Drama again...WWYD?

lovehadleyMarch 5, 2009

DH has continued working long hours. I am the one watching SS most of the time when he is at our house.

It's been going fine, it's a little stressful at times, but we are all getting used to it.

Here's the deal, though. BM seems to have a complex about me watching SS. BM's mother dumps all this guilt on her about how SHE should be watching her child, blah blah...and BM says the same things, but then at the end of the day---she really DOES want the break, too. It's like she doesn't want him to be with ME but she really doesn't want to have him on my DH's time, either. She complains when I watch him but then if DH offers her extra time with him, she complains that it's DH's parenting time, not hers.

BM called me earlier in the week to talk about the plans for the week. (this is really where DH should be handling it, but he can barely keep his head on at work, let alone find time to talk on the phone.) No joke, he is pretty much working 12 hr days 6 days a week now. :(

So BM and I were going over the schedule for the week. The issue of tomorrow (Fri) came up. SS is off school tomorrow, and it's our weekend. So I said I just planned on having him with me all day. She asked me what I planned to do with him and I said that I had a couple quick errands to run b/c Friday is the only day this week I don't have to tutor; and I also had a hair appt. and I had just planned on bringing him with me, and he would get a haircut, too. She FLIPPED out and called DH ranting about how a)she doesn't want ME taking him to get his hair cut and b) that won't be any FUN for him and she wants him to have a fun day off school. UMMMM, the kid is starting THREE WEEKS of spring break, tomorrow is the first day off--we are going to the beach next week---he has PLENTY of fun ahead! And GEEZ--sometimes life is not all FUN AND GAMES. I had to run errands with my mom growing up and it didn't kill me! Sorry, but I am not going to completely center my schedule around what's "fun" for a kid---DD OR SS.

So BM then called her own mother who (I am surmising) gave her a huge guilt trip about how SHE should be responsible for her own child if DH can't. BM then calls back later and says that grandma wants to watch SS all day on Friday---she wants DH to drop him off in the morning, and she's going to take him to breakfast, bake cookies at home, maybe go to a movie, etc. She wants DH to pick him up from her house after work. Grandma NEVER does stuff like this with him AT ALL so DH and I agreed it would be a great day for SS, no problem.

Yesterday BM calls and says grandma has changed her mind and only wants him for a couple hours. And not any earlier than 9 AM. This means I am going to have to drop him off at grandma's and then she wants to "meet me" somewhere in the middle a couple hours later.

Honestly, this is becoming a bigger hassle than it's worth-I would honestly just rather have SS stay with me all day tomorrow. I have a few errands I really need to get done tomorrow before our trip, and then if I have to coordinate my hair appt, dropping off and picking up SS, PLUS getting my DD from school at 3-----it's just not worth the trouble.

Keep in mind, grandma lives 25 miles from our house--so we are not talking a quick jaunt up the street.

I suppose I could ask grandma to drop SS off here when she's done. I don't know if she'd do that or not.

It just seems like such a hassle and I'm inclined to say forget the whole thing! I don't mind having SS stay here at all and it is actually good bonding time for him and I. I rarely get any time alone with just him.

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Personally, the first mistake was to entertain her question of 'what do you plan to do?'. I would have said "Have fun." and leave it at that because it probably would not matter what I said after that, she will find a reason it's 'unacceptable'. Then, if she said her mom wanted to take her for the day... fine, she can come get her and drop her off. I am not a taxi service. If it's only for a couple of hours now, I wonder if it's intentional to ruin your day? She now has the information that you plan on being at the salon, running a few errands, etc. and not sitting at home doing nothing. I would not have given her that much info on MY day.

If you do drop off SS and grandma won't bring him back, then she can keep him until dad gets off work or you are done with your day. It sounds like a HUGE hassle and inconvenience. You had already accommodated having SS with you and were willing to bring him with you and now BM wants to throw a monkey wrench into it... along with her mom. UGH! Stand your ground. If BM wants to keep SS for the day or if her mom wants him for the day, let THEM transport him around YOUR schedule... or wait for your DH to get out of work.

This particular subject really irks me because my SD's BM would pull that crap to mess up my Friday's and I put an end to it by telling her that I am doing what I have planned and if SHE is going to be late, SHE can wait for me to get back... I AM NOT WAITING AROUND FOR HER. I AM NOT RE-SCHEDULING MY DAY FOR HER.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 10:34AM
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"Personally, the first mistake was to entertain her question of 'what do you plan to do?'"

You are so right!

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 10:41AM
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I totally understand your want to keep the harmony with BM and that's probably why you entertained her questions. It's almost like a sick want for us to "keep the peace" and show the BM that we can take care of the skids just fine.

I wouldn't entertain this whole thing at all UNLESS it's convenient for you. If BM has THAT big a problem with what's going on on YOUR TIME, then she needs to take the day off to be with him or HER MOTHER needs to come pick him up and drop him off at your house at designated times (so it doesn't interfere with your day). If you are going to be out at the times she wants to come, tell her she will either have to change her times or sit in your driveway and wait for you to come home.

I wouldn't budge on this. BM is trying to run your life and you need to put your foot down (as does your DH). My ex tried to do this with our son when my DH disciplined DS and my ex didn't like it. He tried to tell us that he needs to be consulted on parenting decisions that go on with DS even when it's happening in OUR HOUSE. I was like -you have got to be kidding me to the ex. I told him he could take a flying leap and that there was nothing he could do to control what goes on in my house so he'd better get used to it. I turned it around and said that the same goes for ME as far as what goes on at his house (he keeps the kids up way too late, coddles them when it comes to what they will and won't eat) and even though it makes my job harder when I have them, I still have to deal with it b/c it's out of my control. He got that message real quick and never brought it up again.

Put the foot down now. ;)

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 11:48AM
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I would have dh call bm and say that you had no problem letting ds go to grandmas FOR THE DAY. But he has to work and you have errands so this few hours only stuff will not work. Grandma either keeps the child all day as planned or child stays with you. One or the other....

Give her no other options. If you let her start this crap she will make your visitation he**!

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 3:06PM
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I think both DH and BM are at fault here. neither one of them is doing what they need to do. dad needs to watch his own kid on his time. mom needs to revisit visitation and custody schedule and ask for more time since dad isn't spending time with his child.

I understand dad needs to work long hours but I think that you watching SS most of the time, when he is supposed to be wiht dad, doesn't serve any purpose. If dad cannot be with kid like ever, then visitation or custody needs to be rearranged.

yes mom needs a break but if dad can't or won't watch their kid, then mom has to do that. they both are using you and taking advantage of you. you aren't the one who had him, they did.

i was married to a workacholic and I know how that is. he is still a workacholic but i am not dealing wiht it, lucky me. the only difference is that X would bring work home or take kids wiht him to work all the time. even dragged them to business trips. not ideal, but better than nothing. i know what workacholics are. yes it brings big money but it takes away from everything else.

maybe your DH does not udnerstand that kids grow up fast.
now when DD is grown i wished i spent more time with her and worked less. money is just money.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2009 at 3:50PM
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"maybe your DH does not udnerstand that kids grow up fast.
now when DD is grown i wished i spent more time with her and worked less. money is just money. "

This is all just temporary, though. DH has his own dealership and with the economy the way it is and sales down, he's had to cut back on his sales staff and help. This = more work and hours for him. Hopefully, sales will pick back up again and he will be able to re-hire people.

He always used to work a half day on Saturdays, or sometimes even take that day off when SS was with us. He used to be home around 4:30-5pm every night.

Hopefully, these hours are temporary. I know DH feels extremely guilty about working so much but he is trying to keep his business running smoothly.

I am at least crossing my fingers that it is temporary! And I know DH is, too!

    Bookmark   March 7, 2009 at 4:20PM
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