Another dissatisfied SM with BM & child support

triximkyFebruary 17, 2009

I just get so frustrated about my fiance's ex wife. She complains all the time that she doesn't have money even though she gets child support and has a masters degree and earns $50,000 a year and then she has the nerve to ask me, the fiance of her ex (who is disabled) for money!!!

I guess when they were together they earned over $90,000 a year and she made him pay all the bills and she kept her money separate to do whatever she wanted with it. Now that I am with him she feels she can ask me to pay for things as well. She goes out to eat everyday (which I cannot afford to do) and sends her child over here with either no jacket or sneakers that are way too small!!

It makes me frustrated because she doesn't take care of her child and wants everyone to feel sorry for her. She loves to feel like a 'victim' and lives off of sympathy. I just can't get involved with all the stress anymore because it becomes ridiculous.

I guess I am just venting.....

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What is your fiance doing to protect you from all this cr*p? Just wondering how he feels and responds to all that is going on.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 9:22PM
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I posted before on one of your first threads that my SIL has Lupus. She and my brother have been married for over 20 years and although we are not close I have seen what complications can arise from this disease.

Liesbeth has a valid question. You are not yet married and it is my humble opinion that you are taking on issues that should be left to your FDH to handle. Given your health issues I would think that he would want to shield you from any unnecessary stress and the issues that you have described here should really be handled by him. I think that you should put your health first and not engage with the ex wife nor her problems. These should be things that your FDH handles.

Any SM is wise to pick her battles carefully when it comes to dealing with the ex wife and birth mom. You especially so.

If your future SD tires you out during her visits at this time in your life then your FDH needs to make some adjustments for you. It is my understanding that Lupus symptoms can come and go but fatigue is a major issue.

If the ex brings up something to you then you should just defer to your fiance. Start standing up for yourself....simply by saying...."That is something that you need to speak to FDH about."

Did you state in another thread that she feels you were the cause of the breakup of their marriage or do I have you confused with someone else? If you were involved with FDH before he was divorced or while they were married/living together then she has legitimate issues where you are concerned and I would not expect her to get over it soon. That, in itself, is a whole new ball of wax.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 10:07PM
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Posted by triximky (My Page) on
Tue, Feb 17, 09 at 20:24

I have a fiance with a child and a past...He has been sober for the past 2 years, attends AA, and his wife will not 'allow' him to drive his child.

There is nothing in the divorce papers saying he can't drive, but she insist that he doesn't drive and expects me to do all the driving.

They are going to court for this soon, but it has been a year since we have 'respected' her wishes. I wouldn't mind doing it all the time, if I was well....I have problems driving with my lupus.

We both don't know what to do except for him to start driving without her 'approval' and hope nothing bad happens. I am just too tired to do it anymore especially since I just got out of surgery yesterday and now my doctors have refused to look into why I am exhausted all the time until I recover from my surgery for at least a month.

I don't want to 'tell' his ex that my health is bad because she would either force my fiance to visit his daughter at her house like the 'happy little family' she wants back after I stole it away from her or will try to stop visitation at all. She is just very prejudice when it comes to her daughter and my disability thinking that I am diseased and her daughter shouldn't be exposed to me. It's frustrating!

I just don't know what to do???


I re-posted your other thread because as believer mentioned, there are relevant facts about you being the breakup of their 'happy little family' and that your BF has been sober for two years, which suggests other issues are going on... probably more than can be dealt with on a public forum.

But since you have brought it here, I'll toss out my honest opinion... for what it's worth. Take it or leave it, I don't care.

If you caused his marriage to break up or if you prevented a reconciliation before his break up was complete, then you will always be seen as the other woman. You don't sound as if you are very secure in the relationship itself as you don't want him to have visitation at her house, without you. Even if SHE wants him back, and she probably does if she feels you stole him away, that doesn't mean HE would go back, does it? Personally, I could not be with someone that I could not trust. Your insecurity over your BF is probably why you are becoming so invested in all the issues between him and his ex when you aren't even married to him. What is HE doing to help you feel secure? What is he doing that makes you feel insecure? I don't like my DH's ex but if the only way he could see his daughter was in her house every Saturday afternoon without me, I would not like it but I wouldn't think she has a snowballs chance in hell of 'winning' him back and he would go see his daughter. If he wants to drive to get his daughter and he has a license, then she does not control that. He can ask a court to give him permission to transport his daughter or he can make BM bring his daughter to him. YOU don't need to be involved at all. It does not matter how much money she makes, how much he makes or how much child support is paid, if she can't make ends meet and he can't give her any more, then it's NOT your problem. You don't have to respond to her requests for money. You don't have to answer your phone if you see it's her. You don't have to be involved at all. If you are involving yourself because you don't trust him to handle things and it stresses you out, who's fault is that?

I don't mean to sound harsh but as I read through your other posts, I can't help but wonder why you are jeopardizing your health, dealing with problems you don't have to deal with. I can understand you wanting to jump in and take care of things because that's what we do as women sometimes. I've done it. But, I also know that if it's affecting my health and causing me more stress than it's worth, I am not going to let her cause my health to suffer.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 11:13PM
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One thing that I also want to say to you, Trixmiky, is something that my ex MIL (may she rest in peace) told her son and I when we were married. It went something like this......When ever you allow the ex wife to become such a presence in your day to day life it is like inviting her to sit down to your dinner table, join you to watch TV, invite her into your bedroom and so on. You have to draw the line short of inviting everything she says and does into your home.

A girl friend of mine has also pointed out something that I think is so true in many situations. She said this after her best girlfriend hooked up with her husband. She realized that the biggest thing keeping them together was their desire to hurt her and cause her trouble. When she quit playing into their drama the relationship between the ex husband and my friend's ex girlfriend quickly went south. I think you need to take the ex out of picture as much as possible so that she does not become what holds your fiance and you together. A common enemy, a common know what I mean.

Again I will mention your statement about your taking her happy family away from her. Only you know what role you played in the demise of their relationship. If you had a part in it by being involved with FDH before he was actually available for a relationship then I would suggest that you consider apologizing to her and apologizing for any hurt that you have caused. When we are in the wrong we need to admit it and take responsibility for it. You may be able to sooth some of her bitterness and anger towards you.

My friend ended up having a sexual relationship with her ex husband while he was involved with her ex girl friend just to pay her back. She now has a DD17 to show for that. Your FDH's ex may be trying to pay you back.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 9:45AM
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Oh, I am sorry...the only reason I said "happy little family" is that she is still in love with him, but they divorced officially in 2005. They split up when the adopted daughter was 1 yr. old (2004) and then he had moved out of state for two years with a different relationship that also began after they were apart.

She has had two other serious boyfriends since the end of the marriage, but for some odd delusional reason she doesn't want her ex to ever move on. She even had the nerve to call his other daughter from a prior relationship (17 yr. old) on Christmas and said to her about "Missing the family", "I wish we had that happy family again", etc. After the phone call, the 17 yr. old brought me upstairs and cried on my shoulder on Christmas Day!!! She said that she was sick and tired of her blaming her father for everything that happened in the past. It's just horrible....

This women was very emotionally abusive during the relationship and is continuing that pattern in anyway that she can. She thought that forcing him to adopt a child would 'fix' the marriage and it did not. Now this is the situation he has to deal with....

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 5:01PM
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I am going to mention here that I am going through some 'womanly' insecurities due to a surgery I just had two days ago. I had some vaginal cancer (rare) removed and if it doesn't stay 'gone' this time, I will have to have the whole top part of my vagina removed and then have plastic surgery to reconstruct it. I hate to be so blunt, but....

I had a hysterectomy at 26 yrs. old for other reasons and at 36 yrs. old, (last year), I found out about this problem. As I said above, I just had surgery and I have to wait another 3 months to see if this surgery has worked.

I try to explain all the details, but I guess that my life is a bit complicated and I am going through alot of change at once.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 5:15PM
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I am very sorry for your health concerns. You must be very worried.....all the more reason not to engage with ex. It is so very important for you to put yourself first here and take the best possible care of YOU. Let FDH handle things with ex. You just need to heal and rest. I will pray for you.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 5:24PM
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Trixy, I read through all your threads and I really don't want to offend you, but my perspective might help.

Your making a lot of excuses for your fiance and directing a lot of blame on BM. Having a drinking past can affect a lot of things and probably affected his marriage. Of course you're only getting one side. But I have a hard time believing that the sober spouse in the relationship was emotionally abusive. Alcoholicism and emotional abuse go hand in hand, for the alcholic and affects everyone around them.

There may be genuine reasons why your fiance cannot drive his children. And if his ex has them documented, he may go to court and still lose that one.

Yes, it was very rude how she handled asking about your health. But can you maybe see where she is coming from? Leaving your children with someone who has a known drinking past and someone who is also not feeling well will probably worry any parent. Maybe out of the two of you, she expects you to be the one she can trust and rely on to keep her kids safe.

And many of the ex's of alcoholics mourn their marriage much more deeply than regular divorces. Maybe if you have time you can google it, but drinking has many far reaching effects on everyone around them.

And honestly, reading through this I worry about YOU. You should not be dealing with all of this. Your fiance should be protecting you and handling it all. And it doesn't sound like he is doing a good job of it or trying very hard.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 5:26PM
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