SM crossed the line--again.

mom_of_2.5February 16, 2009

Is it really possible to explain common sense to people who just don't get it? Yesterday, I lost my mind because my DD's SM took her out and had her upper lip waxed.

A) MOMMY's job

B) She's blonde!!! Not like she was growing in a dark mustache!

C) She's 13.



Aggrivated by the fact this is the same SM that had her shave her legs when she was 9!!! Who is this woman to decide hair removal for my daughter?

Even worse her Dad doesn't see what's wrong with that. He likes to pretend SM is he mommy and has rights.

Am I crazy? Anyone?

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As SM :) I get to deflect those questions to BM ...can I shave my legs? ask your mom! ... can I wax my unibrow? ask your mom! My SC are portuguese dark hair grows in weird places.... and lots of it. My SD10 waxes her eyebrows, sideburns, shaves her arms and legs, mom said it was ok.

You can't avoid it .... she is playing hero SM ... your mom won't let you ..... of course I will... the only one you can talk to about is your DD .... next thing she will be dying her hair ... teaching your DD that those are things she is too young to do until you say so is the only way....

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 12:12AM
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No you are not crazy. As a very active mother in your DD's life Sm has over stepped her boundaries. IMHO she is trying to set herself up a "girl friend" that is trying to come between mother and daughter. It is not her place to do these things. DH should know better. I would be ticked too.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 12:57AM
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Aggrivated by the fact this is the same SM that had her shave her legs when she was 9!!! Who is this woman to decide hair removal for my daughter?

That's pretty inappropriate. As a SM myself, I wouldn't even presume to take my SDs for a haircut.

B) She's blonde!!!

I'm blonde too, and have NEVER had a "wax" job. I don't shave, period!

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 2:22AM
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Yep that's crossing the line. I'm a stepmom and I wouldn't dream of doing that with my skids. It's not on. I remember once when I had an appointment for a haircut the skids wanted to have their hair trimmed as well. Just a little trim, nothing drastic. FDH asked me to take them with me, but I told FDH he'd have to take them himself, just because I did not want BM to hear: "SM took us for a haircut". Not my job, not my place. So FDH came along and we all went.

I don't know why some people are so desperate to take control..the older the kids get the more they'll resent it; I'm sure of it.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 2:37AM
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i'd make the boundaries clear with the SM...she may be trying to play a certain role and not realize that she's stepping on your toes.

as far as dd's dad is might want to calmly remind him that SM doesn't actually have any rights. the same sort of 'bonding' type things could just as easily be accomplished by going and getting mani/pedis. or getting a new pair of shoes. things like waxing, shaving, periods, even artificial nails and high-lights are all things you need to be in the loop of.

i just so happens that i work in a salon and have seen the wide range of things that can occur-even in nicest, cleanest, most professional of places. for instance, one of our nail techs got her hair colored last week and has since proceeded to have a serious chemical reaction to the color. the backs of her ears, scalp and neck all broke out in oozey blisters and she's now on antibiotics and steroids. all from a little color touching her scalp. when i worked with aveda i gave my younger sister a facial with their 'all sensitive' skincare line. she had an allergic reaction, missed three days of school and needed benedryl for a week. her poor little face was totally hot and flushed for days!!

also, as a blondie myself, our hair sometimes doesn't even adhere to wax. i've tried waxing my upper lip before and the hair was so fine i accomplished nothing. and since blondes usually have fairer, thinner, skin we're more prone to burns and skin tears which, i know from my own experience, hurts like hell and can leave permanent scarring.

i'd create some boundaries and see if that works. if not i'd have your attorney draft an amendment to your custody agreement. no need in waiting until she comes home with pink hair or in booty shorts and a thong. i'd google it-you're bound to find something...

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 2:45AM
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The way i see it, is that SM is bonding with her SD. Plain and simple...
but for me, i would not do anything physical like that to my Skids without them asking BM first. Like haircuts, dying hair or even a nose piercing.
Sd asked for all of those and BM said no because she was doing it at our house...Bm is a real pain for me so i don't place myself in a position of target ...cant' bother with the headaches.
Stepping over the line...mmmm...lines have to be defined and even though SM have no legal rights with SK the Father does have the rights and when they kids are in his custody and during that time he sees it fit for his daughter to have a haircut or wax job then its not SM fault. You have a bone to pick with your husband not SM as far as i'm concerned. Legally, under his care during his time, its permitted unless you draw up a draft legal document clearly stating certain decisions as those are to be yours and only yours.
But be careful, presenting these things will show petty behaviour in front of the judge AND health wise your child was not harmed in any the end its up to you if you will let this aggravate you or not.
You have to make the decision to speak with your husband over matters such as these. Because its HIS responsibility in the end what happens under his household and time. Its not SM fault for wanting to bond with this child and make her happy. So draw the lines with your exhusband and then Sm can be held accountable with exhuband if they dont respect your wishes.
To me Sm are not playing a role. Its a bonding they do with the child. Some see it as oversteppign depending on the situation and other BM honestly are happy with SM taking their kids out and doing things.
IF haircuts, dying, waxing , nail jobs offends you , then speak to your husband about it that you'ld like the decision to be discussed between you both before SM has the go ahead to go out.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 9:09AM
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We had this same issue, only in reverse. Dad (my DH) thougth that 10 was too young for shaving/waxing/etc. But Mom thought it was fine. Granted, she is a brunette, but 10?! She was completely pre-pubertal, so no "stray" hairs in her bikini. And no underarm hair, either. She had scant hair on her legs, which was barely noticeable. So, what does one do? Me? I stayed out of it. She shaved her legs once at Mom's, and found out it wasn't much to be excited about. The excitement quickly wore off and she was able to "just be 10".

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 11:25AM
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My opinion on this kind of thing would be that there is a difference between "enhancements" that are relatively temporary/non-drastic and those that are more permanent and drastic (the pain and upkeep involved in waxing would make me file this under "drastic"). Something non-drastic would be an up-do, a manicure or a gift of a tube of lip gloss.

And even more importantly there should be a distinction between enhancements that are neutral-to-positive in terms of beauty/body image (again: up-do, manicure or lip gloss) and those that are more negative in origin, for example "removing" the "offending" body hair. It's a difference between doing/giving something to a young girl that enhances what she has and thus makes her feel better about who she already is vs. doing/giving something that says "you're not okay as-is" or "there's something about you that needs to be destroyed altogether".

Let's face it, in our society almost all of us women will eventually wind up doing things cosmetically that are more "negative" based--- because we specifically DON'T LIKE something about ourselves and want to change it and make it BETTER. But ideally this should be a totally independent decision and ideally teens should enjoy more of ther teen years without so much self-consciousness. I think there's a twofold danger in this situation here: the girl is still quite young to already be fixating on what's wrong with how she looks, and it is likely that this fixation is being encouraged (or even engendered) by SM, who is: a) not the girl herself (therefore not totally independent personal choice) and b) not the girl's mom (which adds another layer of self-consciousness and vulnerability to the equation). It's dangerous territory and stuff like that doesn't tend to go too well. Certainly not for the girl's long-term self-esteem.

I'm only 32 (soon to be 33) and look rather young for my age, but even I am already looking back on my teen years and thinking "if only I knew how attractive I was ---if for no other reason than for being so YOUNG--- I would have spent a lot less time worrying about stupid minor details and had even more fun!"

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 11:54AM
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The troublesome aspect of it to me is that these things are 'rite of passage' things -- kind of like wearing makeup and buying your first bra. As a woman, SM should know this. And likely, she does, but is doing these things to forge a closer bond with your daughter.

So yes, I'd be annoyed. In a sense, she's taking these 'firsts' away from you.

Is Dad clueless? Cooperative? Scare-able? In other words, if you were to lay out for him just what these 'rites of passage' activities are for a girl, and let him know that these are special activities to a girl and her mother, and that you will make a BIG UGLY SCENE if he allows SM to take these firsts away from you -- Would he cooperate then?

Is SM reasonable? It's natural and commendable for her to want to bond with your daughter, and you can compliment her sincerely on that. She should also realize that in order to have a good relationship with your DD, she needs to have a reasonably good relationship with you, and that overstepping these boundaries is NOT the way to maintain that relationship.

You might also talk to your DD. SHE knows these activities are special, and that they're mother/daughter times. Let her know that you want her to share these special 'firsts' with you.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 2:08PM
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I am blonde but have dark black eye brows, black eye lashes and yes black mustaches, and thick black hair everywhere. Yes I wax and shave nonstop, don't want to look like a man. lol My family are all very dark, i do not know why i am blonde.

saying all that it is completely inappropriate and overstepping for SM to make such decisions. Tell your DD that she is not allowed to do XYZ until mom gives a permission and tell her that SM is nto allowed to do any of that. This SM sounds like the one from h#@ll. And dad is no help. Sorry...

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 4:20PM
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Though I understand and appreciate your frustration, there is also another side to the coin . . . maybe not your coin, but mine.

DH has full custody of SD14 with mom having her EOW Thursday PM to Monday AM. She is usually with us after school until mom can come get her at least one of those days. I say this because you could call her an 'involved' mom for exercising her visitation reguarly, though anything past that is hit and miss - performances, sport, conferences, etc. (You know - the things I say constitute true involvement, but who's counting??) Anyway, SD views me as her mom most of the time and looks to me for things like hair cuts, waxing, etc. She was with me when she got her period. We've made it a point to involve her mom in things like this as we feel she should have some involvement, but after the last time we've pretty much stopped.

SD wanted to cut her hair, and more than a trim gets a call to mom is the rule. She was going to her mom's the Thursday she brought it up to me, so I told her to run it by mom. That night we get a nasty email that she pays child support and will not take care of things like haircuts - they are our responsibility. So, with that we feel she's given up her 'right' to be involved. I take SD to get her eyebrows waxed. I take her for hair cuts. I bought her first bra. I took her for her first professional make up job (invited mom, she never responded.) I'm the one SD comes to for boy issues and sex questions.

I know each coin is different and it sounds like this SM is certainly overstepping her bounds, but I wanted to get it out there that not all SM's are when they handle these 'important' things. Sometimes they are just picking up the slack of a mom who, for whatever reason, didn't see these milestones as something they should participate in.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 4:43PM
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If kids live with you full time, then of course it is a different story. I would not think of running every little thing by my X because DD lived wiht me full time. He couldn't possibly be involved in every little thing.

But it is not what OP described. This is your situation, not hers. Of course there are plenty of neglectful or uninvolved mothers but I doubt that uninvolved mom would posts sucha question here.

It is OK to share your own expreiences however it does get annoying at times when every topic gets switched onto "involved SM" and "uninvolved mother". We all know how wonderful are some SMs. But the issue at hand is what to do when SM is overstepping, not what to do when mom is slacking.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 8:05PM
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Lay the line down now. I am a step-mom to a 17yr. old. We like to do some things together, but never ever would I get a "tattoo" or "ear piercing" etc. etc. I always say "check with biomom!"

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 11:12PM
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My good friend has a saying that applies here:

"You gotta pee on your trees!"

Meaning you have to set your boundaries clearly and be willing to enforce them with more than a growl.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 10:10AM
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I thought I was the only one with a SM from hell! Like others have said talk to X and DD about these special moments between mom's and daughters. I explained to my X as an example. "X, let's say my current DH walks our DD down the isle at her wedding" I thought perfect example to give to a dad in terms he would understand. Not likely for my X though cuz he's an a@@. But perhaps your X would get it, the special meaning of these kinds of things. PLus if SM has kids of her own she certainly should understand. My SM is just a B*** and a control freak working on parent alienation with my kids, so we have no good communication points about this stuff. Last week X gave DD13 permission to wear tampons (with SM's proding) as I doubt X had any inkling about that stuff.

I think you have EVERY RIGHT as the BM to be pissed. Hopefully your parties are more reasonable than mine and you can get them to hear what you are saying and respect you as the BM.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2009 at 6:02PM
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