I hate my step daughter

blacksusanMarch 30, 2009

Please help. I hate my oldest step daughter. I have always beens a calm person who doesn't upset easily until now.

History...Married the Dad 11 years again. (his girls were 6 and 4 when we met,this was right after the mother passed away from an illlness. Got married 2 years latter. We had one daughter together. He also has two sons from his first marraige. I am his 3rd wife)

My step dusghter is now 19. Our issues started long before this. She never did accept me as her step-mom. BUt when she was younger things were OK. WE were a happy family.

Then she became a teenager and is has been all dowh hill.

Last August was the first big huge blow out. I was upset because she took her younder sister out driving which is not allowable since the rules were she could only be with someone over 21 on her LEarners Permit (no family exception) I got her sister on the computer and made her read all the rules. Well she got right in my face, told me I had no right to talk to her sister like that and I was a F'ing B&*((, and so on and on. SHe told me she hated me and she shoved me. At this point I was yelling and then her Dad kicked her out and told her to go to the grandmothers. I never got over that night. I never got shoved her hit by anyone before. (I am 50) I expected an apology and never got one. My husband got over it in a couple days. I never have. Sh ended up coming home on weekend and vacations. (she in college) We never spoke, unless her father was in the room and then only what we had to. Very stressful. IF her father wasn't there she would not even look at me. So this last weekend, me and her dad went out, had a good time and a few drinks. SHe

was there when we got home and yes I started it. I decided I wasn't going to be a doormat any more and I looked her in the eye and told her she was a B&))#. She phyically attacked me and she spit on me. I have the bruises to prove it. Her father witnessed it all but blames me for starting it. I started the war of words not the violence.

I did go after her once she spit on me but her father got between us.

I don't think I want to stay married if I have to have her a part of our life. My husband wants us to get marraige couseling. My behavior was horrendous that night but my step daughters behavior has been horriible for years and it finally exploded in me. My husband has a bad temper and it was just easier to be quiet. I know years ago I should have done something but I didn't. THere is alot more to the story and of course you have only my side but I don't know what to do.

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I just read your post and i just had to reply because i know exactly how you are feeling this morning. As a step-mother myself for nearly 20 years, i've had aloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot of trouble with my oldest daughter. I met her father when she was 9 and i too am his third wife. From the very first day i met this step-daughter, she never liked me. It took me years and years and years to get over it and worst of all, is that her father, never, never, never talked to her about her attitude towards me. So believe me, her father and i had alot of arguments over this child but one day, i said enought is enough. I never confronted her like you did, whom in my opinion, was totally in the wrong to physically attack you, but i did wished i could have confronted my step-daughter many, many, many times to tell her how i felt about her, how she hurt me with her attidude and rudeness. But i never did cuz i know her father would really have been upset if i had done that and since we'ed already had many fights him and i over his daughter, i preferred to keep my mouth shut and treat her as best as i could and i did that for years. I always felt hypocrite treating her no different than my other two step-children, but i felt i had no choice until one day when i said enough is enough. I started to completely ignore her. I mean totally ignore her. After all, that is how she had treated me for years and guess what, i never felt guily about ignoring her. In fact, she started totally changing her attitude towards me. This happened about two years ago when i decided to ignore her and today, our relationship is much better but i am still carefull even more careful than ever around her cuz i know i can be hurt by her very easily. Hubby and i also went to counselling at one point because of her and many other reasons. But honestly, i don,t think the counselling help with my situation with his daughter. What i really thinked helped me the most is reading alot on step-parenting, and most importantly reading the book The Dance of Anger. I also went away for a week all by myself to think things over. I didn't call any of the kids during that week nor did i call hubby. Once the week was over and i was back home, my decision had been made. I did not care what this child or hubby thought of me anymore in regards to my relationship with this girl. I truly didn't care if my attitude bothered her or her father.

This being said, the only advice i can give up as a step-parent who has been in your situation, is this : As of today, detach from this young woman. Really, really, really make an effort not to be around her and her father when they are together.I've seen myself staying home for two weeks at a time, all alone, while hubby was up at the lake with this step-daughter. I started taking aqua fitness classes at night when i knew she was coming over. I refused to be in the same room as her when she was there. I refused to visit her home. I even refused to answer the phone when i knew she was calling! I stopped buying her xmas gifts or birthday gift. I let her father take care of that and if i had to sign a card for her, all i wrote was somehting like Merry Christmas and then my name. Nothing more, nothing less. Slowly but surely, i think she started getting the point, that is, that she could not hurt me anymore. I am sure you always did your best with this child. One day, she will come around but first she has to earn your respect. Let her be. Don't even bother talking to your husband about her anymore or the situation that happened this weekend.Maybe one day you will be able to discuss it, but not right now. It will only cause more fights and remember, that is his daughter and what parent would not go to the end of the world to defend their child!

Completly detach from her. Bless her and go on with your life, and your husband's and your life. If she calls soon, tell her you do not wish to talk to her now. If she comes around your home, just do your thing. Go outside. Don't do what your husband could do for her. Don't do anything anymore for her.

Keep posting. I'm looking forward to hearing from you again and be good to yourself today.


    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 12:28PM
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Thanks for your reply. I will pick up that book. I do have alot of anger and I don't know if marriage counseling will work or not. But I do need to totally let go of her. I don't feel so confident she will change. She has had the bio gradnmother enable her bad behavior for years as well as her dad. (Even though when she was 16 her and her Dad had a blow up and I was the one calming things down and bringing her to stay with her grandmother for a few days for a cool down) I think she would love nothing better than for me and her Dad to divorce. I guess what really bothers me is I never knew I could truly hate someone and that bothers me about me.
Again thanks. I have alot to think about and I have had a headache for 2 days now.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 3:27PM
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I would agree for you to detach and tell your hubby she is no longer welcome in the household since she is violent. Yes you may have started with words but you were not physically violent and from my perspective she deserved those words considering what she said and did to you before.
Counciling i think will help you emotionally but your SD obviously has issues and she has become violent. I think you shoudl stand your ground to prove your point. I think you did nothing wrong to call her that and you had to stand your ground.
I think the next time she does threaten you or attack you physically you should call the police and have her removed and tell her not to come back until she is a decent human being.
Now i know i do not know all the facts but to call you a B in front and then spit. and say she hates you? You've been married for so long....sounds like she has deep seeded issues and she is the one who should go to counciling and anger management.
You have stood your ground in front of her and have proven a point. Now stand your ground with your Dh and tell him she is no longer welcome because of her violence and you will defend yourself. She can meet her dad at grandma's or elsewhere. ITs obvious you two have issues and will not in any time soon mend.
Its ok to hate someone and never want them in yoru life. If that is what you wish...then so be it.
Its sad though because you've been in her life for 13 years...has she even had couciling for the loss of her mother? Why is she so violent?

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 3:48PM
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The book I mentionned was referred to me on this site. So i guess there are alot of women that have been in our situation and who felt anger towards a step-child, even hated them in some cases.

I felt guilty for a long time knowing i did not espcially love this step-child. But how else was i suppose to feel after all she was doing to me. For years, i also felt that all this step-daughter truly wished was for her father and I to separate. But that didn't happen even though it did come close a few times and it would have been 90% because of her. She was also encouraged by my dear husband's two former spouses to say bad things about me behind my back. At one point, she even tried to get my other step-daughter with whom I've always had an excellent relationship to hate me. I'd never had trouble with this step-daughter before and i was really hurt by her attitude but i knew where it was coming from and i never, never brought it up with her. It didn't take long for her bad attitude towards me to stop and to this day we are good friends.

You might not think that your step-daughter will change one day. That is what i thought for years and years, but you know what, they do change once they grow up a bit and have gained some experience in life. My aunt once told me that if this step-daughter was so mean to me, it probably was because she was unhappy herself. Once i started thinking about it, i thought that could be true. First, she was jealous person,she felt abandoned by her father, she had a child when she herself was still very young, and then she was not in a good relationship. Things are going better for her today and that's perhaps because she is older now and has matured a bit. When someone is unhappy with their life, it is not surprising that they will hate or attack those around them who they know they can hurt the most easily. When you are a step-parent, you are not as free to tell the step-children how to act. I always wondered why my step-daughter wasn't as mean to her father as much as she was towards me and yet he chosed to be with me just as much I chosed to be with him! I always told my husband that it could have been any other woman in the world he would have decided to be with, this daughter of his would still have given that woman a hard time because she was jealous.

Be good to youself. Take it easy tonight. This too shall pass.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 3:56PM
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How did you expect her to react when you called her that?

You may have a reason to feel that way about her, but you need to step-up and be the adult. If you don't have anything nice to say. You should not say anything.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 4:08PM
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I don't know about the whole ignoring thing. I am in a similar situation with my 6 yrd SS. You wouldn't believe the behavior. (I just posted, please everyone read it, the title is need help-desperate or something like that) but I have tried ignoring my SS but it just hurts my husband more it seems, he gets angry at me and tells me how horrible I am for ignoring his son.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 4:27PM
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I would try and get to the root of the mutual hate. What is the real underlying issue--- for both of you? It's one thing for you to discuss the stepchild hating YOU, and that is in itself certainly something to probe deeper into, but you also must ask yourself why you hate HER.

You mention a specific incident that you believe started the whole downward spiral --but while the way she copped an attitude with you was certainly obnoxious, it really isn't at all unusual for a kid of that age to mouth off to parents, step or bio, like that. Obnoxious, probably alarming and hyper-dramatic when the parents first hear it, but not at all abnormal. My stepdad and I had some very high-decibel, balls-out screaming matches when I was a teenager, and it was rough. But here's the thing: we never REALLY hated each other, even though we each might have said so or yelled an obscenity at each other from the top of our lungs. Deep down, I knew he really was just trying to be a good step-parent and had his own ideas about what I should do to be the best person I could be. At the time I really didn't agree and I rebelled, but deep down he knew I was a good kid who was just doing the teenage thing. I think that makes a huge difference, and obviously isn't impossible even with step-parents and step-children. I also screamed obscenities a few times in my day at my own mother, who I love so dearly and who loves me so dearly too. If we hadn't been able to get over a few teen-angst-and-hormone-fueled "f--- you"s, what a loss it would have been for both of us.

Where things get really rough is when one or both the step-parent and/or the step-child resent the other's very existence at a deep level. If your SD's mom is dead, and she also lost a previous stepmother, the girl may not care to let someone else in. Of course it's no excuse to spit, but it does explain why she probably has some anger issues and doesn't really want to get close to you. It also makes it much harder for her to automatically accept you as an authority figure. In general, with what she has experienced in her past, you could disappear any second, all outside of her control. So why listen to you, why bother to give a crap? (Just trying to articulate what she may be thinking/feeling.) Even that attitude, though, doesn't have to spell total doom if you are capable of understanding that and if you don't resent her in return.

I'm not saying the burden for the whole relationship is all on you, but I'm just saying that the level of mutual hate that it's at now is a mutual phenomenon. It takes two. And as you've seen, it's EXTREMELY easy for things to escalate, well past the point of the original mouthing-off incident. The mutual venom fest you describe which happened more recently between you and your SD speaks to a much more deep-seated conflict between BOTH OF YOU, as you both behaved like a--holes out of all reasonable proportion. She shouldn't have spit, but you shouldn't have walked up to her and called her a b!itch for no apparent reason just because she was sitting there. The way you described it, it sounded like you were upset she was even present in the house and that's what set you off, just seeing her there. Do you resent that she feels at liberty to let herself into the house? Does she resent any suggestion that she has to have permission to come into her father's house? Is this a turf war?

Try to get to the bottom of what the real issue is. She's 19, and it's almost textbook that around the age of 18 ---give or take a few years on either side--- major conflicts erupt in stepfamilies because the SP usually expects that since the SK are no longer permanently living in the house and they are of legal age that they will no longer be much of an issue, and along with that usually comes the expectation that they will not need/take as much in the way of resources (emotional, financial, time, attention) from the bio-parent/spouse. Thus it's not surprising to see questioning and arguments around this time concerning who will pay for college, etc. Have there been any such major discussions/decisions/arguments in your stepfamily recently?

You certainly have a right to stand very firm that physical aggression will not be tolerated, as does SD. And she has a right to cry foul on your *verbally* aggressive provocation (as you do on her when she does it). When you both have done the same or similar things to one another, it's harder to isolate her as the sole cause of the problem, but you are both definitely within your rights to not want to take any kind of aggression from the other.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 4:47PM
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blacksusan, This sounds very familiar. I have gone through a similiar situation. My SD was 18 when DH and I met. SD was older (21) when DH and I married, but she was not totally in agreement with it. She never said it but one could tell she wasn't happy about it. SD was always cold towards me,ignored me, tried to get DH back with bio mom, was rude at times, would stare me down, and the list goes on and on.
I tolerated her by ignoring many of her rude behaviors. I never said a word. SD would occassionally blow up over something small and look like a fool. I never particiapted in her behavior games. I always walked away and talked with DH later and sometimes argued with DH later.
Until just recently 6 years later SD pulled one of her rude behaviors on me. It was a act that if a friend had done that to me I would of called my friend on it. So I confronted SD on it. She had a blow up and tried to say I was in the wrong, even though she knew she was wrong. SD called and tried to convince DH I was in the wrong. DH knew I did nothing wrong. It felt good to finely confront an adult woman who knew better.
I will never again put up with her crap and I believe she knows it.
I too have felt a hate towards SD. However, I also feel sorry for her for being such an unlikeable young woman. How sad she has missed out on so many wonderful things she could of learned and gained from knowing DH and myselfs relationship. We have a wonderful relationship and many enjoy being around us.
My nieces around SD age have told me over and over they have learned so much from me and lucky to have me in their life.
SD has missed out. I have tried to include her in my life but no longer care to have her in my life. If someday she changes her ways and starts to respect me then I may consider including her again.
My advise it live your life for you, DH and the rest of the family that you care about and that care about you. Keep busy loving the ones who love you. Try not to get sucked into her behavior games. Rise above, bite you tongue and live for the ones who care about you. Hopefully she will grow up and change her ways.
Best of luck

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 8:10AM
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raek, please rereaad the original post. HER SD started first by calling her an F;n B in front of her sister because SM confronted her about her doing something illegal....like taking her sister out for driving when she is not of legal age. You have to be 21 and she is not.
As far as i see it, there is more problems to this before that even BUT her SD turned violent by shoving her in front of the sister and spitting in her face.
So if anyone should step to the plate is the SD. She is an adult 19 a young adult and if she cannot respect another adult whether its her mother or not doesn't count. Its anotehr human being. And it is disrespectful , rude you name it...to shove and spit. THe SD shoudl behave as a normal decent human being who should not behave in such a manner.
black susan did the right thing to stand up to this adult human being who called her a bleep and disrespected her and she should stand her ground.
If my Sd attacked me you bet i would deck her out in an instant. Do not care what relationship she has to me or my husband, she is a human being attacking me and i would defend myself.
In my past dealing with violent people such as this, you shut them out, if you both hate one another then leave each other out of your lives.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 9:29AM
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Like most of you have send there is alot more background.
And I know I am the adult and alot of the things some of you have said is true about things going back further than most recent events. And the person who said I sounds like I resent her presence is probably right. THis is the house I grew up in and had a happy childhood here(even though I lost my Dad at 6)I have good relatives living on both sides. I resent her bringing all these negativity in to the house I love so much. I know that so odd. My marraige is not what I envisioned. I do love my husband but he does have mean temper and he has called me and all 3 girls (1 bio and 2 sd's) every bad name you can think of including the "C" word. SO quit frankly the "b" word is relatively mild sad to say. I guess alot of my resentment comes from not feeling like I have a say.
There has always been the issue if I correct the sd's I'm the bad guy, He can say and do the very exact same thing, reprimand, get mad at or punish my sd's and that OK. I do it I have committed a crime. HOwever if it's my bio - no issues. Its like he gets all defensive about the 2 SD's.
SO 9/10th of our marrraige I have kept my mouth shut. It only when I say something, not be a door mat the fights ensue. Its like I don't have a voice and I am tired of walking on egg shells and not being able to show my authority. (because in realtiy I don't think he believes I have any real say in their lives, only my bio daughter)
TO the poster who said what do I expect by calling her a the "B" word. Not what I got. I appreciate all of you who even though I have behaved badly try to undersatnd where I am coming from and the support of those of you who truly do know where I cam coming from. I need the contructive criticism and the support, I don't need somemone to tell me "What did I expect" That does not help and is not why I posted here. I will post more when I have time.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 10:41AM
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Maria...I did read the original post. What happened in August and what is happening now, may be related, but still, I don't know what you would expect from somebody when you walk into the shared home (it is SD's family home too) and you call her a B***h you shouldn't expect her to react with love and affection.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 11:20AM
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blacksusan... I feel your pain. Isn't it amazing how a step parent is not to have a say and just suppose to take what ever is dished out by Bio Mom, Husband and stepkid! Fortunately I have a husband that backs me up 100 percent. I have my family and his family that knows my intentions have been nothing less than great when it comes to my SD. The only problem with that is it kills SD and Bio mom to no end that they cannot break the bond that our families share. So... with that being said I don't know which is worse because SD acts out very badly because she's not getting her way and she's not coming between us. It has taken me many years to step back and now I have just realized to let go. My happiness will not be dependent on her. I posted last week about "Confronting BIo MOM" and yes i got lashed out by a certain FEW. They expect you to keep your mouth shut and not say anything, but that does not work in every situation. Step parents are expected to keep their mouth shuts, but... they are also expected to accept whatever is dished out to them, nurture their child, spend time with their child, buy for their child, clean up for their child, cook for their child, run errands for their child, take their child to ball practice, gynmanstics, dance, cheer practice, cheer competetions, soccer games, have their hair cut, nails done, and most of all LOVE THEM, but absolutely not discipline them, get onto them, give them constructive advise or never ever are you to be a parent to them. Gee I could go on and on,but you and others get my point.
I only hope the best for you and for all of those that think you have done wrong... everyone does at some point in time. They should not judge you for your actions because at some point you are going to explode,and we all have different ways of doing so.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 11:24AM
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I can understand why you feel the way you do. Frankly though, just because their dad does it, doesn't make it right. The truth of the matter is if you allow your husband to treat you that way and to call you those names, it shows your step and bio kids that it is ok for you to be treated that way. And just because he does it to them, doesn't make it ok for you to treat them that way. It's not ok that any of you treat each other that way.

It sounds as if there is no respect in your home...self-respect or respect for others.

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear, but I tell you, if my SM came into the house and called me that word, you'd better believe I would be seeing RED! I wouldn't attack her physically, but I imagine that I would probably WANT to.

I'm not saying she is 100% right for doing what she did. She was not right. You are not right either, and your job is to set an example.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 11:35AM
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Its true step parents are held to a different standard than bio parents. We are expected to give everything of ourselves and get next to nothing back. ANd I did do all the bring the kids here and there, take to the doctors, dentist etc. It all fell to me. FIne. But nothing is ever good enough when it came to the one SD. One poster said something about expecting once she was out of the house I thought it would be better. That is what I thought. Instead the SD felt she no longer had to follow the rules of the house. SHe paid no rent, no bills we paid for food etc but for some reason she felt entitled to come and go as she pleased and not lift one finger to help. Rules did not applt to her. THe only way she would help if is her Dad asked her real nice like otherwise she would get mad. I don't know if I mentioned it in an ealier posting but she told me in no uncertain terms that if I asked her to do something she would not do it. THis went on for a couple of years. This past x-mas the only thing her Dad asked of her was to make sure that with the WInter parking ban on to make sure that she pulled his truck into the parking space behind her car once she got home from being out. Well guess what. SHe didn't one night and the town sander hit my husbands truck. NOt only did he get a ticket because he was illegaly parked, he also go stuck with the $500.00 deductilbe because he was parked illegaly due to the parking ban. Yes he was mad and he couldn't wait for her to go back to school but he didn't reprimand her. AS far as I am concerned she is morally responsible for the $500.00 deductible. I of course kept my mouth shut because I didn't want a blow out.
Just to add another detail about my SD. Obviously me and her cannot live under the same roof. She could not live with her first roommate at college. (They did not get along. Her roommate asked her not to use perfume because it bothered her. One nite when her roomate was out she sprayed the perfunea all over her pillow) Now she can't get along with the 2nd rommate and now she plans to switch colleges because her first two years of college have not been good one socially for her. Of course none of this is her fault. ANyways I always have to write quick because I am either at work or at home with people over my shoulder so forgive all ny typos, I don't have tume to proof.
My first marraige couseling session is next tuesday. Not sure what to expect.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 2:19PM
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Susan, if my husband called me the c word he'ld learn how to fly and real quick and then the rest of 'his stuff' would be out the door.
I think the sessions will help you.
I think your husband needs to respect you for one thing. And no , its sounds like he doesnt' not want you have a say with his daughters. Sounds to me, like he's raised them and shown them to act inappropriate and disrespectful. This you can blame on him.

BUT, bottom line. Its your house. You've lived there since 6 years old???
Tell you husband your daughter is out for good he can meet her outside where she can keep her inappropriate behaviour confined with her dad.
Then, if your husband doesn' t start shaping up...sorry susan, he needs the boot. I think counciling will help you make a decision to see if you can work together as husband and wife or if its best for you guys to part ways.
It sounds like u have alot of resentmes towards your husband and the fact that you haven't had a say and that he doesn't back you up now or ever did in the past with his daughters.
Why did you stay this long with someone who is verbally abusive??? Was it to protect the girls? does your hubby drink? My father drank excessively after my mother past away and he would also have a viscious temper.
I'm sorry for you hard position. You cannot have this sd in your household. That is a fact. BUt your husband honestly shouldn't be name calling you.
Good luck today in counciling and i really hope things shape up for you.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 2:41PM
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She would of been dealt with the very first time she called be a F'ing B. I wouldn't of let it get that far out of hand. She would of been asked to leave my house and not return untill she could be respectful. Period.

I called my bio mother a b one time when I was sevventeen. I got the back of her hand and NEVER did again adn i was a mi or....this girl is not. SHe is an adult who knows better. I knew better at seventeen! Also when my dad got home I caught it from him. I was told if you are too grown up to respect your mother you need to think about leaving. This is OUR house and you will not cause turmoil.

That's how you handle disrespectful adult children. You can be here but as soon as you start roaking the boat....tine for you to fly the coupe.

If she ever touches you again I'd call the cops and I'd make sure she understood you intend to. I'd also make sure hubby understands you intend too. Don't play with violence. It gets out of hand really fast.

Don't call her a B but the next time she disrespects you demand she leaves....hubby be damned.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 10:40PM
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Thank god I found these posts. I applaud everyone who is speaking up. Thats right Step parents have not rights. We must do all domestic chores, contribute financially to the whole household but yet keep our mouth closed. Just be there lie a piece of furniture that can be kicked around by the step children while the bio Dad just lets them be and do whatever they like without any discipline. I have a young son and 3 step teen step daughter I have know for 6 years. The 16 yr old is a nightmare, is violent, pushes and hits the step mum, swears and all and nothing becomes of her behaviour. Well next time its off to the police and they can deal with it.I feel your pain step mums. I just wanted to be a loving nurturing person, rather I`m stressed, and walking on egg shells when the kids are all here on their week about stay. Fleur gardener, I understand you.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2011 at 7:31PM
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I just feel like being a step mom to two girls ages 10 and 4 is the most unfulfilling, most life-sucking role I have ever taken on. I DREAD every moment we have them, it just sucks. They look just like their mother and say very disturbing things. Their mother has borderline personality disorder. I know all kids are innocent and I love kids but these girls have such evil behavior it is very hard to see them as innocent. I love my husband but these two girls are going to make me crazy!

    Bookmark   February 25, 2011 at 11:33PM
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Ugg...i feel your pain..Im 35, no kids of my own, and recently moved in with my boyfriend who has 2 daughters- 15 and 20. We've been together for a little over a year and his youngest and i have clicked from the beginning-the oldest -a different story. At the time we made the decision to move in together, the oldest was away at a 10 mth specialized college and had told us she was going to remain in the town of the school after graduation. Needless to say that didn't happen and she has moved in here with us. She's had an attitude with me since the first day she met me, refuses to acknowledge me and only speaks to me when her fathers around, she started a huge arguement before she left for school over DOG FOOD and the fact that my dog had eaten a bowl of her dogs dog food and "you or your girlfriend need to buy me a BAG of food". I sucked that one up, refused to give her a reason to talk bad about me and got her a bag. She has a difficult personality,not many friends-not very social in her hometown, and has completely stressed everyone out in the few days she's been back. Her sister who is with us on weekends is out of sorts admittedly from her older sisters presence, her father is stressed all over again (she has NO respect for him and makes snide comments to him). She reports back to her mother (did this before she left) EVERYTHING we did-going to dinner, someone drank one of her sodas, etc...which consitutes nasty calls from her mother-yes for even going to dinner or visiting my father in the hospital...and would leave voicemails which always end in a snide comment about me. My boyfriend refuses to talk to his ex anymore due to the constant arguing yet his ex says its me who won't let him to her anymore, which is not the case at all. I didn't know him when they split up so i don't understand the animosiy towards me. I wish everyone could be politely cordial for the girls sake -I think they'd be so much more well adjusted without anyone having to be worried about the possibility of things being done an/or said. HE won't stand up for himself-almost afraid of female confrontation and its just easier to not deal with it-his eldest daughter, his ex, or even me if we are discussing something that he doesn't feel like dealing with. UGGG I love this man, his youngest daughter, and his family but im afraid the oldest is going to get interfere the groove we created as a family while she was gone for 10mths- and the games will begin all over again. I can't say anything to her-she's not mine. Its a catch 22..I don't know what to do. I feel stressed that she's even here and its awkward to be in the same house and be ignored (her father works nights and she and i are home alone together). When she told her dad she was going to stay here again, she was already back in the area and it was only until her mother could get a bigger place, which according to her dad made him feel like chopped liver (but he would never say that to her). I feel bad for him, i've seen the efforts he's tried to make and its never good enough. I could say so much more but i've rambled on enough. Just needed to vent or ask for some advice.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2011 at 10:32PM
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I'm sorry.

My advice to you is be very clear what you need. She's an adult, but her relationship with her dad is their own. If he's not going to stand up for you or for her, or be the "man" you will forever be in conflict.

My dad doesn't like conflict either. So he plays the middle man and is the one, historically, that we both poured our hearts out to.

This isn't an issue between you and her. This is an issue with your BF.

I'm sorry to say it. But you need to stand your ground. She has a right to her relationship with her father, but you don't have to be mistreated either.

I never mistreated my SM and she was a holy b-word to me for years. My dad just let it all go because he didn't want to fight. Our relationship I fear will never be the same, and now that he's realizing how horrible she was, their relationship will never be the same either. IT's sad all around, and it's mostly his fault.

So, IMO, don't blame the overgrown child/woman. Blame your BF and make him decide how he wants his homelife to be. If that's not acceptable to you, cut your losses.

Do a search for Catlettuce here. I think she mostly posted on marriage forum... but her experience is a good example of what can happen when Skids rule the roost.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 11:07AM
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I don't try to become between their relationship as i realize its theirs, when involved with a BF or husband that has children from a prior marriage, they are a package deal and the children are and should be the first and foremost priority. Im a stepdaughter also so i see both sides, and like i said earlier i wish everyone could at least make an effort to get along. I have thought about moving out - as i don't want my being involved with her father, or me living here to make her uncomfortable- this is her home also, was her home before me, and he will always be her father. I don't need to be stood up for so to speak, i wouldn't ask him to do that on my behalf or for him to make a choice, i'm an adult and can handle it, i just wish he'd say something more for himself and her disrespect towards him and towards others in the house- her sister being one of them-instead of him complaining about it and just a stress-ball.I keep my feelings about the whole situtation for the most part to myself, and not to him- it IS his daughter and like i said, i don't ever want him to feel as he has to make a choice-there is no choice, and if there was i wouldn't be involved with a man who would dismiss his children but there's nothing wrong with him laying some groundrules, but like you said also-thats on him. I will continue to do as i've been doing,treat her as i would even if she liked me, but without cowtailing to her to try and not letting her comandeer the house. Thank you for the advice and i will most certainly look for Catlettuce too! Thanks!

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 10:53PM
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Black Susan,

I want to thank you for being brave and expressing your true emotions. Those judges who have not walked in your shoes should be banned, but I guess that makes a forum.

I am living your life! I have a BPD SD 18....when I hear her voice, I cringe. She is so evil and devious. Her mother was also BPD and just commit suicide in March. I too love my husband but can also envision my life far away from them. I sometimes feel trapped in hell.

I stumbled upon this form because I was in search of Daughter/father odd relationships. A friend brought to my attention that the BPD SD is probably jealous. She is also 95% of the reason we fight. Whenever a fight erupts, SD is right by her father in weird ways. When we are not fighting, she does what she can to get him alone. We have four children combined (all teens) and none have this issue. I once had serious concerns but watching carefully, it was SD who was trying to be more than close.

I've been with them for 12 years now. The stories I could tell!!! I'm either weak or gluten for punishment. I have tried so many things. I've researched BPD, gone to therapy, family therapy....Just recently in the past year, people have seen the real monster. Just after her mothers suicide, things are making more sense to my husband.

I too am on other forums, specifically for BPD....so much compassion for the disease!! These parents take a beating over and over. This is not my kid and I should be able to place boundaries, yet I am stopped and MUST tolerate because of her illness and because of the guilt her father feels. The bio mom sexually abused her and she was in foster care 3 weeks before released to her father.

Uggh! So much to say...I'm sure you all have similar stories. I've had it! I know why you had an outburst. I've been there. The lies, the deceit, the con artist is enough to drive you crazy! For the past few years, I record anything that has to do with HER....she lies so much and I am always on defense.

I used to just stay quiet when family would ask about our situation. I flat out give the truth and I don't care anymore. One of her goals is to go live with a wealthy aunt. (she was there a year and screwed that up). She has literally threatened me that if I tell her the truth of what goes on here, she will make my life more miserable.

Entitlement!!! You earn privileges!! She graduated from a dump school and feels she gets a big party.....I refused to be involved. My house is invaded.

I would love to hear from all of you who are experiencing this pain. I understand the anger, resentment and frustration.


    Bookmark   June 23, 2014 at 11:08AM
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You aren't handling your anger and frustration well, even if it is justified. First you kept everything in, then you exploded with it and 'started' something. Neither are good ways of handling anger and frustration, and it's not good that you suppressed your feelings partially (or a great deal) because your husband has a temper.

The good news is she's an adult living out of the house. It should be easy to avoid her a great deal of the time if you want. If you want to repair the relationship get professional help--and remember you are the grown up and supposed to be wiser, more patient, and more mature. It's understandable if she acts like a petulant teenager, not so much so if you do.

It sounds like the marriage is not good, and I wonder if you aren't displacing some of your anger about that on your SD. Maybe not; I'm sure she's a pain and has been for years, and I'm sure your feelings are well founded. I have no doubt of that. But you can't fix anything until you fix what YOU'VE done wrong that made the situation worse.

I know you didn't come here to look at your part of the problem, but that's the only part we can help you with, the only part you can fix.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2014 at 5:39PM
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'I know you didn't come here to look at your part of the problem, but that's the only part we can help you with,'


Speak for your own faultfinding self, BB.

I've never read *anything* from *anybody* on these forums that sounds remotely like the judgmentalism & condemnation you post.

Krystal, I'm sorry you're in such a position.

Don't let BananaBread's criticism affect you;
although she has offered compassion to the 'children' in every thread she's posted on, she's dished up scathing criticism, blame, & condemnation for *every* parent & grandparent.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2014 at 8:44AM
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Thank you so much Sylvia! I have encountered many BananaBreads. One very critical BananaBread took SD to live with her for a year. Auntie BananaBread shipped her back home and now has compassion for us.

Forums are a great place to vent and find others who experience similar situations. BananaBread should educate herself on BPD and other personality disorders before judging.

Forums have been a place of refuge for anger and resentment from the destruction that has occurred. Then there are forums just to celebrate accomplishments and share ideas. I love the online world and many families I've encountered have been encouraging. Thank you Syliva for posting and reading between the lines with regard to judgment and blame.


    Bookmark   July 25, 2014 at 6:50PM
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i lived for 7 years with stepkids who have serious mental health disorders,. My SS has PTSD, and my SD has clinical depression (probably BP), OCD and anorexia. The biomom also has depression, and her father was a serial pedophile who sexually abused all of his kids. I have long suspected that the biomom abused both the stepkids.

My SD was always moody and prone to lying, but after her 16th birthday, her behaviour got more extreme until she was completely out of control. Our lives were an absolute living hell for the last two years that we all lived together. My SD lied and stole compulsively. She destroyed all the food in the house before we got home to make dinner. We had to keep all the bedroom doors and the pantry locked. Looking back, I really can't believe how we lived or how much we endured.

My marriage did not survive this situation. I wish that I had better news for you. However, my husband could not accept how sick his kids are, and how much intense treatment they need. The situation finally melted down into constant screaming fights as our possessions were disappearing and it became impossible to feed the family. He moved out with them almost a year ago and I now live alone with my daughter. He comes by frequently for a visit but I know that he also needs a break. We get together for dinner or a weekend away on our own. You can be sure that SD will call over dinner to grab a little attention witih an urgent request or need. It never stops.

My only advice Krystal is to take whatever steps to can to carve out a safe and calm space for yourself and your children. It is not wrong for you to insist that you live separately from this girl and her mental illness. Even people who work in mental institutions get a break at the end of the day. It is too much for anyone to take 24/7 indefinitely. I strongly recommend that you and your husband go to see a psychiatrist together and have a frank discussion about putting a realistic plan in place to transition this girl to independent living, and you all to a healthier lifestyle.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2014 at 5:09PM
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Hi Stepmom of three!

I am so sorry for all you endured!.....mental illness is hard. I'm sure you have stories that are horrifying. I'm thankful my husband finally realized there is a big problem. He was in denial for such a long time. We are going to counseling but I do daydream about living alone with my kids in peace.
I agree, the unhealthy lifestyle has taken a toll. I can tell I've aged quite a bit. I never had severe heartburn, anxiety, depression or high blood pressure.
We tried living separately and he ended up coming back because my SD was rarely with him. He eventually came back while she was running from home to home.
Good news....we found a great psychologist for SD. She loves him and he truly goes an extra mile to let her know she is special.
I was surprised to read that you do still communicate and see your husband. That shows there is still a connection and possible reunion? My husband and I swear we are running to Alaska and moving into a small cabin to escape.
Unfortunately, mental illness is mostly incurable and families are forced to live with it.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2014 at 11:06AM
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