time was a lie. Second of all I asked HER to watch them!!

So next weekend me and dh are supposed to have our night out. My sister said that girls at work are doing a girls night out and her bf offered to watch her son and our girls so she could go out.

I am livid!! We asked her months in advance to babysit and now she is trying to pass the buck again!! Its not that I do not like her bf. He is a great guy actually and I like him a lot. Most times I find him to be way more responsible than her! What I have a problem with is that I asked her to do these things.

I do not even know how to approach this. Do I say No, I want you watching the kids...too bad if you miss your night out? Do I have someone else come to my house to watch our kids instead? And when she asks why her bf is not watching them do I just lay on a guilt trip? Do

I confront her about her selfishness? I know if I confront her it will be a fight and she will not see her wrongs.

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It's been seven months. Why has your sister not got back on her own feet by now? Clearly she thinks she can coast along and contribute as little as possible and I doubt that will change. Personally I'd say, "You know, this arrangement just isn't working for me. Originally I had hoped we would be able to share the loads equally but I seem to be carrying the can most of the time. I'd like you to work towards finding your own place by _____________ date."

    Bookmark   March 22, 2009 at 10:58AM
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You asked her to babysit, and she probably heard "kids need watching" rather than "Payback - your turn", which seems to be what you really meant.

Now, I'm not blaming you for feeling that way! But recognize the difference in the subtext, and how she might very legitimately feel blindsided by your anger. You say her BF is a great guy and more responsible than she is. So you still got a babysitter...

Again - I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do, but I think you're focusing your annoyance in a slightly off-angle kind of way, and she'll have a lot of weasel-room is you go after her on this point.

See if you can reframe your feelings better and clarify your expectations in a way that's Specific and Measurable before talking with her.
And I'd agree with Colleen that it's time for her to find her own place.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2009 at 1:36PM
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give her 30 days notice. she must find place to live in a month. it is OK for a BF to watch the kids this time but it is not the issue, problem is wiht her sister living with you. if she has a BF, she could go live wiht him or her girlfriends or whoever. 30 days limit. it is OK to let relatives live wiht as long as they contribute, she doesn't contribute, she has to go.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2009 at 1:48PM
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1. how old are your kids?
2. how long have you known her bf, and would you ask him to watch your kids if that were an option?

I think it is extremely irresponsible to go to sleep when kids are awake. I don't know many bf's of women I know who I would trust to watch my dd.

I think if she were caring of your situation she'd be jumping to help out with whatever you asked her to do. Babysitting family members? In their home, a home you are living in? Totally simple. This is a case of you being used.

I agree with the three above: You need to wake up and take out the garbage.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 12:16PM
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The other posters are right, give her a 30 day notice. I had a sister who moved in with me after she left her husband. She had 2 kids age, 9 and 13 with her. Neither my sister nor her kids lifted a finger to help with any household chores. She didn't pay anything towards groceries, laundry detergent, etc, nothing at all. I felt bad for her, this was her second marriage breaking up.

She found her own place at the end of a month. However, she told my Mother that I took advantage of her. And my Mother believed her. Wow! No, "Thanks big Sis!". When my 19 year old son got home from college, his Aunt was moved into his bedroom. We all sacrificed, she never thanked my son for his bedroom either. She felt entitled to it! That must have been the least that I could have done for her!

Sis needs to hit the road!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 12:34PM
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My dd and sd are 12 and 13 years old. My sisters boyfriend is a childhood friend so we have known him and his family for years and years. Any other guy I would definately not trust alone with two teen girls!!! But I would have never asked him to babysit.

I know I am being taken advantage of and I just hate it. I felt bad for my sister and was trying to help her out but I do think she has this selfish side to her where she just takes for granted all that I do for her. She once said that I babysit my nephew because I love him. I had to correct her and let her know I can love him without babysitting she does my kids!

I have taken a nap during the day when my girls are home because they are old enough to handle themselves for a few hours. But that is on rare occasions.

When someone is asked to babysit I find it quite rude to sleep.

I am going to start talking to my sister about her future plans and get into her head that this living situation will not be long term. I am also thinking of working part-time when school starts next year. I will not be able to babysit anymore for her then. That may make this situation less comfortable for her because I know free babysitting is a big perk here.

I also asked my aunt and uncle to babysit the kids while me and my hubby have a date night. My aunt and uncle are coming here to babysit so I am sure when I tell my sister that she will have to have her boyfriend babysit her child at his home because it would be uncomfortable for him to be here that night. Which is kind of why I asked my aunt and uncle to come here to babysit!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 3:30PM
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OK - 12 and 13, I can see how your sister probably felt that any 'babysitting' involved was clearly light duty. (How much watching should they need?) And as to her not having fed them -- How is it they can't feed themselves?

Again, she IS taking advantage of you --
but don't use this babysitting case as an example or you'll find it being turned around on you in no time flat.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 4:18PM
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12 and 13? LOL I thought you are talking about babies or toddlers. Why do they need to be fed and why your sister needs to be awake when they are awake? At 12 and 13 they could legally stay alone, don't even need a babysitter. If you do not want them to be alone, fine, but you shouldn't expect them to be treated like babies by your sister. actually I would be more concerned that somebody's boyfriend watches 13-year-old, childhood friend or not, that doesn't sound right. Hmmm

I think your sister does need to move out and get her life together but her not taking babysitting seriously is understandable.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 5:25PM
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Well we rarely leave the girls home alone except for a quick errand or so. We do not leave them home alone at night because they get scared. And we feel leaving them home alone during the day for hours at a time invites trouble. I guess we watch too many episodes of Law and Order LOL! And we both knew kids growing up that had nobody home and those were the houses kids went to get in trouble.

I did not expect my sister to baby them. But being awake and preparing a lunch for them would not have been unrealistic.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 9:30PM
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I think it is common sense that if your are asked to watch kids that you should be awake! It was wrong on your sisters part to sleep instead of being awake while watching them for a few hours. We were talking about daytime hours....not overnight.

It sounds like you need to give her a swift kick in the butt!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 9:51PM
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I agree with Finedreams. I will not take a nap unless my 6 yr old is sleeping, but if she were 12 I would have no issue. Sleeping while babysitting is a big no-no in my book, but she's family so it's a bit different.

My dd can get herself food if she is hungry and she's six. She has cereal and milk where she can reach, and bread, pb and honey where she can get to it too. Also, crackers and fruit. I agree, it would have been nice if she made lunch, but if you didn't make it clear to her "and could you make them some lunch please" or the girls asked "can you make us some food please" it shouldn't be expected that she will make food for them.

IMO Old family friends are more likely to "get" your daughters in your home than a stranger.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 11:24AM
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