Update and Bio Mom Drama....sigh

doodlebooFebruary 7, 2009

Well first of all we are doing great. The girls have been great helping out aorund the house. The baby is doing terrific. J has stopped smoking (hooray) and has been fantastic helping around the house. We are all doing terrific.

That being said....enter Bio mom.

She showed up for the first time in three and a half months to see the girls. We let her take them to the mall and to the park because she looked OK and she said she was alone. The boyfriend she lives with is the dude who has pretty severly beaten her a more than once and J has made it very clear he doesn't want the girls any where around this guy.

So she picks them up around 9 and at 8 that night we get a call and she wants to know if she can keep them over night at a friends house that we don't know. J has told her not to bring the girls around any "strangers" because all of her friends are users and the concern is once all the kids are in bed they'll start partying. It's happened before. So J tells her no and she needs to have them home around 10ish. J goes to work at 10 and they are still not home. 10:30 rolls around and still no girls. Finally at 11 I call J at work and tell him they arn't home yet.

At 11:20 they roll up WITH THE A-HOLE BOYFRIEND! This guy is a big dude. I've never met him before and didn't ever want to. He is a control freak abusive turd. He starts giving me hell the minute he walks in the door. He was hostile from the get go. He was holding one of the girls while all of this was going on. My baby was asleep in the living room.

J came through the door right when I told the guy to get out of the kids room. Apparently J had called Biomom and told her she had better get the girls home PRONTO. Not only did she lie and have this dangerous man around the girls but she was planning to keep them overnight anyway so J had told her get them home or he was calling the cops.

The boyfriend was very comfrontational and even acted like he wanted to fight IN THE SAME ROOM AS MY BABY! Everything got put out on the table. We told them in no uncertain terms that if he ever showed up at our home again we would call the cops. Period. I reamed her out for putting the kids and I (Including my month old child) in danger for bringing him here. God knows what would of happened if j wouldn't of shown up.

I wanted to strangle that woman for having the girls around him and bringing him to our house around my child. This may sound bad but the girls already have scares thanks to this woman and her poor judgment and I do NOT want Layla knowing what rehab and domestic violence is before she's five like the poor girls. She isn't Layla's mother and I don't want her or any of her drama around her.

We have decided after this incident that from know on when she DOES show up for her quarter anual visit we will do the custody switch off at the Police Department so Layla and I arn't anywhere near her or any of her jack@$$ botfriends. It's bad enough the girls have to be. Have I mentioned I hate this woman?

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Doodle you made me cry! Honey I am so sorry. What a scary night for you. I think you're smart to hand off at the police station. I can't imagine how that must have felt. I remember how "mama bear" I was after giving birth and to go through something like that must have been terrifying. I would freak if some man were holding my little girl and yelling. How could she put her little girls in that situation? How could she put your baby in that situation? I'm so sorry....

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 10:50PM
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So good to see you again. Man oh man! Now that you have little Layla you really do have to draw a deeper line in the sand. I am thinking that BM won't be around for a long, long time. Especially if she knows that you will deal with her at the police station. She really needs to give up all rights to the girls if you ask me. She is in no shape to be around them. She can't be trusted, at all. Thank God that J came home when he did. That BF sounds like he would have no trouble trying to put the fear of god into you. What a waste of space. I'll be praying for your situation.

Tell J great job for quiting the cigs. I am an ex-smoker and I know how hard it is to quit. Good for him!...my DS16 has started.....really upsets me.

Once again....so good to hear from you. I miss you on the boards! Blessings to you and your little June Bug.....to J and those cuties too. J has quite a little harem going on.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 10:59PM
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So glad to see you posting!

WOW is all I can say. What sort of legal rights does BM have? I would be so, so hesitant to let the girls go ANYWHERE with her at all. It sounds like her situation is so volatile and scary; she could literally take off with them and disappear.

Can J not push for supervised visitation for her? I see NO reason for her to be alone with those girls.

I am so sorry that happened! How awful for you. Big (((HUGS)))

I'm glad J got home when he did!

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 11:45PM
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I vote for supervised visits. If the custodial parent says 'keep the kids away from your abusive partner' and that is ignored (as well as the terms of the visit being ignored), then she should be watched. Her lack of concern or regard for the safety of her kids is concerning enough to get an order that she only have specific day visits and/or that they be supervised. I wouldn't let her have them after dark...

It's good to hear from you again.. sorry it's under such a stressful circumstance. Take care.

    Bookmark   February 8, 2009 at 12:37AM
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Hi Doodle, I so agree with the others; SUPERVISED visits only. I would not let BM see skids till that is made official, hopefully it shouldn't be too difficult to get that done.

And I'm also very shocked he came into your home. Extremely threatening, so sorry for you and Layla. Skids would be beside themselves as well, poor girls. Hope that you have some better news soon!


    Bookmark   February 8, 2009 at 2:55AM
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It's 4am and I'm up! Hooray for Mommy-dom:)

Anyway, to answer one question....legally she had custody but she gave them up willingly to us a year ago and pretty much split aside from the occasional(DRAMATIC)visit. She isn't so crazy that she actually thinks she could take care of them.

HOWEVER, and this is a big however, the boyfriend is a control freak. I'm pretty sure it was his idea to come over and "handle" the situation. That being said we are kindof worried he will talk her into trying to snatch the girls and run. He seems to have alot of pull over her like control freaks often do.

The good news is as soon as our income tax comes in it's all going to a lawyer to try to gain full legal custody on the grounds that she is at the present time unfit. He is going to push for supervised visits but who knows if he'll get it or not. I wish we could force her into rehab but they were both quick to point out the courts can't force it. They met in rehab by the way and ditched together before she had finished her stint.

While they were her J told her the custody battle is coming and her boyfriend screamed that he'd pay for a lawyer and take the kids from us. Of course niether one of them is working so I have to wonder where he gets his money....hmmmm, drug dealer anyone?

Any who we are very aware of how unstable she is and how dangerous this new guy is and after talking it over some more tonight he has decided she won't get them again untill the judge says so. Not that she'd show up for another four months anyway but on the odd chance she does the answer is no untill we have full legal custody.

    Bookmark   February 8, 2009 at 4:24AM
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Doodle! I've been wondering about you, J, and the 3 Doodlebops! I'm glad to hear you are all great, but not so happy to hear about BM. Unbelievable.
I have no doubt that you will get custody changed. Until them, you need to make sure the school is on high alert and those 2 girls are supervised at all times - the snatching idea sounds very plausible. Make sure all your doors are always locked - do you have a neighbor you trust you can tell about the situation so they can keep their eyes open and know if they hear something out of the ordinary to call the police?

All that said, I have to wonder if she'll even be back for a while, but it never hurts to be cautious. How were the girls through all this drama? How are they afterward?

    Bookmark   February 8, 2009 at 11:37AM
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Hey Doodle! Good to hear that you're doing well otherwise...

And so sorry about the BM drama!
But it sounds like you're doing all of the right things, going for full legal custody and asking for supervised visits only.

All I can suggest is that you get your paper trail in order. Dates, times, places, witnesses. The stronger and more well-documented your case is, the sooner you can get this behind you.

    Bookmark   February 8, 2009 at 12:03PM
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wow, sounds bad. sorry you have to deal with it. I am very shocked that she has legal custody, not dad. How could that be possible? she is obviously unfit. hope dad gets custody and she can only have supervised visits. good luck.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 12:12PM
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Your situation does sound bad! I can't believe her bf came to your house!!

I am not sure what the schools can do if bm showed up and tried to take the girls because on paper she has custody.

As things stand though it sounds like you have an excellent chance of getting custody since they have lived with you and gone to school by you for a year.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 11:35PM
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i agree with the posters above...supervised visitation ONLY!! it exists for a reason. also, pull out your calendar and start documenting everything-get copies of the phone bills, cell phone statements, any money that changed hands, when BM called, came over, took the kiddos, anything you can remember and start keeping a journal. also, if you guys are in the habit of texting, type them out and keep a file of them (some cell phone companies can print them off for you, but i think there's a time limit, like only the ones from the past 30 days or so.) keep audio recordings of any voicemails and print off your emails. i've discovered that attorneys and judges love paperwork-and any work you can save your attorney from doing is money saved. also, i would buy a little digital recorder that can be put in your pocket and keep it handy, in your purse or whatever, and record any exchanges of the kids, any more encounters with the ahole boyfriend, etc. if it were me i'd have the cops on the phone the minute he sets foot on your driveway-should he have the balls to show up again. the police are there for a reason. and fill in the school FOR SURE!! you can't be too careful. a judge may grant you emergency temporary custody...probably worth checking into.

the one nice thing about the parents that choose to show up three or four times a year (especially if they have a shady past or are participating in stuff that's not completely on the up and up, like drugs, etc.) is that they hate being in the courtroom. she may not even show up and they you'd get custody by default. also, go for the gusto when you petition for custody. physical and legal, all decision making privileges, demand random drug testing, the whole nine yards. that way if she does want to play ball you have some room for negotiation and still get everything you need to keep the kids safe.
hope that helps!! good luck!!

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 12:14AM
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also, go for the gusto when you petition for custody. physical and legal, all decision making privileges, demand random drug testing, the whole nine yards. that way if she does want to play ball you have some room for negotiation and still get everything you need to keep the kids safe.

Good one Annebel... first rule of negotiation, ask for more than you think you're gonna get. Then, hopefully, you walk away with what you really want.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 11:39AM
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When the divorce happened years ago they agreed on joint custody. She wasn't as bad off as she is now. She had a job, an apartment and was going to mental health meetings and seemed to be "getting better". J had major guilt about the divorce and didn't want to take the girls from thei mother either.

Over the past few years she has gone way way way down hill and he has gotten over the guilty parent syndrome. He realizes that he has to do whats in their best interest safety wise. It isn't easy for him but it's unfortunatly very necessary. The last thing he ever wanted to do was keep them from their mama:(

He does plan to request the works in hopes of a tleast getting supervised visits. I'll let you know when the court date gets set. It's going to be stressful and ugly.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 11:44PM
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