Sons friend drama.....

mom2emallMarch 20, 2010

I posted a while ago about my ds's ex friend who was homeschooled for a while and returned to school. The mom had called me to ask me to have my son show him around and be that friendly face. Well my son kept up his end of the deal with me and was nice to the boy when he returned, even though my son did not like this boy anymore.

But the boy acts really immature. He cries a lot in school (which I wittnessed firsthand when I stopped in the office one day to drop something off and he came barreling into the office hysterical about something) and my son says he does wierd things. My son was in the bathroom and the boy got into the stall next to the one my son was in and stood on the toilet and was looking over at my son using the restroom. My son told him that was gross and immediately told the teacher about it. The boy also walks up to my son and others and tickles them. And the boy picks his nose and chases students with his boogers! We are talking about 12 year olds....not 5 year olds! My son said he ended up telling the boy, in front of his other friends, that he did not want to be friends with him because of the way he acts.

The next day the boy came to school and told my son that his whole family hates my son because he disrespected them all by being mean to him. That was a week ago and the boy has not been in school since. We have seen him out playing in his front yard though, so I do not believe he is sick.

I told my son that I understood how the boy embarassed him and that it was okay for him to tell the boy he did not want to be friends with him. I also told him that he should not make fun of the boy or join in any teasing. I also feel bad thinking that this boy is not coming to school maybe because he knows he is disliked by so many kids. But on the other hand I feel like his parents should have showed him more appropriate behavior and they did a lot of harm by cutting him off socially when they took him out of school for a few years.

Do you think I should call his mom to see if he is okay? Maybe he has chickem pox or something and I am thinking too much into it all? If it is that he does not want to go to school maybe it would be helpful for me to tell her the things other kids are saying bother them so she could talk to him about appropriate behaviors?

I just feel bad for this boy because no matter how he acts I don't ever like to think of a child feeling like they have no friends and do not fit in. But I know my son does not want to hang out with this boy and I don't want to give the mom the idea that he does.

Should I call the mom or just stay out of it??

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I think it is OK to call and ask how he is doing. I would not tell her how he behaves at school but you should encourage your son to keep telling teachers so they call and tell mom. It would nto come out right if you do that.

I wonder if this kid has special needs. Was he ever tested? On the other hand we have a student (and we talking high school here) who behaves the way you described and worse (minus crying), he was tested and retested and seems to not fit any label. Yet, he always touches other boys, tickles people, shows his boogers, stares at people and makes strange laughs etc I cannot even describe it here so weird he acts. So who knows...

He should not be teased but he can't continue acting the way he does. I just think school should tell her, you should stay away from this family.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2010 at 8:48AM
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He sounds like a child with a disability... Some children on the autism spectrum behave in ways that are socially inappropriate -- not (mainly) because they haven't been taught better, but because they simply have no innate social compass. They just can't tell when things start to go wrong -- at least, not until things have gone way too far.

I'd express concern to the mom, and ask her if the boy has been evaluated. She may not want to discuss it (or she might, but didn't know how to bring it up) -- but she needs to know how far out of the norm her son's behavior is. Some parents live in a state of denial for a long time, in part because no one wants to tell them how inappropriate their child's behavior is.

I remember when my younger son was 2. I was very concerned about him and compared to the other kids in his pre-school class, he seemed way behind (and he was one of the oldest). To me, he looked like a St. Bernard puppy in a room full of kittens... But every time I asked the teachers, they said how sweet he was and how well he was doing and how much they loved him, etc., etc. Finally one day, I said to them: "Look - I'm really worried about my son and I'm taking him to the Dr. for an evaluation. He's one of the oldest in the class, yet he seems way behind. I know he's a sweet kid and you love him and you don't want to say anything bad -- but I'm asking for your HELP, and vague nicey nicey comments aren't helping. I need to know: Compared to his classmates, how exactly is he behind? Give it to me straight --" And they finally did. I took notes. And his doctor finally listened and we begain the long process of getting help.

If this boy does have special needs and hasn't been diagnosed, spelling it out for Mom will truly be doing the boy a huge favor. It may be awkward for you -- but you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2010 at 2:26PM
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I do know the boy was diagnosed with ADHD before, but is not medicated. His mom had said the reason she pulled him out of school to homeschool him a few years ago was because he was spending most of his time in the school office in trouble. She figured at least at home he would learn something instead of learning how to sit near the principal all day.

And at that time I understood her frustration because my son had the same teacher and I was battling with her over her treatment of my son. Mostly the comments she was saying to him and the amount of homework she expected him to do SEVEN days a week. The teacher really was a miserable person who did not belong in a classroom of 3rd graders. There was nothing caring or nurturing about her!

My whole problem in this situation is I feel bad for the boy that he is being left out by other kids and I really liked his parents. We went on outings with them before and even camping and all had a great time together. When the boy was in front of us all he did not do all those wierd behaviors, he just whined and cried a lot. So I do not even know if his mom has wittnessed any of these behaviors or if she would find them abnormal. And I know it would be an awkward conversation. I run into this family a lot because we live in a small town and I do not want her to dislike me, that is the only thing stopping me from calling her about this.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2010 at 3:24PM
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if he has ADHD but is not medicated it could be the source of all these problems, some children behave totally off just because of ADHD. I am not sure though if it is your place to tell mom. I am not sure I agree with sweeby here.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2010 at 11:15PM
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So the Mom stays in the dark about the severity of her son's social problems? That's not good for anyone...

    Bookmark   March 21, 2010 at 12:31PM
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I read an almost identical thread on the board sometime ago. You might want to take the time to look up the responses there which, if I remember correctly, included opinions from child psychologists with opinions on both sides, teachers and of course, other mothers.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2010 at 2:09PM
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sweeby, I don't think she should be kept in the dark but I doubt she is in the dark, doesn't she see her own child how he acts?

i just don't think it sounds right for mom2emall to take that role..She is not in school and only knows how that boy behaves by what other children say, she'll sound like she is gossiping.

Teachers and administrators know how he acts and should inform his mother, they probably already did.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2010 at 8:39PM
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Maybe the son does not act like he does at school when he is at home. My step-sister's son (16) acts totally normal and adult-like when he is at home and around the family. I think that is the problem. My step-sister has kept him so sheltered that he has absolutely no clue how to make friends. He was born prematurely and had a lot of health issues early in his life. My step-sister would not let anyone near him to take care of him but herself and would take him to work with her in the hair salon where she worked everyday. He was raised around adults constantly. They lived outside of our school district for years using my dad and step-mother's address and would not let my nephew have any friends over nor tell them where he lived. He thinks that by acting the way he does and getting attention although negative is better than no attention at all (and he has confessed this to my son). I tried to talk to my step-mother about this a few months ago because as the boys get older and my nephew gets more obnoxious, the other boys are getting more cruel and he has absolutely no friends. It is getting out of control and happening more frequently. My step-mother tried to talk to my step-sister about what is going on and she talked to my nephew. My son told me that the next day he asked my son if he had told on him and then proceeded to act worse than ever. I guess that by getting the attention he is seeking that he continued to push the buttons more. I have told my son that he will not partake in this and if things go too far that he is to stand up for his cousin but my son says that he truly acts out and brings on most of the things that get done to him. I have now decided to stay out of it as by bringing more attention to it only makes it worse. My nephew is in counseling and hopefully she can get him to see that his behavior is not getting him the attention he truly wants. But I wonder sometimes how he will survive in life as he becomes an adult. He has absolutely no social skills when around his peers.

I personally have found absolutely nothing positive on my part by sticking my nose in about my nephew. The main reason that I tried to help was that they were worried that my nephew was going to get hurt. I talked to my son who has assured me that he will not let things progress so far that he will get hurt but then explained to me that my nephew instigates a lot that he is not telling his mother the whole truth. I was hoping that by them confronting my nephew about his behavior that it would bring it to a halt but it only seemed to get worse so I just decided to let it go.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2010 at 9:04AM
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