What would you do?
There are two issues and I'd like some opinions.
One: SD has a major project that is her entire grade for social studies. It's a scrapbook on California that she was assigned in January and is due in May. BM has told DH and me that SHE wants to work on this with SD. She said she never gets to do anything for school with HER daughter and this is one she can. BM has done scrapbooking as a hobby for years... since she dated DH. She is very good at it. However, during January and February, she did not work on it at all with her. SD had to turn in 20 pts. in January and DH helped her with it because BM didn't. Then, last weekend BM called DH and criticized the scrapbook he started (saying it's too small) and said SHE is going to start a new one. He said he thinks it's fine but whatever.. she can do what she wants. Well, we got SD on Sunday and BM had gotten SD a new scrapbook cover and just put the pages from DH's scrapbook into it. It was the same size and no new points were added. We didn't make a big deal or say anything about it to BM. We think she is trying to get a reaction... we are letting it go and this is her project. However, DH has said that since SD's grade is this project, if BM does not work on it with her, he will at the end (he hasn't told SD or BM this) because he doesn't want SD to fail. I sort of agree but then feel like we are going to end up teaching SD that we will rescue her when she doesn't get things done. Honestly, SD can do this project on her own.. except she has to collect pamphlets and pictures of her in front of monuments or locations for extra points... so an adult would have to take her there and snap a photo. I've offered but she said her mom is going to do it and then BM was adamant that this is HER project. Since SD and BM are insisting this is 'their' project, I kinda disagree with DH 'saving' her if BM doesn't follow through. Opinions?
Second issue: Somewhat like the first problem, SD is in a play coming up. She has not brought home any information for us about it, the teacher mentioned it was coming up at conferences (which BM did not attend). BM's mother told SD she was making her dress/costume for the play. We have not heard anything about it since SD told us that a few weeks ago. The play is Monday and there is no dress/costume from SD's grandma that we know of. (unless grandma is going to send it with her on Sunday) but we have not been told anything and I have no idea what's going on because SD doesn't tell us. So, I asked DH to call her today and ask if SD will have a costume or if we are going to have to get one because I don't want to have to run around looking for something at the last minute. DH refused to call BM and ask her. He said he received two nasty texts from BM because SD wore the 'wrong' clothes back today and he doesn't want to deal with her.(SD had two outfits that BM bought at our house and wore one and BM was demanding to know where the other one was.. he ignored her text) He said if SD comes home with no costume, she will have to find something from her closet to wear in the play because we are not going to fix it since BM's mom said she would take care of it. I also have mixed feelings about that because it's almost like SD is being punished for her mom/grandma lying to her or not following through.. but then again, she doesn't tell us what's going on. We would not have known about the play if the teacher hadn't mentioned it last week.
The biggest problem I have with it is SD is capable of telling us that she needs help with her project or that there is a play and she knows her mom lets her down all the time but she hangs onto the hope that BM will do what she says and when BM lets her down, she expects us to make it right at the last minute with no warning. I think SD should at least tell us things like, when points are due on her project and if she might need help or when the play is and what she might need if grandma doesn't deliver.
SD is gonna be 10 years old this month. When is it time to start putting some of the responsibility on her to get things done and if she chooses to not keep us in the loop, should we let her suffer the consequences or bail her out?