Step daughter damaging to marriage

stellatrumanMarch 14, 2011

Hi all,

New here as I just found this forum. I am so relieved to read that I am not alone in my ongoing battle with my situation.

In a nutshell ,

Been married for 14 yrs to my husband. We have a " yours , mine and ours " family. I have two daughters from previous marriage, ages 23 and 21

He has 18 yr old D from his mistake, I mean first marriage

My kids are close to him , but thanks to husband's ex , I have never had a good relationship with his

We also have a 13 yr old daughter

His D has been a constant source of stress and and strain throughout entire marriage , nit to mention his unstable ex.

She has never moved on and prefers to make our lives miserable rather than make her own life happy

It's a very unhealthy situation and I am nearing my breaking point.

The problems have definately escalated in the last two yrs , beginning with a battle over SD getting her license and husband buying her a all fairness, he DID buy my oldest a car when she got her license..difference is, she :

A ) worked for family business, sometimes without getting paid from very early age

B ) never asked for it and instead showed complete appreciation and respect

C ) D # 2 bought her own car with her own $ as we could not aford another and neither was willing to share same car )

When it was his D's turn , it became a huge battle, with BM egging the entire fight on with every fiber of her being

It was horrible and with the way she treated her dad, didn't deserve a bus pass

In the end, he did get a car for her , though we really couldn't afford it and she truly didn't deserve it

In the last year and half, been nothing but battles and arguments , most of all I stay away from but it is becoming increasingly difficult

The parent in me knows that she is a product of growing up with hateful, vengeful, bitter monther , but the wife in me is furious about how she treats my husband and me and rest of family

She is the epitome of negativity

Miserable to be around and becoming a mirror of her mother

16 yrs of this has really worn me down and erroded our marriage

There is a different set of rules for her than anyone else , and that has grown way beyond old...

I have hated one person in my entire life, and that is her I am beginning to hate her too

I know my husband is stuck in the middle , but he has never really stood up to his ex ( under the excuse that she just seeks revenge and takes it all out on his D ) He also really isn't there on my side when there are conflicts between SD, EX or me..I think he chooses the easy way out and takes it for granted that I am the least combative and knows I love him

I am sooo sick of living this way , but don't want to give either of the crazies the satisfaction of destroying us..and also don't want our daughter to get torn up anymore either

After a nasty argument that occured last week between SD, my normally extremely patient oldest D and me, I have come right out and told husband that I cannot be around her anymore...nor will I do anything at all for her since I am not only never thanked for anything , but she goes out of her way to insult me , then expect me to do stuff for her

I think it is what I need to do for myself to try to maintain my sanity and health

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant and vent

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Rants are good. Rather cleansing. Wrote and then deleted a rant myself to ex DIL just a while ago. Normally she does not 'get' to me, but this week she's been pushing it. Better to let it out here than cause additional unneeded issues.

The girl is 18. She will be graduating in a few months? Bet there will be a few more tirades about work and college ect yet to come.

Mistreatment of you is not excusable, but I can actually see why this BM went off about cars. Dh bought one for your daughter (does not matter to that BM that this girl earned hers) and then DH squealed over buying his own daughter one (yeah, yeah, money does not grow on trees, there's only so much and this kid did nothing to earn one but but....).

Did BM offer and/or help Dad purchase a car for their daughter? Or just expect Dad to cover it all?

I never bought any of my children cars. Did not pay their insurance to be able to drive one either. Not that there is any wrong with helping the kids. For me it was more an issue of having five kids, sharing what 'they consider 'theirs' does not always work, and wanting them to 'work' for big ticket items. I paid for things like education, loaned them my vehicles and taught them about sharing and earning privileges. But that's just me and my ways. Nothing wrong for parents to do things differently. I just never did for one what I could not do for me that would have built resentment and rivilary between kids. Extra stress I just did not need in my life. My SS got and deserved anything and everything mine and ours got/get. The easy part for me though that differs from most stepfamilies here is that I and DH (thirty plus yrs of marriage now) never had a another bio-parent to deal with. It was and has always been just DH/I and the kids. Opposite bios bowed out at birth.

Does SD live with her BM? I can't imagine tossing my family away and 14 yrs of marriage because a SD is at a difficult age and BM is annoying me. You're worked too hard at this marriage/family stuff to let them get you down now, right? All these oldest kids are on the verge of growing up and moving on, they'll be starting their own lives.

While I would expect and demand 'civil' even sometimes natural siblings have issues between themselves at this age.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 11:36AM
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I didn't even read past the part where you call his first marriage a mistake. There are ex-wives on this forum too. And maybe you don't have a close relationship with his daughter because you see her as part of your husband's 'mistake'

Just saying

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 12:35PM
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Hi justmetoo,
Regarding purchase of car fpr his daughter, wasn't that he didn't want to purchase a car , but was met with it being a competition about how and what it would be. He wanted to buy a car he could pay cash for , but that wasn't good enough..even though it was all we could afford. It would have saved a lot on insurance too , but because it got so ugly " you love her more than your own daughter, blah , blah, " Our finances are different than when he bought my D a car and no, BM mother didn't help with any of it..between the car payment and insurance it costs us $500 a month, and she isn't grateful at all..he told her that he wanted no one but her to drive it, and mother is not to drive it at all , but she lets respect.
and my 21 yr old bought her own ( though it was a $5000 car ) and yet, never once complained about that...ugh

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 1:06PM
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No myfampg, this is not the case. I too am an ex-wife so I get that angle too..the bad feelings and resentment go way beyond that
16 years of daily unnecessary phone calls , harassment , lies and attempts to sabotage our marriage are wearing very thin.
I do admit that the resentment is compounded by the fact that SD acts more and more like her mother everyday

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 2:00PM
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I get it about the car thing too. Does she live with you or her mom? Why would a non custodial parent be asked to purchase a car or expected to? If child support is paid, the parent receiving the support should purchase the vehicle. I wanted a way expensive car and did not get it because I didn't deserve it but because my parents were not going to break themselves over a car.. When I turned 18 I had to start paying them for my inexpensive car. Your DH is as much to blame for buying a car that you can't afford. Why would he do that? Guilt? I see some parents do thinkgs like this out of guilt.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 2:41PM
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I disagree that child support is for purchasing vehicles and other expensive items.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 3:52PM
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My DD is 23 and still does not own the car, well not like she needs one where she lives but anyway...
even in areas where it is a neccessity parents are not obligated to buy cars.

I agree with myfampg, calling first marriage a mistake is rather rude and I think if you have such negative attitude, it probably shows in your relationships with SKs. Even if first marraige did not work out and even if she is rather unpleasant, still it is not your place to pass judgements. My SOs' exwife is very obnoxious and caused him and the kids a lot of grief, but I would hesitate to call their marriage a mistake.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 4:23PM
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--"I disagree that child support is for purchasing vehicles and other expensive items".--

I agree with this with you, Silver. Child support usually does the boring stuff like roofs over heads, food in tummies, some clothing if custodial parent actually gets enough ( or even gets what is ordered to be getting). Education, health insurance, car insurance, cars, sporting events, blah blah blah are least in my addition to children support. Things like education, healthcare ect are smart to put in the agreements, but even things like all the little extras that kids want, want to do and might actually need should not necessarily be dumped entirely on the custodial parent. Some custodial parents get pissy amounts like a $100-$400 a month, some are suppose to but actually get nothing. Using these figures as examples only as I'm sure some custodial parents do receive a lot more if the other parent makes large income and/or has a very good agreement in place...I'm just saying, just because daddy/mommy send something like $500 a month does not mean that is going to cover everything. Ever stop and figure up a month what it cost to raise just one kid, house, feed, keep warm/cool, clothed. And that's just the bare necessities. On top of that, not all custodial parents have a new partner to help out with normal household expense, might be working min. wage jobs and/or trying to survive with a bit of state assistance.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 5:38PM
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Not trying to split hairs here , and I am sure that I am striking a nerve or two with some posters , but of course the first marriages were mistakes..otherwise, we'd all still be married
Call me rude about this , but they both admit to it being a mistake , if nothing else
Yes, it was a guilt thing to buy the car , though he had nothing to feel guilty of..I guess when you are told over and over again how horrible you are , one tends to cave in in the hopes it brings some peace

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 7:06PM
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Yikes lol nerve damaging no. Just your opinion. I can see your point Stella. I do not think my first marriage was a mistake because out of that marriage I have a beautiful little girl. But I see your poInt of view. I hate my ex but he wasn't a mistake -- we had some good years there. As a child of divorce if I ever heard either of my parents describe their marriage as a mistake it would hurt me severely. Because they Would be saying we weren't worth it to them. It was just a mistake and should have never happened.

As far as support goes, I get support and I'm still not living the fancy lifestyle of my support payer. I probably never will. Because I only get 'support' while I carry the burden of 92% of my child's time paying for things he only pays 20% of his wages while the 8% of my childs time he pays for. It's not nearly equal. I do not get extra help. In fact, last week he dropped DD off at school on Friday (Thursday night visitation) and I still had to run to school to pay her lunch money because he sent her without lunch On HIS visitation day. So I get that. But I doubt very seriously when it comes to a car for DD he will help pay. I will have to use child support just like I use it for childcare now if my DD wants a car. However I will not be spending $500/month when I don't even pay that for mine or DHs combined (excluding insurance). And DD will have to do SOME kind of work at home, babysitting or a parttime job in order to pay insurance. When she goes to college, this will also be on me so it's my responsibility NOW to put away a small piece of that support NOW to save up for college because I know in MY situation that exDH will not help in that area either. Same goes for medical bills NOW. Ex is to pay 1/2 do you think he does? Nope. Do you think after all the court crap we go through that it's ever enforced? Nope. So I have to take a small amount out each month and put it aside in case DD gets sick in between paychecks and I need money. I do receive more than $500 and it's on time since it garnished and I get that I am very lucky because both my sister and my sister in law have looser ex's that work under the table and have no check to garnish. I very lucky that my ex, although a jerk of a dad and ex, loves his lifestyle enough that he stays gainfully, respectfully and legally employeed. I was just wondering why Stella's husband is the one to have to pay.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 10:44PM
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I don't think (or hope) the fact that she is saying that it was a mistake is meant to be hurtful or is so awful.. My Dh has often said his marriage to ex wife was a huge mistake and he wishes that someone would have been there to tell him that he was making a mistake. However, he also says that the only good thing that ever came was his children that he wouldnt give up for the world... he just wishes he would have made a better choice for a mom. It's contradictary to say that but that is how he feels and I get it.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 12:49AM
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I have never met anyone whose child support was that substantial that it allowed fancy life style. Unless ex-spouse is exceptionally wealthy CS usually just covers the basics if anything. Well some exes might have a perception how they support custodial parents with CS, but really...not the case. It cannot be compared to actually raising a kid.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 6:08AM
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Glad to know I am not alone in my thoughts and frustrations with situation with SD and husband happens to be a very generous man and has given more than required on several occasions ..and I have never complained about that. Although BM has good job as a teacher ,she is very bad at managing her money and is always in trouble..and makes the child feel like somehow WE are responsible for their expenses. Four yrs ago , we bought a home and there was a misprint in one of the local papers that she stumbled upon ( pretty sure she was googling us ) Anyway , the paper lists this home purchase and also same day has us listed as buying a very pricey vacation home with two other people..kind of funny , since not only does is it a misprint , but the address doesn't even exist. BM told SD that " we can afford to buy two new homes in the same day , but can't afford ......"
SD has had a good summer job for last two summers , soon entering a third but has not a dime of that saved ..why ? because she has given it all up to mother to help pay " their " bills while mother is not working
Now that college is coming up , we are entering another battlefield. Just as she told her that we own several homes , she has told her that we have paid for two expensive private schools..and they have but what she doesn't know and is NONE of her business is that they earned scholarships, and my mother's contribution made it possible to attend these schools..we paid about what it costs to attend a community college , lucky for us
So now , she is being fed the line that " daddy doesn't love you because he won't pay $40G like he did for the others "...ugh

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 7:35AM
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--" what she doesn't know and is NONE of her business"--

None of her business? Meh, maybe not, but sure might help her understand. If you look at only what she can see...what is visable for her to form a view point, what can she see? That Dad's other family has kids going to blah blah while SHE is giving her earned money to a parent to help pay bills. Two homes. Not her fault the paper made a typo. There seems to be a real lack of communication going on here. I can't say I can totally blame a BM and SD for having some resentments...whether they have been formed from misunderstandings, 'none of your business' attitudes, or what, no clue. But try to stand back and see what they think they 'see' before taking such offense.

The SD can't be all that bad if she hands over her earnings to pay household bills. This does not sound like a teen totally self absorbed. Most teens who work do so to try and save for school, vehicles, a bit of spending money and maybe a few fun things...this kid is paying her mother's bills. Sounds like she has a choice to 'save' or have a home and eat...what a heck of a choice for this teen to be in a position to have to make.

Has the girl's mother been laid off in the recession and struggling to find another job? Health issues?

--"my husband happens to be a very generous man and has given more than required on several occasions ..and I have never complained about that"--

My DS and SS don't consider themselves 'generous men' to be raising their sons and they both give regular basis much more than 'required'. They consider this to be co-parenting and their responsibilty to their sons. The 'required' amounts are ok I guess to please the courts and meet their 'legal' obligation, but their 'parental' obligations to their sons calls for much more in addition to. Even myself...I feel I should and I desire to give to my SGS everything and anything that I do for my own grandson. These children and grandchildren, mine, his, ours are my family, my husband's family...I just could not handle doing things differently or seeing my DS and SS do things differently.

I'm not trying to judge and/or tell anyone else 'how things should be' or what and how they should do things, but OP came to vent and chat and that's all I'm doing letting her vent and chatting along with the other's responses. Sometimes it helps to hear/read other persons viewpoints and take on things. You're sharing a bit about your life and how it is for you and your family and I"m sharing back a bit about myself and my family...that's all.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 9:53AM
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I understand what you are saying . It has been explained to SD about grandmother's significant contribution towards fact I wouldn't classify it as merely a contribution, she took on the bulk of the COA for both of my girls as well as their cousin.
SD simply believes what she is told by her mother instead of the truth on many matters

The point of her paying mother's bills is upsetting because it isn't her responsibility to use her money to support the household and pick up the slack for her mother's financial irresponsibility.
Her mother has not been affected by any lay-offs or anything like that..she simply mishandles her money and always has...not our fault and certainly shouldn't be told to the daughter that we are somehow supposed to take care of that
BM was given a very large sum of money over the period of four years , post marriage break-up and has nothing to show for it , except for a few stamps in her passport
And my husband truly is the most generous man I have ever known , not just to his family , but to others in our community as well. But that doesn't mean there aren't limits to what and how much he CAN give

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 10:16AM
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I think my ex probably says the same about me -- I got money when we divorced and I still have nothing to show for it. It's easier for him to say that because when we divorced, his income increased by immediately moving in with his gf who had an income and my income was almost nothing because although I was working and receiving CS, I was having to now live on my own and pay childcare which caused me to literally have nothing. Ex and new wife often make comments that I don't manage my money very well but honestly, it's just that there wasn't enough money to go around in my little single parent household.

I think I probably don't really understand the 'real' facts of ExDh's finances and it's none of my business -- but while they live in their fancy house, I rent, his stepdaughter goes to a prestigious preparatory school while our daughter attends public school. While I use my vacation days for snow day closings, sick days for doctor visits, school carnivals and field trips, he uses his for expensive vacations to Disney, Europe, cruises, etc. And the reason I do know this is they are always so kind to bring DD back a souvenier from their lastest family vacation.

So I agree with whomever said maybe it's not their business but if they see what they think they see then they see what's put out there. For all I know, ExDH doesn't spend a dime on trips, maybe his family does or maybe his stepdaughter receives tuition from a grandparent or her father. I was told once that her father was paying for private school but then recently I was told something else. So I don't know and don't care because I am fine with public school and pleased with my daughter's education ... I just get tired of ... I can't afford to pay 1/2 of health insurance ... Yep while his wife drives a brand new Lexus... It just ticks me off...

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 2:30PM
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I think it is both parents responsibility to raise children and it includes providing and making sacrifices.

I notice that sometimes there is an assumption that mother is supposed to raise children but father just has to help. Both parents have to co-parent and raise their kids together even after divorce.

Well no matter how much CS one pays, it is not comparable to actually raising children. Most single parents have nothing to show for.

Also statistically aftre divorce men's situation improves and women's worsens, espcially if a woman is custodial, which is usually the case. So i am not surprised that she has nothing to show, it is very typical.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 3:35PM
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Let me throw in my perspective from a man's point of view.

1. Your H and You need to understand the game teenagers play to get parents to do what they want. That game is called MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY. You both have to make the right decisions based on your financial situation and equality, and don't listen to what the kids say. YOU BOTH ARE THE ADULTS and PARENTS.

2. Teenagers often are selfish, by nature and often don't show appreciation, until after they are in college or on their own. So be patient w SD.

3. Once the children are 18 or older (after highschool) then your support is no longer automatic and as matter of fact. The support is based on (a) whether they are helping themselves - going to college or working to save money to be out of their own, and (b) their level of cooperation and appreciation.

4. NO is the least used word in parenting but yet the best word in our entire vocabulary if we are to be happy and stress free.

5. The past is the past, living in the past only wastes your time in the present moment. Your H needs not to listen too much to his X. Of course, she only has negative stuffs to say to you all. Now since the D is over 18, the XW should not have much too say, esp about your finances. Your H needs to stop the non-sense from his XW, in the tract. If the xw decides to use the negative stuffs to influence her D to thing badly of her dad and you, and so be it.
You and your H just live your life the way you want. Live and let live. Don't let children destroy your marriage. If you let them, they WILL.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 7:31PM
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Thank you shakti for the male point of view..I agree with much of what you said. The odd thing is, I really don't think of my SD as being a selfish person, but strongly influenced by her mother , which is why the car issue took place. Her mother is big on keeping score and tallying what she assumes to be in terms of who gets what.
I have just seen a bad turn with SD in the last few years and not just on her relationships with all of us..she has become aggressive towards teammates in some of the sports she participates and just a general negative tone towards peers. She used to be sweet and compassionate as a whole
( though not towards me and sibs )
I feel sorry that she is lacking in some valuable people skills , such as conflict resolution. I keep hearing about how " mean " her classmates are towards her and I used to believe it because she is socially awkward and a tad immature. Now I am beginning to wonder if it is just because others don't always agree with her and she can't deal with that. The rapport that the other girls in the family from 23 to 14 is one of loving, arguing, support, teasing all rolled into one..the older girls love to tease the baby ( lovingly , not maliciously )but she can dole it out and run with the best of them.
My decision to stop seeing her has a lot to do with not letting her get under my skin or interfere with my marriage
It is controvercial, I know but I feel that my well being physically and emotionally has to come before any more futile attempts to get along with her.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 8:22PM
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While I don't want to repeat things that were already said, I think some of the other posters had valid points about the clear lack of communication between your husband and his ex, as well as the way your situation might look different from the outside. What I did want to say was it sounds like you're judging your SD by unrealistic standards. You describe the other girls in your family as having a close, happy, and fun relationship. I'm assuming your kids live with you, while your SD lives with her mother. I think that definitely changes the dynamic of the relationship and would prevent her from being as close to the other girls. I also think, even though she shouldn't have had to do it in the first place, the fact that she helped her mother pay bills says a lot. You wrote that one of your own daughters could pay for her own car, and how another "deserved" one because she worked for the family business occasionally for free. By those standards, shouldn't your SD deserve a car too? From the sounds of it, she has a job and contributes to her household. Maybe it's not your household, but I still think that shows that she can be responsible. It's not like she had a job and wasted all of her money on inconsequential items while she could have been saving for a car. I'm not saying that she has the best attitude, it seems like she doesn't always behave appropriately, but you can't expect her to behave similarly, and have the same outlook on things as your daughters when she's had an incredibly different upbringing.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 10:59PM
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I agree that you should not let her ruin your 14 yr marriage. Like you said earlier, you have another child to think of. And you obviously adore and love and cherish your husband just not how he handles his ex and their daughter. Time will move on. I think honestly you and your husband have to come to some common ground on how SD interacts with your family and when since she is now an adult.

I hope that your situation gets better.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 11:10PM
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--'My decision to stop seeing her has a lot to do with not letting her get under my skin or interfere with my marriage"--

I understand that a break period might be best to let things settle down a bit, but am curious as to how this is going to work. Does SD come every weekend, every other? I guess what I'm wondering is how you'll not see her yet still DH have time with his daughter. I think you have to be careful in how you approach this so you don't end up making more resentment and issues. I kinda hear BM now 'now my DD has been banned from her father and his home like an unwanted rattle rattle rattle...'. SS might imply this as 'Dad really does love the other kids more and does not want me around him anymore'.

What I'm saying is, think this one out long and hard and discuss the why and hows with DH. With graduation coming and then summer job taking up SD's time, I'm sure you'll be seeing less and less of her anyway, but what about until then?. Short of you making DH choose between families or you actually taking lots of 'away from home time', what are the plans for implementing you not seeing the SD anymore?

At the times SD is there, how can Dad make things easier for everybody? These girls are family,'sisters' after all these years. They'll have each other and be together through thick and thin long after you and Dad are no longer around. Dad needs to step up hard as that may be for him, he owes it to you, your family together and the sake of your marriage. You should not have to be dealing with SD all alone or without support and she being disrespectful towards you. You should also not be the one having to deal with BM. This statement says a lot --"There is a different set of rules for her than anyone else , and that has grown way beyond old... I have hated one person in my entire life, and that is her I am beginning to hate her too. I know my husband is stuck in the middle , but he has never really stood up to his ex ( under the excuse that she just seeks revenge and takes it all out on his D ) He also really isn't there on my side when there are conflicts between SD, EX or me..I think he chooses the easy way out and takes it for granted that I am the least combative and knows I love him"--

This may be what and where you need to work on. He has let you become the bad guy, let you deal with what he either does not know how to or is afraid to. He's put you here so now together DH and you must discuss and decide how you both turn this around. Give you the much needed break you need, yet does not damage and/or destroy his relationship with his daughter.

You sound like a strong smart lady, you've held this family together for 14 yrs. You've only got a handful more years to go before all the kids are grown living their own lives and/or off getting their education and careers started. You might think about conflict resolution/counseling together. Might be something that could be helpful especially for DH. It sounds like until the teen years (which are always difficult years) you all have done a pretty decent job of the marriage/parenting thing.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 7:23AM
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I think it is hard to articulate properly while online. When I said my SD didn't deserve a car , it wasn't because of her not living in our household or anything such as that . It was because of the things that led up to the purchase of the vehicle.
My daughter got her car as a surprise. I didn't know anything about it until the day we went to pick it up. Husband did it because he appreciated her sacrifices and didn't want her to take bus to school anymore ( she was involved in extra curriculars that put me on the road a lot )
D2 was supposed to share but neither or them could work it out with their scheduling conflicts so she asked if she could use some of her savings to buy a car that a friend of ours was selling and we let favoritism , just problem solving
Husband also wanted to get car for his daughter , but our finances had changes in the 5 yrs time since first car purchase..what we could afford was a decent used car that could be purchased for cash.. It was an issue of practicality ( we live 15 miles from their former hs , SD, less than a mile to hers )
The battle began because BM insisted that the car be more expensive than D1's car , or else it proved he didn't love in that household is measured in dollars spent
SD was beligerant in the search for car saying such things as " I don't like the color of that 2002 Jetta " You can shove that (f-bomb inserted here ) car up your a$$ "
Hardly a positve experience..we were looking at the local Toyota dealership at some really solid used cars that we could afford when one of her outbursts took place over the phone within earshot of the GM of the dealership...he turned to my husband and said to him, " you might want to think this thru because if my kid talked to me that way ...."

So , no..I don't think a child who talks to her parent that way deserves a car

If we had bought the car that we could have afforded to pay cash for , it would have been a done deal..her mother could have registered and insured it , but because it just had to be brand new and therfore financed , we have to take care of every expense and it costs $500 a month.
It was a hollow victory and another way to guilt him into trying to keep peace , though that approach never works with BM and SD . There is always a new battle brewing with the two of them and it wears him down physically and emotionally.
There was a period of time when I convinced myself that once she was old enough she would understand things better and see that all of the awful things she has been told about her dad were not true , but I have given up on that now

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 7:48AM
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I was lucky to *borrow* my parents extra Japanese mom-mobile when I was a kid.

Every kid isn't equal. They may get different things. If my child EVER spoke to me like that...

Well. She'd be buying her own f-bomb to shove. I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm paying for it.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 9:46AM
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I honestly can not believe he bought her a car after all of that. That is insane!!

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 5:19PM
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Parenting starts from day one when you bring them home from the hospital. She is 18, clearly too late to start parenting. Although maybe she lived with mom, dad is as responsible. I think when kids are so rude, both parents to blame.

That's a shame, I don't think it is even about car but about bad parenting. If my DD spoke like this to me or her dad, i would probably have a heart attack, I would think she is doing drugs or something.

I also wonder if Bm is that awful why didn't SD live with dad?

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 5:52PM
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You know it was discussed when SD was just shy of her 4th birthday. She was being horribly neglected and we took her to live with us for the summer while her mother ran off to Europe. I got some of her bad habits tamed ( like brushing her teeth, drinking milk instead of Mountain Dew, having a set bedtime and sleeping in her own bed , reading books instead of popping a video into VCR to keep her quiet )
She was clean , rested, nurtured and eating healthy food..then when the summer ended , so did the stability.
And no, I wouldn't have given my kids are car if they were so disrespectful
The window of opportunity closed a long time ago.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 7:01PM
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It seems like the arrow has long gone from the bow. You definitely need to talk to your h about your feelings. I would approach it as seeking helps and seeking to understand his view points as well. Many times we come to talk, but yet we come with pointed questions that makes the other person immediately becomes defensive. Try not to do that.

1. What is the expectation of the car? Is this her car so when the payments end she can have it or at certain ages or conditions she will return it and get one on her own?

2. How long are you all willing to pay for the car payments and her insurance ? to what age and what conditions the help will continue or stop?

3. Your H needs to make it clear to his d that the car is the one and only one gift because you all don't have money. Wait until the D gets married then it will get even uglier and more guilts.

4. You two need to talk and be clear of your finances, and most importantly OBLIGATIONS. Like I said, one day your H will be paying for the D's wedding, so is he setting aside some of his take home $ for that. Otherwise, you will be mad as he will touch into your savings as well. Is your XH saving now for his D's weddings?

Blended families w prior children are complicated. The mine field is full on mine. Your H and you will need to be clear as to who do what, to whom, when.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 7:24PM
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"She was being horribly neglected "


she was horribly neglected yet lived with her mother her whole life with the exception of one summer????

If a child is horribly neglected, I would expect it to be addressed with courts/lawyer/judge?

If my DD was horribly neglected by her dad, DD sure would not be living with him. So dad allowed his child to be horribly neglected in mom's household?

Something just does not add up...I think there is way more to this story...Possibly SD is acting out and being rude because she resents her dad for allowing her to be horribly neglected...

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 8:16PM
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PO1- you expect to much ... the fact is that lawyers will tell you to your face that you can spend thousands of dollars and yet not get your children if you are the father trying to get custody from the mother... infact there are statutes least in my state.. that specifically state that the court (in not so many words) favors the mother. It is easy to say take custody away ... it is a lot less easier to actually do it. And courts do not listen to things that should make a difference because the "mother" can change her ways and do the things that are being complained about.

It is very easy for those outside of the system to judge but when you are just making enough money to pay the bills and support your kids...paying hundreds much less thousands of dollars to fight a system that is against you is unimaginable...

We committed ourselves to losing everything just to have our kids.. but then losing everything gives her standing to take the kids back away from us ... it is a very serious sad catch 22

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 12:44AM
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you are right mom_of 4, it could be hard. But it didn't appear that OP's DH ever demanded full custody, call CPS about horrible neglect, maybe he did but it was never mentioned?

We aren't talking about minor things, apparently child was "horribly neglected", at 4 and assume later on as well. One summer the mother went to Europe and kid stayed with them, not because of neglect. And plenty of kids stay with dad for summer, it does not mean they live with dad.

Either neglect is exaggerated or dad is guilty of allowing it.

Bottom line of this story is that SD is resentful and angry because both parents messed up and let her down and dad is as guilty if not more. But nobody wants to address the real issue.

Maybe SD feels he owes her because he allowed neglect and money that he could spend on fighting custody he now should spend on a car for her.

This story is nto as simple as it sounds, it never is.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 6:08AM
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--"We aren't talking about minor things, apparently child was "horribly neglected", at 4 and assume later on as well. One summer the mother went to Europe and kid stayed with them, not because of neglect. And plenty of kids stay with dad for summer, it does not mean they live with dad.

Either neglect is exaggerated or dad is guilty of allowing it. "--

I caught the 'horribly' too, but did not actually see much more than rotten parenting skills/actions in the actual examples Stella gave. Mt Dew, video to shut kid up, not properly kept clean and tidy, unhealthy food and poor sleeping habits...these examples why inexcusable to me and you as a mother are likely not 'take your kid away' via court/judge. The examples given instead of the word used...horribly...don't click together unless we are talking what we consider a horrible parent, not what a courtroom would necessarily rule one as.

But I totally get the what may have happened from there. Child who is not overly well (to our standards) cared for and then child goes for visits to another home where the kids are well dressed, well fed, have loving caring mom that cuddles and reads instead of 'shut up'...and the puncher? This other household has HER FATHER. Yeah, I can see why the girl built resentments and has some anger issues. And now as she's older she sees these other girls doing and getting what she is not. That's alot for a child to understand and she has a BM who points out all the differences she herself may not have seen/known. BM can blame BM's own lack of parenting and abilty to be a good mother on FATHER instead of taking responsibilty for her own rotten motherhood/adulthood actions.

I'm not ready to 'hang' Dad here yet, I think Stella used a poor choice in words and did not mean child indeed was 'horribly' neglected just horribly neglected in the light of how Stella, you or I would parent.

Can't do anything about a hateful, resentful, jealous BM, but I'm wondering if there is still time to help the daughter? I think this teen needs some professional help to let her sort it all out. The 'shove it up your a##' attitude and bubbling over with resentments and anger can't be healthy nor is it going to produce a young lady that is stable and ready for the adult world.

I don't know. Guess you'll have to let Stella clarify a bit more for us.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 7:21AM
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When I used the " horribly " to describe the living conditions , I guess that could be in the eye of the beholder..there wasn't drug or alcohol abuse . There was filth in every room,a cat box that was overflowing with feces to the point that the cat had moved on to using the floor and countertops. There was not a clean article of clothing for the child .There was a pot of water with hot dogs and mold and spores growing on the stovetop. There were papers scattered about and a curling iron ( plugged in ) resting on top..the list goes on and on but that was enough to convince the mother to let us take her home with us..a lawyer was consulted and just like mom of 4 states , the law was more in favor of birth mother than us...and also, my husband did not demand custody because he believed that children should be with their was a mess. BM's sister , who happens to be a great mother also tried to urge that SD come to live with her family , but there was a lot of denial and covering things up from maternal grandparents.
Eventually , the mother did take parenting more seriously when she became school age and had been diagnosed with learning disabilities..still emotional abuse ( like being told repeated bad things about father and all of us , and of course the favorite , about dad not caring about her )
And the part I find very odd , is SD seems to have absolutely NO memories of this time period..literally ..
There was a recent argument between husband and her , and he brought things up but her response was that none of those things ever happened..
Yes, I think we could all benefit from some counseling
( SD refuses )
She really doesn't come over to our house , and I have not forbidden her from doing so..they go out to dinner once a week..she has not been coming here on a regular basis in quite some time because there is always something more important that spending time with her dad

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 7:48AM
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OMG, 'Horribly' was right, Stella. Thanks for clearing that up. Filth. Cat poo. Mold. I'm shivering here. That poor baby.Wonder how differently things would be for SS if her mother would have let Dad or the Aunt take the little one. I'm surprised CPS did not at least send in a caseworker that would have insisted on classes on housekeeping, nutrition ect and supervised the progress. It does sound like once the schools could keep an eye on the child BM had no choice but to clean her act up a bit.

Almost makes one wish there had been some drugs or something so the courts could not turn a blind eye. Maybe in time SS will agree to counseling, co-counseling with her father and they could perhaps learn to accept each other and he could help her into adulthood and be a part of her adult life. May not, maybe it's too late and too much damage, but my heart breaks for the little girl that was and the troubled teen she has become.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 8:16AM
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Neglect is one thing. Abuse is another.

Unfortunate but true. Having a lot of animals, keeping a dirty house, not requiring the children to brush their teeth... those are all "horrible" to those of us who give our animals regular baths, wouldn't dream of keeping a full litter box and play toothbrush police every night.

But if the courts were to come after parents for this we'd have no room for actual criminals.

There's one little girl in DD's class who has brown hole/spots on her teeth. The school offers free dental checkups prior to each year of enrollment. I call this neglect. But it's none of my business, right?


    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 11:48AM
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I have often questioned whether or not SD actually struggles with thinking she is being disloyal to her mother when / if she has ever had fun with us.
And also wondering if she somehow surpresses her memories from early childhood..
Somewhere in these comments , there was a poster that remarked about the definition of time spent with father as compared to living with...well it was more than one summer ( and we have a seasonal business that operates 7 days a week during the summer ) Meanwhile , mother is school teacher and obviously had summer off...and chose two summers in a row that she should take time off from her parenting.
It was just slightly more than just spending a couple of months caring for her on a full time basis..and when she was in kindergarten , I had her every morning ( half day for K ) afternoon and also gave her dinner.
In looking back , I think it would have benefitted her growing up either with our family full time , though it would have been even bigger strain on our marriage having to deal with BM even more than we have in the last 16 yrs
Or also , had she lived with her aunt , uncle and cousins.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 3:23PM
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well I see..still from what you described CPS had to be involved..but too late.

Now I don't see how it is wrong if a child lives with mom and mom takes summer off. So she takes time off parenting, why not? By this definition noncustodial parents have permanent time off parenting. Plenty of custodial parents send kids to noncustodial parents for summer and other breaks.

See same logic again moms suppose to raise the kids full time and do parenting with no time off, dads are being heroes even if they do basic stuff like cook their own kid dinner and being resentful. Both parents have to parent. It was dad's job too. OK she had dinner and was watched in a kindergarten and stayed with dad for few months, that's what parents do. Custodial parents do it as a daily routine, what's the big deal?

Seems that dad and SM blame everything on mom. Again it is not that simple, both parents let her down.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 6:02PM
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PO1 I see where you are coming from and actually thank you for acknowledging what annoys me constantly in my situation. If I ever ask BD for 'help' regarding pick up or a weekend that maybe I need to work or whatever -- even if I never ask all year long, as soon as I ask just once they scream, you are neglectful and just want a break from parenting. When it should be SURE BM, we never have child during the week while you take her to school, pick up, feed, bathe, homework, shop, activities, why not let BM have an extra weekend or time when she needs to work extra to get some overtime-- instead it's screw BM she's a deadbeat for asking.

On another note, I also Agee with mom of 4 that says it's difficult to get custody. In Tx it's not so difficult these days. More fathers are winning day in and day out, custody battles for reasons other than just neglect -- but finances or quantity of family. If a man has a stay at home wife while BM has three jobs to support herself and her child, dad will most likely win custody because it's in the best interest of the child to be in a home with family rather than have single mom working 3 jobs while child sleeps at grandma's. I think it's crap because that was my situation however I got a judge that just thought DH was an idiot and said she would rather have dad pay more support so I didn't have to work so much to support myself and our daughter... And that his wife was not the best parent to raise our daughter -- then of course we had other issues come up and they won't ever be able to get custody, they barely have access as it is.

My point -- if there is one-- is fathers can get custody it's very expensive. We just paid $5k today down on our $10k balance with our attorney. We have already spent $20k in this legal fight. And we are going to trial in a couple months which will cost us another $10-$15k. I would not suggest anyone spend this kind of money unless your child is in extreme danger like my child was. I had to protect her. And although our lifestyle is less than what we would like it to be, my child is alive, healthy and thriving because I protected her. I didn't start the battle and when I am asked if I would do things the same, I always say absolutely! Because her welfare is that important to me. And I think we have benefited from the courts intervening. If a child is in extreme danger and neglected, you must do what you can to protect them. Their futures depend on it. Children who are abused or neglected are more likely to be the same type of parent they had.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 7:29PM
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yes, myfampg, I was acknowledging what all custodial parentrs have to deal with and how easy noncustodial parents have it, yet they are the ones who complain the most...Like watching their own children once in awhile is some heroic action...

I agree getting custody is expensive.

but I think parents could be involved and be positive role models even if they are not custodial.

it is too easy to wash hands off and blame someone else who actually does the job! Maybe not always perfect job and maybe they make mistakes but at least they raise their own kids.

and i think the most bizarre situations are when kids do not even visit or barely visit and dads don't bother yet they are the ones who complain about SKs and BMs the most!!! You don't even see them! Try to actually raise them.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 8:17PM
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1. Bratty daughter has two parents.
2. She is siding with the mother and causing problems in your marriage.
3. Being a parent means teaching a child consequences.
4. She is not 2!

Therefore, CUT HER OFF. She is not fun to be with and is being abusive and destructive. It abusive and destructive parenting to let her get away with this. Let her know in a very loving way that when she is ready to be civil and decent, she is welcome in your home, until then goodbye. Pretty easy, simple stuff here. Heartbreaking, yes, but simple.

If your husband loves her, he will not let her treat others this way. She is too old to do it any other way. She needs some tough love.

Also, many women have more of the husbands income that the husband (it wasn't me, but it was certainly true in my husbands case). Let me enlighten some you: Husband made $150,000 year. Had no savings because ex spent it all. In addition to spending it all she also spent over $150,000 in his 401K. He had no savings, no home equity, only $1,000 debt service to pay back from ex-wife's spending. Ex-wife got over $200,000 in his 401K at the time of the divorce, which meant he got nothing, due the the remainder he was paying back in a loan. She left him with custody, so he wouldn't fight, then 6 months later fights him for custody. She ends up with kids and $2,500/month child support or $30,000/year. My husband nets $58,000 ($50,000 taxes/ins, $30,000 cs, and $12,000 debt service from marriage-for 10 years). On top of this the court makes him pay almost all the GAL fees ($25,000) and her attorneys fees ($20,000). Spread over 10 years this is $4,500/year. Not to mention we have been in almost constant litigation with her for 10 years and there have been many more additional costs assessed to him. So this is how one lives below the poverty line on $150,000/year.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 8:56PM
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I'm losing interest in this thread as it is beginning to be a bit nonsensical.

First --"After a nasty argument that occured last week between SD, my normally extremely patient oldest D and me, I have come right out and told husband that I cannot be around her anymore...nor will I do anything at all for her since I am not only never thanked for anything , but she goes out of her way to insult me , then expect me to do stuff for her".--

Then --"My decision to stop seeing her has a lot to do with not letting her get under my skin or interfere with my marriage."--

Now --"She really doesn't come over to our house , and I have not forbidden her from doing so..they go out to dinner once a week..she has not been coming here on a regular basis in quite some time because there is always something more important that spending time with her dad".

So which is it? You've announced you're done and not going to see this SD anymore, do not want to be around her, yet she does not come over and has dinner with her dad once a what's this whole thread been about? You don't have to see or deal with her or her mother currently, if you are it must be by choice...we're talking one dinner out once a week inwhich I assume is meant to be for the father and the daughter.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 11:28PM
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Not sure justmetoo what about this is nonsensical to you
Do you think that there would have to be some structured , predetermined time adhered to for me to choose not to be in her company ?
This has not been the case for some time..there were countless times where the visits were cancelled , usually last minute when plans were made and adjusted for her. That doesn't mean that she never came around..we just didn't know when that might or might not happen. Most times she makes a date and is a no-show
My own girls had a hard time sticking to a structured schedule of time spent with their dad once they were teens and involved in sports and other extra curriculars ( and dates too )

And also , why would you presume that I /we " don't have to deal with the mother currently " ? Would one have to come face to face with someone in order to " deal " with them ? Believe me, she makes herself known with her daily,multiple , un-necessary phone calls to all locations
And , choice is to NOT have anything to do with BM
My husband is more than welcome to have dinner or anything else they would like to do together as often as they can..I choose to not be part of it anymore.

Does that explain it to you any better ? That is , if you aren't too bored with this thread to actually still be following it ..
Are you a DBM , with remarried husband and struggling with that by chance ? I am just wondering why my posts strike such a nerve with you

    Bookmark   March 18, 2011 at 7:56AM
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Nerve? No not at all. Just stating you did not have to deal. DH should have always been dealing. Phone calls? Seriously, no need for you to communicate with BM at all. If DH wants to take her nostop daily calls, that's his problem...I assume he's not incapable of knowing when and how to put a stop to it.

If Bm stresses you and Dh allows to to stick yourself in the middle of it, you really have no one but yourself to blame for finally getting to your wits end with it all.

As far as the boredom, well your postings started out with venting. Fine, we all need a good vent now and then...but we went from what sounded as a current issues (immediate) to find it's nnothing more than once a week dinners that you do not even have to atttend in the first place. So I fail to see all the need for the 'big decision' making progress of informing DH your'e done. So you're done, stay home. Doubt the kid enjoys getting a dinner out only to be hit up on confrontations and agruements anyway.

Nope, you're calling my number wrong. Have one SS, one 'my son' and three 'our' kids arranging in age from 40ish to 11. been at this a long time. Been married 30 plus years, happily and with happy kids and productive adult children. Actually for a living I'm a negotiator/representative for grievances and contracts.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2011 at 9:41AM
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Daily non-stop multiple phone calls? That's new! Ouch, what about? Our BM used to make phone-calls and sent emails in all capitals with some nonsense. SO didn't pick up the phone and deleted emails and then eventually blocked them. He wasn't engaging, so she stopped.

You DH continues engaging his ex and dragging you into this, no one is going to make daily nonstop multiple phone calls if no one picks up the phone, and I don't see why you need to be involved in BM's drama? SD is not even visiting and you don't see her, so what's the drama about? Was it about the car, neglectful BM, SD visiting or not visiting, what's the issue?

The whole family seems to have difficulty with conflict resolutions and addiction to drama. I think you might want to hire justmetoo to help sorting your grievances since that's what she does for a living. LOL

    Bookmark   March 18, 2011 at 7:22PM
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^^^ I have tried til blue in the face to stop the endless phone calls, but even if I make the choice to not answer when I see it come up on caller ID , it doesn't stop..and yes, my husband should have stopped this long , long ago but obviously that didn't happen
And where it gets worse if that it isn't just the cell , and home phone she can't get thru to, she calls our business to the point where she drives employees nuts too ( multiple phone lines ). She just is relentless and to me, unless there is some sort of emergency , there is no need to call your ex-spouse on any regular basis , let alone in the manner she goes about.
I absolutely do not want or invite the drama no matter how much you might think
I only want a peaceful coexistance and to live my life free from this.
And whether or not you define dealing with this as face to face or even what you might consider as a benign phone call , It is a huge stress..If this is what you do for a living , I can't believe you haven't encountered a situation like this
Very happy you have had a happy marriage with suceesful children as a product of such .Imagine for a moment that at any given private moment you share with your husband ,you might get a phone call from someone that can and will spoil it..could be breakfast , drive in the country , intimate moment, vacation , crack of dawn and sleeping name the circumstance when you would like to be one on one with your spouse..and the more you try to stop it, the more the calls come..and the shouting for not taking the calls, all within earshot of vulnerable child who is caught up in it her entire life..unless you experience something like it , you cannot imagine what it is like to live it..
And you also seem to discount my choice to verbally state to my husband that I want nothing to do with SD..again not any idea how difficult that was to declare.I wouldn't want to deal with any professional who is biased without closely examining all facts , and I realize not easy to distinguish with online forum posts
Though I don't have 30 yrs of marriage , I too have raised 2 out of three children ( third only 13 ) very well adjusted , motivated and successful young adults so I'm not some kind of drama queen monster

    Bookmark   March 18, 2011 at 8:00PM
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Stella I can relate to not wanting anything to do with SD but my SD is 12 hahaha long way to go ...

Some of these women are very helpful :)

You don't have to admit it I don't ... that any of the stuff going on is partly how you and SD interact with each other ...

If my SD can't get her way with what ever her whimsical thought is at that very moment it's "all pseudo's fault" ... 6+ years now its all my fault ... >6 to go :D

I didn't read every single word you wrote ... but not going to pick it apart word by word to make my point either.

You are not the only woman in the world who wants nothing to do with your husbands child... it doesn't make you a bad person ... but you have to figure out how not to let her get to you. No clue how .. I work a 2nd job the nights she is here ... :)

    Bookmark   March 19, 2011 at 12:03AM
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LOL, PO1. You were in a good mood last evening. Nope, not for hire. She pegged me as a DBM strugling with a remarried husband...was just setting the record straight.

Seriously, labor/management/personnel conflict resolutions are not much different's bringing two sides together to work towards a common goal aka 'getting along' and/or protecting and preserving rights and agreements and correcting violations/perceived violations.

And yep, she's right in that there should be genuine desire of both sides for a true impartial evaluation. I kinda wondered though how she thinks a one sided story (hers)and the other side of 'the story' (also given by her) is giving a true unbiased 'picture' to examine and seek actual facts? LOL...sure two sides of a story presented by one person (which happens to be a part of one side and came to 'vent') using nothing but 'her' sole perception and interpretation of a 'case' and wants an unbiased opinion. Whatever!

Anyway...Stella, I truly hope you find some peace in your life. I wish you well.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2011 at 9:07AM
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...there are too many contradictions and no facts here, first you declared that you don't want to see SD then it turns out that she hasn't been visiting anyways.

So is the issue that you don't want to see SD or that she does not want to come over, which one is it? It is rather silly to announce that you don't want SD to come over if she does not come over anyways, all on her own.

I wish you the best too, hopefully your family can get some peace in their lives

    Bookmark   March 19, 2011 at 5:02PM
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Wow. This post could have been written by me. Stella, I completely empathize with what you're feeling. I'm going through an almost identical situation myself right now, even down to my husband's sociopath ex-wife. He has custody of his 2 teenage daughters, & always has--they live with us. I have custody of my 2 sons, 1 a teen, the other pre-teen, & they live with us. Younger SD is becoming more like her mother every day, & I think that's part of the problem. She's rude, disrespectful, selfish, loud, arrogant, & so completely convinced everyone else is wrong & she is right. Over the past year I've learned to change the way I deal with her, & let a lot of things "slide"--she gets away with things the others do not. But, it has avoided many conflicts. Last weekend, when I asked her for help with housework, she said "I don't want to". When I told her, "Fine, I'll remember that the next time you want something from me" & started to walk away, she yelled at me--in front of her father (my husband), who did absolutely nothing. I lost it & yelled back--not the best reaction, but I was fed up. We have not spoken since. I was furious with my hus. for a couple days, but we've been able to work it out, & he did talk to her about her behavior. But, Stella, I know what you mean when you say you don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they broke up your marriage. But, as hard as it is, try not to let the situation control you (like I allowed it to last week). I'm trying to feel for the girl--she's just a sad child trying desperately to grow up, & she just wants to feel loved. But, it's impossible to love, or even like, her behaviors right now. My husband encourages me to be patient, she'll come around, but it's do difficult; I'm not a patient person! Stella, please know you're not alone. Anyone with any advice? I'd appreciate it.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2011 at 8:54PM
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Oh, and before anyone attacks me for calling the ex-wife a sociopath, I should share that she has been diagnosed by a court-ordered psychiatrist--I think the term he used was borderline personality disorder. Hus. has had custody of daughters ever since they split up 16 years ago--she has visitation every other weekend & 4 weeks in the summer. It was suspended, then supervised for years, but she finally earned unsupervised. She has not been physically abusive to the girls in at least12-13 years, that we know of. My hus. & I are always very careful not to talk about our ex's in front of our kids--we go in our bedroom if they are the topic. I actually have a civil relationship with my ex, & he has remarried--his new wife is actually a good person, & a good, stable influence on my sons.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2011 at 9:00PM
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From what i have read, yes there are plenty of issues with the ex-wife, and now the SD, but the one thing that sticks out is actually the husband.

I don't want to offend... but he sounds a bit spineless. It's not really want you want to think about the person you love, but his ex behaves the way she does and he allows it. He caves in, he gives her what she wants, and the daughter has learned this behavior as well. She knows that it doesn't matter how she acts, she can guilt trip him into getting whatever she wants. She also knows that he does not require her to show respect to you. In truth, he is not showing respect to you to require you to endure poor treatment. (i could be wrong, maybe he gets upset at her when she acts poorly to you) this is just what i can see based on the comments you have made.

This is also the most difficult position to be in, because you can't make him stand his ground and change some of the boundaries and respect issues happening. It's something only he can do, and because he hasnt, and doesn't, you keep getting hurt by it all.

The guys are usually afraid that if they don't give their ex whatever she wants, that she will make a big fuss and cause problems and drama and keep him from seeing his children. But, this child is an adult now. He really doesn't have to put up with any of this unless HE WANTS TO. Your husband is choosing to let the situation hurt you, to avoid having to take a deep breath and be the bad guy and tell both his ex-wife and daughter that this situation is not ok.

If he had done this much sooner, you might not be dealing with a SD who has a lot of issues now. He helped teach her how to behave like her mother. He allowed the mother to treat him and you the way she does. Ex's will ALWAYS cause problems at some point or another. It's human nature and part of the grieving process when a relationship breaks. But not setting correct boundaries, and your husband not showing YOU the respect he should have is what has created this nightmare that does not seem to have gotten better despite 14 years of marriage.

After all this time, he is still answering all of her phone calls. Why should she stop calling? She knows he will answer. Why should she stop guilt tripping him about his daughter? She knows he will do whatever she asks him to. There is no reason whatsoever for this ex, and now this daughter to behave any differently than they are. Why should they? They are getting what they want. And, it is your husband who is allowing it.

The problem is not really the ex, and not really the SD.

For women, it seems to be much easier to set those boundaries, to enforce them, and to insist that our ex shows respect to us and to our new partners. Most often i hear from ex-wives who say that they do not have these problems with their ex-husband. maybe because they had no problem moving on?

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to get your husband to stand up for you and your new family together, and you two as a couple. If i knew those answers I wouldn't be in a similar situation. They have to want it themselves. Maybe you are TOO understanding, TOO considerate, and TOO willing to put up with it?

You will not change the ex, or the SD, but your husband is married to you and loves you and he has built a life with you. You do have a right to ask him to do something about his own behavior.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2011 at 4:05PM
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