Ex doesn't want disabled fiance around child

triximkyFebruary 16, 2009

Here's the problem....

I am engaged to a man with a 6 3/4 yr. old child and every time the child sees me, she develops a stronger bond with me.

I am a disabled women with minor limitations due to lupus and my fiance ex feels very uncomfortable with this. She strongly feels that my disability should not be out in the open and that it would hurt 'her child'. Anytime she (daughter) asks any questions, I answer them carefully and tell the dad (just in case) what happened.

I had some minor surgery today (and 'today' is "dad's custody day") and she was very annoyed that the daughter would have to be 'exposed' to this situation. Mind you, the surgery was nothing more than lasering skin in a hospital under local anethsia.

She (mother) drilled me about the 'extent' of the surgery. She asked questions such as: "Will I be taking pain pills while she is there?", "What time is it being done?", and "Why is this procedure done and what happens after this?".

She also written in emails to my fiance about: "How she is worried the long term ill-effects my health will have on her daughter - even though she doesn't mind me driving.", "That I 'might not be in her life long." - funny thing is, I am only 36 yrs. old and she is 48 yrs....hmmmm...

I guess what I am asking is....how should I handle this??? My fiance is still battling with a change in visitation and doesn't want to 'rock the boat', but today I wanted to just b*tch slap her tonight because she was so very inappropriate....asking about 'pain pills' was too much! I am trying to not get too worked up and wait to respond until the visitation is changed, but feel bad because I had been seriously discriminated against in the past.

I guess I am posting this out there to feel a bit better and get other people's thoughts. Thanks.

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Lupus is not that uncommon of a disease. I am really not sure why she is so bothered by it.

Is it possible that she would just try to destroy any relationship your fiance had and your lupus is just an excuse?

Or is it possible she is trying to create a problem (when there is not one) because she hopes it will help her in her visitation issues?

Either way I think this is something you should discuss with your fiancee and you probably should not directly say anything to bm about it.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2009 at 8:41PM
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I guess (due to personality), I sometimes feel cornered even when I shouldn't. She feels she is a 'victim' and that everyone is out to hurt her in some way.

Also, the child is adopted and the child has really taken to me (sometimes more than her). The school she attends doesn't feel the adopted mom is taking the 'daughter's needs' seriously and has talked to my fiance about taking on those responsibilities for her. So, as you can imagine, she's also feeling her parenting is under attack from all directions.

Anyways, I guess this is a sensitive subject for me (disability) and she also knows how to affect her ex a bit, so this gets me too...Thanks for the thoughts, I never thought of things that way.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2009 at 8:53PM
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This woman obviously doesn't understand that her health could change at any moment. If she is really concerned and not just being a b99tch then she should do everything possible to not cause you any unnecessary stress. Since she is so concerned about her daughter's well being then I am sure that she will always be as accommodating as she can be when you need it.....right?

I am a disabled mom/stepmom. My chronic sciatica is not in the same league as Lupus, but my pain meds can kick my butt when I take them. When those times happen then I do not drive and DH has to do more. There is no BM in our case.

My sister-in-law has Lupus. There have been times when it has strongly affected her life and times when it has not. She is the mother of a 19 year old daughter. You just work around it.

I think she is being mean. She may have a health issue someday and would hate to be treated the way she is treating you......Maybe she doesn't want her ex moving on? I hope she can calm down and show you some compassion.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2009 at 8:59PM
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I don't think it's anything more than the desire this woman has to continue "controlling" her X.

Your medical condition is none of her FREAKING business!

I'd tell her to p*ss off!

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 2:26AM
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I agree with the others and disengaging is very to the point. It's none of BM's business, AT ALL!
You have every right to feel p8ssed off about it.

As for your fiancee not wanting to rock the boat; it's sooo common and it only means that BM gets more power to control.

Tell your fiancee that since BM doesn't sound like the reasonable type it doesn't matter whether he rocks the boat or not! She WILL be difficult, rocking or no rocking.
My FDH had that attitude too, and it got him nowhere. Always caving in to keep the peace and always sucking it up, it was disruptive and hurtful and plain annoying. Now he's learning to create HIS OWN boundaries and to stick to them. BM will try and shoot a few holes in the new wall but we're no worse off, we're really better off than before.

Oh and our 'newfound' boundaries are really only what it states in the court order about visitation. We used to allow BM to disrupt the schedule and all we are doing now is sticking to it; to the letter. As I said BM will still pull a few stunts but she is on dangerous ground there.

So get a court order in place if you don't have one yet. That way you don't have to work visitation out with her and so you can go low contact as much as possible. And don't provide her with any more unnecessary info about you or your home situation, none of her business. Imagine you would reverse the situation and your fiancee would ask those very same questions to her; how would that go down? Hmmm...

She's not entitled to it so keep it to yourself. Best of luck and go see a sollicitor or lawyer pronto,


    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 2:55AM
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I agree that the possibility is high that BM is being mean about it for some other purpose, and it certainly is very insensitive the way she is going about airing her concerns.

On the other hand, though, I can understand where a parent would have at least some *questions* about the functioning capabilities of whoever --ANYONE-- under whose care her kid might be entrusted. The driving ability thing, for instance, is a valid question. Not the presumption that you CAN'T but the initial question and wanting to verify that you can. Anything, really, that has a bona fide observable, physical risk is an understandable thing for a parent to ask about. But her little asides about the 'emotional' aspects of her kid being (gasp!) exposed to a person with human health issues is not legitimate, unless these health issues had at anytime required intervention on the part of police or mental health professionals. Simply 'being exposed' to a human being who has to cope with some ailments would by no means be seen by anyone as any real threat. In fact, I'd think it would be a very good thing for the kid, to see someone coping positively and learning a bit more what other people have to learn to live with.

Strategically speaking, even though BM was inappropriate to phrase what she said like you're some kind of repulsive leper, for now I'd forget about her unfortunate tone. (FOR NOW... that is, unless/until she repeats it after your reasonable efforts to allay her concerns.) Initially I would just talk to her about the concerns that are legitimate and maybe ignore the ones that aren't legitimate. For the legitimate concerns, I'd make an effort to reassure her that you understand some of her concerns as a mother and you can assure her that you are in no way a danger to her child... and you will be happy to point her in the direction of literature on your condition(s) so that she may be better educated on what it does/doesn't impair in your functioning. Also, she's welcome to look at your driver's license the next time she comes over. In other words, put it on HER to find one thing questionable about your situation, make it a polite and subtle dare. If she's the one with so many questions and concerns, I'd think she'd want to be proactive about making the effort herself to find out the answers... instead of expecting you to perpetually "prove" to her that you are a capable functioning person by some vague and arbitrary standard.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 11:31AM
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Some people just seem to have a "cooties" thing about people with disabilities. An unnatural degree of fear that somehow people with disabilities are somehow at some deep 'core' level different from people without disabilities, and that different standards and codes of conduct apply. Sad, but true. So in addition to the 'controlling' bit, she may actually feel this way, and fear that somehow her tender little daughter may be hurt by being exposed to the 'heartache' of caring for a disabled person. (What rubbish!)

The good news of course, is that her daughter will realize that you are a completely normal and ordinary person - a fun one who she likes a great deal - who happens to have a medical issue that impacts your life to the extent it can be called disabling. With luck, her daughter will realize that people with disabilities are NORMAL PEOPLE. Not to be feared. Not to be pitied. Not scary. Not heroic. And that's a valuable insight that will make her a better and more compassionate person. With luck, it may even spread to her mother...

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 11:55AM
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Hi, back again, what I was trying to say about the driving is.....she seems to have absolutely no problem with me driving her child here and there (when she needs it and even when I am not well and I tell her that), but she does have trouble with my disability in general.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 1:23PM
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I would tell her that if her mental condition doesn't effect her ability to parent then your physical condition should be a piece of cake.

I got the driving thing on your OP. As long as you can help her out with the kid your physical condition is okay by her.

Like I said....if she is genuinely concerned for your health then she should not be putting unnecessary stress on you.

If she wants to know about the disease she can pick up a medical dictionary.

As far as not rocking the boat....it's been rocked...by her.

I would not entertain her questions any longer. Politely tell her that you appreciate her concern and if she feels the need to help out you could your house cleaned or laundry done.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 5:34PM
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some people think that everything is contagious. maybe she thinks you can pass your health issue on her kid. I have met people who thought that cancer is contagious, AIDS can be passed by a hug etc Ignorance...

I agree wiht believer you should tell her next time that you do feel a little unwell and would need her help wiht XYZ. She'll stop asking...lol

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 8:43PM
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"I would tell her that if her mental condition doesn't effect her ability to parent then your physical condition should be a piece of cake."


You cannot share information with this woman;
she turns it into a weapon.

Don't answer any more questions (Miss Manners recommends an icy stare & the words "that's personal"), & don't volunteer any info-
there's no reason for this hostile woman to know when you're going to the doctor...or to the accountant, or to the judge, or to the bathroom!

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 4:46PM
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