stepson

sharicoleMarch 13, 2011

hello, i have not posted in awhile. i have troubles with my adult s kids not liking me and after years of me being disrespected, hurt and treated like dirt i do not want to be around them anymore. after all the hurtful things they have done to me i prefer to not be around them. dh wants me to like them and be around them but i just dread everytime i have to see them.

ss continues to attempt to get involved in everything dh and i do together. every year we take a special vacation to the tropics and even spent our honeymoon there. ss continues to attempt to go there with us. he tries to be included in everything we do.

in the past when we do include him in our events he always does something that is hurtful to me. history has shown me i do not want him around me when i am trying to enjoy my self because he will just destroy my free time. i have plenty of stress at work i do not need it on my relaxation time.

my question is why does he continue to do this? why does he want to be with us when he knows i do not want him around that much. (he knows because dh has told him). i can tolerate him occassonally but why does he feel the need to invade dh & my personal times?

he is arogant and thinks he know everything and does not have alot of friends. is that why? because no body wants him around.

how do i stay away from him and discourage him from always wanting to be around us without hurting dh feelings?

any good advise would be good.

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lady_q

How old is this stepson?

    Bookmark   March 13, 2011 at 10:17AM
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parent_of_one

he wants to be included in vacation trips because it is pad for him, see if he wants to be included if he pays for it himself. bet you not...

I can relate, is your SS adult? My older SD29 is not mean or disrespectful but we never had any time for us because we had to have her with us every holiday, every vacation, etc

She goes on vacations with her in-laws, comes back goes on vacations with her BM, then she asks if we will take her somewhere. It is all paid in full, so why not? Not only hotels and airfare all paid for her but also all meals (3 a day), entertainment, transportation and whatever else is included in trips. She wouldn't even pay for a cup of coffee. (she makes more than me, and I make OK money)

We managed to take a short trip just two of us last fall, and she and her DH (yes she is married) said that next time we go there, we have to take them with us. LOL Really?

I don't know true reasons why your SS wants your company so much, I know in SD's case it is because it is fully paid, so I guess it is the same for your SS.

I certainly do spend time with my DD22 so does her dad, but she absolutely does not want to be included in everything we do, she has a life.

I don't have a suggestion... Your DH has to tell his son himself that he does not have to be included 24/7. If he wants to spend every moment with his son then maybe tell him to do it without you, you can go on your own vacations by yourself or your sister/friend.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2011 at 10:53AM
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justmetoo

I think PO1 hit it with 'paid'. I had to go read a few other of OP's threads to remember the backstory, but this is the guy who wants to take over the home and entertain his buds while you're not home. Wants Dad to buy stuff that will benefit him. Now wants to be included in all private down time too? Mooch.

Wants to be able to live your lifestyle either on your dime and/or without having to spend any of his own. He's an adult, not a child, not a teen and not even a starting out young 20ish. He's pushing 30, right?

I really have no clue what might make things better about this without hurting DH. Is it that Dad does not know how to say no? Is Dad afraid son was get angry, have nothing to do with him if Dad does not give in? Or maybe Dad really enjoys having the guy around and along all the time, kinda making you the third wheel?

I'm not sure what I would do, but I know I would not spend my vacation time with a freeloader that annoys me to begin with. Maybe a vacation with a friend on your own is something to think about. Maybe Dad and son can do a vacation get away for 'guy crap' and then not invite son along for 'couple trips'. I'm thinking I'd rather either stay home while they all gone having a quiet 'me time' or pick up the phone and make reservations to enjoy myself and treat a friend.

I can understand a 'family' trip once in a while at times when one wishes to share an event with their grown children, but I don't invite myself or expect to be invited on my children's vacations...why should they invite themselves or expect to be invited on mine. I do take the whole family (as a whole and/or at different times) when the mood strikes DH and I . I do take the grandkids along once in a while (usually because they are company for my youngest daughter). I would resent and set them all straight though if they thought it was their due right and/or invited themselves and/or demanded to be invited.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2011 at 12:38PM
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parent_of_one

He is pushing 30?????!!! oh my, he would be nice match for my SD. LOL

You are right justemtoo, dad is probably scared to say no because it would anger SS. My SO is afraid to say NO because SDs would get mad at him. SD used to not talk to BM for months every time BM said NO to something, SO told me he scared of the same. So he says YES. Then complains to me...

Not to hijack but I could just so relate...We are planning long road trip and I have bad feelings that it won't work. YSD would insist to go with us, OSD would say she wants to visit at exact same time. It would be the end of it.

Two years ago SO planned to visit his old college friends out of town, and I fully supported the idea. But SD said she MUST visit at exact same time, and he canceled his trip. But when she visited, she did not even stay with us, but went on a trip with her mom (mom paid). SO promised he'll never cancel anything just because of SDs, but will see and wait...

so I totally know how that feels...

    Bookmark   March 13, 2011 at 1:27PM
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incognitomom

I can not imagine inviting myself on trips with my dad and stepmom!!! But my sister does it all the time to them. She talks badly about my stepmom, is mean to her face, and has done awful things to her. My dad always makes excuses and condones her behavior to my stepmom.

My sister does all this because she wants to be the center of daddy's world. She also does it because she knows she can!

People only get away with what we allow them to get away with!

    Bookmark   March 13, 2011 at 2:02PM
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sharicole

he is 25, has a job, girlfriend and seems to want to hang with us. not sure why? yes, it could be the money thing bc dad always seems to want to pay when he is with. i think now that he is doing good with his job he should pay. thanks for all the good advise and helping me think through this. i plan to refuse him coming on our special vacation time in the future. also plan to attempt to stay away from him when i need my relaxation time.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 9:03AM
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