Should I try to help or forget about it?

mom2emallFebruary 12, 2010

Well BM was making contact with the kids every few days to a week from December through the first half of January. Now it has been almost a month since she has made contact. The kids talk to their grandparents on bm's side and they told the oldest that bm is not working again.

So it got me thinking. If she is not working she is probably losing the ability to phone the kids again. When I was a single mom I went to school full-time on scholarships and grants (many for being low-income and having a child) and I also got state help with daycare expenses while I worked and went to school. I was also able to get healthcare for my son for free. I may have been able to get housing allowances and food stamps and cash assistance, but at the time I had family to help me so I did not even attempt those.

Anyways I wonder if I should point out these possibilities to bm or her mom in an e-mail. The grandma e-mailed me a few times in the last few months about bm's situation and her disgust with bm. I was thinking what if I sent grandma an e-mail saying the kids mentioned bm was not working again and I know what it was like to have kids and no money and there are lots of assistance opportunities out there to help people start new lives. And then mention how I was able to get assistance with school and childcare, and this may be something bm could do. (I know bm is pretty into the welfare programs so I am sure she is getting cash and food assistance and healthcare still.)

But maybe if bm knew there were programs out there to help get her on her feet she would take advantage of them and get her life together. Maybe even ditch her loser boyfriend!

Am I sticking my nose where it does not belong or would it be beneficial for me to send bm's mom an e-mail pointing out types of assistance that may help bm get on her feet and be a bigger part of my skids lives?

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I'm the type to send the information on to BM especially since it's well intended. However, she may or may not be offended and think you are sticking your nose in her business. I've been burned trying to be helpful in this way.
How friendly are you with her? Some appreciate that kind of information, others may take it as you passing judgment on her. Not what I think at all, just to be clear. The grandma is probably the best conduit, she won't care as much about offending her daughter as she cares about getting her on her feet.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 8:53PM
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I'd stay out of it, your advice will fall on deaf ears & won't be seen as helpful, it will be seen as intrusive. From all you've posted about her over the years, you will be beating a dead horse... and get frustrated for wasting your time.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2010 at 11:20PM
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"No good deed goes unpunished". I've learned that the hard way several times over the years.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 7:20AM
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If BM is getting cash assistance odds are she is well aware of what programs are offered and are usually required. While my state will give food aid and medical to those fitting the income guideline without much push and shove, when it comes to actual cash assistance there is an endless stream of requirements and programs and timelines that comes with it. The goal is to educate, train and help with barriers (like child care)with a hand up and then out you go.

Though I understand you are really trying to be helpful, I doubt it will be received as intended. If BM still has her computer and could email her kids, I think the most you might do is let the kids know it's okay to tell Grandma that they'd enjoy getting emails from mom. Kids should not push it though (for one you don't know why BM has stopped communicating)

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 9:32AM
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"But maybe if bm knew there were programs out there to help get her on her feet she would take advantage of them and get her life together. Maybe even ditch her loser boyfriend! "

Highly unlikely. Don't do it, I think it would just be taken as an insult. I have a sister and a sister in law like this and both of them know exactly what they are entitled to via welfare and special programs and both choose to do the least necessary to maintain their incomes courtesy of you & I. Don't bother.


    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 10:26AM
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'While my state will give food aid and medical to those fitting the income guideline without much push and shove, when it comes to actual cash assistance there is an endless stream of requirements and programs and timelines that comes with it."

You would think but I can tell you that BM has been collecting CASH BENEFITS (in our state it is called TANF, temporary assitance to needy families) for probably 4 years, if not longer.

Honestly--I have NO idea how she gets away with it! I know she lies and uses her parents' address and says she lives at home and she is supporting her DD2 on her own. She used to get beneifts for SS, and said the same thing about him, that she had full custody and didn't know where dad (my DH)was! Which is a bunch of hooey b/c they had an unofficial 50-50 custody arrangement from the start!

The benefits on SS came to a screeching halt when DH took her to court and everything came out in the open....what sucks is that my DH now has to pay a portion of her benefits back...BUT it comes out of her child support money. So in reality, she is paying it back....if that makes sense?

I don't know how she's gotten around the rules for so long; all I can think is she must have one stupid caseworker or one VERY overloaded caseworker. Plus, it helps that she has been pregnant or had an infant for the last 3 years straight. That opens up the doors to WIC and a whole bunch of other programs.

OP--I wouldn't bother, but that's JMO. Someone who is on state assistance like your SK's mom is KNOWS the programs and resources avaialble to her. Don't bother.

That dreaded night when BM was drunk at our house, I let her sit in my kitchen and cry about how awful her life was. I encouraged her to go back to school, and she said there was an LPN program she was interested in, and that her caseworker had said she could qualify for daycare for her daughter, and that the state would even pay for her to do the nursing program. I said that sounded GREAT and that DH & I would be so willing to take extra nights with SS, pick him up from school if need be, whatever she needed help with to complete the program...

Well, we all know how that night turned out....and here she is, 10 months later, preggo w/her 3rd kid, and she's still doing the same old, same old. Again---people don't change!!!

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 6:35PM
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If you want to help her, get hubs to email the info to her or use hubs's email to send her the info (be sure to let him know you're doing it), & *don't tell her mother*.

& bless you for having a kind heart & a helpful nature.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 7:04PM
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Maybe she does know about the programs out there. I guess the nice part of me wanted to believe that maybe she does not know and she feels stuck with this loser because she kept having babies with him. And she probably kicks herself because she has already been there....unhappy in a relationship and thinking the grass looked greener somewhere else only to go there and find herself sitting in crap! (when she got bored of dh and decided to run off with bf) I wanted to think that maybe if she knew she had options that she may be at the point to take them. But you are all probably right, she probably knows and won't do anything. Much easier to sit in crap and complain about the smell then clean it all up and start over. I just feel awful for my skids. And I feel worse for the kids that are stuck with her and her bf because I know that relationship is not healthy and those kids are going to suffer for it.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 7:14PM
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Go with your kinder impulse.

Just keep your own identity & your own ego out of it.

Just pass along the informationl.

She may not know about the help that is available, & she may be so beaten down that she doesn't think there's any help out there for her.

As long as you don't complicate things by letting her know that the info came from you & maybe making her self-conscious or embarrassed, it won't cost anything to try.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 7:33PM
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After reading the other posts, I agree that no good deed goes unpunished. Best to stay out of it or as Sylvia suggests, send the info through someone else and not let her know that it's from you.

Good for you though for wanting to be helpful.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 9:41PM
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Sylvia and Lamom you are right, I should get the info to her without her knowing it came from me. I went ahead and passed the info on through the grandparents. They have been very kind to me and have even complained about their daughter to me.

So I just passed the info onto them in an e-mail by saying that sd told me your dd was in a bad financial situation and out of work. It made me think of some programs I know of that could help her get back on her feet....they are _______, ________ and _________. Not sure if it is something she would be interested in, but it may help her in the long run. So I figured I would pass along the info.

We will see if anything comes of it. Hopefully that no good deed goes unpunished does not apply here!

    Bookmark   February 13, 2010 at 10:57PM
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she knows about assistance and is already getting it, it won't be anything new. i am amazed how people get assistance. i was in a big financial hole once, my ex lost his job due to company bankruptcy, i was barely making ends meet so i asked for at least state insurance for DD, i was denied it because I was apparently making too much (haha, it was like nothing), i got absolutely nothing. yet i knew a lady at work who was making more than me and both she and her daughter were on every possible state assistance including medical benefits.

sometimes it makes me angry that everyone is rushing to help those who already suck everything out of welfare.

is she on drugs? that what I would certainly suggest like rehab programs or other treatments but welfare she already knows about and knows that we play for it with our taxes.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 10:26PM
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