Maybe I'm imagining Things....

ashley1979March 30, 2009

Hello everyone! I haven't been able to be on here for a while, but I wanted an opinion on something that happened this past weekend. I'll give you just the facts so you can give me an honest and unbiased answer.

About 2 months ago, my SO's DD joined a competitive cheerleading squad. The practices were mandatory and that was the reason given to SO for why his DD couldn't visit. She hasn't been here since New Year's Eve.

She was supposed to have a competition this past weekend so SO has had plans to attend since the beginning. My DS and I couldn't attend due to prior plans so SO was going alone.

Well, the competition was cancelled due to his DD getting booted from the squad two weeks ago for something completely out of her control. She was upset and understandably so. But SO decided to go anyway. He hasn't seen his DD in almost 4 months and misses her greatly.

I'm not sure if any of you know, but last weekend was pretty crappy here in Texas and New Mexico and Oklahoma. Cold weather, rain, ice, and snow. SO left on Friday and got stopped for the night at a road block. Had to spend the night and wait for the roads to get plowed. So he left the next morning. By the time he got there, it was 24 hours before he had to leave to come back.

Here's the thing I need the opinion on.......When he arrived, BM was having a BBQ at her home with her family and friends. If she knew that SO would be there, why would she schedule a BBQ with her family there?

Thanks for your help!

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What type of things are you imagining?

- Some type of 'come on' that his Ex set up to get SO back?
- A conflict so SO could not spend much time with his daughter?
- A distraction so Ex wouldn't be forced to interact much with SO?
- A ruse to keep SO and his daughter apart?

The imagination is a pretty powerful thing -- and it can drive you NUTS if you indulge it.
Do you have any more substantive evidence to suspect something unpleasant?

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 10:15AM
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Well.....I guess things are always unpleasant when it comes to that situation. I feel like I am always waiting for the next thing BM will do to sabotage what little time he has with his DD.

IMO, there's only 1 reason to have a BBQ the day that SO has been planning for months to spend with his DD and that is to minimize the time they spend together alone. If she has a BBQ with family and friends, then DD would have to be there and thus won't be able to spend alone-time with SO. That way, she can't have any heart-to-hearts or re-connection and she won't miss him. As long as BM keeps her away from him, she won't long to be with him and BM won't have to send her.

BUT, that's just my opinion developed from all of the other things that have happened since BM moved her away from us.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 11:07AM
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was SO invited to that BBQ? if he was, then maybe there is no secret agenda. are her family and friends close to SO? last summer I visited DD at X's house during her college break and he invited bunch of family and friends over more than once, it was fun. When X visited DD at my location I had family over on more than one occassion, X is friends wiht my brother. What is SO's relationship wiht those people that she invited over?

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 12:58PM
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Yes....SO was invited, by default, but he didn't even know about it. He found out about it when he pulled up in the driveway and saw all the cars. But he does not get along with BM's family and friends. For whatever reason, they treat him badly whenever they are around for any of his DD's events. When they would come here for things, they would ignore him except for the initial greetings and never acknowledge me or my DS.

When the competition was still going to happen, it would've been on that day so the BBQ wouldn't have been possible. So this was obviously scheduled in the 2 weeks since the competition was cancelled.

I think that's the part that bothers me the most. She intentionally scheduled this thing, and SO's DD would've HAD to be there or else it would've been rude to not be there with her family.

She gets to see these people every single day. They take her to and from school every day and she spends lots of time with them on the weekends. Why would she need to share very small amount of time she would have with SO? Even if SO would've gotten there when he was supposed to, they would've only had about 36 hours together. Which, we all know, is really about 20 hours if you take out sleeping time.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 2:27PM
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I was genuinely clueless what it was you were suspecting in my first post --
but now that you've explained it, it still sounds like a bit of a stretch.

While it's certainly possible that BioMom arranged this whole BBQ thing just so DD wouldn't get to spend much 'alone time' with her dad, I certainly don't see that as "the obvious" and "only logical" explanation. Could be she just wanted to have a BBQ, and that day was the day that was best for her family and friends. Or that when the date was selected, BioMom temporarily forgot about SO's visit -- then didn't think the visit was reason enough to change the date.

That said, DD certainly could have missed the BBQ, and IMO, Dad would have been within his rights to ask her to do exactly that since this date had been planned well in advance. Or, DD could have put in a "nominal appearance" at the BBQ for just a few minutes just to avoid being perceived as rude, then left with Dad to do something else.

But if you can work up a good head of steam just because BioMom throws a BBQ, your chances for having a pleasant working relationship with BioMom seem kinda slim.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 5:07PM
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Yeah......I know. That's why I was asking. I'm trying not to just assume that all of these little nit-picky things that just seem to "come up" during SO's infrequent visits with his DD or "happen to fall" during their time together are aimed at pushing him out of her life, but it's just so hard when I add all the little things up.

For example, she had this above-mentioned group and all practices were MANDATORY. Every time she would talk to SO, she would make sure to tell him that the reason she can't make plans to come here is because of this group.

So then, about a month before she got kicked off (and a month into practices), she slips and tells SO that she's going on vacation with her mom and them during spring break. Well spring break was the week before the competition and they would be gone the weekend before the competition. So how is it that she can miss practice to go on vacation with BM, but can't miss to come here? And how convenient for them that she got kicked off the team the week before she was to go on this vacation? And believe me, it wasn't a quickly-scheduled vacation. They work for the gov't and have to put in vacation requests months in advance. Plus she told SO about it while she was still on the team.

And then there's the whole snowboarding thing that caused her to only be here for 4 days over Christmas break that we found out while she was here was a lie.

Thanks Sweeby for setting me straight! I guess sometimes we miss the forest for the trees. SO was happy to see her and that's all that matters.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 5:43PM
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If you have a past history of BM planning things to interfere with dh's visitation I can understand your thoughts here.

When I read the post I was honestly thinking that maybe her family and friends had planned to go to dd's competition and since it was cancelled she decided to have everyone over to hang out instead.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 6:01PM
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Wouldn't it have been possible for SO to take his DD somewhere for the day? Since BM knew he was coming to spend time with his DD, this shouldn't have been a problem. I wouldn't expect my DD father to spend his time with his DD at my home with my family. He takes her for his time and brings her home. IMO it should not have mattered what BM planned with her family.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 6:24PM
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I also think that since SD lives wiht mom she sees all these people all the time, so it would make much more sense for SO to pick her up and go somewhere else for a day. BBQ is not such an important even that no one can miss. I wonder if BM actually thought that dad would want to take SD somewhere else for a day in meanwhile she could have her own party or maybe like someone suggested all these people intially planned for a competition and BBQ is just a substitution.

Or maybe mom is just clueless. My X is clueless that i need my own time with DD. Every time i go to see DD in college X says: oh what a great idea, i think i will join you guys and we all will hang out together. Huh? What for? He sees DD way more often than i do. Some people just don't get that other parent wants time alone wiht kids.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 8:27PM
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I think it would be hard for SD to say 'sorry guys - I'm outta here,' and BM knew that. She could have even planted the seed.
My first, admittedly pessimistic thought, was that mom was trying to keep SD and Dad at arms length. Clever.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 1:08AM
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JNM - that is exactly what I was thinking. If you all remember my past posts, she is easily mind-controlled by BM. I think that SO COULD HAVE taken her from the BBQ, but I think that she would've not wanted to make BM mad by leaving while family was around.

SO and I had a big arguement last night. After our arguement, I thought about how happy and relaxed he looked when he got home the other night, even after driving 10 hours. I thought about how stressed-out he looks when she comes here. I realized then that I am the one making him unhappy.

I thought this whole time that he wanted more, but now I know that he is just fine with BM controlling everything and interferring. He's happier that way and things run smoother that way. I've been trying to help him fix something that he doesn't think is broken.

I haven't really done more than encourage him to get some papers and give him information that you all have shared. But I guess by doing even that much, I've been causing him to be stressed.

So.....I'm stepping away. As much as I don't want to and it hurts like hell. I'm not asking him about her, not making plans with her, not trying to make him feel better when things go wrong, not texting or e-mailing her or trying anymore.

Because it seems like the more I try to stay connected, the more problems I cause for SO. And I most definitely don't want that. That's why I was glad that it worked out to where he'd have to go see her by himself. BM treats him differently when I'm not around. He's easier for her to control that way and it all runs smoother if she has the control. If he wants me to know something about his daughter, he'll tell me.

I told him all of this last night. He says it's not me that's the problem, but really I don't see any other reason as to why he came back from this trip so happy and he's always so upset when she's been here. The main difference is the absence of me.

I never wanted to be that girl like my X's GF is. You know.....the one that puts the thoughts in their head that they're being dealt a great injustice at the hands of the XW and they need to stop it? I realized last night that what I consider unbearable may not be unbearable for him.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 9:47AM
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sorry you had a fight, but I agree that it is smarter to back off and let him deal wiht X and SD on his own. I agree that your imagination is probably right and BM invited people on purpose but he might not have any problem with that, he might actually like that. Even if it bothers you as long as it is OK for him, why should you worry?

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 12:44PM
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"I agree that your imagination is probably right and BM invited people on purpose but he might not have any problem with that, he might actually like that."

Thanks, FD! That's exactly what I realized yesterday. Even though he complains about this and that to me. I think he complains because he thinks it's what I want to hear. But I made it clear to him that his happiness is priority for me and if he's okay with the way things are, then I'm happy. I just always thought he wasn't happy with it.

But he has to be considerate and lessen the impact on DS and I. He can put up with whatever he wants, but he can expect DS and I to be under BM's rules, laws and orders, too.

You know how when you love someone you would do anything to take away any pain they have? Or when you love someone and you see them fighting a battle you want to jump in and fight for them? That's how we are with our kids and families, right? Well that's how I am with SO and his DD. I see them hurting and I want to take the hurt away, even if it means more hurt for me.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 3:57PM
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I hear you. But really is not worth it. Plus you are right, sometimes people complain about stuff that annoys them but they don't necessarilly want to change anything, so it is not wise of us trying to help when they don't even need or want help! Sometimes people just vent but we don't have to do anything about it. I sometimes like to complain about X but I don't want anyone to do anything about it or even offer any opinion. If he wants to complain, let him, but do nothign about it. Concentrate on your son and don't let all this influence him.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 4:03PM
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