SS is starting to see...

lovehadleyMarch 5, 2010

He is really starting to view his mom more clearly! This is not to say he doesn't love her, of course he does...BUT...he has for sure removed the rose-colored glasses. He doesn't believe everything she says and he's starting to see that she's a little....wacky.

Last night...I picked the kids up from school. DH has ben working later lately---we're going on vacation next week and he's trying to get everything tied up before we take off.

So he got home around 6:30, we ate dinner, kids took baths, and then DH went down to the basement with them to play the Wii.

Around 8 pm, we were putting them to bed and, like ALWAYS, DH handed SS the phone and said "here, call your mom to say goodnight."

A minute later, SS came out of his room holding the phone, and looking all angry/exasperated. BM was still talking and DH and I could HEAR her ranting to him, she was so loud!

"WHY didn't you call me earlier?"

"I haven't talked to you at all since you got home!"

"I was worried sick!"

"I am so mad at you and your dad!"

And SS kept interjecting "But MOM, we were playing the Wii..SORRY...we didn't hear the phone ring...MOM, I'm calling you NOW."

But he wasn't apologetic, or guilty sounding, he sounded disgusted and angry.

And then the psycho HUNG UP ON HIM after she got done chewing him out.

I was totally expecting him to cry, poor guy, but he didn't...he honestly was just shaking his head in disgust and he just shrugged his shoulders.

How AWFUL is that that she lays into her son for---GASP--being out of touch for 4.5 hours?!

Then she called this morning to "apologize" and DH put SS on the phone. I wasnt there, but DH said he could hear BM sniffling and crying and she kept asking SS over and over if he was mad at her.

I would bet a bunch of $$$ she's drinking!

As painful as these things may be for SS, I think in the long run it is GOOD for him. I've noticed with him more and more when she calls several times a night he doesn't want to get on the phone with her. He'll groan and say "but I just talked to her." I think DH needs to help SS be firmer. The prob now is that DH will MAKE him get on the phone with her.

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sweeby

Grrr... Yup - It's crazy-making.

Can you help SS put together a few simple sentences he can say when he doesn't want to talk on the phone anymore? Or a signal he can use to let you or Dad know he wants to be called away? (I'm not a phone person, and when I was a young teen, I'd keep a 'help' sign by the phone. Whenever I flashed Mom the 'Help!' sign, she'd yell at me to get off the phone and Do My Homework Right Now!)

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 11:59AM
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lamom

lovehadley,

How aware is your SS about the drinking piece? It is always such a difficult and touchy subject. Maybe when she callss and you or DH know that she's had a few, you can just say or signal, BM is not at her best and let SS decide whether he wants to talk to her that way.

Or just run some interference? Of course, that might make a bigger problem. Either way, I agree with Sweeby, you need some system to filter these crazy calls for that boy.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 12:04PM
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nivea

geez, drunk dialing your own kid. I like Sweeby's hand signal suggestion for SS. Definitely have either you or DH talk to Mom first to scope out her sobriety, if she is loopy I would use a simple answer why he can't come to the phone "it's not possible, he's cleaning his room."

Definitely document every time she calls drunk, document that call the other night and the morning after apology call. That's just insane.

I know your DH doesn't like rocking the boat but this is extremely unfair to your SS, he may need to talk to BM about acceptable times to call, the length, how many times a day and sober. He's the adult, quit letting him pretend everything is a ok.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 12:28PM
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finedreams

she drinks, that day she called and yelled she was drunk and then next day she fell guilty and called apologizing. simple. if she continues calling drunk then it is time to go back to court. i agree with nivea, document every phone call and what was said and take her to court if it doesn't stop

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 7:07PM
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pseudo_mom

SHE'S 8 MONTHS PREGNANT.... hopefully she's just a bitter bit$h and not drinking.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 7:34PM
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finedreams

i thought she already had a baby, too many BMs pregnant to remember LOL

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 8:06PM
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ceph

Psuedo said "SHE'S 8 MONTHS PREGNANT.... hopefully she's just a bitter bit$h and not drinking."

Good point... But do we really credit her with the sense to not drink while pregnant?
Recall that this is a woman who drunk-drove with her 5/6 yo in the car.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 9:25AM
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lovehadley

"i thought she already had a baby, too many BMs pregnant to remember LOL"

She has a 2 year old, but she is due again in May.

"But do we really credit her with the sense to not drink while pregnant?"

NO WAY. With her last pregnancy (her 2 yr old little girl) I was HORRIFIED. This was during the time period where she was trying to be my "friend" and I cannot tell you how many times she called me or DH, crying/sobbing, and absolutely wasted. She got kicked out of bars many times. It was disgusting.

I actually changed my opinion this time, though, I don't think she was/is drinking. What bothers me even more, though, is that her behavior/attitude is still the same.

I think she's been on her best behavior in the last year due to all the court stuff. And I do think she's managed to stay sober. BUT--what bothers me is that I feel like her drinking is really just a symptom of her issues. Alcoholics don't change---they might become a 'dry drunk' but the behaviors don't go away without counseling or working a 12-step program. IMO.

I'm really, really worried about after the baby is born. With SS and her DD, she had terrible PPD issues that really seemed to cause her to go off in the deep end. She was out drinking and saying she got raped not 3 weeks after her daughter was born! :( She really went nutso after DD was born, and DH said she was the same after SS was born, which really caused the demise of their relationship. He said the first 10 months of SS's life, he would come home from work, she'd pass him the baby and walk out the door and come home drunk at 2 AM.

This is one of the reasons I am going to at least attempt to renew my order of protection. I don't know how she is going to be once this baby is born and it scares me to death. Her attitude towards me is still one of jealousy/anger/hatred/hurt. Her strong feelings towards me remind me that she could lash out again.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 10:24AM
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sweeby

If she's prone to PPD, she needs HELP! Serious mental health help, and it would be a great kindness (not to mention responsible parenting to SS) to see that she gets it. Can Hubby talk to Mom's BF/DH/BabyDaddy?

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 11:02AM
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lovehadley

"If she's prone to PPD, she needs HELP! Serious mental health help, and it would be a great kindness (not to mention responsible parenting to SS) to see that she gets it. Can Hubby talk to Mom's BF/DH/BabyDaddy"

Been there, done that, Sweeby.

Unfortunately, BM's DH is....a loser. Sorry, but he is. The guy has an 11 year old DD whom he barely sees. He used to all the time, but BM did not like her SD and basically shoved her out of his life. When their now 2 year old was born, BM made her SD share HER room.

When her DH was working out of state, he went months at a time without seeing his DD, even though he was supposed to have 40% custody. When he would come back in town for a weekend, BM would INSIST that he not get his DD for the weekend because they needed "couple time." This guy would LIE to his DD and tell her he was still in Texas, when really he was HOME for the weekend, 15 mins away. :( THen to make it worse, if it happened to be a weekend SS was with US, BM would call and ask if they could have him for Sunday breakfast so SS could see his stepdad!!! But they wouldn't get his DAUGHTER.

i know all this because all of this was going on while BM was reaching out to ME and DH for support/friendship.

Just recently, for example, BM called us while SS was with us. She wanted to talk to SS.
THe jist of this was--BM and her DH were out shopping for a new bed for his DD. BM wanted to ask SS if HE would rather have a new bed.(He had a bunk bed.) Of course, SS said "yes, I want a new bed."

So SS got off the phone and told us that his mom was going to give his step-sister his old bed, and they were going to buy SS the new bed.

I mean, how does that work??? The girl is treated like the red headed step child and it is DISGUSTING.

I could go on and on about how she has been treated. We have heard many a terrible thing from SS about it.

My point is---her DH is an @$$. He and BM hate each other half the time. He didn't care when she was out drinking last time she was pregnant, he would swear at her and call her a loser, but he really didn't care, so long as he could run off to "work" out of state and probably cheat on her.

DH & I think he pretty much sticks with her b/c otherwise, he'd been stuck paying child support for THEIR two kids, when he already pays a pretty hefty amount to his older daughter's mom.

He doesn't care.

Nor does anyone in her wacky family.

Aside from all that...WE are not responsible for BM's choices over there. Yes, it would be "responsible parenting" of us to do that but we cannot MAKE her do anything. We already tried that the second go around in court with trying to force her into alcohol treatment. She balked and refused and eventualy weasled her way out of it by not signing the release form from the courts to relay the proper information to the treatment center.

DH and I can only do so much, you know?

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 12:29PM
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ceph

Hey LH? You said "When their now 2 year old was born, BM made her SD share HER room."

We only have a two bedroom place. DSS is going to have to share his room with baby when that time comes for us...
I don't know that I'd paint BM as a monster for needing the person who is there the least to share their bedroom. (Obviously there may be parts of the story I don't know)

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 6:38PM
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lovehadley

"Hey LH? You said "When their now 2 year old was born, BM made her SD share HER room." "

I wasn't saying that sharing a bedroom is bad. I guess I just thought it was kind of weird that BM would make HER share a bedroom. At the time her daughter was born, her SD was still on the 40% visitation--coming over every Monday, Thursday and EO Sat/Sun nights.

It was my thinking that given the fact that she was the oldest (SS was only 5.5 at the time) that maybe she should remain in a private bedroom; and SS and the baby could share. It kinda seems to me that the being the oldest comes with certain privileges and one of those would be having one's privacy if it's available. I would think SS would have "cared less' about sharing his room than a pre-adolescent girl who already feels treated unfairly in the home.

I don't know...I see your point in "the kid who is there the least" sharing, but really, at this point in time, SS and SD were both there almost the same amount of time--SS one extra day a week than his stepsis.

But with BM--it was never any question that OF COURSE her son would remain in his room, and SD would be the one to have to share.

Maybe that was a bad example...but trust me...the woman has RUN THIS KID out of her DH's life. This girl barely comes over anymore and SS has freely told us it's because his mom and her don't get along. :( DH and I have talked about it many, many times and how this girl truly gets treated like the "red headed step child." DH has even said things to BM about it---because the division between SS and his stepsis is VERY obvious, and SS has (in the past) said really mean things about her to us.

DH tried to speak wtih BM at one point about being kinder to this girl b/c it wasn't setting a good example for SS, but BM never hears it. Ultimately, we decided we can only control what goes on at our house.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 7:19PM
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ceph

Ahh, OK. I see now why you used it as an example.
Since things were pretty equal for the amount of time your SS and her SD were at the house, then it's a little odd that she wouldn't put the younger two in together.

If this was JNM's BM, I'd say "She probably just wanted the 11yo to take care of the baby for her"
But I'm not sure why she'd want to put her baby in with a kid she doesn't like (other than to drive the kid away).

    Bookmark   March 6, 2010 at 9:09PM
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lovehadley

"But I'm not sure why she'd want to put her baby in with a kid she doesn't like (other than to drive the kid away)."

I know why. This was all going on at a point when she was trying to be my friend and was calling me many times a day, generally with one drama or another. She as much said that she didn't want SS (ie--HER KID) to have to give up his own room.

Now---I have to admit--I can understand, as a parent AND a stepparent, that motherly instinct. BUT when you're a stepparent, as we all know, you have to do your best to look at situations with objectivity and see what makes sense for ALL involved. And maybe that might mean giving the OLDEST child the privilege of having his/her own bedroom, if sharing is an issue.

IMO it would make more sense to put HER two younger bio-kids in a room together. It also makes more sense *to me* to have a 5.5 year old and a baby share a room.

Then they moved when the baby was about 1 yr old, anyway, and they now have enough bedrooms, but apparently, the damage was done. After her DH had been working out of state for months on end, his relationship with his DD had fizzled. From what we know now, the girl really doesn't come over on any sort of regular basis.

My whole point of this was to show the kind of man that her DH is. Sweeby was suggesting DH or I talk to him out of concern for BM and her PPD issues. My point was--he is the kind of guy that really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I don't know how he is now, I am guessing nothing much has changed in the last year. When BM was friendly to me, her DH was rude and hateful to her a lot. He would call her a loser, and much more vulgar names. Then she'd get upset, go out and drink, and feel bad about herself even more...and the cycle would repeat.

I am sure the guy hates me b/c that night last April---when BM was crying at my house---I was encouraging her to reconsider her marriage! I was encouraging her to enroll in this RN program she was interested in, to get herself on a path to independance and productivity. I was telling her how GREAT that would be for her kids to see, and how she would be bettering their lives by doing that.

But, as you can see....nothing much has changed.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2010 at 8:53AM
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sweeby

Oh well...
Seems crazy people just can't help themselves...

    Bookmark   March 7, 2010 at 2:14PM
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