Resenting my step son

fsmurfy1234March 4, 2013

After dating my boyfriend who lived across the country for 2 months he told me that he found out his ex was pregnant, I was I love and since he told me they were together a week before we started dating I stayed with him...eventually moving across the county to start a life with him. His son was born and I treated him as my own. They both became the center of my universe. We got married, got pregnant, miscarried, then pregnant again. We decided to move back east so we would have the support or our friends and family, his ex and son moved too as they had family there as well. We moved and 6 months later the ex and son followed.

After being apart from my step son for so long and having a baby of my own, my feelings changed towards him. I didn't feel the same as I had before. I began to dread his weekend visits. I became pregnant again, only to have the exact same due date as my husbands ex...all of a sudden I put the dates together and times didn't add up...4 years later and I questioned him which I had done in the past.....he always denied ever cheating on me, until then. The truth finally came out, he had cheated on me and got his ex pregnant....and slept with her several times as well as another woman...all before I moved across the country to be with him.

So here we are, 4 years into my marriage, 2 children of my own, lied to for 4 of the 6 years we've been together. I harbor anger towards my husband, I despise his ex and I cringe every time his son comes over. I don't know if this can be fixed. I'm heart broken that I feel this way towards a child I once loved as my own...how can I turn things around? I want to love him. I want to stay with my husband, I want to be normal...but honestly, I am truly the step mom from hell. Every time I look at him I see his mother...I see me being cheated on, I see lies....I don't know if I can get past this. My heart is broken and I dont know if I will ever be whole again...I'm desperate for help and guidance and pray everyday for the strength and courage to go on and fix my broken life.

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colleenoz

Well, what an @ss your husband turned out to be. Talk about eating your cake and having it, too.
First you need to work on your (totally understandable) anger towards your husband. What has he done (if anything) to show you he's not going to be unfaithful again? You know what they say, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
Have you both undertaken couples counselling to work through this?
Then you need personal counselling to work through how you feel about this poor innocent child who has been caught up and become another victim of his parents' poor behaviour.
I don't mean to be rude, but just praying is not going to fix this.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2013 at 2:03AM
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emma

He is a child how can you not care about him, he has done nothing but love you. I think you are as bad as your husband.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2013 at 1:32PM
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readinglady

I agree with the original post. I am very sorry because you've been betrayed on the deepest level by your husband, but you've directed your anger at the wrong person - your stepson. He's a victim, just as you are.

I hope you will get counseling to help you sort through your feelings - either together or individually.

I give you credit for recognizing this is unfair to the child and wanting to do something about it, but I agree that prayer isn't sufficient. We're given free will and it's up to us to exercise it rather than expecting a greater power to "fix" what's wrong.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2013 at 1:43PM
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LadyCaroline

If you stay with your husband, you'll get what you'll deserve. Personally I would cut and run. Once cheater always a cheater.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2013 at 3:21PM
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fsmurfy1234

I get that I am gearing my anger towards the wrong person...I AM going through counseling to sort through my feelings and am working at my relationship with my step son as well as my husband. My husband has been doing counseling and has been doing everything he possibly can to regain my trust. I DO trust my husband...call me foolish if you want, but he goes to work, comes home and spends time with us. He tells me every time his ex calls/texts and I am always around when they are doing exchanges. I don't trust her...she calls or texts everyday, she still, after 6 years, is after my husband.

I never said I didn't care about my step son, I said that I want to love him the way I used to. When a child comes every week and talks back and says my mommy says I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mommy and other hurtful things, that I know came from her...it's hard to "love" him. He is my husbands child and for that, I would do anything for him, protect him, help him, guide him...he is at a vulnerable age, he's picking up on me snuggling with my children and not him, I don't want him to feel different than my kids do, I don't want him to feel like an outsider in his own home. I am working on it, trying to fix what has been broken. I need a way to figure out how to let go of my anger towards his mother and begin to heal...but it's difficult when she still chases after him, but claims she's been over him for years. I attempted to move past this before my second child was born, I asked if we could sit down and talk, and she said that she wasn't going to re hash what happened years before and have her heart broken again just for me to heal. That it wasn't her fault that I was dumb enough to not know the truth for years...

So here we are, I'm looking for a supportive outlet who understands my want and need for loving an innocent child, while in the midst trying to heal my broken heart as well. You may think my husband is a monster, but that was 6 years ago...people change. And if I'm a fool enough to stay and work on my absolutely wonderful marriage that we've built for years, then I guess I'm a fool.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2013 at 9:13AM
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emma

Tell him no I am not your Mom but I you love you any way. You don't have to be a mommy to love a child. I think if you treat him well, do special things with him that will win out over whatever is going with his Mom. I would also recommend you not punish him. Make him feel special, hire a sitter for your child sometimes and take him to a special place that children like, the zoo, or park, McDs, just the two of you. If he is hateful to you, go to your room read a book, don't react to it. If you treat people with kindness even if they don't deserve it, it make them feel guilty, if you react to their bad behavior it makes them feel justified.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2013 at 9:30AM
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RayaSunshine

Hey Emma thats good advice that I may try with my own SD who lives with us....I wonder if she will really feel guilty I never seen that from her for anything shes ever done.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2013 at 12:40AM
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wordsmith2020

I feel for you for the situation you are in. Blended families are rarely easy (shucks, even biological families are complex). May I suggest that you try to take a step back, and assess the situation for what it is. What makes you happy in the relationship? What makes you unhappy? Are you and your partner willing to work through the issues (kids grow and leave). What do you really want....make sure your basic needs are being met. All relationships go through hard times, no pressure, no diamonds. I try to see the good...after all, its the good times that led you to where you are. If the situation seems unresolveable over the long-term, you have a decision to make. Only you have the key to that decision. We are on here to support you regardless!Please note, I have been on here long enough to see a pattern of toxic users. Try not to take to heart what sylviatexas or EmmaR offer for advice. I believe they are genuine, but they appear to be man-haters that only see black and white. Take it at face value, they often have good points. Just know we all don't see things that way, there's a million shades of gray :)Good luck, follow your heart.:) Bess

(they may hate message or slam me for my comment - I understand, they have every right to be honest, as do I. Follow your heart)

    Bookmark   April 7, 2013 at 9:54PM
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