Stepdaugher hates step-dad, moving out

SchnorkelMarch 12, 2011

Hiyall. This is a first for me. I am a stepdad to a now 19year old daughter. I have been married to her mother for 12 years now. Well the upshot is that she does not, has never, really accepted me. Yes, I know, that was a long time coming...but things have come to a head. Once about six years ago she said "You are not my Dad".

Now I have a son who is almost 17, from a previous marriage, so there are four of us in the family, not including stepdaughter's dog.

Now recently, my wife started telling me that her daughter was severely depressed.And one of the main reasons was my cussing. Now it is true I cuss using the f- word occasionally. But that is occasionally. Also the s**t word. But funny thing was, around the time of the complaint, I don't recall swearing at all for a long time, coz it had been brought to my attention by my wife before. Now that was about two weeks ago, and I just accepted the criticisms as I figured it was the only thing to do to preserve harmony. But I do recall a smoldering resentment deep down, as I could not recall actually doing anything wrong, including swearing.

But it came to a head yesterday. I was asleep and got a call on my mobile phone from wife who was stuck at work in a big store over here like your Walmart. There were some bad people hanging around the back of the store and the night staff could not get out. They called store security who had yet to arrive. Now I went to get the phone to call the local police and the phone was dead. That got me angry, stepdaughter had pulled the plug in order to use another applicance and had not put it back. Then I went to get the spare car keys and they were not there, so I went to ask stepdaughter but the hall door was locked. Stepdaughter had boyfriend in her room. Said studying but from the laughter sounded like anything but. I lost the plot and started banging on the hall door (not her room door), open the eff- ing door where are the car keys why is the phone turned off... I completely lost the plot as we say over here. The stepdaughter came out indignant and we shouted at each other she said she didn't have the keys...I looked for them and threw all the stuff off the sideboard before she went back to her room and found the car keys. I was too upset to drive to work and she was no doubt upset as well. I just tidied up the mess and got a call from wife who said she was on her way home. Long story short, stepdaughter is moving out now... and I am to blame. But I feel this has all been too it is a set-up.

And there is another thing which I have realized recently which is worrying me. You see, when I met my wife, the story was that her husband had tried to kill himself but partially succeeded... It goes like this... She came home and her best friend ran out of the house naked. Husband said it was a set up. Said your friend was bad all along. My wife left the house that night and did not return. Husband went crazy pleading innocence. Wife tells me he was innocent, her friend was actually evil, had been secretly fraternizing with many businessmen and was jealous of wife. Entered house and stripped in order to destroy the marriage. Knew wife would soon be home. Well the upshot was that during the separation, the husband contrived to get the false friend and a bunch of businesspeople into a car and tried to drive the car into a tree. A few men died, the false friend became a cripple, and my wife's first husband became a wheelchair-bound vegetable. Wife cared for him for three years, found out the truth ... that he had never cheated on her, had been set up. But she eventually after spending their fortune on vainly seeking a cure, left him to start a new life overseas, which is where I come in.

Problem is, I don't know if it is true or not. You see, the word is he eventually died, but maybe didn't. Also that his twin brother comes over to our country sometimes to see the daughter. Maybe it's true. And that the daughter (my stepdaughter) has never been told her father is a wheelchair bound vegetable or even maybe dead. And I am never, ever to tell her either. So the stepdaughter says "You're not my Dad, he is in [x country]".

There is another possibility - that the husband had cheated, and that the husband is alive and well, and my wife just wished ill upon him and left him with the daughter. And lied to me about it. And it is the real bio-father that visits the daughter. But I haven't been told that.

This circumstance is the long-term background for my current problems. Thoughts anyone?

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sounds like soap opera to me, is that for real? I don't know about twin brothers or naked friends or wheel-chaired husbands, it all sounds fishy but who knows, some families do operate like Jerry Springer show. But I don't know what is true and what is not.

17-year-old sounds pretty difficult but what about cussing and fussing, if someone did that in my home and with my daughter, I would not stay 5 minutes there. Nobody is going to use f- word or with my daughter. Her own dad wouldn't but someone else???? This is just ridiculous.

I also do not understand: if you got a phone call on your cell phone why not using that same phone to call the police, why going aorund looking for a different phone that is dead. So then wife called back again, so I assume your phone was still on? So what's the deal with the phone?

    Bookmark   March 12, 2011 at 9:02AM
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Well the background story on your wife sounds pretty strange to me. I always find that the stranger the story the more fictional pieces involved. But anyways the situation at hand is your stepdaughter.

Her being depressed because you swear on occasion seems pretty stupid to me. What I do have an issue with is a 19 year old living at home and locking herself in her room with her boyfriend. Besides the fact that they probably are not studying there are serious consequences for such behaviors (pregnancy, std's, etc.).

If it were my home none of my children (regardless of ages) would be in their room with their boyfriend/girlfriend and doors closed or locked. If she is old enough to engage in such behaviors then she is old enough to live on her own. If she is 19 is she in college or working?

Sounds like there is a lot more to this story and a lot of resentments.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2011 at 11:13AM
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Soap opera is right! Borders on circus and lots of 'say what'?

--Her being depressed because you swear on occasion seems pretty stupid to me.--

Yeah, a cuss word now and then will traumatize the kid into depresssion. Maybe rude and classless, but an odd gutter of a no-no is likely the least of your troubles. Kid might be depressed but along with the 'crazy' story of bio-dad, crashing trees ect, I'd say kid has a better chance of hereditary underlying tendency. Sure if you've acted the horse's behind and stressed this child with tempers and acting out to the point she's a nervous wreck, well then you might be a figure in it...but that does not sound (from what you state) to be the case.

Boyfriends locked in bedroom. Mom working nights. Daughter self centered (me-me-me)'ve got your hands full. Beating on doors and *uck-you was out of line but again, why is this mother leaving this kid with you if they all think you are so terrible and cause the kid so much grief? To the point of depression. I doubt it.

If the kid is so 'depressed' what has Mom done to help her daughter and see that it is treated?

Where is daughter moving off to and who is paying for this?

I guess I just don't really see what any of us are suppose to advise and/or say about this thread. I'm still trying to figure out what parts made sense and what parts did not.

Maybe come back and clarify a bit.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2011 at 2:31PM
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For whatever reason I thought she was 17 and still in high school, she is 19?

I think if she is adult and pays/contributes then she has rights to get her door closed and have friends over.

So unless we know if SD goes to school, works, contributes, and pays her own bills, I wouldn't advice anything or pass judgments. The whole story sounds weird to me, sorry.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2011 at 4:57PM
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Po1 I live on Jerry Springer -- remember. Lol just kidding

I have nothing more to contribute -- what a whack job...

    Bookmark   March 12, 2011 at 10:57PM
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@parent of one
Yep, its for real. Yeah, I feel pretty bad about the swearing, especially that last time. About the is my work mobile, so I can receive calls from anyone, but I am only meant to call out regarding work related matters. I just got in that habit, they are pretty strict about it actually.

She is in college and works part-time for a telco. Actually I have met other parents who cannot believe the wife lets the boyfriend sleep over. I wouldn't allow it either but I have to watch what I say.

No, I don't think I have been the horse's ****. Actually, although it might not sound like it, my wife is actually really quite conservative, like an aunty or grandmother type of personality, not the modern 'with-it' personality. I really love her. I believe she extracted promises from the daughter about the boyfriend, sort of like an honor may have seen those wooden boards that were used about a hundred years ago so that a boyfriend could lay in bed with the girlfriend...well, sort of that kind of mentality. Hint: look up 'bundling' (tradition) in Wikipedia.

Pardon, but who is the whack job? Like, these things even the purported accident with the wife's former husband, are pretty much normal, I would say. Especially in her home country which has much larger disparity between rich and poor, and wealth was part of the problem, jealousy of wife's wealth being the reason her false friend contrived to ruin her marriage. At least in my home country we also have a huge problem with male suicide, which is ignored in the mainstream, don't know about the US tho'. And problems within step-families are par for the course, aren't they? In fact, I would suggest that only a whack job would suggest that step-families do not have their own unique set of problems.

Well things have quieted down a little. SD is making arrangements to move out to near BF's place. SD has new pet rabbit. I have been keeping the swearing right down, thankfully.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2011 at 3:04AM
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Sigh...I see one of those...

New person comes here posts absolutely horrible nightmarish home life description, people reply. I guess replies are not in favor of the craziness. And ta-da! All of a sudden situation changed, everything is hunky-dorry, wife is conservative (huh?), crazy situation with wife's family is normal (IT IS???), SD is not that bad she works and goes to school has pet rabbits and there is no problem.

It took only 2 weeks to go from complete chaos Jerry Springer style to nice conservative family. All right then. what was all this about then?

    Bookmark   March 27, 2011 at 8:00PM
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