SD changes things without asking

watcher-2009February 20, 2009

I am frustrated with our 23 yr old who now has decided not to do any chores and she moved the babies big plastic kitchen into the living room right in front of the fire place. Also today she emptied my kitchen towel drawer to the counter and filled it with her and the babies towels.

I am so sick of this kid. My husband feels he owes her everything as mom passed in 2002 so he always avoids or sides with her.

Any pointers?

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mom2emall

You need to sit down with your dh and tell him that you care for your stepchild and her baby. Tell him that you understand she needs space for her and her babies things. Suggest alternatives for where she could put those things if you do not like the places she has put them.

Then let him know that the babies mess and his daughters mess should be his daughters responsibility. Also mention that you think she needs to help with the housework and suggest some things she could do. For instance say something like you would really like her to pick up after her child and self during the day. Then after the baby goes to bed you would like her to spend 20 minutes cleaning. Maybe do dishes and wipe down counters...or clean a bathroom...or dust...or sweep and mop a floor. Maybe do all those things...one per day.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2009 at 10:57PM
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believer

When I first read the title to this thread I thought..." I went through the exact same thing with my SD when she was 9.".....I was shocked to read that yours is 23!!!

I think I would tell her the same thing I told my SD when she was nine...."There is one queen bee in this house and it isn't you."......I am shocked that she would feel so entitled. It really does show how she feels about herself and you. She is what matters....DH needs to see that and the sooner the better. I would be ticked and ill at ease in my own home should she remain there for much longer.

Where she puts her things needs to be discussed with you and she needs your permission. Simple.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 2:31AM
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organic_maria

You have to sit your SD and have a one on one talk. Woman to woman. Tell her you understand that her baby and her need space for their things but that you do not appreciate the fact that she doesn't discuss things with you and goes ahead and does what she wants.
Tell her this is your home, and that doesn't mean that she can do whatever she wants under this household because she is daddy girl. She's an adult, 23 years old and she pays not bills right? ...therefore cleanign is a must... She is to take out her stuff out of the drawers she has put in. Remove the plastic away from the fire place. Its a fire hazard. And she will adjust herself to her babies needs but she has to conform with the house. And if your husband says nothign then take the bull by the horns and tell your adult woman that she needs to rearrange her things not to disturb your everyday life cycles in yoru home
If she doesn't like it, then find a job, a place and move out with your baby. Your dad will come to visit his grandchild.
Your there to help her out...but not be a rug to wipe her dirty and shoes and then spit at you.
You feel she has stepped over some boundaries. Dont be afraid to tell ehr. Never be afraid to tell her. Its your home.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 1:31PM
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kkny

OT -- saying this is really all about me me me

...."There is one queen bee in this house and it isn't you."......

Its one thing to say there are others in the house. This type of statement -- well it speaks for itself.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 1:40PM
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believer

When I had this happen with my young SD I took it as a passive aggressive action. She later told me that she wanted to be the only "woman" in her dad's life......the "queen bee" statement from me was to let her know that there is only one "woman of the house"...."alpha female" and so on.

kkny...I can't tell if you think that was a dumb thing to say or not....not that it matters.....I don't mean that in a rude way.

I would feel like the SD in this situation was trying to displace me as the woman of the house. I can not imagine even living in my own mother's home as an adult woman with a child and moving her things without her approval.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 4:22PM
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kkny

Your SD was 9 years old. I think the right approach is that everyone's feelings count. I can not imagine my saying to my D that there is only one queen bee.

I dont think it was a dumb think to say. I think it was a cruel thing for an adult to say and think.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 5:28PM
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believer

kkny

Well I guess you had to be there kkny. You may think it was cruel, it wasn't meant to be. She was quite the lying and manipulative child. Rearranged my kitchen cabinets and drawers. Stole my things, lied to her father about me, purposely dumped out clean and folded clothes that I had in baskets. Hid things from me. Told me to "F" off. Many, many things. She needed something to get her attention. Given her day to day behavior I don't think that was cruel.

When it comes to her room I think her feelings should have counted and they did. When it came to the other things that I mentioned...no, I do not think her feelings should have been taken into consideration. Step or bio doesn't matter. I don't consult the children of the house when I set up my kitchen. I do make things easy for them to reach in the kitchen and bathroom. Now that she has her own home she does what she wants. I doubt if she asks how her step son feels about too many things when it comes to organizing.

I know that if I mentioned the "queen bee" thing she would either not remember or laugh about it. I think that if you asked her who made her feel that she counted the most in her life she would say me.

Raising a stepchild full time is not always easy. Mistakes are made on both sides. I'm sure you have made mistakes in raising your step children.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 6:28PM
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pseudo_mom

"I'm sure you have made mistakes in raising your step children. "

....has to be one of the funniest lines I have read in a long time!!! :)

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 6:45PM
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kkny

There is a difference between communicating house rules calmly and saying I am the queen bee. As adults, we are the ones who are supposed to be mature. Saying I am the queen bee makes it sound like you are the mean girl in junior high. Its the type of thing that may get what you want short-term, out of fear.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 7:10PM
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bobaty

I have told my DD and SD that I am the biggest bi*ch in the house and when they thought they were bigger we could talk or they could move. I think "queen bee" is much nicer.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2009 at 2:08PM
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serenity_now_2007

I think a lot depends on the relationship. KK, I'm inclined to instinctively agree with your reaction to the comment if the relationship is bad or neutral or anything less than really great. But I can also see where if the step-parent otherwise shows consistent & genuine caring, good humor and love with the kid, then it would be a lot more possible for the kid to later look back on something like that and laugh. So much depends on the quality of the relationship...

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 3:47PM
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watcher-2009

I need pointers here cause I have now become depressed and leave my house to spend the day away, I am a home buddy and hate doing this. SD was gone for 5 days and it was amazing how free and easy it felt. when she came back, I imagined she would take to cleaning and communication, nada! I am having a pity party- I hate it when my H and I are alone in the FR and the baby runs in with arms full of toys, mom follows and now sh*t we are having a party, what was that movie we were watching?????what was my life???

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 6:39PM
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watcher-2009

I have given my all, to the point that I have lost 2 jobs and am now on an antidepressent. Actually SD does do a chore or two but has cut her job to 6hr per week. She bought a $170 IPOD then turned to ask me to buy milk for the baby.I Love dad to death. he sides with her and says nothing when something is needed. So I love April, I love the Spring. I feel like winter has been a hell hole for me and April a fresh piece of the me I lost. Do you think I am over reacting? SD boasts of the coming closure to this long stay as she now has a simple certificate from a CC. She claims jobs in this field are easy to find and she will be ready to go soon. I dont want it to hurt my hubby relationship but damm__ I dont want any one to take my spring from me. My birthday is in april. What to do???

    Bookmark   March 7, 2009 at 9:58PM
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organic_maria

Your birthday is in April?
DUMP THEM ALL. YOUR SD , YOUR HUSBAND AND THE HOUSE. GO ON VACATION YOU AND YOU ALONE . For at least a week , if not 2 weeks. Go to cuba, go away from the place and treat yourself !
She buys an ipod and has the audacity to ask for milk? why doesnt she ask her father to buy the milk?
I think she will eventually move out. I'm sure she also is 'embarassed' as a woman to be living with her parents at her age. Society doesn't hold that in high regards. In fact they look at it as a leech and an irresponsible adult. Others say its helping. Yes its helping but up to a certain point. I think whether its biokids or stepkids, the whole idea is for them to move out of the nest...not extend the nest. But to each their own. Some people embrace the idea of extended family......other do not.
I know its depressing and your life is on hold because of her but give it a little more time until she finds a job. But not too long...i think now that she has her certificate...a few months ,, lets say 6 months is more than enough time to find a job and place. And i think you should discuss that with your husband and tell him that you know he loves her but you need life back between you and him and the house is crowded. The minute she gets a job he must help her to find an apartment so both of you can have your time again. ITs not healthy to have a third wheel in the house with training wheels as well.
It doesn't have to be ugly. I think you have spent money, time and given a roof to help his daughter and her getting a job and moving out is not too much to ask for. Both of you can lend her a hand after with baby sitting etc...well..your husband can, if you do not wish to baby sit.
When my SD gets out of hand , her dad handles it.
Actually, the weekend that past got really ugly. I never saw him fight like this with her and the words exchanged shocked me. I did tell him to calm down actually and somewhat protected my SD from him....which made me stop and think...anywyas...i'm rambling.
I sorry watcher that you are depressed but you need to keep yourself active and put more responsibility on your husband. Let him handle his daughters needs. not you. If she asks for money or things for her baby...food clothes..tell her to go to her father. Not you. It puts less pressure and you will not feel used.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2009 at 8:44AM
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