Query for Widowers

sterling01February 9, 2013

I am a 61 year old widower with two adult children, one is married and one is not. I have been engaged for a number of years(my wife passed away many years ago) but there are a few issues that have held me back from setting a date. I feel the need to be available for both of my children 24/7 and there have been times in the past putting them before my fianc�e has caused some difficulties in our relationship. I can't seem to be able to shake this need " to be there for them" even if it means possibly losing my fianc�e. I am reaching out to other widows or widowers who have had some similar issues who could possibly refer me to some reading materials that might help me. It is not my kids that are telling me they need me but me feeling that I have to be there for them no matter what.

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Your right it's not your kids, it's you. Your kids are old enough and have their own lives. Are you afraid you are betraying your former wife? Betraying her somehow or are you afraid of the true committment? It is you an putting your fiance behind your kids is extremely painful for her. Your spouse should be forever an you are showing her you don't value her or that she is not that important to you. It is important for evey woman to feel values, important and #1 with their partner. I am living the same thing with a man that has told me I need to wait for his to grow up to hava a marriage. As our counselor said when in your head will they ever grow up. Once they are teenagers they need some guidance, structure and rules but when they are adults they are on your own. Instead of reading material I would suggest some coumseling. But it doesn't work if you don't do the work and get honest with yourself. That can be the hardest part. Your kids are grown and have their lives, it's time to move on an live yours. You get a second chance, don't waste it

    Bookmark   February 10, 2013 at 7:35PM
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You are right to not marry her, she would just be hurt in a relationship where you did not put her first.

When our children are small they should always come first in our lives. As adults in a second marriage your wife should come first. I think it is you that can't break from your kids. I think you need them for some reason.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2013 at 6:53PM
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