Frustrating situation - venting.

cephMarch 15, 2009

Ugh.

My SS, A__, turned 10 on Monday.

His homework planner is supposed to be signed by a parent every day, but BM goes for weeks on end without seeing what's what in it. This leaves A__'s school-life totally unconnected with his home-life until we see his backpack on the weekend.

Well, A__ acted up at school on Monday, and a note was written in his planner. BM didn't look in his planner at all last week, so I was the first to see this - on Saturday!

We asked BM about it, and A__ lied to her when she asked how school was on Monday. So now he's grounded for the weekend for lying.

I'm frustrated

- that A__ lied.

- that BM doesn't look in his planner.

- with DH because he's being lazy about enforcement and I wind up being the bad guy.

- because 5 days is awfully long time for a kid with ADHD to be removed from his actions before a punishment hits.

I want

- to trust A__.

- BM to step up and be a 100% parent.

- DH to step up and be a 100% parent.

- for A__ to have proactive people in his life instead of people who wait for him to screw up and then punish him for it.

But I am happy that we had good communication with BM on this and that A__ sees both households working together.

Thank you for the vent.

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deborah_ps

Ceph, you're a good mom to want those things for him...and he's a lucky guy to have you :)

    Bookmark   March 15, 2009 at 2:36AM
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liesbeth

Yes you are, and I don't know what it is with men, they just don't seem to step up enough. Ok maybe not all men, but certainly my man is one to say :"Don't worry about it" and that always makes me feel like the bad guy. I'm there with you!! You do the right thing by A- and at least you guys can do some co-parenting with BM. It could be worse. But, there is only so much you can do, the parents need to step up, as you said, and they need to do this.

Thanks for letting me join in on the vent :-)

    Bookmark   March 15, 2009 at 6:14AM
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justnotmartha

Ceph, you are awesome.

Personally, I think it's a lot to expect a kid to come right out with "I was sent to the principal" when casually asked "how was your day?" If BM actually asked several questions as to what transpired throughout the day and this never came up I see it as more of a lie. But do you think BM really asked anything that in depth? Did she ask point blank "Did you get in trouble today?"

Is there any way to prompt BM to check the back back? Or, what we do is make it DS's job to bring his backpack contents to us. Perhaps a small reward - 5 minutes extra stay up time - is given if he brings things to BM? It's likely too late to train BM, but there is still time for A__.

Just a thought?!

    Bookmark   March 16, 2009 at 2:18AM
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believer

Ceph,

I agree with the other posts. A_ _ is so fortunate to have you in his life.

I am the "bad cop" at my house when it comes to SD10. DH doesn't want to enforce TV limits, bedtime or much else. I end up being the crabby one, he ends up smelling like a rose. He knows it and admits he is lazy about it. SD10 admits she is lazy and tries to get dad to baby her.....at least they are both honest.

It is great that BM and you guys can at least talk about these things. Sounds like she needs a post it note or something to remind her....:o).....who would be on the forums at 4:26 a.m.!!! Yikes....I can't sleep.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2009 at 5:29AM
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mom2emall

You have such patience!

    Bookmark   March 16, 2009 at 10:30AM
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sweeby

You're such a good parent Ceph!

One strategy that has worked really well for us is for DS13 to bring me his planner first thing when he gets home from school. He sets down his backpack, removes his planner, and brings it upstairs to my office when he comes in to say "Hi" and collect his hug. Then we go through it together and make a plan -- If there's very little to do, he can go straight to snack and TV, and we'll do his homework while I cook dinner. If there's more, we'll plan what can be done without help and what needs my help, and set some checkpoints so he can still watch his favorite TV show.

It's a simple habit to start, and one that has really helped!

    Bookmark   March 16, 2009 at 11:33AM
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ceph

Yeah, we have all those strategies and A__ brings me his planner the very second he sets his bag down.

BM isn't quite as structured. But she and I just had a very good phone conversation and she said "Yeah, I've dropped the ball in the last few weeks about his school. So I had better get back into it."
I hope she does!!

    Bookmark   March 17, 2009 at 12:08AM
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