What to do about driving?

triximkyFebruary 17, 2009

I have a fiance with a child and a past...He has been sober for the past 2 years, attends AA, and his wife will not 'allow' him to drive his child.

There is nothing in the divorce papers saying he can't drive, but she insist that he doesn't drive and expects me to do all the driving.

They are going to court for this soon, but it has been a year since we have 'respected' her wishes. I wouldn't mind doing it all the time, if I was well....I have problems driving with my lupus.

We both don't know what to do except for him to start driving without her 'approval' and hope nothing bad happens. I am just too tired to do it anymore especially since I just got out of surgery yesterday and now my doctors have refused to look into why I am exhausted all the time until I recover from my surgery for at least a month.

I don't want to 'tell' his ex that my health is bad because she would either force my fiance to visit his daughter at her house like the 'happy little family' she wants back after I stole it away from her or will try to stop visitation at all. She is just very prejudice when it comes to her daughter and my disability thinking that I am diseased and her daughter shouldn't be exposed to me. It's frustrating!

I just don't know what to do???

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finedreams

ridicilous....if he had substance abuse problem in the past, it does not mean he shouldn't drive now. unless he was arrested for DUI and lost his lisence or she knows of him driving under the influence, he does not need her approval. hope he can get that straighten out in court very soon.

as about your own situation. you aren't obligated to tell her about health issues, you are not obligated to drive anyone. Tell her you are busy wiht some projects. Not her business.

make sure your fiancee gets court papers done properly. her made up rule about him not driving has no foundation.

hope you feel better very soon. stay positive, you don't need all this stress.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 8:55PM
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triximky

Thanks for the ideas...I am so sick and tired of her and need to find a way to get out of her control. I feel like I am a 'enabler' in this situation and that I can't keep making myself sick over this.

No one, including my fiance, cannot expect me to keep up this charade that I can continue to do this and feel good about myself. Truthfully, how my week usually goes is: we have her on both Sunday and Monday (me driving), and then I 'recover' from my fatigue both Tuesday and Wednesday. I split up my chores on Thursday and Friday. Saturday is the day that my fiance and I enjoy together...and then it starts all over again.

My week is shot!!!!

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 9:06PM
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finedreams

I am not sure I understand you. kid needs to be with his father, even if it is tiring for you to have a kid at home, that's what you signed up for when you decided to marry a man with a child. and this girl is wiht her dad only two times a week. but I agree that you shouldn't be driving, he should. and you shouldn't be primary care giver, he should be.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 9:32PM
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lovehadley

I think it is not your responsibility to be doing the driving. If BM has an issue with her ex driving, then SHE should do the transportation herself. It's not okay for her to ask you to do it.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 11:20PM
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justnotmartha

Unless it's in writing she has no grounds to stand on. If she attempts to withhold court appointed visitation she is in contempt and the police could be involved. Really, it's that cut and dry.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 1:42AM
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colleenoz

Finedreams, I don't understand you, trix doesn't say it's too tiring to have the child visit or that she doesn't want the visits not to happen, merely that she finds the driving too tiring and wants her BF be able to do the driving.
It may be that it's a long drive. In any case, if BM has issues with BF driving she needs to do the driving herself. If trix wasn't in the picture, who would be doing the driving then to enable visits with the father? Unless the court order says so, he shouldn't have to visit in BM's home.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 7:01AM
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organic_maria

FD she is tired of driving. And you dont sign up for anything. She accepts he has a child , its BM she is tired of and driving.
Get the papers done, you have no responsibility in driving. I understand BM concern but he is sober for 2 years, no dui and there is nothing that says he can't drive.
oh a brilliant idea has hit. WHY DOESN'T SHE DRIVE THE CHILD OVER????? She is so concerned about her ex driving? get her to drive!
Its not her business to know about your health, and its not yoru responsibility.
Tell bm, Dh is driving now period and if she doesn't like it then she drives her. Your not her maid or her chauffeur.
mmm....maybe you should ask for a service fee??:) lol...
i know you are stressed and tired. Speak with DH and cut off time with bm to breath better. Having lupus enough, you dont need a controling bm on top of it.
And your dh doesn' have to visit at bm home. If the court papers do not say it then its visitation out of her home. And she can drive then...

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 9:02AM
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bnicebkind

You stole her husband and ruined her family??? And you wonder why she is making your life difficult? Are you kidding me???

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 9:14AM
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triximky

No, they have been divorced since 2005...separated since 2001...she's just crazy.

I just looked at the 'court papers' (my fiance had them out) and it states: "Father is responsible for 'transportation' to and from visitation"... He is planning to email her the original visitation agreement tonight (yeah!!!!) and tell her what's up.

His only worry now is that she will take this out on the child which she has done in the past. One time I was in the car alone with the daughter and the daughter told me: "Don't tell daddy, but we need to watch him to make sure he doesn't drink." I told her that he hasn't drank for a very long time and that is not something that she should worry about. When my fiance got back in the car, I told him about it in front of her and we discussed it right then and there.

Just awhile ago, we had a celebration of his sobriety with both his daughters present. The 6 yr. old came up to me and said: "I understand that daddy is better now and that he loves me very much. I am very proud that he is sober and is staying sober for me." I told her that if she felt that way that she needs to tell just what she told me to daddy.

So, she sat dad down and told him, which almost put him into tears and he had said some things and we continued with dinner, etc. She then went home and told her mom what she told daddy....and oh my god!!!....it was a mess. The mother went on and on about all the bad things daddy did and that we still need to be careful and not trust him fully yet, etc. The daughter then started crying and throwing a very bad tantrum. The mom thought that the best thing to do is hold her down to keep her from moving and being upset about her mother's reaction. WE then got a email telling both of us how we shouldn't have been so positive about his sobriety, etc. and that we need to remind her of all the bad times that happened. This women is crazy....

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 5:44PM
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justnotmartha

Yeah. That is crazy. It's also the sign of a insecure woman who wants a reason for the kids to love daddy less than her. Sick.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 5:52PM
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imamommy

If the order says he is responsible for transportation to and from visitation, then HE is responsible. My DH has a hearing tomorrow because his order says BM will transport their daughter to the visits but BM wants to send her mom as her agent to get her daughter for her. After they lied to him, he no longer allowed it and has been making BM come get her own daughter. So, they are leaving it up to the court to decide.

I guess one of my pet peeves is parents that burden the kids with their feelings about the other parent. My mom did it to me and as I got older, I have less and less to do with her. She doesn't (and probably never will) get it, that I love my dad and I don't want to hear her criticize him all the time, especially when I am old enough to know it's not true. My kids grew up with no dad in their life and even though I could have found lots of nasty things to say about their father's that was true.. didn't visit, didn't support, had other kids they DID raise, etc. etc., I never said an unkind word about their father's. I did make the mistake of making vague excuses for them when they were young because I never knew if they would surface & start visiting.. so I said "he's probably got problems in his life that prevent him from seeing you." and eventually, the kids got old enough to figure out that he had a new family and didn't have 'problems' raising them.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2009 at 6:08PM
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