BM's drinking again

lovehadleyMarch 11, 2010

I guess our suspicions the other night were accurate.

Last night, we were surprised that SS didn't get a single phone call from his BM. Ordinarily, she will call 2-4 times throughout an afternoon and evening. There is ALWAYS, 100% of the time a bedtime phone call.

So last night, at 8 pm, DH handed SS the phone and said "call your mom to say goodnight." Surprisingly, she did not pick up her cell. (That is the line SS always calls her on.)

Given how she had chewed him out the other night, SS immediately freaked. He must have called her about 10 times in 30 mintues. He was SO SCARED. He was telling me and DH that his mom had been in an accident, or she'd been stabbed, or she was sick...etc. He was going through all these awful possibilities of what could have happened for her to not answer or call.

DH & I tried to reassure him that maybe she wasn't hearing the phone ring, or maybe b/c she is pregnant, she was tired and had fallen asleep.

Finally, around 9 pm when SS was STILL AWAKE and still very upset, I suggested he call his grandma, BM's mom. She lives really close to BM and I figured she could at least put SS's mind at ease. So SS called her and she said she would figure out where BM was and have her call.

About 15 mins later, the phone rang and it was BM's HUSBAND. He told SS that his mom had "gone to the store" and would "probably be gone for a long time." He said she'd forgotten her cell at home.

This seemed to calm SS and he finally went to sleep about 9:30.

But DH & I thought this seemed odd. BM NEVER EVER forgets to call her son and say goodnight. She always calls at bedtime and 99% of the time, she calls a couple other times around dinner and in the evening. It just didn't seem likely that she'd be at the "store" at 9 pm for over an hour. And if she ever did do that and forget her cell, she'd RUSH home to call SS.

Maybe you have to know the situation but the whole scene made alarm bells go off for both of us.

Sure enough, around 11 PM, DH got a rambling message from BM; she sounded like she'd had a few, but she wasn't totally wasted. She was crying in the message and saying how sorry she was she hadn't talked to SS and she loves him so much, he is her angel and her heart, blah blah. The lovey-dovey rambling stuff is par for the course when she's drinking.

It doesn't surprise me, but it makes me wonder how out of control things will get this time. And I hope that SS can be sheltered from it. :(

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silversword

I understand. You have a routine that's usually followed. When it wasn't, bells started ringing.

Poor SS. That must have been really scary for him. I think of those things too when people don't call. I can usually talk myself down, but kids have a much harder time.

I've forgotten though, she's pregnant?

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 9:48AM
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lovehadley

"I've forgotten though, she's pregnant?"

Yep, she is due in about 10 weeks with #3.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 10:02AM
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silversword

Ouch.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 10:15AM
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finedreams

can only imagine what it does to unborn baby. is she aware of a health danger for an unborn child? well it is nothing you can do but if that continues I wonder if custody agreement needs to be revisited. unsupervised 50/50 is no good with drinking parents. not to say that drinking parents should not see minor kids at all, but somebody else (sober) got to be there.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 10:57AM
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lovehadley

"I wonder if custody agreement needs to be revisited. unsupervised 50/50 is no good with drinking parents. not to say that drinking parents should not see minor kids at all, but somebody else (sober) got to be there."

It doesn't matter. We have been in court over drinking before. Basically, unless she does something again to endanger SS WHILE HE IS WITH HER, there is nothing we can do.

DH was able to get the parenting plan modified (stemming from the incident where she tried to drink/drive with SS) and there is now a stipulation that says she cannot consume alcohol while SS is in her care.

But the problem is:

A.) That is SO HARD to prove.

B.) She can pretty much do whatever she wants on her own time.

If things really went off in the deep end again, if she were to get a 2nd DWI or something, then maybe DH might be able to revisit the issue in court.

I know it seems like it should be open/shut; she has a drinking problem, SS should be with us more. But unfortunately, for those of us who have been through the family court system, that is just not how it works. It's not as black and white as it sometimes should be.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 11:26AM
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finedreams

yeah, plenty of parents in intact families drink and no one takes kids away, so i guess there is a logic to it.

my ex's father is a heavy drinker, he does not bother anyone, he is a quiet drinker, yet come to think of it he is never asked to babysit ex's kids (and DD when she was young) on his own(because he drinks every night). always in XMIL's presence or just her in his absence. my ex would not allow him to be around kids alone. he is a good person yet never attempted to quit. ex and his mother gave up.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 5:03PM
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pseudo_mom

go online :) look up parenting and pregnancy/drinking information ... I bet atleast one site will have a place where you can have something "mailed to you" (hint hint) so you can read up how to help her if she comes knocking on your door then your face next time she has had a few.

(whispers) Maybe if she thinks someone is on to her she will ease up atleast the for the last tri-mester...

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 5:23PM
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ceph

I'm appalled.
But not surprised.
And I wish your family strength.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 11:24PM
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silversword

ditto ceph

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 11:50PM
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mom2emall

It bothers me that this lady is pregnant and drinking. But what really shocks me is that the baby's father seems to know about it!! He covered for her son by saying she was going to be at the store for a long time?? You would think if anyone would be on her about drinking while pregnant it would be the father of the unborn child! Geez...what is wrong with people!

    Bookmark   March 11, 2010 at 11:52PM
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yabber

Quote from LoveHadley:

But the problem is:

A.) That is SO HARD to prove.

B.) She can pretty much do whatever she wants on her own time.

If things really went off in the deep end again, if she were to get a 2nd DWI or something, then maybe DH might be able to revisit the issue in court.

I know it seems like it should be open/shut; she has a drinking problem, SS should be with us more. But unfortunately, for those of us who have been through the family court system, that is just not how it works. It's not as black and white as it sometimes should be.

End of Quote.

Same thing here Love, exactly the same thing. BM kept drinking while she was pregnant and now that baby is here she's put it up a notch. We've tried to get her help/ help the skids etc, but like you're saying, it's not all black and white, like it should be. BM is so good at hiding the drinking and keeping up appearances, she's a real toxic parent and keeping secrets is survival mechanism for the kids. But they suffer. It's no good.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2010 at 6:39AM
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