basketball update

yabberMarch 15, 2011

FDH had a chat with the kids re. taking responsibility for activities they're enrolled in, and for keeping us in the loop if they want us to attend (which we would like of course).

The next week: no phonecall from kids so we didn't go to the game. Later we heard that they played but forgot to call us. Oh well, true or not, the responsibility lies with them now and we don't have to risk going there for nothing again. (Still a bit annoyed they didn't call, but not surprised).

The week after FDH gets phonecall from SD14, she asked to come stay with us. She had had enough again of BM treating her so bad. She always tries to help BM, to be extra nice and do housework to get BM in a better mood, but when nothing works she gets to a point where she needs a break. So she came and stayed with us.

Immediately I feel so bad for these girls again, how neglected they really are by BM, how affected they are by it :-(

SD14 burst into tears when I saw her, BM had been so angry that she wanted to come to us that she had yelled "I hate you" at her own daughter. OMG Who does that??!!

With SD14 staying with us, we were the ones to take her to the semi-final game for basketball. BM was a no-show (but we did tell SD14 to let her know she was playing of course)

Her team won and they played the finals last Friday. The guy who coached the girls the first half of the season came up to us and told us that unfortunately the girls will probably not be accepted in the team next year. The other team members are not happy and the parents have complained. Fair enough.

Surprisingly he also said he understood our situation and he knew it wasn't in our control whether the girls attend or not. We have always felt bad because it seemed to reflect bad on us just as much as on BM, after all the other parents don't really know the custody arrangements and who the girls are supposed to be with. So it was nice to hear that he realises what is going on, as much as I try not to care about what other people think ;-)

On the way home the girls both said they think they're going to play again next year. I didn't comment nor did FDH, BM enrolled them this year and BM and girls will find out next year..

BM did come to the finals last Friday, she ignored SD14 which was downright weird because she was there to watch her game?? When she left she took her time saying bye to SD13 (who was staying with us over the weekend), with lots of kisses and hugs, and more bye's and love you miss you's, but still ignored SD14.

I hadn't seen BM for awhile and I was shocked to see how skinny she's become. It has never been this bad before, even FDH doesn't recall it ever getting this bad. She looks anorexic, maybe around 45 kilo's for her 175cm height (5ft9). I really worry about her, she's ill and she needs help. I wanted to go up to her and talk to her, but the last person she wants to hear from is me of course. I can only hope that someone else will see how bad this has become, and try and talk to her. She needs help, sooner rather then later.

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pseudo_mom

And you can't exactly say ... "its not our fault the kids don't show up not our day with them" ... no one wants to hear your family bull they have their own.

Don't you just wanna say

Wow thats pretty sh!!tty the way your mom did/ didn't do ___________ to/with you ..... and try to help them figure out that there is nothing wrong with them its their mom's!!!!

But as Step people we have to sit back and watch the kids get hurt over and over again and just pick up the pieces ...although I no longer pick them up I leave them where they fall.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 10:11AM
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sweeby

Once the kids know the rules (like 'Do what you say you will do'), then they can judge for themselves when a parent is behaving badly.

I used to worry so much about what older DS was learning from his dad. I was scared to death DS would pick up his father's 'advantageous and convenient' moral code (ie. 'Do the right thing only when it's convenient or makes you look good') But fortunately, he had learned enough from SD and me ('Doing the right thing matters even when [especially when] no one else knows and/or it's hard') that he was able to form his own opinions of his father's conduct and *not* duplicate it.

Because he's seen different behavior codes in action, he's a far better judge of character than I was at his age, having only been around *thoroughly* decent people. (I knew there *were* 'bad guys' -- just didn't know they could pass for 'nice people' most of the time...)

Your SKids will know Yabber. And if you can reinforce the good stuff while they're with you, they'll realize how good it feels to act honorably.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 11:47AM
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incognitomom

It sounds like bm's tactics to try to alienate the kids from your FDH are finally starting to fail. As the kids get older they will probably realize more and more just what type of person their bm is.

I am glad to hear that others realize that you and FDH are not at fault for the kids missing games.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 10:36PM
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silversword

ditto ink...

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 9:50AM
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justnotmartha

UGH. Don't you just want to throw a basketball at her head?
It amazes me a mother can say and do such immature and selfish things to their children, but sadly I know just exactly how that goes.

Perhaps, when they are told they can't play again because of their poor attendence and sportmenship they will start to 'get' it. It's a sad day when they have to be hurt to see the error in their mother's ways, but sometimes it's the only way.

Has SD14 gone back to her mom's yet?

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 7:59PM
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